Please be amusing

My boyfriend just forwarded me a snippet of his daily horoscope:

Venus is in opposition to Uranus

yes, he's easily amused.

please please. today is much worse than yesterday

Ed, we're just trying to deal with it, y'know. I understand if you're not ready to go down this avenue.

Okay, this is pretty bad so don't continue reading if you're not looking for pointless humor. . .

ready?

Allright, one of my boyfriend's bandmates related this story last weekend after their show. I think everyone had been talking about coffee. He was somewhere in Mass. walking down the street, drinking some dunkin' donuts joe when suddenly it hit him. . .the, uh, cleansing property of coffee was in full effect. He looked around quickly but was nowhere near an establishment w/a public restroom. There was only a church. Desparate, he tried to get into the church but couldn't find an open door. He had to resort to going around the side of the church and do his business in their alley.

As he's wiping, with his own sock no less (i said it was bad), church lets out. With the congreation coming up the alley behind him he quickly tried to pull up his pants but slipped (I'll let you guess in what) and had to run off with his pants half on and only one shoe.

I wonder if the church thought it was meant to be a desecration? Hmm.

sorry it was amusing when I heard it. I warned you. ..

i wish i had stories about dunkin donuts but there arent't any around here..cherry filled..yum

The other day I built a donut sprayer that can fly about town and spray donuts to the happy people below. Eveery one approved. Poeple seemed to enjoy bacon donuts

My mother flashed her bum in the shop once, not realizing there was a client present. Thank god, the latter was half blind.

So it was only a half-arsed flash then?

As he slapped her bum, she figured he was enjoying it. So she did it some more. She didn't realize he was trying to stop her. There's more stories but I'll keep those for some other time.

Nathalie OWNS this thread.

Hey Nath, I gotta go but I'll call you sometime soon. ;-)

Anthony, this is what I imagine you looking like.

He does look like that . But with less sageness.

My friend got back from Chicago on Monday so a few of us decided to go for a few drinks on Tuesday night. Eventually we ended up in the Kitchen, which is a big club in Dublin and we were there for a while drinking away, dancing like fools, drinking some more. So we left there about 3 o clock, and we were pretty hammered. But we didnt want to go in so 3 of us went to my friends house for a while. We kept drinking there and at this stage we were bigtime hammered. I could hardly talk, it was quite scary, I'm still not even sure my drink wasn't messed with. So about 7.30 the two of us remaining went to bed, I was on the couch, and I planned to call in sick to work the next day. However I was awakened the next morning by birds singing, and I felt really cold. When I actually opened my eyes I was on the doorstep of my own house, and I was dressed hastily let's say. My friends house is 20 minutes walk away, I hope noone saw me, I still can't believe it, I'm almost, *almost* ashamed to share this story, but the thought of me staggering through the night with no shoes and my shirt half done is too odd not to share. So I called in sick, and it was all good.

sorry that was a plea for some humour, today I need lifting out of the pit.

Sorry, nothing bawdy, but there was one lovely man in the airport, mad as a hatter, but doing his best to tell us jokes to lighten the mood. I can't tell you his best joke about airplanes, which totally got us, because it involves physical movements and stuff, but I can tell you his other really funny one...

So his wife thinks he's mad, so she sends him to the psychiatrist. The psychiatrist asks him what's wrong. So he says, "Well, sometimes I feel like a teepee, and then again, sometimes I feel like a wigwam!"

So the psychiatrist thinks for a few minutes, then nods his head and makes his diagnosis. "I know what's wrong with you... you're two tents!!!"

OK, it's not really funny, but it felt so good to laugh when we were at the airport.

marc antione, a french canadian i was staying with provided much needed comic relief on tuesday and wednesday. coming up with such lines as (in a thick french accent) 'I have just seen my wife, she was walking down the street, I must go and introduce myself'

'oh no I have left my beauty products, what will I do'

maybe you ahd to be there

I had to read Kate's joke over about four times before I got it. "Two tents? Is that supposed to mean two cents? But that doesn't make sense...."

Today in voice we marched around the choir room going "ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha." That doesn't have a punchline or anything, but get a mental picture.

(this fly keeps trying to land on me!)

Okay here's a dumb joke. . .

Q: How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? A: Pick him up and suck his dick.

ewww. . .that was bad.

samantha - that's the best bestiality joke i've heard all day!

Another psychotic genius poodle is living with my mother.

Willie is a year old and needs to go to the dog groomer every six weeks because he's got the fastest-growing fur in the known dog world. He HATES it. But he's allowed to run around the salon because he has gorgeous fur and is basically an advert for them (no, no poodle topiary happening there). Yesterday, he didn't, he just slunked into one of the kennel cages and pulled the hatch shut.

When my sister picked him up later, he sat in the back seat, just glowering. She made a detour to the drive-thru car wash. While they were going through, Willie pressed the automatic window buttons (first on one side, then the other, ie. on purpose), drenching my sister.

haHA! I never had the nerve to do that to my mom! Always wanted to though.

geoff, how many beastiality jokes do you hear each day?

Too many clearly

not nearly enough, now i live in sydney.

And what type of animal is Sydney??