Get Up Stand Up

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So in two days I will be making my stand-up comedy debut. It's at an amateur night fundraiser for the local YWCA and Big Sisters.
I'm very very very nervous, but have no expectations of doing, y'know, WELL. Because it's my first time. I'm not even telling anyone that I'm doing it, to save them from being embarrassed to know me. And also to ease some of my nervousness by knowing that at least nobody I know will see me bomb.
Anyway...I just got this in am email from the event's organizer:
"We have done a good job advertising this event, and hope the community response will be strong. What we are asking from each comedian is if you can try to bring as many people as you can, in case the community response is not as strong as we think it will be."

Should this (which hints that nobody might show up) make me happy or sad?

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 14:20 (twenty-two years ago)

Wow, that's really cool, good luck & all stuff!!! I dont think it should make you sad, as I think they are just trying to drum up business, as such, so that it will be more of a success. I'm sure you'll do a great job!

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 14:27 (twenty-two years ago)

Best of luck! I tried something like this (ie stand up) at a talent show on campus in tenth grade. Not easy at all.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 14:28 (twenty-two years ago)

i wanted to be a stand-up when i was at primary school. aged 10 i 'performed' in front of my class and died on my arse. the teachers faked laughs to make me feel good. it stopped me wanting to be a comedian.

um, i'm sure your experience will be much better! good luck, break a leg etc.

― pete b. (pete b.), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 14:39 (twenty-two years ago)

Start out with, "Good evening ladies and germs". It's gold.

― lawrence kansas (lawrence kansas), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 14:42 (twenty-two years ago)

They're giving each comic (or rather would-be comic) 7 to 10 minutes. Which is a long long time to stand in front of people with only your mouth to save you.
I think I've only got about 3 to 5 minutes of material. But maybe they'll laugh so hard it'll chew up that extra time.

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 14:46 (twenty-two years ago)

Make a joke out of waiting for them to laugh!! (that's why i'm not a stand up!)

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 14:51 (twenty-two years ago)

Keep your cool, don't browbeat them, you'll do fine

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 14:59 (twenty-two years ago)

Have you seen the Seinfeld doc called "Comedian?" If not, don't. Or maybe you should watch it so you can see that at least you're not as crazy as that dude in the movie (the young new guy).

― Sarah McLUsky (coco), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 15:12 (twenty-two years ago)

If no one laughs, act like your jokes are bad on purpose and that it's "conceptual." < /Neil Hamburger>

― NA. (Nick A.), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 15:13 (twenty-two years ago)

Yeah, I saw Comedian.
One of the reason's I've decided to get into stand-up is because I was catching myself being very similar to that guy in my life as an aspiring writer. So, I figured I would just get involved in as many different lines of work that pay little-to-nothing for the bottom 98% as possible. Next up, professional bullriding.

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 15:16 (twenty-two years ago)

See, that's 30 seconds right there.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 15:23 (twenty-two years ago)

If you talk really slowly, you can stretch your material out longer.

― NA. (Nick A.), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 15:24 (twenty-two years ago)

I was planning on doing lots of "So, does anyone here...?" those seem like good timekillers.
SDAH wear a toupé?
SDAH live in an apartment building?
You know how you can always hear the people upstairs having sex? Do you ever think that that also means that the people downstairs can hear you NOT having sex?
SDAH have a owe money to the bank?

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 15:28 (twenty-two years ago)

Don't forget to bring some funny props.

― NA. (Nick A.), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 15:30 (twenty-two years ago)

Just act really weird. That's always funny.
Or break out into song.

― Sarah McLUsky (coco), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 15:33 (twenty-two years ago)

have the same punchline for every joke and have the audience yell the punchline at the appropriate time. this was my idea for a standup routine -- eventually my punch line would be a national sensation and paula zahn would get it tattooed on her tits and i would have a jumbotron behind me when i did my standup in the rosebowl and everytime the punchline would come on paula would flash her boobies and it's winwin cuz i'd be getting mega cash money.

― Yanc3y (ystrickler), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 15:33 (twenty-two years ago)

sorta like the 3 of Clubs of Penn & Teller?

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 15:35 (twenty-two years ago)

i dunno, is it?

the hard part is coming up with a good punchline cuz the key would be to have these elaborate jokes leading up to it since everyone would already know what you were gonna say. but i could never come up with anything. closest i came: "and from that day on they used chairs for money."

― Yanc3y (ystrickler), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 15:43 (twenty-two years ago)

'And then they all lez up' is a pretty versatile one...

