Has anyone ever met up with an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend for lunch?

if it was last week DON'T GO! meeting her for lunch will destroy your life.

but if you split up a while ago it'll probably be grand. I mean, it's only lunch.

you can play the fun game of being more mature about things than your ex.

This was a towel she had told me she had a year after the break up. I had told her to keep it cause it wasn't worth the cost of shipping it to me.

After lunch, when she gave me the towel, she said "I washed it." She meant it to be funny, and all I could think to say was "I should hope so. It's been seven years."

Before that moment, I'd never known what it feels like to think "I should have had the club sandwich." Not even metaphorically.

I still have the fucking thing because I haven't gotten around to doing something cool and exorcising with it, and because the practical side of me still uses it for things like cleaning the toilet. I kinda want to paint on it "This towel makes me feel dirty." Or set it on fire and dance around it or something.

Wait, what was I talking about?

I was initially delighted to hear he would be back in the UK at the end of July and readily agreed to meet up for lunch. The reason for worrying about it is that in subsequent emails he has been asking stuff like 'does your SO know about our past', and suggesting it should be a sort of clandestine meeting that neither of our partners are told about. That doesn't sound right, does it?

It does sound a little like he's planning some kinda tryst. Eek.

margaritas go well with heartache. This should be a song.

In the case of another ex, I'm very sad to say that this sort of thing never leads to sex/getting back together.

mmm,margaritas.

My ex since then, though, is still my closest friend, like I've mentioned on other threads. We're having dinner tonight before the Buffy finale.

I heartily endorse Nabisco's advice to meet for lunch and be ready to say "Look at the time! I've gotta run," in the event things go weird. CJ, from what you describe, it sounds like this guy has some potential to go weird.

and i wonder why it didn't work out!

i still love you so

He drove from Hitchen to Crouch End to see me. Looked much the same only tidier (lost the eyebrow ring and Ozric Tentacles t-shirt). One of the first things he said was:
"I'm really sorry about how I treated you."
"Paul, that was six years ago. I was 17. I've changed a lot since then."
"I've felt really bad all this time."
"Oh"

It was nice to see him, but I found it a little suss he wanted to meet up before marrying the girl he dumped me for. I also found out he voted Tory in the last election and had turned into an 'I've been travelling' bore.

just had an email from an ex who i haven't seen or heard from in about six years.

it was the most upsetting break-up i've ever had, and it took me ages to get over.

she's in town and wants to meet for coffee. i'm in two minds. advice pls?

coffee republic rather than starbucks.

are you both currently single?

(nb. I do get it, really.)

I spent years, in the back of my mind, going "aw what if, wonder where he is" about my first bf who'd lived here in melb before I moved here, and we broke up before I moved here. Saw him maybe once or twice after I moved, lost touch. Kept wondering where he was at. Didn't miss him, to be honest - just did the whole lame "want to catch up and fill in the gaps" mind thing.

Then after 15 years I recently found him on facebook. Said hi, we exchanged some messages, and all I could think was "holy shit, whatever I thought you were back then, either you ain't it now, or you never were. And god DAMN you got old".

I haven't met him or exchanged messages since. I don't wanna, anymore. Just don't care. It was nice for that remnant to finally drop out of my head.

Brave,

I've done this. Our first meeting was a two-months-after-the-breakup disaster where we ended up blubbering on each others shoulders. Subsequent meetings were 6 months later (awkward, resentful) and a year later (both finally moved on, forced joviality).

If sufficient time has passed to allow the feelings you had for her to fade (and it certainly sounds like it has) I imagine you'll be fine. Best case scenario is you walk out of the meeting happy for them and glad you went your separate ways.

also

what's new?
probably i'm boring you
of course you couldn't know

i still love you so

-- pulpo, Wednesday, May 21, 2003 11:04 AM (5 years ago) Bookmark Link

this song is fucking destructive and you should not listen to it before meeting

Should you do it? I think yes. It is better to be on good terms with people as much as possible and you cannot know the future. I think its good behaviour not to shut a door in a face if you can help it - and if you have moved on then this should pose no danger. The question really is, 'does this pose danger?'. If it does then that question is unresolved and will remain unresolved regardless of whether you meet her - the problem may well be yourself if so

Have you forgiven her for the breakup yet? Fully?

