does anyone hate themself?

I hate myself too. I fucked up a very special friendship and I feel like its all my fault (even though it very possibly wasn't). Feeling bleh and annoyed lately.

Trayce you should know it wasn't all your fault at all!!

I don't quite know if that makes sense on your computer screen the way it did in my head...

*smiles*

: ((((((((((((

so, geez... a person can't even be distinctive or familiar in THAT department?!?!?!

Pretty much my answer, though at my worst moments thinking of those faults and flaws is extremely self-eviscerating. I am learning to approach dealing with them (and improving them as I can) with more control, I hope. *MANY good thoughts* for everyone on this thread.

Andrew and Rainy you are the variety hour-era Sonny and Cher of ILE. xo.

it's very 'wrong', though. (but labeling it 'wrong' just reinforces/piles on the self-hate i guess) it's the same as hating others, except that ultimately, you can almost always do more damage to yourself, being that you're such a convenient target and all.

thinking that you are the 'worst' person in the world is as misguided and grandiose as thinking that you are the greatest.

i struggle all the time with figuring out how to properly appreciate myself, yea, even love myself. i suspect that Dr. Stuipd is on the right track & that the solution lies in what some might describe as learning to reprogram your mind with more positive thoughts...if you have a spiritual bent, then it's possible to utilize that to give you extra momentum in your efforts...for instance, if you make a habit of conceiving of/imagining/visualizing an unconditionally-loving, perfectly compassionate higher power of some sort, then you can use the resulting emotional energy that evokes to help boost your efforts. even if you think the 'higher power' is ultimately non-existent, it doesn't really matter, because the patterns ingrained in your mind which cause you to beat up on yourself are based on bullshit as well, if you take the time to analyze them. so why not use imaginary angels to defeat your imaginary demons? the magic lies in the fact that your mind can create any sort of bullshit it chooses to, and then will treat that bullshit as though it were solid truth. best to create 'good' bullshit. 'divine' bullshit, even.

yeah, & and accepting yourself as you are and accepting others as they are, probably go hand in hand, right?

"I hate myself, with good reason. I'm an alcoholic, unemployable, friendless, lazy piece of shit. But I think if I tried harder I could be excellent. I feel like an underachieving saint."

i think that is a beautiful post, for many reasons.

Oh, I thought you were coming on to me. Damn! Why does no one flirt with me around here?

but seriously folks...

I wouldn't say I hate myself so much... but, rather, I hate things I've said or done to people in moments of hot-headed indiscretion... the things that can't be forgotten or erased... THOSE are the things that get me everytime...
-- Scott Kos

That's the nail on my head, Scott. Maybe you could just leave out the "hot-headed" and just file it under indiscretion of any and all kind for me.

The other person is being a dick. Remind yourself that, for this one loser just here on ILX there are dozens of people who think you're swell. Don't let this person get to you.

Ah, that sounds almost like grudging thanks. It isn't: knowing people think I'm okay and give a damn about how I feel really does help.

Its funny, innit - logically I know this friend of mine is the one doing all the shitty stuff, and chosing to mess with my emotions, and yet even though I'm pissed at him, I cant help feeling inadequate also.

Still, now it is a new day, and I feel like much less of a self-hatah today. It is morning, gloomy and pattering with rain, and I am in bed with my new laptop pc and ILX. Life can be good!

And where's my email, Mr D? ;P

aawww, that's seriously one of the sweetest things I've ever read on here! I blame hstencil.

''but i think i have lowered my expectations of life so much, and have narrowed myself so much, there is little to feel.''

that's kind of applies for me as well.

I've always been known for putting my foot in my mouth so don't I'll ever be able to completely change. But I have vowed to be more consicous of it so I can avoid feeling stupid.

In the meantime, I'm my own worse enemy and am wrecking my self-esteem from the inside out.

:(

(I want to emphasise that I don't think this ALL the time, it seems to come and go and random. At the moment I think I'm brill and so is everyone else, probably partly cos of my new hair, but a fortnight ago I was feeling terrible. I reckon it's got something to do with cake.)

But, y'know what? I have so many things that I can be happy about. Witty repartee on ILX being one of them!

I can be thankful for running water and electricity if I choose to compare myself to Darfur. I have learned that my despair doesn't solve anything.

