How did you learn 'the facts of life'?

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I was 9. On a school bus in Athens, Greece with classmates from the British Embassy School. We were about to set off on a school trip to Delphi or somewhere. Kirsti, the Norwegian girl I secretly fancied, was sitting a couple of rows ahead. Paul, the smooth American I feared she secretly fancied, was telling her: 'You know the man puts his thingy in the woman's thingy, don't you?'

What nonsense! How could that be true? Paul's credibility is undermined forever. Nobody will take his slick, silly stories seriously again. He's really blown it. Kirsti will start to snub him now. Maybe she'll pay attention to me!

But... what if it's true? Can life really contain something so nonsensical, so animal-like? Has there been a vast conspiracy to keep this absurd secret from me until this moment? Who's mad, me or the world?

― Momus (Momus), Friday, 2 May 2003 17:23 (twenty-two years ago)

http://66.45.57.13/wwyk/shows/dstrokes/mrsg.jpg

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Friday, 2 May 2003 17:26 (twenty-two years ago)

i had sex with Tootie.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Friday, 2 May 2003 17:28 (twenty-two years ago)

i showed my thing to another girl in kindergarten during naptime one time and we both giggled hysterically, so i did it the next day too, and it was even funnier, her name was kimberly, never became friends, the next year i was gone to a different school

that's how i learned the facts of life

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Friday, 2 May 2003 17:35 (twenty-two years ago)

When I was eight or nine, my father gave me a very clinical book on reproduction, which, of course, made me very, very popular on the school ground at recess. I became something of an authority, and my dad never had to have that uncomfortable conversation with me.

― Bruce Urquhart (Bruce Urquhart), Friday, 2 May 2003 17:37 (twenty-two years ago)

I don't remember the exact wording my dad used -- something about "the seed." He didn't specify what the seed was, or where it went, or what it was for. For years I had this mental image of a little anthropomorphic sunflower seed walking across the bed.

― Kenan Hebert (kenan), Friday, 2 May 2003 17:43 (twenty-two years ago)

http://www.mind-body-therapies.com/amazon/womens_bodies.jpg

― Sarah McLUsky (coco), Friday, 2 May 2003 17:43 (twenty-two years ago)

My sister's best friend told us both that her mom told her that a guy peed inside you and then you had a baby. ICK! We definitely weren't into that idea.

― Sarah MCLUsky (coco), Friday, 2 May 2003 17:44 (twenty-two years ago)

My parents told me about stuff, much to my (at the time) chagrin; of course you don't want your parents talking about that stuff!.

When I was young, they were the opposite of all the other kids' parents in that they would not let me watch films/TV with violence, but they would with films featuring sex & nudity. Their reasoning: violence is bad, sex is good. That just always made so much sense to me.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Friday, 2 May 2003 17:49 (twenty-two years ago)

But you eventually came around to it, right Sarah? (sorry)

― buttch (Oops), Friday, 2 May 2003 17:49 (twenty-two years ago)

ha ha, buttch. I like your new fake email by the way.

― Sarah MClusky (coco), Friday, 2 May 2003 17:50 (twenty-two years ago)

I had the fertilizing urine misconception for a long time too! I can't remember though if that's what I was told or if I just couldn't imagine a different substance spouting from the same hole.

― chester (synkro), Friday, 2 May 2003 17:53 (twenty-two years ago)

I never got the talk. I was left at the mercy of the Catholic School System's Dept. of Sexual Misinformation. At the age of 13, I was briefly under the impression that girls had three holes. My old friends still like to laugh at that.

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Friday, 2 May 2003 17:55 (twenty-two years ago)

They kinda do Horace.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Friday, 2 May 2003 17:58 (twenty-two years ago)

well, but three, uh, distinct holes. I mean two of them are sort of part of the same, uh, system.

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Friday, 2 May 2003 18:00 (twenty-two years ago)

Horace learns facts of life on this thread shockah!

― Momus (Momus), Friday, 2 May 2003 18:00 (twenty-two years ago)

Another great place to learn about the facts of life is the schoolbus. IT's full of all kinds of information. Diagrams, condoms, what-have-you.