― Archel (Archel), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 15:50 (twenty-two years ago)

you need the PVP punchline, where at the end of every joke you're attacked by a Panda.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 15:53 (twenty-two years ago)

bump, just so that when I report back on Friday, I won't have to go digging.

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Wednesday, 11 June 2003 20:09 (twenty-two years ago)

Alwayd be prepared for the lesbian heckler.

― N. (nickdastoor), Wednesday, 11 June 2003 20:37 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh yeah. Lesbians can be cruel.
I'll wear an LPGA t-shirt as protection.

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Thursday, 12 June 2003 13:59 (twenty-two years ago)

But when you say, "And they all LEZ up!" I'm sure they'll be thrilled. I mean, lezing up is sexy for lesbians too, right? And they'll think you're very open-minded and such.

― Sarah MCLUsky (coco), Thursday, 12 June 2003 14:03 (twenty-two years ago)

Well, I've never seen a lesbian in a Hustler Magazine that I didn't like. If they're anything to go by, lesbians are probably some of my favourite people.

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Thursday, 12 June 2003 14:13 (twenty-two years ago)

Well, I didn't even make the top four. Which was as far as they announced the results.
Whatever, this is all sour grapes, but I think I was better than that. My material was really great, but, uh, my delivery maybe not so much. Plus, I only did about 5 minutes tops. Whereas most of the others had to be booted off for running over the 10 minute limit.
Plus I went first. Which sorta doesn't help your chances.
I've been trying to figure out why I didn't place better for the last 9 hours, and not placing disappointed me a lot more than I thought it would.
Cuz the prizes were really awful. 3 and 4 were just video store gift certificates (and I don't have anything to watch video on), 2nd was a guest appearance on one of the local shitty radio stations' morning show and first was a "walk on" at the local comedy club and a meeting with an agent.
But I thought that the people who definitely DID place ahead of me had pretty weak material, pretty clichéd, but I guess they were comfortable on stage. And maybe that counted for more than strong material like my bit about how living in an apt. is crazy and how the people downstairs can hear you NOT having sex:
"But hey, you know what's crazier than living in an apt.?
Being homeless. Yeah, that's fucked up. Cuz then every can SEE you not having sex."
I actually came up with that like ten minutes beforehand.
But, at the end of the day, I DO get paid for my writing, which is often just comedy dressed up as a record review or whatever.
Plus, when I was doing it, it felt really good. I'm definitely going to do it again.

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Friday, 13 June 2003 13:59 (twenty-two years ago)

Aww man, sorry you're disappointed about this, if you think your material was better then it probably was! Keep at it!

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Friday, 13 June 2003 14:21 (twenty-two years ago)

90% of the material I ever hear from stand ups is weak. To me anyway. Obviously it's a matter of taste and some people like jokes about shopping trolleys with dodgy wheels, but generally yeah - we could all do better than that.

Confidence and delivery is unfortunately where's it's at. Keep at it, yeah, cause I'm sure these things can only get better.

― N. (nickdastoor), Friday, 13 June 2003 15:50 (twenty-two years ago)

People think stupid shit is funny.
I liked your jokes, Horace. Maybe you would make a good comedy writer?

― Sarah Mclusky (coco), Friday, 13 June 2003 15:55 (twenty-two years ago)

Yeah, well, I'm definitely going to keep at it. And probably I'll have to leave my little burg to hit any, uh, REAL Amateur nights or whatever.
And yeah, the writing is obviously where my strengths are, but it was a great feeling to be up there.
I write and I do a weekly radio show, and I use a lot of comedy in both, so it's not like I don't have public forums to express myself or whatever (hey I could easily run out of things to say) but I really got a rush doing stand up.
Cuz there are safety nets in my radio and print work. I'm protected from the audience.
But, yeah, it was my first time, and so, yeah, I wasn't immediately great. Oh no! Well, I guess that's it for my comedy career. Because, y'know, if I can't be the best at something the first time I do it, with only half-assed preparation, then I really don't want to be a part of it. Because, I mean, it was obviously all political. Right?

But now that I know for sure that this is something I want to work at, I have to figure out what to do next.

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Friday, 13 June 2003 16:08 (twenty-two years ago)

Horace, I hope you didn't think I meant you should quit! I just thought you might enjoy writing, but you already do, so anyway... Yes, definitely keep up the stand up.

― Sarah MCLUsky (coco), Friday, 13 June 2003 18:05 (twenty-two years ago)

So, in case anyone was wondering, I finally learned my placing in this thing today, a full 8 days later.
They tell me I came in fifth, which is convenient, and the cynic in me suspects that they're telling everyone they came in fifth, since it can be uncomfortable to tell someone you don't know that they were awful.