I have really amazing cousins, who have been excellent with communicating about deaths/funerals/aunts and mothers. I have the chance to talk with my Aunt Alice, and my mother, as Alice goes through the chemo. I don't have insurance, but I have a car. My primary relationship seems to keep weathering all of the rocky stuff, and we might go bowling together, tonight!

The substitute teaching has really made me have a different perspective. It's as cheesy as "Everything I Ever Needed To Know I learned In Kindergarten..." - I mean, the same rules apply!
I got weepy yesterday, after subbing, because of this one boy who always sits near my desk (not mine, but the big teacher desk), takes a crayon and draws a huge graph, and basically writes a 28 panel comic. For some reason, all of the hope in the world was made resonant by his artistic impulse.

Winter can be a bummer. I'm happier with long days and blooming things. Most of the kids were drawing sunshine and flowers yesterday. With the blue sky as a line across the top, and the green grass as a line across the bottom. And flowers, all in a row.

I hope this post makes sense.

depression is a bitch but fortunately i'm not really feeling depressed now. it seems when depression lifts this nasty little voice in my head awakens and tries to bring me down again. bastard!

it's faulty thinking, most self-esteem problems are, and I hope to beat it into submission.

The nasty little voice IS the depression. Knocking on your door. I want to send you a big stick for the beating it into submission part!

Another very simple, and logical thing is exercise. I'm not always so great at leaving the house if I feel blue, yet one vigorous walk down the street almost always lifts my spirits.

Beating depression into submission via martial arts has worked for a few friends of mine!
I imagine you wielding a stick against the depression, in a woman warrior outfit.

ah yes my depression never truly leaves. although it's much more quiet these days.

(i'm usually sam but misery is just fine as well. see above.)

Yes, it does. And to me it sounds like a fairish amount of what you are feeling is not so much depression as grief.

Depression is a hard thing to sort out. It can be caused by just plain chemical imbalances in your brain, in which case, no amount of 'perspective' is going to make you more hopeful. You will need a doctor to help you decide if you require some sort of anti-depressant drugs or similar therapy to climb out of that hole.

Depression can also be a temporary side effect of just coping with horrid situations. Luckily, this second sort is easier to wrestle with and ghet past. In this second circumstance the difference between sadness/grief and depression is that if you are feeling genuinely sad, then you are feeling something. This can tip over into depression when you start to supress and avoid feeling your grief, and you just go numb and stop feeling much of anything.

Usually, going numb in the face of grief or sadness is founded on one's sense that, either the grief is too big to face, or that if you stop to notice how you feel it will incapacitate you, or prevent you from carrying out your pressing responsibilities. This is a decent sort of coping skill, but it is hard to shut off. The "cure" is to make sure you identify, or set aside, times when you are allowed to feel like shit, to cry, to shake, to claw at your face, or whatever acts express your feelings most pungently.

Believe me, I know about this second kind of depression and it feels like an endless mountain of pain you are condemned to dig through. But, it is not endless, and the only real way forward is to go through. It is a hundred times easier to go through this if you have some emotional support from friends or family.

Good luck. Don't give up.

Would you like to go any farther with this? if you like to make yourself feel good by making a nasty, one line comment in reference to a long post, go right ahead. I hope your day was made brighter by being an asshole.

it can often be a good to think of how unfortunate we are even in the worst of times. It can help to give you some perspective.

I have a perverse genius for doing the wrong thing. Why shouldn't I hate myself?

Self-loathing and self-disgust seem to be more common than self-hatred. But then there's that whole, nasty thing about self-harming that I can't really wrap my head around, either.

I hate myself all of the time. It comes from growing up in a military family. Self-hatred prepares you for confrontation with thine enemy.

it's easy to be to weak to survive and too weak to kill yourself

@tree_bro
I feel like shit and i hate myself <-- CAN ANYBODY RELATE TO THIS??? ANYBODY/??? ON THE INTERNET?????

I hate who I am around certain people.

99% of my current anger issues come from the feeling that id like to kick my own ass

what is 1% from?

his ass

Lol

i wrote this down in a word document after a bad experience with w33d a couple years ago

our relationship with ourselves is unbearably, cloyingly close so of course it leads to resentment, even disgust. the solution is to focus on things outside the self but this can only be a distraction. in a deep, primordial sense i'm not sure people can ever really unproblematically love themselves the way they can love other people.

i'm not sure if i fully believe this anymore but i do know that i resent people who report liberating having liberating insights after taking drugs

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