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Friday, 2 May 2003 18:00 (twenty-two years ago)

http://www.delos.fantascienza.com/delos58/img/worldnews/have-no-mouth.jpg

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Friday, 2 May 2003 18:00 (twenty-two years ago)

i can't remember, my parents told me when i must have been quite young. but i do remember being under the impression that condoms were colourful plastic cages, a bit like dog muzzles.

― minna (minna), Friday, 2 May 2003 18:03 (twenty-two years ago)

I also thought that a woman peed with her whole vagina; that a great jet like from a sizable garden hose poured out in a cascading rush that could fill whole quarts at a time. This made me feel more than a little inferior. But then I also thought that the vagina opened on the front of a woman's groin and so could never understand why they had to sit down.

― chester (synkro), Friday, 2 May 2003 18:03 (twenty-two years ago)

I learned about it on the farm, watching the horsies go at it.

― fletrejet, Friday, 2 May 2003 18:05 (twenty-two years ago)

Do people laugh at the noise you make when you climax?

― buttch (Oops), Friday, 2 May 2003 18:07 (twenty-two years ago)

whinny climaxes? neigh

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Friday, 2 May 2003 18:08 (twenty-two years ago)

i thought phrophylactic sponges were perverted sex-toys

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Friday, 2 May 2003 18:08 (twenty-two years ago)

I still don't understand how the inserting-the-diaphragm process works. Anyone care to enlighten me? Like Horace I have a lifetime love of learning.

― chester (synkro), Friday, 2 May 2003 18:10 (twenty-two years ago)

This is my childhood sweetheart Kirsti today.

She restores Roman frescos of martyrs and stuff. I actually met up with her in Oslo when I was on tour there. She told me she liked Paul, but Alex -- the school bully! -- was the one she really had a thing for! Alex!

― Momus (Momus), Friday, 2 May 2003 18:13 (twenty-two years ago)

So did you tap that ass or what?

― buttch (Oops), Friday, 2 May 2003 18:16 (twenty-two years ago)

No, no, Kirsti is the name I used to write on my rubbers when they were just things I used to erase pencil marks.

― Momus (Momus), Friday, 2 May 2003 18:20 (twenty-two years ago)

but now they have other uses, in addition to erasing pencil marks.

― buttch (Oops), Friday, 2 May 2003 18:22 (twenty-two years ago)

Health class in 5th grade. People laughed at my ignorance :(

― Curt1s St3ph3ns, Friday, 2 May 2003 18:26 (twenty-two years ago)

You guys are all so lame. I made out with my best friend when I was 8! She was a girl! Somehow we were pretending to be characters from Sweet Valley Twins and it seemed to make sense to make out.

― Ally (mlescaut), Friday, 2 May 2003 21:53 (twenty-two years ago)

I don't remember exactly when it was, but probably somewhere between 2nd and 5th grade. Someone in school told me, but I didn't believe him. However, he didn't do a very good job of explaining things, as I seem to remember "pee" being mentioned, rather than semen, for example. My brother and father confirmed the gist of what he had told me, but corrected some of the details. (I just read Sarah's post, and yes, that's how I heard it.)

Because I already knew, my dad and I agreed that we didn't need to have the full-scale "talk," which apparently we were both uncomfortable with. In retrospect, I think this might have adversely affected my relationship to my father in the long run. From what my brother said, when he had that talk with my father, my father revealed a certain amount of personal information that would have made the whole thing maybe subject, and reality, more approachable. (On the other hand, I do think I would have been pretty embarrassed.) I think it may be one thing that contributed to the difference between my brother's relationship to my father and my relationship to my father; though not the most important thing.

Tracer, when I was in second grade, I used to expose myself under the desk to anyone who would look. Then I decided it was bad, and stopped.

― Rockist Scientist, Friday, 2 May 2003 22:09 (twenty-two years ago)

I was too embarrassed to have the full talk with my parents, so I started checking out the "sexuality" section of the bookstore to learn stuff, eventually I bought a couple titles to read at home.

― Charles McCain (Charles McCain), Friday, 2 May 2003 22:43 (twenty-two years ago)

I think my mum told me. I can't really remember.

