at what point in being single for a long time do you begin to worry?

Message Bookmarked

Bookmark Removed

Well?

I haven't began to worry yet though this sometimes worries me. Is it possible to fall out of the loop and be 60 before you know it?

I'm not massively worried, I am confident about who I am and how I look and all that stuff, what do you dudes reckon? This is such a Glastonbury comedown question.

Still.

― Ronan (Ronan), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 15:55 (twenty-two years ago)

not yet

― mark s (mark s), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 15:58 (twenty-two years ago)

When I'm trying to think of new things to masturbate with.

― Kenan Hebert (kenan), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 15:59 (twenty-two years ago)

I dunno, I've been single for years. I don't worry, but then that's me.

― jel -- (jel), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 16:00 (twenty-two years ago)

Being 60 before you know it could seem classic in many ways... this happens, then you happen across someone. Could take years.

― Andrew Thames (Andrew Thames), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 16:02 (twenty-two years ago)

I never worry. Heart of stone etc.

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 16:03 (twenty-two years ago)

in 4-6 months time i'll be worried.

― stevem (blueski), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 16:08 (twenty-two years ago)

I've been single for two years, and have recently started to panic about becoming one of those crazy old cat ladies. I mean, I'm already a sensible shoe wearing librarian. I don't think crazy cat lady will be much of a leap for me.

― Jodi (Celerina), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 16:14 (twenty-two years ago)

I am struggling to come to terms with the implication that worry has a beginning or an end.

― Tim (Tim), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 16:14 (twenty-two years ago)

well i'm 23 and i've never dated anyone. the odd crush i get does make me think abt it whereas otherwise music and books or work make it ok for me to place thoughts abt being single at the back of my mind.

I don't know where i stand with things like the way i look or any of 'that stuff', either.

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 16:14 (twenty-two years ago)

we need an old ilx0rs home.

― teeny (teeny), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 16:16 (twenty-two years ago)

I've been single for three years, *and* I've got a cat. Clearly, I'm doomed.

― caitlin (caitlin), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 16:22 (twenty-two years ago)

I worry a little...

― luna (luna.c), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 16:23 (twenty-two years ago)

about three years ago.

― amateurist (amateurist), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 16:25 (twenty-two years ago)

Clearly what I need is a long-distance boyfriend. You know, so I can say 'no, I'm not single, but my boyfriend lives ________,' thereby avoiding well-meaning friends who want to set me up on horrific blind dates with their cross-eyed bat winged cousin (okay he didn't have bat wings, but it would have been cooler if he had), while still being relatively free to do what I like.

― luna (luna.c), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 16:28 (twenty-two years ago)

luna if you're moving to NOLA I have a great friend there I can set you up with!!

oh wait.

― teeny (teeny), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 16:29 (twenty-two years ago)

well, you did say 'friend' and not 'cousin' - I'm convinced this makes a difference.

― luna (luna.c), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 16:33 (twenty-two years ago)

bat wings > bingo wings

― stevem (blueski), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 16:34 (twenty-two years ago)

And we all know what 'bingo' means...

― luna (luna.c), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 16:36 (twenty-two years ago)

What's the longest y'all have been single?

― Mandee, Wednesday, 2 July 2003 16:38 (twenty-two years ago)

I think I need to be single. I have done consecutive long-term relationships since I was 14, and I think perhaps it's not normal or healthy.

― jewelly (jewelly), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 16:39 (twenty-two years ago)

er, always mandee.

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 16:40 (twenty-two years ago)

Maybe 2 years? 3?

As for the thread question:

When I wake up in the morning and there's nobody there but me. The feeling usually goes away by the time I get out the door, but it's weird; it's not like a days/weeks/months time-delay thing for me, just certain moments of the day (also: watching sunsets alone = I start to worry) get those particular gears grinding in my mind/heart.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 16:40 (twenty-two years ago)

When I was single I never really worried about it. But I had a lot of single friends. Having a lot of coupled-up friends would weird me out, I'm sure.

