amazingly strange customer service interactions

PS I am a dude.

gun threat via phone. that was great.

my sister (who is called Mariam, incidentally) had a great encounter at a different branch of the same library (she still works there, in fact, whereas i've since moved on to a different library) wherein a man came in, asked where something-or-other in the library was, and the proceeded to drop his pants and race through an aisle or two leaving a trail of freshly-laid fecal matter behind him.

...i mean, there's other ways of commenting on customer service! XD

The next day, I kind of broach the idea that the picture may be 70 or 80 years old. He says "I know! She was 35 then!"

Then, he tells me, "Miriam, you're the only person who makes sense around here! You're the only person I understand!" (when I explain stuff). Dubious praise..

"NICK-A-LI-CIOUS! NICK-A-LI-CIOUS!"

and more importantly, did he head-butt you afterward?

i got a head butt from him at Reckless Records once. although it doesn't belong here, since i wasn't working there at the time this occurred. ;)

i'll never forget the day this super, super uptight coworker (at the old library, again) was emptying a book drop out and found someone had returned the classic film "Between the Cheeks Pt. 2." with no case of any sort; just a videotape on its own amongst all the other returns.

we should've shelved it to see what would've happened. i mean, it was an academic library. ;)

And oh my God teeny I'm never checking another book out from the library again! I mean, dang, EW!

Also, a few days ago at my other job (at a record store), I got a phone call from someone, asking if we could order her some clothes from a Dept. store catalog. I said, "no, we only order CDs here" and she said "oh" and proceeded to order an entire wardrobe from me. I just let her go, said thanks, and hung up.

"I need a slice of that kweesh. And can I also get an iced moe-chuh-law-dee?"

also, one time at the library, a guy ("guy1") gave another guy ("guy2") $10 to go get guy1 a hooker. guy2 returned with the hooker, but it wasn't up to snuff according to guy1 (prospective buyer of hooking services). I don't know what folks expect when they get $10 hookers. Anyhow, guy2 only gave $6 back to guy1, because guy1 owed him $4 from the day before... So guy1 calls the police on guy2. Hooker meanwhile stands by watching..

I never did find out if it was a wind-up (she did sound genuine), though in hindsight I imagine I was being made to sound foolish on some cheesy local radio station.

It's very important that at least one verse mentions that Nick behind the cash register "can really work his ass off."

If I hadn't told the guy selling newspaper subscriptions that I couldn't read about 6 months before, I'm not sure I would have thought of the not having legs thing. It's good to practice.

Here's one that actually is kinda customer service related: I was waiting tables at a Red Lobster in Nashville one summer between college semesters, and I made a wisecrack to one particularly good humored family about their child's ability to shred a few cheesebread biscuits and fish fingers and spread them in a four foot radius around the highchair. I said the kid must be the Christchild, since he'd take a small amount of fish and bread and made it stretch further than physically possible.

A family of Southern Baptists seated at the adjacent table (also mine) apparently overheard me, as they didn't leave a tip. Instead they left me a tract with a note written on it about "humore (sic) in the Name of the Lord."

But the funniest interaction I've had was when I was crouched over clearing off a shelf, with my back to a middle aged absent-minded-professor type guy who was taking a long time to decide what he wanted. Finally he leaned over the counter and said, "How much for those buns?" He was looking right at my ass when he said it. I turned around and said, very coolly, "What?" And he pointed to the pastry case, the picture of innocence, and said, "Those cinnamon buns, how much are they?" And I realized he didn't have a clue what I'd thought he meant and started giggling and he was confused and ... well, the end. It was funny at the time.

martin m! pure comedic genius!! :)

Yeah, but I wonder if there's a response in the rap for the people who say, "Hey! Are you saying I'm gay?"

I once worked for a pool installation company in Va Beach one summer home from college. I was only answering phones until they wanted me to be the assistant to the woman in charge of pool installations. And then she quit for 3 weeks and I was put in charge since I was the only one who knew what was going on. I became very angry at working 60 hours a week for close to min wage because I never had time to ask for more money.

