Children's Books That Failed

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OK, I'm (finally) getting tired of the Ass Thread, so now in my desperate attempt to fend off thoughts on the pointlessness of my existence, I'm remembering an old joke e-mail that listed titles of children's books that failed. Among those I recall:

Your Nightmares Are Real
Suzie Was Bad and Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
Grampa Gets a Casket!
Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Really Neat Stuff
The Magical World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

Got anymore? I'm bored! Entertain me! Pleeeeeaaase?

― jewelly (jewelly), Thursday, 26 June 2003 18:23 (twenty-two years ago)

Curious George and the Electric Fence

― luna (luna.c), Thursday, 26 June 2003 18:28 (twenty-two years ago)

It's All Your Fault:A Child's Guide to Divorce

― Charles McCain (Charles McCain), Thursday, 26 June 2003 18:29 (twenty-two years ago)

You Are Different and That's Bad
The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
Dad's New Wife Robert
Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share
Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
Some Kittens Can Fly
Strangers Have the Best Candy
Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games

― luna (luna.c), Thursday, 26 June 2003 18:30 (twenty-two years ago)

My New Friend Mr. Mo Lester

― Yanc3y (ystrickler), Thursday, 26 June 2003 18:31 (twenty-two years ago)

http://www.wackypacks.net/91wacky/pictures/littledeadkitten.jpg

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Thursday, 26 June 2003 18:32 (twenty-two years ago)

*removes pistol from her mouth, replaces it in desk drawer*

Ahh. Thanks, guys ... A reason to make it through the day ...

― jewelly (jewelly), Thursday, 26 June 2003 18:35 (twenty-two years ago)

hahaha

this thread is great

― H (Heruy), Thursday, 26 June 2003 18:37 (twenty-two years ago)

Captain Kangaroo: A Scratch 'n Sniff Biography

― Neudonym, Thursday, 26 June 2003 18:42 (twenty-two years ago)

Jewelly, what the hell were you doing w/ a cigarette lighter in your mouth? That's so disgusting!

― David R. (popshots75`), Thursday, 26 June 2003 18:48 (twenty-two years ago)

Let's Get In The Well

― g--ff c-nn-n (gcannon), Thursday, 26 June 2003 18:48 (twenty-two years ago)

Dookie the Dog Makes Backyard Brownies

― jewelly (jewelly), Thursday, 26 June 2003 18:50 (twenty-two years ago)

You Can Totally Fit in There
It Can Totally Fit in There

― Yanc3y (ystrickler), Thursday, 26 June 2003 18:52 (twenty-two years ago)

The Shaky Bed: When Daddies Try to Kill Mommies

― jewelly (jewelly), Thursday, 26 June 2003 18:55 (twenty-two years ago)

A Child's Garden of Syringes

― Neudonym, Thursday, 26 June 2003 19:02 (twenty-two years ago)

I still think Let's Get in the Well is the best.

― Yanc3y (ystrickler), Thursday, 26 June 2003 19:03 (twenty-two years ago)

Who Chopped Off My Sister's Wee-Wee?

― jewelly (jewelly), Thursday, 26 June 2003 19:05 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh, Yanc3y, we're just gettin' STARTED!

(I think ...)

― jewelly (jewelly), Thursday, 26 June 2003 19:06 (twenty-two years ago)

The Sleepytime Cabinet

― g--ff c-nn-n (gcannon), Thursday, 26 June 2003 19:10 (twenty-two years ago)

The Ugly Girl Who Made People Sick

― jewelly (jewelly), Thursday, 26 June 2003 19:20 (twenty-two years ago)

I'll Just Grow a NEW Hand!

― jewelly (jewelly), Thursday, 26 June 2003 19:23 (twenty-two years ago)

My First Toadstool Cookbook.

― Christine 'Green Leafy Dragon' Indigo (cindigo), Thursday, 26 June 2003 19:29 (twenty-two years ago)

Mommy's Pink Flashlight

― g--ff c-nn-n (gcannon), Thursday, 26 June 2003 19:37 (twenty-two years ago)

Pull My Finger!: A Pop-Up Book

― Chris P (Chris P), Thursday, 26 June 2003 20:03 (twenty-two years ago)

Bi-Curious George
What Everyone Knows But You
Let's Take the Baby's Head Off! (this last, an actual quote from my little nephew soon after he got a baby brother)

― Layna Andersen (Layna Andersen), Thursday, 26 June 2003 20:09 (twenty-two years ago)

Finnegans Wake.