― Mandee, Wednesday, 2 July 2003 16:44 (twenty-two years ago)

Check that.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 16:46 (twenty-two years ago)

Actually, this thread made me say that: I don't usually mind at all.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 16:48 (twenty-two years ago)

(also: watching sunsets alone = I start to worry)

That was my point a couple months ago.. tell you what - every day you go watch it and then tell me about it, nick, and then I'll watch it here and tell you. It'll be almost like... nothing even close to being the same.

Crap.

On to Plan X.

― luna (luna.c), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 16:49 (twenty-two years ago)

roughy 21 years in

― mitch lastnamewithheld (mitchlnw), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 16:54 (twenty-two years ago)

For a second there, I thought sunsets was in reference to a horrible soap opera that does not exist.

I also thought, "What is so WRONG about watching 'Sunsets' alone?!!?"

― Mandee, Wednesday, 2 July 2003 16:56 (twenty-two years ago)

I like sitting an watching things like sunsets and the rain on my won, another person with me wouldn't be right. Like the trickster I was born to walk alone.

― jel -- (jel), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 16:57 (twenty-two years ago)

It's an unknown, and the unknown will always be worrying to some degree. You could meet someone tomorrow, or you could meet someone never. I think that Ronan you are not talking about being single per se, bc if you wanted you could find someone, but you are thinking about a special person, a soulmate, the kind of person you do have to wait for, unless you are extremely lucky or easily satisfied, one or the other.

― Mary (Mary), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 16:58 (twenty-two years ago)

I have always been single, and am at the point where I think being with someone would just be a bad idea. My roommate moved out last week and I feel like "Yes! I get to do what I want whenever I want now, without someone breathing down my neck!" which is ridiculous because I saw her maybe once a day for five minutes (at most) in the kitchen or whatnot. I can't even hang out with my friends for more than a few hours without feeling resentful of the intrusion into my alone time. Obv. this is problematic, but as long as I'm not obligated to really DO anything about it I don't really care.

― Poppy (poppy), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 17:01 (twenty-two years ago)

I kind of like it when someone breathes down my neck, especially in this hot weather we're having.

― Mandee, Wednesday, 2 July 2003 17:03 (twenty-two years ago)

I like that you mention the unknown Mary, cuz that's one of the things that makes being single COOL! I like that feeling that, at any moment in my life, I might meet THE person, y'know?

I think it's like, in my head/heart, there's a little wresting ring, and in one corner I've got Sad-and-Lonely-and-Worried-That-It'll-Stay-That-Way, and in the other corner I've got Hope-For-the-Possibility-That-I-Might-Meet-Someone-Very-Amazing-Any-Moment-Now, and then every morning one of the little voices in my head says "LET'S GET READY TO RUUUUUUMBUUUUUUUUUUULLL!" and the bell dings and they start wailing on each other with metal chairs and jumping offa the top rope and...well yeah conflicting emotions right right.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 17:07 (twenty-two years ago)

Yeah, but the unknown factor is also kind of depressing as I meet hundreds of new people a year and 98% of them I don't even want to befriend, not to mention like, formulate a LOVE-TYPE relationship with!

― Mandee, Wednesday, 2 July 2003 17:11 (twenty-two years ago)

I think I meet less than 30 new people a year.

― jel -- (jel), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 17:12 (twenty-two years ago)

the soulmate is like keys...always in the last place you look. you'll always be frustrated in your search until you find, and well then you're done looking aren't you? other option: stop looking (not socially acceptable but perfectly valid for some)

― teeny (teeny), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 17:24 (twenty-two years ago)

jel there's at least 30,000 people in W5 alone ;) gotta meet 'em all.

― stevem (blueski), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 17:30 (twenty-two years ago)

I've been single for five years. Overall, I don't really like it, but then my married friends get to envy me, so that's ok.

― rosemary (rosemary), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 17:30 (twenty-two years ago)

I don't know abt all that 'soulmate' stuff but it would be nice to have one relationship someday.

