Taking Sides: Mild Slow Pain For A Long Time vs. Intense Pain All At Once

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I am about three days into a breakup. We both know in different ways (my so in their gut, me in my head) that this needs to happen because of the different places we're at in our life. But we both love one another still, and keep going between half-breaking-up-and-gently-letting-go to staying together to cutting it off.

Last night we were talking it through again, and I think really broke up this time. But in the course of it I asked them the question in the title of the thread.

If you've lived with somebody close for a long time, how do you learn to live without them? If you've lived caring about them how do you learn to live just for yourself, at least for a while?

Would it be better if we let go slower? Or would it just make the pain worse?

― anonregular, Wednesday, 18 June 2003 15:20 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm in the "do a cannonball into the freezing cold pool" group myself, as opposed to the "gradually inch yourself in toe by toe" school of thought.

If you really want it to end, I think it's best to seperate completely. The mild, slow process seems more likely to lead to eventually getting back together.

― NA. (Nick A.), Wednesday, 18 June 2003 15:24 (twenty-two years ago)

I think that it only hurts more when things are prelonged. Having said that, although it may be more painful, it may be easier to deal with. I cannot imagine what you must be going through, the mere thought of it scares me. I would want to go slower, but I fear that my heart couldn't take it. Best of luck.

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Wednesday, 18 June 2003 15:26 (twenty-two years ago)

I have often thought about this, mainly because it is something i never want to go through, i depend on my g/f loads not because i cant function without her but because not being with her just seems so wrong.

if it is something you both know is inevitable and is the right thing to do then short and sharp is the best as you are basically just kidding yourselves.

As for how you function afterwards....friends thats all i can suggest, friends can be pretty cool. Friends and mums and occupying your time.

hope all works out for the pair of you whoever and wherever you be.

― james (james), Wednesday, 18 June 2003 15:29 (twenty-two years ago)

fuck this anon regular bullshit.

maybe i'll get more responses if i just out myself (or maybe i won't and i'll feel even worse)

anyway ppl. who might want to pls. reply to me here or email me offboard (& its too bad that i don't do more of the personal relating here coz i know i hardly have a right to expect anything, given how distanced i am on the boards)

― Sterling Clover (s_clover), Wednesday, 18 June 2003 17:25 (twenty-two years ago)

and its not like the "and i think" phrase wouldn't be a dead giveaway to ppl. who are good at recognizing writing styles anyway.

― Sterling Clover (s_clover), Wednesday, 18 June 2003 17:26 (twenty-two years ago)

Sterl, personally I think short and sharp is the best course. It sucks and it's initially horrible but ultimately for the best. It gets problematic when you're leaving on good terms, as you appear to be, because you want to remain friends with the person. And you should! But isn't "mild slow pain" sort of a euphemism for break-up sex? And that just introduces more confusion into what sounds like a fairly definitive conclusion. I mean, "mild slow pain for a long time" is only just forestalling "intense pain" isn't it? That final break is going to have to come at some point. At the very least I would think an initial couple weeks apart would allow yourselves to clear your heads a bit, and then maybe you could work on maintaining a healthy friendship.

― Mr. Diamond (diamond), Wednesday, 18 June 2003 18:13 (twenty-two years ago)

I wrote a long reply earlier and deleted it, but I'll just sum up by saying short is the way to go. By dragging it out you just fuck with both of your emotions, and even if immediately it feels less awkward/painful, in the long run it'll be much worse.

The other option is to start acting distant and weird in the hopes that she'll get fed up and dump you, thus YOU don't have to be the bad guy. Don't do this, even though almost every dude I know tries it. (I did once)

― Yanc3y (ystrickler), Wednesday, 18 June 2003 18:20 (twenty-two years ago)

Firstly, my sympathy. Secondly, if you really know it has to end and will end, you are going to have the pain of it eventually anyway. It may not hurt less if you drag this stage out, but you're certainly hurting while you find out. It's best if it can happen as gently as possible, but that isn't necessarily incompatible with getting it done. Whatever, good luck...

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Wednesday, 18 June 2003 18:31 (twenty-two years ago)

You can synthesize it into a thesis like I did...

Sorry dude.

― jm (jtm), Wednesday, 18 June 2003 18:48 (twenty-two years ago)

Sorry to hear, Sterling. I think I'd reiterate the advice above. And also, remember that the pain you feel now will eventually dissipate. It always seems like it won't go away, but it will. Just give yourself some time.

― hstencil, Wednesday, 18 June 2003 19:22 (twenty-two years ago)

Sterling I hope your pain passes soon, but everybody's right: all at once is the way to go. Your goal here is (partly) to minimize the total amount of pain you have to endure, and the mild-slow way ends up being a much bigger sum total of pain. The intense one, yeah, it's harder than almost anything, but you'll find yourself feeling freer sooner.

So sorry that you're going through this.