― Chris P (Chris P), Thursday, 26 June 2003 20:44 (twenty-two years ago)

The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

― Ben Mott (Ben Mott), Thursday, 26 June 2003 20:59 (twenty-two years ago)

Darn you Ben Mott! You stole mine!

― Jodi (Celerina), Thursday, 26 June 2003 21:00 (twenty-two years ago)

Farmer Brown's Secret Cattle Prod

― jewelly (jewelly), Thursday, 26 June 2003 21:15 (twenty-two years ago)

"R" Is For Elephant.

The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

There *was* a pop-up Kama Sutra a while back, but that isn't exactly what your talking about....

― Christine 'Green Leafy Dragon' Indigo (cindigo), Thursday, 26 June 2003 21:23 (twenty-two years ago)

Johnny Blackmails the Priest

― jewelly (jewelly), Thursday, 26 June 2003 21:30 (twenty-two years ago)

Black People Only LOOK Scary ...

― jewelly (jewelly), Thursday, 26 June 2003 21:32 (twenty-two years ago)

Sorry Jodi!

― Ben Mott (Ben Mott), Thursday, 26 June 2003 21:52 (twenty-two years ago)

C'mon, Jodi, don't give up now. We're all counting on you.

― jewelly (jewelly), Thursday, 26 June 2003 21:56 (twenty-two years ago)

Mommy's Mammaries

― Curt1s St3ph3ns, Thursday, 26 June 2003 22:04 (twenty-two years ago)

Mommy! I'm Peeing On The Good Rug This Time!

― Christine 'Green Leafy Dragon' Indigo (cindigo), Thursday, 26 June 2003 22:56 (twenty-two years ago)

You Can Fly!

― Chris P (Chris P), Thursday, 26 June 2003 22:58 (twenty-two years ago)

Blind People Are Funny

― jewelly (jewelly), Friday, 27 June 2003 02:39 (twenty-two years ago)

What's in the Toaster?

― M Matos (M Matos), Friday, 27 June 2003 02:49 (twenty-two years ago)

If At First It Hurts Like Heck, Try Try Again

― jewelly (jewelly), Friday, 27 June 2003 02:51 (twenty-two years ago)

Let's Look Through Daddy's Tool Box!

― M Matos (M Matos), Friday, 27 June 2003 02:52 (twenty-two years ago)

Are You My Girlfriend?

― Michael Stuchbery (Mikey Bidness), Friday, 27 June 2003 02:52 (twenty-two years ago)

Peter and the Plate-Glass Window

― Michael Stuchbery (Mikey Bidness), Friday, 27 June 2003 02:53 (twenty-two years ago)

Get Knocked Out Like a Super-Hero!

― jewelly (jewelly), Friday, 27 June 2003 02:58 (twenty-two years ago)

Food Poisoning Can Be Fun!

― Christine 'Green Leafy Dragon' Indigo (cindigo), Friday, 27 June 2003 03:00 (twenty-two years ago)

A Family Treasury Of Polack Jokes.

― Chris P (Chris P), Friday, 27 June 2003 03:01 (twenty-two years ago)

Drinking Mommy's Liquor--and Loving It!

― M Matos (M Matos), Friday, 27 June 2003 03:03 (twenty-two years ago)

Green eggs and nausea

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Friday, 27 June 2003 03:04 (twenty-two years ago)

How Billy Grew Hair on His Palms

― jewelly (jewelly), Friday, 27 June 2003 03:15 (twenty-two years ago)

If It's Good Enough for the Dog, It's Good Enough for Me

― jewelly (jewelly), Friday, 27 June 2003 05:09 (twenty-two years ago)

Suzie's Parents Died, and She Got Money

― jewelly (jewelly), Friday, 27 June 2003 05:11 (twenty-two years ago)

Trust Fun!

― M Matos (M Matos), Friday, 27 June 2003 05:12 (twenty-two years ago)

Hell is in Wonderland

― Erik, Friday, 27 June 2003 05:18 (twenty-two years ago)

My Whole Family Loves Me Now That I'm Dead!