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 17:32 (twenty-two years ago)

soul mates are the best, especially when you run off with their best friend

― Mary (Mary), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 18:19 (twenty-two years ago)

It's time to watch it when you get into a passionate, tumultous relationship with someone, start planning the rest of your life around them etc., except they don't actually know you're doing it, in fact they don't actually know *you* even

― dave q, Wednesday, 2 July 2003 18:22 (twenty-two years ago)

Don't worry, guys. You can all get your date stamps renewed, free of charge, if you talk to the right people... so all of you will remain valid humans.

― donut bitch (donut), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 18:24 (twenty-two years ago)

dave q OTM, otherwise, just go about peppering the landscape with bastard children, lord knows it's worked for so many

― Millar (Millar), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 18:33 (twenty-two years ago)

Single 7 years (gulp!)

recently become something of a problem on Saturdays and holidays in particular.

― Bob Six (bobbysix), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 19:30 (twenty-two years ago)

how about when you realize that as time goes on and you meet new peopel you dislike them more and more? that means if you ever want to be coupled up again your options will get worse and worse unless the trend changes. ronan, i think you are too young to be worrying though.

― Maria (Maria), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 19:37 (twenty-two years ago)

Is it possible to fall out of the loop and be 60 before you know it?

If you did, would that be a bad thing? If you weren't dying without it, you didn't need it.

Worry when you a) can't stop being bitter about it, b) latch on to the next available fish cause you can't stand being single*, or c) hate non-single people cause you're not one of them. I think these things tend to be most applicable among the formerly non-single, though.

* Especially if it's actually a fish. Out of the aquarium, chuckles, it's time to go home.

― Tep (ktepi), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 20:09 (twenty-two years ago)

I found that right about the time I was getting comfortable with being single is when I've invariably met someone I can't get out of my head for one reason or another. Not all of them wound up assisting in the end of my singlehood, but being uncomfortable with being single can often needlessly complicate the transition to being half of a couple.

― martin m. (mushrush), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 20:18 (twenty-two years ago)

Yeah, ideally that's how it goes (I think I have spammed my heart out on other relationship-oriented threads). If you can't stand being single, you're unlikely to make half of a good couple. The universe is a bit slap-happy.

― Tep (ktepi), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 20:21 (twenty-two years ago)

Aye... Have to be independent to be interdependent and all that.

― martin m. (mushrush), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 20:24 (twenty-two years ago)

Skipping 27 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

I was 22 before I met Emma. Before that a couple of one-night-stands (how shit are they? - very) and a couple of unrequited's had made me feel like I was gona die alone in bed.

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Friday, 4 July 2003 21:55 (twenty-two years ago)

i don't. the only thing that would make me worry is if i had no friends.

― di smith (lucylurex), Saturday, 5 July 2003 00:48 (twenty-two years ago)

I worry most when I catch myself worrying about it.

Agree totally with Kate. Unhappily single beats the crap out of unhappily married any day of ther year (and doubly so on Days of Holy Obligation) and it's when I remember that, that I revive from the feelings I mentioned in the first para.

― Karen, Saturday, 5 July 2003 04:59 (twenty-two years ago)

'worry' in this q means to me => that you might end up alone or that there could be something that is 'wrong' with you.

I have a boyfriend and I still worry about this.

― jewelly (jewelly), Saturday, 5 July 2003 05:04 (twenty-two years ago)

well jewelly you are not exactly a 'sane' person are you? ;)

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Saturday, 5 July 2003 07:13 (twenty-two years ago)

You can be in a relationship and still have insecurities. That doesn't make someone not sane.

― kate (kate), Tuesday, 8 July 2003 09:48 (twenty-two years ago)

I mean, at what point in a relationship do you start to worry that it's not got "a future"? And what about when the two people in the relationship have very different ideas about what a "future" entails - i.e. one person is virulently "against" marriage or the like?

― kate (kate), Tuesday, 8 July 2003 09:56 (twenty-two years ago)

This is hypothetical, right?

― N. (nickdastoor), Tuesday, 8 July 2003 10:00 (twenty-two years ago)

haha!

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Tuesday, 8 July 2003 10:01 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm just talking about how one can have insecurities and feel like there is something "wrong with you" and still worry, even when one is supposedly in a relationship.

It's not anything to do with anything. Really.