― Matt (Matt), Friday, 2 May 2003 22:45 (twenty-two years ago)

i looked up "sex" in the dictionary.

― ryan (ryan), Friday, 2 May 2003 22:49 (twenty-two years ago)

still learning

― gabbneb (gabbneb), Saturday, 3 May 2003 03:12 (twenty-two years ago)

you mean girls dont pee out of their butts?

― phil-two (phil-two), Saturday, 3 May 2003 03:19 (twenty-two years ago)

i think i found and read some porn at around age 8 or 9

― H (Heruy), Saturday, 3 May 2003 03:23 (twenty-two years ago)

ah the porn cache - "free lunch" city!

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Saturday, 3 May 2003 04:25 (twenty-two years ago)

Finding my dad's playboys was a huge moment for me. For months I'd been dreaming abut vaginas, and getting it all wrong.

― Kenan Hebert (kenan), Saturday, 3 May 2003 04:25 (twenty-two years ago)

you mean girls dont pee out of their butts?

no, you can stop being gay now.

― RJG (RJG), Saturday, 3 May 2003 04:34 (twenty-two years ago)

My liberal-minded parents kept a copy of The Joy of Sex in the living room bookshelf, assuming (correctly) that my sister and I would eventually find it. As did all of our grade-school friends. Heated arguments ensued: "Eww, my mom and dad never did that!" "Of course they did, that's the only way you could be here!" "Ewww...did not!" Etc.

― JesseFox (JesseFox), Saturday, 3 May 2003 04:43 (twenty-two years ago)

At a ridiculously advanced age (14?) I mumbled something to my mother about being laughed at for not understanding the graffiti in the girls' bathroom; she left a library book on the subject on my dresser. I read it, and thought it was just another bit of speculative fiction -- it sounded so unlikely, after all. Took me at least a year to accept that, yeah, that probably really was what happened.

― Layna Andersen (Layna Andersen), Saturday, 3 May 2003 05:31 (twenty-two years ago)

i like the 30% off sign on the women's body book.

― erik, Saturday, 3 May 2003 07:34 (twenty-two years ago)

I read about it in a Ladybird book. I thought, this has to be made up. But my mother confirmed that it wasn't.

― DV (dirtyvicar), Saturday, 3 May 2003 07:45 (twenty-two years ago)

You obviously had a hotter class of Ladybird Book than our collection.

― Momus (Momus), Saturday, 3 May 2003 17:04 (twenty-two years ago)

My mom explained things to me when I was only 4 or 5...I remember her asking me if I knew why boys and girls were made differently and I said very patronizingly, of course I know, it's so the doctor can tell what you are when you're born. I don't remember any of the rest of the conversation. When I was older (10 or 11) I began volunteering in the library and would hide in the stacks looking up information I was still a bit confused about. I remember it took me forever to find a book that would tell me what a dildo was.

― teeny (teeny), Saturday, 3 May 2003 19:40 (twenty-two years ago)

http://www.nwoca.org/www/sites/culbertson/hearticon.gif
...from my brothers stolen library books on human sexuality...http://www.nwoca.org/www/sites/culbertson/hearticon.gif

― Roman (Roman), Saturday, 3 May 2003 19:45 (twenty-two years ago)

The usual playground talk ("nooo WAY"), then from the nuns in 5th grade (!!!) - when I moved in with my dad at 12, my stepmom asked me what I knew, and I was mortified and didn't want to talk about it and mistakenly thought if I said "nothing," she'd go away and not bother me with it ever again. I was wrong - she gave me the whole talk again, and I was dying.

― luna (luna.c), Saturday, 3 May 2003 20:10 (twenty-two years ago)

well, but three, uh, distinct holes. I mean two of them are sort of part of the same, uh, system.

wtf??

― That Girl (thatgirl), Saturday, 3 May 2003 20:17 (twenty-two years ago)

Yes, I was wondering. I decided I didn't want to ask.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Saturday, 3 May 2003 21:02 (twenty-two years ago)

You see Uranus is part of the solar system.

(Sorry.)