― jewelly (jewelly), Friday, 27 June 2003 05:30 (twenty-two years ago)

Fun with Grandpa's Teeth

― M Matos (M Matos), Friday, 27 June 2003 05:36 (twenty-two years ago)

Let's All Go to the Mental Hospital

― jewelly (jewelly), Friday, 27 June 2003 11:11 (twenty-two years ago)

Let's All Go to the Mental Hospital

― jewelly (jewelly), Friday, 27 June 2003 11:12 (twenty-two years ago)

http://www.bouncingbadger.com/Kids_Books/LordSkeletor_hurt.jpg

― dog latin (dog latin), Friday, 27 June 2003 11:22 (twenty-two years ago)

When You Die, It's Just Darkness

Curious George and Silly Saddam

100 Ways to Have Fun with a Jar of Glue and Your Little Brother

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Friday, 27 June 2003 11:38 (twenty-two years ago)

http://imagedeposit.com/Ad_images/Imagedeposit_dot_com_Big_ID_1233__texas.jpg

― Chris V. (Chris V), Friday, 27 June 2003 12:16 (twenty-two years ago)

The Little Engine With Wood.

Where the Wild Things Whore.

― estela (estela), Friday, 27 June 2003 12:17 (twenty-two years ago)

http://imagedeposit.com/Ad_images/Imagedeposit_dot_com_Big_ID_1233__neddy.jpg

― Chris V. (Chris V), Friday, 27 June 2003 12:35 (twenty-two years ago)

They Found a Bundle in the Garbage: An Adopted Child's Question and Answer Book

― Michael Daddino (epicharmus), Friday, 27 June 2003 12:49 (twenty-two years ago)

Samantha's Squiggle-Pen Surprise

dog latin and Chris V. -- More, please please please please ...

― jewelly (jewelly), Friday, 27 June 2003 16:39 (twenty-two years ago)

Do White Pills Or Blue Pills Taste Better?

― teeny (teeny), Friday, 27 June 2003 17:00 (twenty-two years ago)

You'll Show Them!

― g--ff c-nn-n (gcannon), Friday, 27 June 2003 17:03 (twenty-two years ago)

http://imagedeposit.com/Ad_images/Imagedeposit_dot_com_Big_ID_1233__pitt.jpg

― Chris V. (Chris V), Friday, 27 June 2003 17:05 (twenty-two years ago)

Runaway Railyard (a Chickenhawk adventure)

― g--ff c-nn-n (gcannon), Friday, 27 June 2003 17:06 (twenty-two years ago)

I must stress none of these are my own creations:

http://www.bouncingbadger.com/Kids_Books/Erebus_bullet.jpg

http://www.bouncingbadger.com/Kids_Books/DocEvil-dies.jpg

― dog latin (dog latin), Friday, 27 June 2003 17:07 (twenty-two years ago)

fuck! that was too small. can't be arsed to get the link again - go to properties and open them seperately.

― dog latin (dog latin), Friday, 27 June 2003 17:12 (twenty-two years ago)

"Whenever You Tell A Lie, An Angel Dies"

― donut bitch (donut), Friday, 27 June 2003 17:45 (twenty-two years ago)

You Came From a Cunt

― Eyeball Kicks (Eyeball Kicks), Saturday, 28 June 2003 00:06 (twenty-two years ago)

But Mommy Wanted a Girl

― Michael Daddino (epicharmus), Saturday, 28 June 2003 00:16 (twenty-two years ago)

apparently, dirty stuff isn't allowed on imagedeposit. fuck em.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Saturday, 28 June 2003 00:20 (twenty-two years ago)

Kind of a clunky title.