But the egomaniacal part of me believes that I came in fifth, and that I did it wholly on the strength of my material. Because I was really really nervous and just sort of stood there and was probably (I couldn't see myself) visibly uncomfortable on stage.
So I beat the prop comic and the guy that I heckled. So that's a good thing. Maybe if I had heckled everyone I would've come in first.

Not that I was in it to win. I was in it for the experience. And maybe a little ego gratification.

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Friday, 20 June 2003 14:53 (twenty-two years ago)

And the chicks?

― N. (nickdastoor), Friday, 20 June 2003 14:59 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh yeah, stand-up groupies. Yowza. I felt just like David Lee Roth on the Running With the Devil Tour.

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Friday, 20 June 2003 15:07 (twenty-two years ago)

Hey good job, Horace. Think of it this way... you can only get better with practice. Keep at it. You say some funny ass shit on this here ILX.

― Aaron W (Aaron W), Friday, 20 June 2003 15:15 (twenty-two years ago)

one month passes...

So I did it again last night. At an open mic thing downtown that was really more of a music jam thing, but I was there covering some dude and the dude who came in second at the first thing was there and goaded me into getting up, so I did and I killed. Hipper/drunker crowd helped.
So the dude who came in second (who has since acquired an agent!) asked me if I wanted to go on tour with him in Aug. Just like little weekend jaunts to the dives of rural Saskatchewan.
So I'm thinking, why the eff not?

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Monday, 28 July 2003 16:35 (twenty-two years ago)

rox0r Horace! knock 'em dead!

― teeny (teeny), Monday, 28 July 2003 16:50 (twenty-two years ago)

This is great news.

― N. (nickdastoor), Monday, 28 July 2003 16:55 (twenty-two years ago)

Do it! Sometimes I read ILE out loud to my roommate and we've noticed that every time she cracks up Horace Mann is to blame. I think you've definitely got the funny, just work on the delivery/approach/presence/confidence etc.

― Aaron A., Monday, 28 July 2003 17:04 (twenty-two years ago)

This 'reading ILE aloud to people' is creepy and wrong.

― N. (nickdastoor), Monday, 28 July 2003 17:14 (twenty-two years ago)

OK it was just the McGriddles thread.

― Aaron A., Monday, 28 July 2003 17:16 (twenty-two years ago)

I didn't post to the McGriddles thread, you placating liar!

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Monday, 28 July 2003 17:19 (twenty-two years ago)

Then it was something else. I would generally agree with N. up there, but there are some very general-interest type threads that make for entertaining reading when you're high and bored!

― Aaron A., Monday, 28 July 2003 17:23 (twenty-two years ago)

Do you put on different voices for all the different posters? That'd rule.

And well done Mr.Mann!

― The Jel -- (jel), Monday, 28 July 2003 18:58 (twenty-two years ago)

I am not sure about this 'The Jel' thing.

― N. (nickdastoor), Monday, 28 July 2003 19:10 (twenty-two years ago)

It's just an experiment, perhaps, the old way was better.

― The Jel -- (jel), Monday, 28 July 2003 19:14 (twenty-two years ago)

yes, more me.

― jel-- (jel), Monday, 28 July 2003 19:16 (twenty-two years ago)

it feels so much more informal without THE

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Monday, 28 July 2003 19:17 (twenty-two years ago)

yes, people might think I have a fonz-complex.

― jel -- (jel), Monday, 28 July 2003 19:20 (twenty-two years ago)

better that you do The Urkel (which is a dance, whereas article-free Urkel is a fellow)

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Monday, 28 July 2003 19:22 (twenty-two years ago)

(becuase Urkel is the Anti-Fonz)

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Monday, 28 July 2003 19:22 (twenty-two years ago)

three weeks pass...

Okay, so I just got a reminder that I have a gig tonight. At the same place I did my last spot.
The trouble is, I haven't written any new material since then, and the routine that I've done twice is starting to feel a little, well, dated.
So who wants to write some new gags for me?
Alright ILXors, have at it!

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Wednesday, 20 August 2003 17:33 (twenty-two years ago)

Okay you dirty birds, thanks for nothing.
So I did my thing last night, with 80% new material, which I wrote yesterday. There was hardly anybody there, so it's hard to guage how well things went over.

My new stuff was a little rough, as I expected, but whenever something would sort of bomb, I'd just let out a string of curse words. That was popular. Note to self: People like curse words.