Anyway, one day yet another customer was calling complaining about ripped liner/grass growing through liner/missing pool/blah blah and I was standing at reception on a weekend trying to leave to go home. This guy is completely yelling at the 16 year old receptionist because she put him on hold because she was trying to find someone he could talk to. He proceeds to scream BITCH at her and she bursts into tears and hands me the phone, and I'm all like "Do YOU REALIZE YOU JUST CALLED A 16 YEAR OLD GIRL A BITCH! I was so pissed and the guy was all apologetic afterwards.

1: I started to pick a sink up out of a cart, and the customer pushed me down and nearly knocked me onto the floor. "You are not going to pick up this sink." I began protesting (the sink only weighed about 20-30 pounds), but he pushed me away, saying "I don't even let my wife pick up things like that." I ended up having to crawl underneath the cart to scan the item.

2: A customer told me to lean over the counter toward him. "Let me get that for you," he said. Thinking that there was a spot of dust or a piece of paper on my hair, I obliged. He then grabbed one of the gray hairs on my head and yanked it out. "You're too young to be going gray," he said as all three of the customers in line behind him started to laugh. I was shaky and in tears for the rest of the day.

This was like a 2 hour ordeal, also.

While a busdriver in college I was at my peak of devilry. Passengers were scared of me because I would go off the handle if people asked me anywhere near a stupid question or tried to flag me down at a nonstop like I was a taxi or tried to sneak on the back of the bus or gave me any shit. And if someone was running for the bus and slowed down once they saw that I stopped for them, I would take off anyway BECAUSE THEY DID NOT RUN THE WHOLE WAY! Or if they took too long to get on the bus because they wanted to finish a conversation with a friend first I would just close the door and take off. Or if someone hit my bus as I pulled off trying to get me to stop I would stop to snarl at them for doing it and then close the door in their face and take off. I really liked to drive through campus while my bus was "not in service" while it was raining hard.

God I had issues, but I am much better now.

He was right. Five minutes later his wife entered the store in a towering rage. She was nearly my height (I'm 6'4") and Unpleasant. She began yelling about how the book had been purchased in that condition and how she'd never even taken it out of the bag. (Experience teaches that no one would have bought that book without demanding a discount--my favourite is when customers tried to wheedle a discount for a shopworn book by saying, "Well, it's a gift for someone..." as if they deserved a discount for being cheap to their friends.) She tore off to the cooking section with me in her substantial wake and started ripping books off the shelf, finding none of them in similarly poor condition, and tossing them on the floor. I positioned myself between her and the bookshelf, at which point she drew back and clearly considered physical violence. Thinking better of it (I have no idea what I would have done had she hit me), she headed for the door bellowing "No one shop here--they're fucking thieves here!"

He seemed very nice.

Me: pack of Camel lights please.
Cashier: (Walks to the back and brings me a pack of Malboro Lights 100)

We eye each other for a couple of seconds not saying a word.

Cashier: You didn't ask for these, did you?
Me: No, I asked for a pack of Camel Lights.
Cashier: OK, sorry. (comes back with a pack of Camel Lights 100)
Me: It's just not my day is it.
Cashier: hmmm?
Me: nuthin

Meanwhile, my friend's cell was ringing and so I offered my opinion:
"DON'T ANSWER THE MOTHERFUCKING PHONE. I can't BELIEVE that after yesterday, that fucker would call you on your day off. He can just KISS YOUR ASS." (her asshole employer was calling)

It turned out I wasn't on hold after all. The rep had a bit of a hard time giving me the number I needed through her laughter. I was a bit embarrassed, though amused.

Robert (long-time library patron who speaks almost unintelligibly, is about fifty, and tall and stinky): Did you get drunk yesterday or was it just me?
Me: Nah, I think it was just you.
Robert: Sometimes, I just gotta check. I was drunk all day.