tell a joke

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a man goes to all you can eat chinese restaurant. says to the waiter, says, "this chicken is rubbery."
waiter says, "thank you very much."

― matthew james (matthew james), Sunday, 27 April 2003 00:22 (twenty-two years ago)

What goes 99-bonk?
A centipede with a wooden leg.

― Matt (Matt), Sunday, 27 April 2003 00:25 (twenty-two years ago)

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

― luna (luna.c), Sunday, 27 April 2003 00:25 (twenty-two years ago)

I'd tell the joke about the man with the big orange head, but it would take ages.

― Matt (Matt), Sunday, 27 April 2003 00:26 (twenty-two years ago)

What do you call a piano down a pit shaft?
A flat minor.

― Matt (Matt), Sunday, 27 April 2003 00:27 (twenty-two years ago)

What do you call a piano falling on a parade ground?
A flat major

― Matt (Matt), Sunday, 27 April 2003 00:28 (twenty-two years ago)

Knock knock
Who's there?
S-Club
S Club-who?
That's showbusiness!

― Matt (Matt), Sunday, 27 April 2003 00:29 (twenty-two years ago)

What's black and white and read all over?
A penguin with sunburn.

― Matt (Matt), Sunday, 27 April 2003 00:29 (twenty-two years ago)

Sorry, I'll stop now.

― Matt (Matt), Sunday, 27 April 2003 00:30 (twenty-two years ago)

what do donkeys get for dinner?
half an hour.

― matthew james (matthew james), Sunday, 27 April 2003 00:35 (twenty-two years ago)

What's sticky and brown?
A brownie.

― buttch (Oops), Sunday, 27 April 2003 00:38 (twenty-two years ago)

What do you call a blind deer?
No-eye-deer.

What do you call a blind paralyzed deer?
still no eye deer.

― Maria (Maria), Sunday, 27 April 2003 04:34 (twenty-two years ago)

So these three statisticians go duck-hunting. A duck flies up, the first guy takes a shot, missed by a foot to the left. Second duck flies up, second guy takes a shot, missed by a foot to the right.

The third guy yells, "We got one!"

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 27 April 2003 04:36 (twenty-two years ago)

Have you heard about the courdoroy pillows?

No? But they're making headlines all over!

― phil-two (phil-two), Sunday, 27 April 2003 09:55 (twenty-two years ago)

In keeping with the statistician gag, one of my faves, for scientists only. An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician are driving into Scotland. They cross the border, and see a black sheep in a field. The astronomer says "Look - all Scottish sheep are black!" The physicist says "No, no - all we know are that some Scottish sheep are black." "No, no," says the mathematician. "We know that in Scotland there exists at least one sheep, at least one side of which is black."

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Sunday, 27 April 2003 10:13 (twenty-two years ago)

^
|
hahahaha

― JuliaA (j_bdules), Sunday, 27 April 2003 13:12 (twenty-two years ago)

what's red and you can't see it?

an invisible firetruck.

oy.

― mitch lastnamewithheld (mitchlnw), Sunday, 27 April 2003 13:16 (twenty-two years ago)

What's the difference between the Israeli army and Dwight Yorke?
The Israelis knew when to pull out of Jordan.

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Sunday, 27 April 2003 13:28 (twenty-two years ago)

Another two for scientists (as told by my sister the doctor of chemistry):

Two atoms walk into a bar, and one turns to the other and says "Shit! I'm missing one of my electrons." The other says "What? Are you sure?" The first says "Yeah, I'm positive!"

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender "How much for a beer?" The bartender says "Usually, two dollars, but for you buddy, no charge."

― martin m. (mushrush), Sunday, 27 April 2003 13:32 (twenty-two years ago)

A string walks into a bar, hops on the bar stool, and says, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender says, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here." Disappointed, the string hops down from the stool and goes to the next bar. He hops on the bar stool and says, again, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender says, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here." The string continues down the row of bars in this fashion. At every bar, he hops on the barstool and says, "Bartender, gimme a beer." Each time, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here." Finally he gets to the last bar in the area. He's tired, he's sweaty, all he wants is a beer. He trudges inside, climbs on the barstool, and says, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender says, "I'm sorry, sir, we don't serve strings here." Pissed off, the string walks outside to think. He's a hard-working string. He deserves a beer. Finally, he comes up with an idea. He twists himself up and musses up his ends, then heads back into the bar. "Bartender, gimme a beer!" Bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that piece of string that was in here a few minutes ago?" The string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

― mitch lastnamewithheld (mitchlnw), Sunday, 27 April 2003 13:42 (twenty-two years ago)

What to you do with a dog with no legs?