I thought I would close safe, at least, and did my whole apartment living thing, about how you can hear the ppl upstairs having sex and the people downstairs can hear you NOT having sex. And when I got to the kicker, the line that's always been good to me, the audience groaned.
So I told them they were a dirty bunch of cocksucking momfuckers for groaning at classy material like that, and they cheered. And then I thanked them for their time and got off the stage.

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Thursday, 21 August 2003 13:51 (twenty-two years ago)

Comdey Hack FAQ - what to avoid doing:

http://www.stormpages.com/hackfaq/hackfaq.html

― fletrejet, Thursday, 21 August 2003 14:37 (twenty-two years ago)

well, I'm officially not a hack.
I was going to say, that list is just an elaborate way of saying "Don't Suck" but thinking of the several open mics I've been on so far, I think a lot of people do need it spelled out for them like that.

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Thursday, 21 August 2003 15:53 (twenty-two years ago)

sorry horace, the thread title always makes me think this is some sort of hippie thread that's not worth my time. Congrats on keeping at it!

― teeny (teeny), Thursday, 21 August 2003 16:08 (twenty-two years ago)

Revive your Log Bomb shtick.

― Leee (Leee), Thursday, 21 August 2003 20:07 (twenty-two years ago)

oh my god, all the great Bob Log img's are gone!
there's just this:
http://www.fatpossum.com/images/artists/log.jpg

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Friday, 22 August 2003 13:59 (twenty-two years ago)

Hey Horace, why do you appear in "The Adventures of Kavalier and Clay" by Michael Chabon?

"An amateur magician himself, he had first seen Joe performing at the St. Regis for his classmate at Horace Mann".

Which other books do ILXors pop up in?

― Mark C (Mark C), Friday, 22 August 2003 14:47 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm also in Jack Kerouac's Vanity of Duluoz.
That's where I sorta remembered the name from when I was trying to think up an obviously-fake-sounding log-in name.

And it's been a great name, it really has, it's afforded me so many great gags, like the following:
http://www.myhoracemann.com/welcome.jpg
or
http://www.horacemann.com/html/news/logo_owl_sm.gif

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Friday, 22 August 2003 15:07 (twenty-two years ago)

hstencil to thread

― Leee (Leee), Friday, 22 August 2003 19:34 (twenty-two years ago)

one year passes...

so i think i wanna be comic... with no real rhyme or reason driving the urge other than a vague feeling that i might be funny (in the right setting/weather pattern/time zone/economic climate/slow-news-day/drugged up haze/hypnogogic trance/hearing impaired scenario). any new experience at this since this thread, anyone? how do you all who have tried it go about writing a joke? my neighbors must think i am crazy with all the pacing around my backyard working out material aloud i've been doing for the last month or so. i have a few things worked out... how long is a typical amateur night set? is there a typical?

― firstworldman (firstworldman), Sunday, 16 January 2005 11:04 (twenty years ago)

Do you know the difference between the way black people and white people drive?

― Nellie (nellskies), Sunday, 16 January 2005 12:25 (twenty years ago)

all of my jokes are about pangea and we all wear benneton and commingle bedroom-wise with eachother in the hope of creating future styles of music at the apex marketability. so apart from the color blindness getting in the way of a few signs now and again, it won't matter if coloreds drive too differently from honkies.

― firstworldman (firstworldman), Sunday, 16 January 2005 12:42 (twenty years ago)

n.b. that's not the kind of lame retort i would ever make on a stage.

― firstworldman (firstworldman), Sunday, 16 January 2005 12:43 (twenty years ago)

Don't do it unless you think you're born to do it.

― Nellie (nellskies), Sunday, 16 January 2005 13:01 (twenty years ago)

I was a cocktail waitress at the Seattle Improv...I saw everyone, from the very strange to the very famous.
You, sir, should follow your dream, I would have embraced you immediately after your show. In my memory.
The best comedy, and comedians, were those who knew what to do with a big stage and a variagating audience. The Improv, as you probably know, tours people. So everyone eventually ends up at an Improv. But sometimes the second person really made the night.
You know the hierarchy - the thing is, I think, to make the staff laugh. If your material makes comedy club employees laugh , then you are very funny.
I have the honor, from my Improv days, to have been the waitress to Drew Carey, Jon Stewart, Ellen Degeneres, Judy Tenuta....all of whom made me laugh.
The staff is the best audience.
You are funny here, and I expect you are very funny in Canada. Just Do It. At worst, you will be a third tier in a club. And that will be your fuel.
Make eye contact, and remember the size of the room.
I can't wait to laugh at you. xo

― aimurchie, Sunday, 16 January 2005 15:25 (twenty years ago)

This thread reminds me that my career did not take off in the way that I thought it would. I think for that to happen, I need to move to a city with, um, comedy clubs.