― kate (kate), Tuesday, 8 July 2003 10:01 (twenty-two years ago)

''I'm just talking about how one can have insecurities and feel like there is something "wrong with you" and still worry, even when one is supposedly in a relationship''

aww...kate's trying to make us single ppl feel bettah.

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Tuesday, 8 July 2003 10:03 (twenty-two years ago)

No, I'm not. Fuck single people, the miserable bastards! There's nothing wrong with them that a good shag wouldn't cure! I'm trying to make myself feel better for being such an insecure cow!

― kate (kate), Tuesday, 8 July 2003 10:05 (twenty-two years ago)

well fuck you then ;-)

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Tuesday, 8 July 2003 10:06 (twenty-two years ago)

Precisely!

― kate (kate), Tuesday, 8 July 2003 10:10 (twenty-two years ago)

damn, you win the 'battle' but i shall win the 'war'.

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Tuesday, 8 July 2003 10:11 (twenty-two years ago)

"Others conquered love but I fled..." I forever had this image of Morrissey flinging himself into battle, fully clad with sword and armour to conquer love...

― kate (kate), Tuesday, 8 July 2003 10:13 (twenty-two years ago)

Ran. But I ran. Forgot the rhyme scheme.

― kate (kate), Tuesday, 8 July 2003 10:13 (twenty-two years ago)

the future is a chimera. it cannot be predicted. something that has a future can be curtailed by circumstances beyond eithers control. something that supposedly has no future can go on for long enough that it has a past (in which case, at the earlier point, it must have had a future otherwise why did it get this far)

think too much about the future and you will lose the present. and without the present you are harming possible futures

― gareth (gareth), Tuesday, 8 July 2003 10:17 (twenty-two years ago)

I stopped looking and found someone a week later - sods law.

― leigh (leigh), Tuesday, 8 July 2003 11:22 (twenty-two years ago)

Emma stresses about the future because I have almost no perception of it, which makes me laff.

Emma: Are we going to still be together in five years?

Nick: Dunno.

Emma: That means you hate me.

Nick: No, it means I'm enjoying being with you right now so much that I can't be bothered to spoil it by predicting badness and nonsense. Now shut up and let's eat chocolate!

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Tuesday, 8 July 2003 11:33 (twenty-two years ago)

No, it's more like...

Him: I don't believe in marriage - at all.

Her: ::sputters::

Him: Though I have been in long-term, married-like situations before without actually being married.

Her: ::cries::

Him: Erm... though I guess the only way I would get married is if it was really that important to the girl in question...

Her: ::runs off::

I don't know what to do in a situation like that. How do you communicate the fact that it IS important to the girl in question, without giving the impression that she wants a decision RIGHT NOW. Which she doesn't. She just doesn't want to rule out completely the future possibility of something that she does actually want.

:-(

This is becoming awfully non-abstract and I should probably shut up as it's on completely the wrong thread.

― kate (kate), Tuesday, 8 July 2003 11:41 (twenty-two years ago)

Bring it up in a year.

― Andrew Thames (Andrew Thames), Tuesday, 8 July 2003 11:44 (twenty-two years ago)

That's a very sensible idea, Andrew.

Though I must say the S in situations does give me pause. I don't know. :-(

― kate (kate), Tuesday, 8 July 2003 11:48 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh great, and I've just had my mum on the phone starting with the "When are you getting married?" thing. I'll just have my MUM talk to him next time. Kill two birds with one stone.

― kate (kate), Tuesday, 8 July 2003 12:13 (twenty-two years ago)

I was never really single since i began dating, I think the longest I was single was about 4 months. I was always a relationship kind of guy and a horrible breakerupper.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Tuesday, 8 July 2003 12:15 (twenty-two years ago)

why are you bringing up this question now? i dont understand. how can he predict how he will feel in 1 year/5 years/11 years? and people who can predict these things often make the crucial error of forgetting the fact that life intervenes along the way.

― gareth (gareth), Tuesday, 8 July 2003 12:16 (twenty-two years ago)

G: why are you bringing up this question now?

K in previous post: I've just had my mum on the phone starting with the "When are you getting married?" thing.