― jewelly (jewelly), Saturday, 28 June 2003 00:27 (twenty-two years ago)

Olsen Girls Gone Wild
Clowns, Carnies, and You
How to Impress Jodie Foster (copyright 1979)
A Wrinkle in Tim
I Have a Big Ass
Me Did It All For the Cookie (Sesame Street Album, 2001)

― Neudonym, Saturday, 28 June 2003 00:44 (twenty-two years ago)

Daddy's Three Wives

― Curt1s St3ph3ns, Saturday, 28 June 2003 01:52 (twenty-two years ago)

hillaire belocq to thread

― robin (robin), Saturday, 28 June 2003 05:46 (twenty-two years ago)

thats probably spelt wrong

― robin (robin), Saturday, 28 June 2003 05:48 (twenty-two years ago)

Me Did It All For the Cookie (Sesame Street Album, 2001)

alternately, Get Cookie Or Die Tryin'

― Kenan Hebert (kenan), Saturday, 28 June 2003 05:51 (twenty-two years ago)

Wee Willy's Winkie
Michael Gira's Rainy-Day Fun Time Collection of Songs
Mewly the Mealworm's Adventures in the Lizard Tank
Why Can't I Play With Rusty Nails?
Robin Hood and the Entertainment Lawyers

Growing adolescent division:
Your Body and You: Why All the Teens Quoted in This Book Are Having a Better Sex Life Than You Are

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Saturday, 28 June 2003 14:28 (twenty-two years ago)

Eww! You're Fat!

― jewelly (jewelly), Saturday, 28 June 2003 14:41 (twenty-two years ago)

Hairdryers, Baths, Roast
Why Daddy Wears Slilettos
Smelling Bums
Cancer! Surprise!

― Chris Radford (Chris Radford), Saturday, 28 June 2003 14:52 (twenty-two years ago)

Is It Really Supposed to Be That Hairy? A Puberty Primer for Kids
Art From Your Butt, Volume 1: Sculpture
Art From Your Butt, Volume 2: Murals
Let's Break Shiny Stuff
Timmy the Turtle Meets Harry the Hockey Stick
A Child's Treasury of Crunk

― Nate Patrin (Nate Patrin), Saturday, 28 June 2003 18:27 (twenty-two years ago)

http://www.somethingawful.com/features/childrensbooks/rivetz_immig.jpg

― Gatinha (rwillmsen), Saturday, 28 June 2003 19:12 (twenty-two years ago)

Horton Hires a Whore!

― j.lu (j.lu), Saturday, 28 June 2003 19:21 (twenty-two years ago)

Daniella's Daddy Goes to Prison

― jewelly (jewelly), Saturday, 28 June 2003 19:29 (twenty-two years ago)

four months pass...

The Cheerleader And The Stomach-Pump

― stevem (blueski), Friday, 31 October 2003 16:14 (twenty-one years ago)

http://ox.eicat.ca/~scarruthers/ilx/loanshark.jpg

― Sean Carruthers (SeanC), Friday, 31 October 2003 17:02 (twenty-one years ago)

Heather Has Two Mommies and Both of Them Are Trying to Kill Her

― Skottie, Friday, 31 October 2003 17:50 (twenty-one years ago)

five months pass...

Why can't Mr Fork and Ms Plug-Socket be friends?

― thuddd (thuddd), Friday, 9 April 2004 01:41 (twenty-one years ago)

The Cat in the Hat

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Friday, 9 April 2004 02:33 (twenty-one years ago)

Inspirational Biographies for Young People:

An Entire Quart of Semen: The Rod Stewart Story

― Skottie, Friday, 9 April 2004 04:45 (twenty-one years ago)

No Raincoat, No Discount

Friends With Benefits - The Bananas In Pyjamas Story

― Billy, Friday, 9 April 2004 04:53 (twenty-one years ago)

My First Big Book of Spooge

― Skottie, Friday, 9 April 2004 05:08 (twenty-one years ago)

It's pointless to try and top 'Daddy Drinks Because You Cry'

― oops (Oops), Friday, 9 April 2004 06:12 (twenty-one years ago)

Hi 5 For the Straight Guy

― Trayce (trayce), Friday, 9 April 2004 06:16 (twenty-one years ago)

though "Bi-Curious George" comes pretty close

― oops (Oops), Friday, 9 April 2004 06:19 (twenty-one years ago)

The Tooth Fairy Wants MORE

― oops (Oops), Friday, 9 April 2004 06:20 (twenty-one years ago)

101 Things to Do with Matches

― oops (Oops), Friday, 9 April 2004 06:22 (twenty-one years ago)

You Like Flying? (I've got something that'll really make you fly)

― oops (Oops), Friday, 9 April 2004 06:23 (twenty-one years ago)

Why You Deserve to Be Locked In The Basement

― oops (Oops), Friday, 9 April 2004 06:25 (twenty-one years ago)

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