Trusting People, Give Me a Reason to Bother...

But why trust people? Because life is impossible to live without trusting people. Those people talking about you behind your back may be trying to help you constructively, but it doesn't always seem that way. But don't hold the rest of the world to too high standards. We're only human.

Trust is such a weird thing. I've been in your shoes so many time. People talk about other people, I won't say "don't let it bother you" because obviously, it does hurt. But just because people talk about you behind your back does not mean that they are not you friends, it does not mean that they don't care about you, it just means that they are gossips.

I've been through this SO MANY TIMES, yes, even on ILE, and I've left this place over it a couple of times before. But ultimately... what can you do? Close yourself off and never trust anyone again? That's not very pleasant either. You end up cold and alone.

::sends positive grooviness::

I guess there's a lot I could say but I can't go into it right now. All I can say is, I've been there, hang on.

Probably the truest thing that will be said in the thread. Some people do it, some people don't. In an ideal world the people who gossip/joke about other people would only do so about their fellow gossipers, perhaps. I'm one of the people who do - most of it is affectionate, though, and I'm sure I'm 'victim' to it too. (I would say that it was a bad habit or a trait I dislike about myself but I'd be lying.)

the stepmom/dad thing, well, surely you have had to change your plans before because something big came up. sometimes life pops up and throws you a curveball (do you know what? i dont even know what a curveball is, but hey). it seems thats whats happened to them, things have gone wrong for them, they couldnt know that. their intentions were good, but life got in the way. think about it, i doubt either of them planned to mess you about

i dont know about the friends thing, i couldnt say. as for ilx, well again, i'm not sure, but if you have a problem with a few posters i wouldnt let that stop you posting. there are a lot of people on this board dont forget. and there are a fair few posters who dont seem to get on with each other, but that hasnt stopped them interact with all the others in a good way. i wouldnt let that stop you using ilx

look, it comes down to this, if you trust people you will get burnt from time to time, but that is life. you have to accept that that is a price worth paying. the failure is not the trusting, but putting the trust in the wrong people. and its not a case of "this person is not trustworthy, but this one is", its a sliding scale

its like with all the people i know, i trust them to varying degrees, you know who you can count on, and how much each can be counted on for

ha, good one gareth, dad and stepmom were supposed to go to a Yankees game with me. So we'd see plenty of curveballs.

Seriously, this is a similar situation to where I've been recently; between band stuff (people who owe us money keep saying "oh yeah, we'll have it next Friday", people who get us to "gigswap" with them, but don't get us a return gig [thus cancelling the 'swap' portion out], etc.), personal stuff (people who tell you they "really want to be with you" but then avoid you/your calls like plague, "friends" who are friends in that there are things they want that they can use you to get, etc.), work stuff (customers telling you they're sending money/info/whatever over-and-over-again and NOT DOING IT WHATSOEVER, insurance companies cancelling/increasing-premiums-on our customers' accounts for RETARDED reasons, etc.). I was really at this point where I was like frustrated with all of humanity, and didn't feel like I could trust anyone for anything.

Lately I've been...

A) ...specifically avoiding people I know are shitting me...
B) ...being entirely 100% straight-up with people about everything...
C) ...(in some cases) FORCING myself to just get over it & accept that there are some people who aren't going to be real with you, and even finding a little entertainment in the fact that they are that way...

...and it's helped me get closer with people I really can trust, as well as helping me weed out some of the sources of lots of frustration & confusion & negativity in my life.

So, um...

Trusting People (What You Know You Can Trust) = CLASSICKER THAN FUCK

Trusting People (What You Know You Can't Trust) = DUDFUCKER

but do you think that there is any actual malice behind what the people were doing? or is it something that got out of hand?

the other thing is, when groups of people get involved in something, which seems to be the case here, people go further than they would otherwise, and perhaps do things they wouldnt do otherwise

Holy hannah, this is just what I needed to hear right now. Thank you!

All you can do is try not to get tooo cynical and see what you can do to be straight-up (with a reasonable amount of tact) and honest, the way you want others to be. And hope to find like-minded people.

woah, kick yr ass????? and you count this person as a friend????

i wouldnt be too hard on the sheep part of it, especially if people apologize. yes, its not great to do that, but people do get swept along sometimes, perhaps we all have, its one of the downsides of group dynamics. an apology and explanation go a long way, with me at least

Apologies and explanations would've been nice back in February when this all went down.

You talk about several different situations, obviously, they're all about trust, but they're very different forms of trust. The trust level with work related people - trust no one, expect nothing, but ask anyway. That's all you can hope for, maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised.

With parents... it'd be nice if you could always trust them to do what they say, but you have to remember that your parents are not perfect beings, they have lives and foibles and imperfections of their own. If your mum is not doing what she said, it might be *nothing* to do with you. She's going to be in a horrible place herself, if she's going to be going through a divorce. In a situation like that, *you* have to let your mother trust you (just to be there, to be flexible, etc) rather than trusting her.

OK, I'll post that first and go back and address the friends/trust thing. Cause that's another kettle of fish.

Hstencil, you seem to me (and maybe I'm just projecting, because this is the way that *I* am) to be one of those people that is very open and honest and lives your entire life without keeping anything private. Me, I find that total honesty is the best defense. But a lot of people find this very threatening, and will try to take this honesty and use it as if it were a weakness - which in them, the way they perceive openness, it would be.

Hence, the difference between plain gossip and malicious gossip. People gossip, they just do. I say nothing behind anyone's back that I wouldn't say to their face, but a lot of people are NOT like that. And I find that incredibly difficult to deal with.

But really, why should *you* change because they cannot deal with your openness? In a paraphrase of Nickalicious, it's their problem, not yours.

If it's a "difference in openness" kind of gossip, I try to be understanding and just let it slide. But malicious gossip - prank-pulling, that sort of thing? Christ. One bad apple really can ruin a whole bunch, one person's deliberate maliciousness and spite really can wreck havoc. I've been through this - half of it very publicly on ILX. You get so angry - half of you wants to know, "How can Person X be SO evil?" and the other half of you wants to know "How the HELL could you SHEEP just go along with it?"

But if you react, if you protest, if you react, it makes you look like the bad guy. The best thing you can do is rise above, write it off to experience, learn who you can and can't trust (and remember, just because you can't trust people doesn't mean they can't be "buddies" - it just means they're a different layer of friend). The WORST thing you can do is change yourself for the worse, let an evil person twist you into a person different than what you are.

Some people view openness and honesty as a strength. And they are the people who will end up being your true friends.

People who relentlessly piss-take to the point where it actually causes hurt do so out of fear rather than any kind of love or affinity. And that sounds like total dud to me.

Sometimes, the best thing in life is to do what my uncle used to say: Take a little "walk through the desert". Whether it be from friends, women/men, family, whatever... It helps. Of course, to do that, you may need to be an only child/natural loner, or something like that. People who are used to calling up 50 people every time they go to the bathroom may crack under that sort of solitude.

Sorry if that doesn't give much of an answer, but I do know the feeling...

Everyone here as given good advice. I would emphasize/add that yes trusting people is a risky business. But you have to take those chances in life. Always take care of yourself first and stay honest! I'm honest to a fault sometimes but it is not a characteristic I would change.

And you know you can always trust me. And Ned probably. ;)

all i can say is that i've been let down by ppl and sometimes it does feel like you're getting kicked in the mouth but the alternative, closing yourself off and not finding those ppl who will be there (and in my expereinec are there) is too depressing to contemplate. hang in there.

i figure most ppl are twice as fallible as i imagine myself (coz obv. i have an exaggerated view of my fallability) and try to start from there, eh?