OK ILXorZ, now advertise things

call Bantam Insurance today to make your claim

Tired of your boss not respecting you?

Tired of ring around the collar?

Tired of tripping over the kids' toys?

Tired of that thing where you go to the bus stop five minutes early and it's five minutes late, but when you go five minutes late, it was five minutes early?

Drink Moxie, you whiny twit.

(Open up on shots of partying people in Ibiza. Channel 4 logo on right of screen. It fades off in that weird way after a few seconds. Cheesy trance music begins.)

ANNOYING VOOF VOICEOVER: New on Four!

(Cut to shot of people throwing other people into pools, pig ugly man with sopping wet gelled hair groping and snogging girl while her friends roar and squeal.)

VOICEOVER: It's back, and wilder than ever!

(Cut to shots of more people dancing, DJ in booth, people dancing in lots of foam, club reps walking in corridors.)

VOICEOVER: The party never stops...

(Cut to shots of more people dancing, ugly shaven headed man dressed in bikini, people wandering streets of San Marino (or whatever the hell it's called) going "wahey", etc.)

VOICEOVER: ...in Fuck Off And Read A Book 2003!

(Cut to shots of people dancing in foam, Haruki Murakami aiming a gun while holding it sideways and firing at club rep who stumbles away clutching his brains, woman sucking top of beer bottle as if it were penis, POV shot of Thomas Pynchon looking into a mirror and grinning while eels writhe on his hotel bed behind him.)

VOICEOVER: Entertain yourself in a better way than gawping passively at a bunch of fuckwits who couldn't care less about music and instead only concern themselves with drugs and getting a feel off some bird's jugs!

(Shots of tanks rolling across beach, firing indiscrimantly (sp) at terrified holidaymakers. Top of tank's hatch opens up, out of which a baby in military uniform pops out, barking orders through a megaphone. Gawky skinny bloke with wide eyes flails his arms. Boy George giggles. Donna Tartt stumbles across mountain tops with her arms and legs strapped inside long hollow metal poles fitted with wheels.)

VOICEOVER: Fuck Off And Read A Book 2003 - the party starts here!

(Cut to shot of Ibiza skyline, Channel 4 logo fades in and programme info smoothly slides in from right. Cheesy trance reaches crescendo and ends. Hold and fade out.)

Moxie's a nerve tonic, too. It'd heal that right up!

*a good-looking tall white man wearing sunglasses smiles seductively at a very good-looking tall white woman with white-people dreadlocks*

*they move in slow-motion towards each other through a crowd of people moving about in regular time*

*they reach their hands forward until their fingers barely touch*

(down-tempo groove stops, break to ambient wind noises)

*the real-time crowd comes to a complete stop, frozen, as the couple pull each other into an embrace in real-time*

*close up of LEVI'S logo on their well-toned asses*

(down-tempo groove starts back again as the two walk away in real-time through the crowd still on 'pause' mode)

Wait, sorry... wrong thread!!!

V/O: There's no subsitute for a liberal arts degree.