There's someone from the past I would still like to meet up with but am extremely unlikely to do so - and it does leave an unresolved feeling. It was also around 6 years ago, I have forgiven her, and I have forgiven myself. It no longer matters and I believe danger no longer exists there but it does leave a certain incompleteness.

If you do decide to see this person I think it would be wise to tell your current girlfriend. It might be a good idea to tell her if you decide not to see this person also

my ex called me to have lunch yesterday, it was nice.

I did this about a year ago but I went at it all wrong. I was single and she was not and things got way out of hand and weird. We pretty much don't talk anymore.

What I'm saying is don't let it go too far past lunch.

Have you forgiven her for the breakup yet? Fully?

i still resent the way it was done. whenever i think about it. which is almost never.

I don't know. I did this about three years ago with my ex and it was a huge mistake that resulted in him professing his love for me and fucking me up for a long time afterwards. We were both in relationships at the time. I don't know. Unless you are absolutely sure that no feelings whatsoever remain then I would generally advise against it.

ENBB--I was totally that dick last summer, lol.

Classic if you are socialising with an ex and yet another ex turns up randomly and says hello, which happens enough in the Small World ride that is London. Happened to me a few weeks ago.

Good if things are chill between you but bad if either of you are in any way sending out a Something To Prove vibe about ANYTHING.

Good if things are chill between you but bad if either of you are in any way sending out a Something To Prove vibe about ANYTHING.

True but sometimes you may think that things are chill and find out later that they actually aren't.

Be careful - that's all I'm saying.

the last time i tried to do this i got stood up! and getting lunch was HIS idea.

it at least confirmed that my decision to leave was an awesome and correct one.

i still resent the way it was done. whenever i think about it. which is almost never

Did she ever explain or apologize? Perhaps that is what she wants to do now. It might be good to meet her and give her that chance. If she hasn't then problem might be that if you meet up and she doesn't do either of those things, new resentment occurs. Although if she doesn't offer the above I wouldn't ask for it

Although it is not without risk I think doing this is a good thing for the self, and remembering that she can't hurt you - you can only hurt yourself. Its you that you have to trust, not her

Cherry Blossom is wise.

yeah thanks for the sound advice. to answer your question she never did apologise, but i'm certainly not looking for that right now, it makes no odds.

i'm going to check with gf and see how she feels about it.

no. no one has ever done this.

Man, I must be the only person who can totally - and I mean *totally* - switch off any and all feelings I had for pretty much everyone I've dated in the past. No nostalgia, no regrets, no hatred, no missing. No nothing. Most of them dont cross my mind, and none of them invoke any romantic or angry feelings in me (cept for nad-kicker the alco, but thats a long story). I dont know wether thats good or bad.

traycebot

Hahah. Well yeah maybe. But hey, I dont suffer.

(this is not to imply at all that my breakups were all clean and tidy - ohhhhh no no no, they have been some hells. But I can get over them properly is all. Why hold the bitterness? It eats no one but yourself).

This is usually a stupid idea unless it's some years-later friends thing, or if you were friends before and now you're friends again

trayce that sounds like DENIAL

Dud for the inevitable Phillip Rothesque point of the conversation where "Do you ever wonder what we'd be doing right now?" comes up. Yeah, you'd probably be flirting with the orderlies while I lay in my coma following my unsuccessful suicide attempt.

deej: nah, it really isnt :) I'm great friends with a couple of ex's, I never see the rest, life's for now, not fer dwellin.

Pleasant Plains has it there, especially for the girl I dated where I *did* have a lunch with her later and it ended horribly. I heard through the grapevine she recently self-committed to a mental ward, so uh, maybe not hyperbole!

DO NOT DO THIS

dud except if it's a lunch that includes drinks cuz the you never know.

There something slightly wistful about these that I enjoy and I hardly ever miss an ex as much as I miss the age I was when I was going out with them, if that makes sense. I have done this several times and it usually turns out to be fun, though I sometimes prefer if their and my SOs are invited, too.