― bnw (bnw), Saturday, 3 May 2003 22:10 (twenty-two years ago)

ditto ally. only me and the girl didn't like each other very much outside of the tussocks on the side of the road, and we were pretending to be doctors and nurses. got caught by my brother, who was going on a bike ride one day. he threatened to tell everyone in school.

― di smith (lucylurex), Sunday, 4 May 2003 00:54 (twenty-two years ago)

afterwards my big sister gave me the hard facts, cos she knew mum and dad would leave a lot out.

― di smith (lucylurex), Sunday, 4 May 2003 00:55 (twenty-two years ago)

Horace, women have three very distict holes.

We have (moving from front to back):
the urethra, which connects to the bladder
the vagina, which connects to the womb
the anus, which connects to the intestines

We also have a clitoris, and this has no holes at all.

Here is a picture (from the alt.sex FAQ) that might help...

http://www.luckymojo.com/faqs/altsex/femlintrnl.gif

― toraneko (toraneko), Sunday, 4 May 2003 02:14 (twenty-two years ago)

I think what horace is calculating goes like this, folks:

1. Vadge!!! (named after japanese cartoon characters)
2. Mouth!!
3. Asshole!!!!

and y'see MOUTH and ASSHOLE are, quite appropriately, connected (part of same system) by one long tube where magic happens and makes the tofu cubes in your miso soup suddenly appear the next day as doodie poops in your toilet bowl.

The Vadge remains a mystery, however. I have heard that one can catch horrible diseases from it, and that babykillers use it to get at unborn infants. Enigmatic.

― Millar (Millar), Sunday, 4 May 2003 02:42 (twenty-two years ago)

my mother gave me a book.
i was eight.

― thuddd (thuddd), Sunday, 4 May 2003 09:00 (twenty-two years ago)

I don't know if Horace wins for the Charlotte Rae pic or if Momus wins for quoting an Underworld sample (or perhaps the source material; I can only identify based on my personal context).

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Sunday, 4 May 2003 19:15 (twenty-two years ago)

It's funny you should mention confusion over the number of holes because when I had sex education at school at the age of eleven, I hadn't yet made the discovery of the middle one. I'm not sure why. It seems a pretty strange thing to miss, but somehow I didn't know I had one. This made the classes somewhat mysterious to me. I knew there was something that didn't make sense but I was too shy to ask the teacher.

― Amarga (Amarga), Monday, 5 May 2003 04:28 (twenty-two years ago)

Never had the talk, mostly just picked it up on the playground.

I found a couple of Playboys when I was in third grade, and started cutting out individual photos to sell to my classmates for their lunch money.

― miloauckerman (miloauckerman), Monday, 5 May 2003 04:50 (twenty-two years ago)

abduction and anal probe by these clowns ...

http://www.log.dial.pipex.com/1997/smash.jpg

― Tad (llamasfur), Monday, 5 May 2003 05:47 (twenty-two years ago)

A combination of this book

http://www2m.biglobe.ne.jp/~okiraku-/spawn.jpg

and this little fella

http://www.mobilechannels.com/images/shared/willie_phone.gif

and, now I think about it, a show on this

http://freespace.virgin.net/thisisilr.net/rm/guide.jpg

radio station. Timbo? God I hope not.

― CharlieNo4 (Charlie), Monday, 5 May 2003 07:46 (twenty-two years ago)

there was this creepy little dwarfy runty looking kid with fucked up lungs (he wheezed & coughed all the time like that black kid in "malcolm in the middle") at the catholic school i went to for a while when i was 11 (see i experimented with many schools of different religious persuasions at that time)(they all sucked!) & he told me "you know that little thing betw. (....)(unintelligible)(?)'s legs?" (me : "yeah" [but i thought he meant betw. a girl's legs, you know, the clitoris, i'd seen my sister's 'cause we had to take baths together])"...well you take that & you stick it in her [arse? bum? i can't remember what word he used but anyway it referred to the fundament not the reproductive organ] & [bunch of other stuff i didn't understand]". yeah it didn't matter that i'd got such a misleading impression, it was gonna be a LOOOOOONG time before i got to actually try any of this stuff.

― duane, Monday, 5 May 2003 08:50 (twenty-two years ago)

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