I think that answers the question. Maybe this should be a separate thread but I don't feel like starting it.

― kate (kate), Tuesday, 8 July 2003 12:18 (twenty-two years ago)

Kate, I've loved your posts on this thread!

I am pretty much more insecure when I am in a relationship. The happier I am, the more prone to ocasional bouts of panic and self-doubt I am. When I'm single, I occasionally worry about my negative points, but it's nothing compared to the gut-churning fear/paranoia/confusion that relationships can provide.

As my other half is probably reading this, I should mention that I am blissfully happy and not worrying much at all these days :)

― Mark C (Mark C), Tuesday, 8 July 2003 12:41 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm with Mark C on this. Actually, this is pretty much the first relationship I've had in a long time where I haven't felt totally insecure and completely miserable ALL THE TIME so that's probably actually a good sign.

― kate (kate), Tuesday, 8 July 2003 12:49 (twenty-two years ago)

yeah kate you make some good points. i've never had a lonelier time in my life than when i was in a long-term relationship.

― di smith (lucylurex), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 00:46 (twenty-two years ago)

I've been single-single for a year or so and was mostly-out-of-but still sort of-in a relationship for a year before that, so right now being single is something of a relief (for the first time ever). I do miss having sex quite a lot but that's not of such overriding importance that the fact that I'm happy takes second place to it.

― M Matos (M Matos), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 01:08 (twenty-two years ago)

I stopped looking and found someone a week later - sods law.

On more than one occasion I stopped looking, and before I knew it a year had passed.

― j.lu (j.lu), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 02:20 (twenty-two years ago)

i've never had a lonelier time in my life than when i was in a long-term relationship.

Feeling lonely while in a long-term relationship is a result of the relationship's poor quality, and can be cured by ending it. When I feel lonely by myself, I begin to worry that something is fundamentally wrong with me, and how the f*** do you cure that?

― j.lu (j.lu), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 02:25 (twenty-two years ago)

http://members.lycos.nl/cvdv/imagesfecold/fecdiagrammetastabiel.jpg

― Dada, Wednesday, 9 July 2003 02:34 (twenty-two years ago)

As far as curing the feeling of being lonely when you are by yourself, one of the worst things you can do is try to jump into a relationship. Doing so just cheats the other person, because you aren't doing it to because you care about them, but because you are trying to fix yourself.

I've found that a good bender with friends really helps or doing something completely new and potentially "me" oriented (so long as the "me" oriented stuff doesn't involve spending lots of money in an effort to make other people "ooh" and "ahh", that's still displacement)

― lewke (lewke), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 02:51 (twenty-two years ago)

It's all about personal attitude and psychology, if you look at it from the standpoint of "...I stopped looking, and before I knew it a year had passed." and are disappointed by this then yeah, you've just wasted a whole year. But if you take it from the standpoint that you just had a great year and didn't even notice that a year had passed, then you probably just had a great year and it didn't even matter that you were single.

And yes, in my own personal life I've noticed that I tend to date more often when I'm not trying.

― lewke (lewke), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 02:58 (twenty-two years ago)

Being single for a year or more between non-singleness is a good thing.

― Tep (ktepi), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 03:01 (twenty-two years ago)

five months pass...

I'm sorry I don't think so. I've been single since May after a 2 year relationship ended and it is really doing my head in! The strange thing is, tho, I don't feel inclined to proactively search.

― MarkH (MarkH), Saturday, 20 December 2003 16:31 (twenty-one years ago)

I am not at doing my head in point yet, I find it a bit curious more, most other things are going ok so sometimes I wonder about my love life. But I think it's better not to think about it, as far as possible.

― Ronan (Ronan), Saturday, 20 December 2003 16:41 (twenty-one years ago)

well it's 4-6 months later and yes i am worried, so i was unusually perceptive there

― stevem, Sunday, 21 December 2003 15:52 (twenty-one years ago)

i had a disquieting moment today when i conceived a very reasonable potential life where i would be single for the rest of it.

― fiddo centington (dubplatestyle), Monday, 22 December 2003 02:36 (twenty-one years ago)