NEVER for lunch. Pretty much always a bad idea.

I'm with Trayce. I'll do it on occasion, without regrets or much feeling either.

yeah once about six years after breaking up. we were both married to other people by that point. it was wistful bittersweet that kind of vibe, like I got "closure" and confused at the same time. hope she's still happy.

DO NOT DO THIS

-- gff, Monday, June 2, 2008 9:47 PM (15 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

srsly?

ppl saying that you shouldn't do this because it might bring up feelings etc. - well, if you've still got feelings for her, you need to deal with them. the issue will come up eventually anyway. seeing her will make things clearer one way or another. here are the potential situations i forsee:
she's still in love with you and you're over her - tell her 'sorry but i've moved on and i'm happy'
she's over you but you're in love with her still - deal with it. not fair on your current partner not to do so.
she acts like a psycho, things are awkward, there is a fight, but you have no residual feelings for her - chalk it up to an extremely bad day, and then forget about it.

but DO tell your current gf about this. it'll def make her feel more secure that you are ok doing that, rather than keeping it secret and her finding out later.

yeah it's an interesting situation because the possibilities extend in a numbDO NOT DO THIS DO NOT DO THIS

sounds like SOMEONE has had a v v bad experience in this area!

I don't think I'd ever even think to do this. It just sounds like an incredibly stupid and horrible idea with no imaginable upside.

I've done it and it was fine.

The thing to do is to think like a writer. And remind yourself that nothing's at stake.

no bad experiences here really! but the standard needs to be on the extreme negative. it's like murder -- pretty much a bad idea in any case, unless there are clear and obvious and well-understood reasons for doing so.

unless the two of you are both miraculously without any baggage or needs of the other or unresolved god knows what, just don't bother. and what are the chances of that being the case? what do you lose by skipping it vs. what could you lose by going?

It' nice just to find out what a person you were once extremely close to is up to etc. And interesting to find out how your taste in partners has changed in the intervening years (in my case - quite a lot).

"intervening YEARS" could probably be the salient detail here

anyone among my exes by such a period of time, I have no fucking clue where they even live

I didn't till recently. It's all Facebook's doing.

yeah facebook also seems like a dire and nasty idea with very little in the way of possible upsides

i found out through facebook that the guy i went out with for 3 1/2 years is getting married! thanks for the heads up, dude.

I should probably point out that I am only close friends with one ex (out of many), distant friends with one other ex (who kinda bores me now so I dont really make the effort even though he does on occasion), and I have completely lost touch with all the rest, by choice or otherwise - I had evening drinks with one ex once, and it was ok but all I thought was "man, you and I had nothing in common, you're boring".

A woman who was my girlfriend for 3-4 years has been a good and supportive friend ever since. The idea of not wanting to meet her for lunch would be bizarre. It is always nice to see her, and her amusingly precocious and fabulistic 4-year old daughter.

But some other people are different, and don't want to see me, and there is nothing I can do about that.

Even when these things are problematic or difficult, in general I think that it's good to face them, see people, have contact: stay in touch with their mere humanity and your own. Absence, distance, silence can be much more painful and debilitating than simply talking to another flawed and fragile human being.

I have never had a bad experience meeting an ex-boyfriend for lunch, but I have never had a really long-term, serious relationship. That said, I HAVE had a bad and awkward experience meeting an ex-boyfriend-turned-close-friend and his new girlfriend for lunch, because we kept up a kind of mean-flirty tone in our interactions even after breaking up and it felt really inappropriate to continue that in front of the new girlfriend. It's hard to interact with someone in a totally new way all of a sudden, so I just clammed up a lot more than normal. Apparently both of them thought this was my way of expressing my dislike of the new girlfriend, which the guy confronted me about later, and I had a hard time persuading him was not the case.

saying "sorry, i'm quite busy, but have a nice trip" and letting the opportunity pass if you don't want to, or just feel like you have to prove something, would be grown up as well. i think it's not what you do, it's how you handle it that shows maturity.

thanks, i did exactly this in the end

no. no one has ever done this.

-- and what, Monday, 2 June 2008 16:13

not even luna?