― J0hn Darn1elle (J0hn Darn1elle), Wednesday, 18 June 2003 20:16 (twenty-two years ago)

Both of you should cease all contact immediately. If and when it's time to get back in touch, you will. Otherwise 'set them free' etc. etc. and don't drag it out. Never drag it out. Ever. Bad.

That said, breaking up "because of the different places we're at in our life" always sounded like total bullshit to me anyway - "different places we're at" = you need to sleep with more women and she needs to sleep with more men before you're ready to make a commitment?

― Millar (Millar), Wednesday, 18 June 2003 20:17 (twenty-two years ago)

It's just really painful no matter which avenue you decide to take.

― Chris Barrus (Chris Barrus), Wednesday, 18 June 2003 20:37 (twenty-two years ago)

Millar alludes to something important: a total cut-off at this point won't rule out any positive contact again ever if that's appropriate -- but prolonged awfulness will pretty much rule out anything positive developing out of this EVER.

― Colin Meeder (Mert), Wednesday, 18 June 2003 20:41 (twenty-two years ago)

CM on point

― Millar (Millar), Wednesday, 18 June 2003 21:05 (twenty-two years ago)

re: difft. places: not exactly Millar. in yr. case we'd actually be in the same place anyway. i don't feel like going into more on a public forum but its all gooshy emotional stuff more than anything else.

― Sterling Clover (s_clover), Thursday, 19 June 2003 04:58 (twenty-two years ago)

CM and millar on point...my first major breakup was horrible and protracted and fuckbuddyish and its a wonder we ever managed to pull a friendship out of it at all

then again, my other major breakup was quick and horrible and all at once and we've never spoken again

hmmm

― jess (dubplatestyle), Thursday, 19 June 2003 05:01 (twenty-two years ago)

I'd suggest getting it over fast, Sterling - I've found that when I let them linger we're both just increasingly miserable. With a solid and swift end, one goes into shock and then can start the grieving and healing process - if it's drug out the healing process can lag, too. I'm sorry to hear that life isn't being fun for you right now - hang in there and think of good things, like kitties and puppies and such - and not to mention that you've got a group of folks here who are willing (and actually want) to listen and comfort and console and advice and support. Use us, please.

― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Thursday, 19 June 2003 06:18 (twenty-two years ago)

i have like three boxes of stuff to give her back. :-(

also i have to keep stopping myself from trying to push things w/ her not to get her back but just to remind us both how much we care. which would in effect hurt us both.

sigh.

― Sterling Clover (s_clover), Friday, 20 June 2003 06:03 (twenty-two years ago)

Cut that shit off, man. Remaining friends with my ex has led to hella emotional turmoil (and some great sex, but a lot of wracked nerves in the interim).

― JonBenet Rammstein, Friday, 20 June 2003 06:11 (twenty-two years ago)

Sterling, my sympathies. try to keep the chin up and remember why you made the decision in the first place, which presumably was arrived at with no little deliberation.

― Mr. Diamond (diamond), Friday, 20 June 2003 06:22 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm gonna echo a few others on this thread: The one really long drawn-out break-up I've had is the only ex I'm still friends with. And some of the quick break-ups have been just as painful for just as long.

― Chris P (Chris P), Friday, 20 June 2003 06:33 (twenty-two years ago)

we're staying friends no matter what coz we're not gonna be able to avoid one another due to other circumstances.

― Sterling Clover (s_clover), Friday, 20 June 2003 07:11 (twenty-two years ago)

Sterling - if you both still love each other, and this breakup is causing you both so much pain, isn't there any way you can work things out between you so you can stay together?

I know nothing about your personal situation here, but all relationships get into the doldrums sometimes, when despite loving the other person we can feel bored or trapped or taken for granted.

If the foundations are still good and the love is still there, things can often be got back on track with a bit of effort - sometimes you both just need to look at the bigger picture. (I am a sappy romantic though, so pls ignore me)

Sorry you're hurting :(

― C J (C J), Friday, 20 June 2003 07:18 (twenty-two years ago)

Sterling, I hope things are working out for you.

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Friday, 20 June 2003 07:36 (twenty-two years ago)

it still feels miserable being alone.

― Sterling Clover (s_clover), Monday, 30 June 2003 07:30 (twenty-two years ago)

come to the 'dark side' sterl. it is freezing in here ;)

(sorry to hear it)

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Monday, 30 June 2003 09:27 (twenty-two years ago)

Sterling, if you need an ear, to laugh, cry, scream, vent, I'm but an email away. Been there, done that, bought the t shirt, had it stolen at the laundromat and it fucking SUCKS, so I am full of all kinds of empathy.

― luna (luna.c), Monday, 30 June 2003 09:34 (twenty-two years ago)

music rules. i am a fucking whore. bring it on.
]]]

― That Girl (thatgirl), Monday, 30 June 2003 10:13 (twenty-two years ago)

one year passes...

hey sterling. clare here
remember when we walked to j. p. from copley?

― nora (nora), Thursday, 12 May 2005 05:14 (twenty years ago)

Should I bump this?

― TOMBOT, Thursday, 12 May 2005 18:17 (twenty years ago)

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