Open letters to my relatives about clothes they've bought for me that are ill-fitting/unattractive

Dear Dad,

I know we've grown closer since then, but your buying me that nylon green-striped jogging suit for Christmas when I was 17 was and continues to be a symbol of the distance between us. I mean, being an absent father is bad enough, but a nylon jogging suit was damn near unforgivable. When do I jog? Have you ever known me to jog? You may as well have bought me a gun rack.

mom, i love you but i am not trying to hurt you when i give away 10-year old clothes that i will never wear again to goodwill. stop crying.

Dear Mom,

I hated that Laura Ashley dress when I was 13, a hate that still burns strong after 10 years. I am not a pretty pretty princess, and I did not appreciate the blue floral pattern, lace front, or shoulder pads that made up key design components. I remain proud that I had the integrity never to wear it despite your repeated attempts to bribe me to put it on for family events.

I love you but I am so fucking glad you cannot buy my clothes anymore,

Laura

Dear Mom,

You don't know this yet, but I am giving those two horrifically preppy leather jackets - that have moved with me countless times since I came to the city - to Goodwill. I haven't worn them in over a decade, as both my personal tastes and the whims of fashion have changed since 1992. I know I was to save them for my younger brother "to grow into", but seeing as said brother is now twenty-three years of age, physically taller & broader than me, and a died-in-the-wool skate punk to boot, I don't think he'll want to wear then any time soon.

Love,

Tantrum

Dear family,

Thank you for always giving me the receipt so I can change clothes if I don't like them.

All my love,

Nick

Going against the flow:

Dear Mum,

Thanks for buying me all those nice clothes.

Andrew

thanks for paying for the clothes I chose.

and continuing to.

RJG xxxxxxxx

for the clothes I choose, now, I mean.

I haven't run up a great clothes debt, for my family, that they are still paying off.

Dad,

The dress sirts are awesome, but essentially wasted on a young man who actually weras a size 16-41.

Excelsior,

Barima

Dear Brother,
I really appreciate the toboggan/scarf combo you bought me from the Gap last Christmas, really I do. But you've lived, as I have, your entire life in Texas. When has it ever been cold enough to require a thick wool cap or scarf?

Dear Mom,
The blue plaidish shirt skater shirt you got at the mall is horrid. I'm not 14, and when I was 14 I didn't wear bright blue plaidish shirts. I appreciate the sentiment, but if you insist on buying me clothes please remember the cardinal rules - mostly solid colors, no bright anythings. I'm not the fashion dude from Queer Eye, even if you've never met one of my girlfriends.

Dear Dad,
I've never worn the "Smarty Jones" or "Orange County Choppers" baseball caps you gave me, no matter how much I profess to love them. Please just buy me a lifetime supply of Red Sox 'Franchise' caps from Lids, size XL. Maybe an Orioles or Giants cap for variety. Thx.

Dear Nana,

I am a large girl with a ruddy complexion. What on earth compels you to send me all these thick red sweatshirts? They make me look like a stop sign. I'm afraid to wear them to school, because if one of these crazy bastards finally snaps and takes a sniper rifle to the roof, I'm going to be the most obvious target.

Please send black cotton or pref. cash. xoxo

Dear mum,

The t-shirts you bring me from film festivals are a nice thought, and not uncool and usually pretty tasteful. But you know that, at best, I'm only going to wear them around the house or to the gym, so why not use your better-than-most-mothers' eye for something a bit different and nice?

Also, thank you so much for having bought 80% of the underpants I still wear now.

Ta,
Mark

Dear Dad,

Yes its true I am 50% Italian, and I do have a hairy chest. But for the love of God, I do not wear silk Tommy Bahama shirts and white harachi sandals like you. I am not Tony Soprano. Thanks.

P.S. the white Fila velvet jumpsuit that you got me two years ago still sits in the box collecting dust in the closet.

Cousin I felt it somewhat innappropriate to receive silk boxers as a gift from,

I felt somewhat innappropriate about receiving those silk boxers as a gift.

Sincerely,

Nick

Dear V. Bingo's Dad,

I do not have a hairy chest and I am not Italian at all, but please feel free to send me the Tommy Bahama shirts, especially ones with wild-ass patterns. I need some new shirts for my occasional TV appearances, and those would be fabulous.

You want some huarache's (apparently thats the proper spelling) as well. White. Size 10 1/2

huarache my eye!

dear v. bingo,

please send dusty box of white fila jumpsuit to JaXoN. he would totally wear it ironically and make his wife hate him.

like seriously, he'll even pay for shipping.

This is the thread where we offer V. Bingo fantastic things for his old wardrobe.

Dear Nana P.,

Now that we're no longer in-laws, I finally feel safe in asking: what was with the two pair of shorty-shorty short-shorts? I was then, and remain, a heterosexual adult male.

Thanks anyway,
Brian

Dear Uncle Glyn,
I'm sorry that I never wore any of the hugely oversized South Africa T-shirts you sent me sporadically between the ages of 6 and 12. I don't know what happened to them. Now, they would probably fit me and I would think they were cool.
Love,
Cathy x

Dear Uncle Roy

Thankyou for the Miami Dolphins T-shirt. I quite like dolphins, but know not of this "Miami", the green really isn't my colour, either.

Love Matt

Dear Mom:

Thanks for that t shirt you bought me when I was 18 with a HUGE GOLD LAME UNICORN ON THE FRONT, but um, yeah, I gave it away.

Love, Me.

PS: I don't wear things with puffy paint and sequins, either. xxxx

Dear Aunt Valerie

Please never again give me a hand painted t-shirt or I may pass out from embarassment.

Regards

Dearest mater,

There seems to have been some confusion about my request, in our recent phonecall, that you send up my favourite woolen sweater "no need to wash it, I'll do it here it's cool". You seem to have interpreted this as "please machine wash this gorgeous wonderful garment so that it shrinks loads and is now too small and looks silly". I would query this reading.

But, y'know, love and all,
Greg

o man. most otm thread evah etc etc.