FWM, Typical amateur spot is between 5-10 minutes, but be warned, that if you're like me, the material you've worked out to be 10 minutes in the comfort of home rehearsing might get burned through in about 5 because of nerves.
Still, it's way better to get through all your material and leave the stage early than to get lost up there and make the audience resent you.
BUt don't let any of this scare you, because the most important step is the first one. If you don't get up on stage, you can't start to get better. There's no shame in sucking at first. Aside from the shame of sucking, that is. Getting comfortable on the stage is probably the most important part of the process, and you can only do that be being up there. Because if you're nervous, or feel like you don't belong there, your jokes won't stand a chance.
As for writing jokes...do what feels natural.
I've been writing jokes for the stage (like I was Wm. Shakespeare or something!) for nearly two years. And while I haven't been doing it at anything resembling an intense pace, I'm only now starting to feel like I'm really finding my own comedy voice. Results will vary for that, I'm sure, depending on how often you work at it and stuff.

But get on stage as soon you feel you're ready, the first time is the scariest, so get it out of the way ASAP. I'd come and root for you if I could.

― Huk-L, Sunday, 16 January 2005 15:40 (twenty years ago)

Well... Aimurchie... I can't tell if you're addressing me (as I am thrown off by the Canada thing and couldn't figure out who on this thread that wants to do stand-up is Canadian), but even if you're not addressing me, thanks for the encouraging words.

As for the stage, Huk-L, I have been performing music live for quite a while and hope that this will make the stage slightly less horrifying... Though, I am well aware of how different the two can be.

― firstworldman (firstworldman), Sunday, 16 January 2005 21:14 (twenty years ago)

Try not to do variations on jokes you've heard before.
Realise what your joke is actually SAYING.
obnoxious is good.
Don't worry about offending people.
Don't worry about comedy club staff either, I know some staff with atrocious sense of humour.
Don't talk down to the audience.
Don't tell the audience you know what they're thinking.
Do try make the other comedians laugh (But if they aren't laughing it doesn't mean they don't think you're funny it's just they spend so much time analysing humour that their natural responses are off and they can be internalising)
Do talk to the other comedians because they'll be watching with a more critical eye than the audience
Don't try material out on your friends without telling them it's material because it's irritating if someone has 'prepared material'
Try and control your body language because it can be irritating and distracting if you're tapping your foot or something.
Good comedy is a dialogue between an audience and a comedian, the audience needs space to laugh and if you work with a rhythym it will get a better response.
Wear comfortable clothing that's not too dressed up, but neat and well presented. It's better not to feel scattered.
Don't over rehearse, but do know your material. Don't bring it up on stage with you otherwise you'll resort to it at the first hurdle, bring some friends with you and have them nearby, leave your material with them so it can be passed up on stage FAST in case of a total freeze.
Go through your material with a tick-tock thing that is used to keep the beat in music (sorry I can't think of the word I keep on wanting to say thermometer, but that ain't right)
that's all I can thin of right now.

― Nellie (nellskies), Monday, 17 January 2005 06:16 (twenty years ago)

METRONOME

― Nellie (nellskies), Monday, 17 January 2005 12:42 (twenty years ago)

Don't over rehearse, but do know your material. Don't bring it up on stage with you otherwise you'll resort to it at the first hurdle,

Guilty as charged! The one time I did this, as soon as I looked, and I didn't really need to, the rest of my set just fled my brain and then I needed the stuff, but I had lost the audience. I didn't totally lose them, but I'd HAD them before (like in a biblical sense).

― Huk-L, Monday, 17 January 2005 15:15 (twenty years ago)

Just read this thread outloud to your audience.

― Leeeter van den Hoogenband (Leee), Tuesday, 18 January 2005 04:37 (twenty years ago)

If you're dying, don't keep on going after the allotted time trying to get a last laugh to save the day, sometimes you just have to wear it.
Try and have links between your material, the smoother the better, it keeps the audience a little off kilter.. how did I get here from there? Etc.

― Nellie (nellskies), Tuesday, 18 January 2005 10:38 (twenty years ago)

CBC Radio is having a comedy contest called Stand & Deliver.

― Huk-L, Tuesday, 18 January 2005 14:50 (twenty years ago)

two years pass...

How about that Facebook, guys?

― Dom Passantino, Wednesday, 9 January 2008 11:54 (seventeen years ago)

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