Take it for a drag.

― Bruce Urquhart (Bruce Urquhart), Sunday, 27 April 2003 14:06 (twenty-two years ago)

The M1 walks into a bar, and asks for a drink. barman asks if he's gonna cause trouble. 'No' replies the M1. 'Just he for a quiet pint with my mate with A62'. The A62 walks in 5 minutes later, and gets asked the same question. satisfied, the barman lets him join his mate. About 5 minutes later, a think red-line walks in, and the M1 and A62 immediately become tense. The barman notices and says 'is he one of your mates?'. M1 says 'nah, don't let him get served. He's a fucking cycle path.'

― Dave B (daveb), Sunday, 27 April 2003 23:59 (twenty-two years ago)

lame joke I've heard today:

"I have a favourite record by Philp Glass."
"Which one?"
"Any of them"

― Sébastien Chikara (Sébastien Chikara), Monday, 28 April 2003 00:06 (twenty-two years ago)

A guy sees the famous musician he idolizes. Nervously, he tries to chat up with the musician.

Guy: "I've got all your records."
Musician: "So you're the one who took them!"

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Monday, 28 April 2003 09:27 (twenty-two years ago)

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog seller?

"Make me one with everything"

― j0e (j0e), Monday, 28 April 2003 09:35 (twenty-two years ago)

There's this brilliant farmer, really dedicated, he's always walking around with his cows, never goes inside or takes a rest or anything. Apparently he's really good, the neighbors all say he's a man out standing in his field.

― Tep (ktepi), Monday, 28 April 2003 17:29 (twenty-two years ago)

heres a really crappy one i made up... what do you call a new zealander with a velvet underground record? a musician.

― di smith (lucylurex), Monday, 28 April 2003 22:15 (twenty-two years ago)

Jesus walks into a hotel in Bethlehem, puts three nails on the counter and says 'Can you put me up for the night?'

― Gatinha (rwillmsen), Monday, 28 April 2003 22:20 (twenty-two years ago)

nine years pass...

Darth Vader walks into a record store. He goes up to the clerk behind the counter and says "Do you have a copy of George Michael's 1987 album?". The clerk says "Sorry, we don't", to which Vader replies "I find your lack of Faith disturbing."

― Paul McCartney, the Gary Barlow of The Beatles (snoball), Thursday, 29 November 2012 12:21 (thirteen years ago)

brilliant

― make like a steak and beef (dog latin), Thursday, 29 November 2012 12:28 (thirteen years ago)

― Mark G, Thursday, 29 November 2012 12:36 (thirteen years ago)

didn't like the delivery

― bill paxman (darraghmac), Thursday, 29 November 2012 12:41 (thirteen years ago)

I want to write a joke about a musician, say Thom Yorke, and some guy goes up to him and says "Your music is hit, it makes me want to jump out of a window", and Thom says words to the effect of "I'll have to try harder with that then".

Or something, I dunno, I'm still working on it.

― make like a steak and beef (dog latin), Thursday, 29 November 2012 12:43 (thirteen years ago)

maybe you should give up

― nostormo, Thursday, 29 November 2012 13:06 (thirteen years ago)

"whats you name?"
"cotton"
"are you sure your name is cotton?"
"yes, 100% cotton".

― nostormo, Thursday, 29 November 2012 13:10 (thirteen years ago)

three years pass...

why did the french chef commit suicide?
he lost his huile d'olive

― flopson, Thursday, 10 December 2015 18:13 (ten years ago)

Deserves to be told again...

― Paul McCartney, the Gary Barlow of The Beatles (snoball), Thursday, November 29, 2012 7:21 AM (3 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

― Fetty Wap Is Strong In Here (cryptosicko), Thursday, 10 December 2015 18:39 (ten years ago)

love the chef one

― racket from the coombes (wins), Thursday, 10 December 2015 20:31 (ten years ago)

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