My grandmother passed away this morning

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Phone rings this morning, it's my mom: my grandmother died this morning.

We've all been expecting it, 'Graham' (which is what I've always called her since I was little) was 99 years old and had been in a Sarasota nursing home for almost a year. The past couple of months had been kinda rough, as she was really out-of-it and not recognizing visitors. A couple of weeks ago she stopped eating and we all sorta knew that it was going to happen sooner rather than later.

Kinda mixed up right now. I'm sad but not devastated - really an odd sort of relief coupled with exhaustion. Mom feels the same way. Going up to the Ithaca house next week is going to be rather bittersweet. Glad I'm on the NYC flight tomorrow morning. Very glad to be hanging out with folks in a little under 36 hours.

Going to grab some pho across the street. A full stomach right now is urgent and key.

Didn't know what else to do right now other than post here.

― Chris Barrus (Chris Barrus), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 19:08 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm so sorry Chris :(

― Ally (mlescaut), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 19:10 (twenty-two years ago)

My condolences to you and your family, Chris. xoxo

― luna (luna.c), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 19:10 (twenty-two years ago)

you have my condolences.

― s1utsky (slutsky), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 19:10 (twenty-two years ago)

Sorry, Chris.

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 19:13 (twenty-two years ago)

Hey Chris, take care.

― Cozen (Cozen), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 19:14 (twenty-two years ago)

Chris, man, sorry to hear it. Good luck.

― Neudonym, Wednesday, 2 July 2003 19:14 (twenty-two years ago)

sorry chris. condolences to you and yr family

― H (Heruy), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 19:15 (twenty-two years ago)

My own grandmother's almost the same age and is in very bad shape. We're all anticipating that she's gonna go any time now, and it's really sad to think about.

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 19:16 (twenty-two years ago)

My condolences, Chris.

― Jay Vee (Manon_70), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 19:20 (twenty-two years ago)

Condolences, man.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 19:20 (twenty-two years ago)

condolences, chris.

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 19:24 (twenty-two years ago)

Here's some more condolences for you (and also to Horace, for his grandad).

― Charles McCain (Charles McCain), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 19:24 (twenty-two years ago)

My sympathies and condolences Chris. I lost my grandfather just over a week ago. It sounds like your Graham had a very long life and if she'd only been in a nursing home for the last year, it sounds like most of it was in good health.
So, through all the inevitable sadness don't forget toenjoy your memories and to enjoy your family.
Best wishes.

(I cross posted, thanks Charles)

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 19:25 (twenty-two years ago)

My sincere condolences, Chris.

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 19:26 (twenty-two years ago)

My sympathies, Chris.

― Kenan Hebert (kenan), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 19:28 (twenty-two years ago)

Ditto to everything above. I'm sorry, Chris.

― NA. (Nick A.), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 19:28 (twenty-two years ago)

99 years, though! That's incredible. What a wonderfully strong consitution your grandmother must have had. Was she a great-grandmother, too?

Condolences on your loss, but (as Horace said) don't forget to treasure and enjoy your memories of her.

Best wishes

― C J (C J), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 19:30 (twenty-two years ago)

sorry to hear that.

― Mr Noodles (Mr Noodles), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 19:35 (twenty-two years ago)

So sad. My condolences to you.

― Jodi (Celerina), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 19:42 (twenty-two years ago)

my best to ya, Chris. I understand how that goes.

― donut bitch (donut), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 19:49 (twenty-two years ago)

Thanks and hugs to you all!

― Chris Barrus (Chris Barrus), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 19:54 (twenty-two years ago)

More condolences. I just found out last week that my grandmother has Alzheimer's -- has had it for years and no one mentioned it to me. Obviously we're not terribly close, but still, it came as a surprise. By now it has apparently gotten pretty bad.

So, yeah, grandmothers. They're fragile and nice, or many of them are, at least.

― Chris P (Chris P), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 19:55 (twenty-two years ago)

My condolences too.

― cybele (cybele), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 20:10 (twenty-two years ago)

yeah, enjoy the good memories, and sorry to hear this!

― jel -- (jel), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 20:39 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm very sorry to hear about this. My grandmother went under similar circumstances several years ago.

― j.lu (j.lu), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 20:41 (twenty-two years ago)

Just got in from lunch -- terrible news to hear. My very best -- we'll chat more about it tomorrow.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 20:54 (twenty-two years ago)

Hugs to Chris and condolences.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 21:01 (twenty-two years ago)

Aw, I'm really sorry Chris. Try to take care of yourself a bit over the next few days, as well as taking care of other members of your family.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 21:12 (twenty-two years ago)

Hey, Chris. My grandmother's 80, lives in a nursing home, went blind a few years ago and has Parkenson's. It's horrible to see someone you love waste away like that. It sounds like you Graham was ready to go, though of course it still hurts, and you and your family have my condolences too.

― jewelly (jewelly), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 21:13 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm really sorry sweetie.

― That Girl (thatgirl), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 21:15 (twenty-two years ago)

Chris, I understand pretty much all your feelings, having been through similar situations recently. I hope you're feeling okay and that your family can pull together to comfort each other and treasure the most special memories together.

― Mark C (Mark C), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 21:17 (twenty-two years ago)

It _is_ a mixed sort of feeling that comes when someone you love passes away like that. It's sadness because you've lost someone you love, but it's relief because that person is no longer struggling, and because you are no longer waiting anxiously and worriedly for the inevitable to happen ... but no matter how much you are expecting or preparing for it, it is always a bit of a shock.

Chris, I'm so sorry to hear about this.

*big hug*

Something that might help you feel better (it helped me feel better when each of my 4 grandparents and my great-grandma passed away) would be to think of something small and "insignificant" that many of your happy memories revolve around, and then to ask whoever is in charge of your grandma's estate if you could have that particular thing ... Only one thing though. (In my experience,the more things you receive from an estate, the more diffused those memories are thoughout those things, so a pile of stuff doesn't have the same impact as a single, carefully-chosen, everyday thing).

My great-grandmother had horse-shaped bookends which she kept her letters between (not her books). When I was 6 years old, I used to play with those bookends for hours. She was always nearby while I played, because she liked those bookends too -- and was maybe worried that I'd break them (or read her letters!). Many years later, when she passed away, I asked the estate folks if I could have those bookends to remember her by. Since the bookends weren't made of expensive metal, weren't precious heirlooms, and weren't already promised to anyone, the estate folks said "sure, go ahead and take them." I did, and now every time I look at the bookends, they bring up those happy memories of her sitting beside me while I played.

My grandmother (grandpa's third re-marriage) collected salt-and-pepper shakers with nautical themes. She chose that theme because my grandpa was a sailor. Grandma had about thirty shakers in her collection : some in the shape of pirates, some that were carved like Easter Island statues, some that were shaped like tug-boats ... There was one set though that I loved most, because they were in the shape of bouy lanterns (complete with thick glass in red and green, so you could tell one from the other, as well as see the spices inside). Those shakers were her favorite too, and were worn-out from being used so often. Since they were a "working set" (full of salt and pepper), I couldn't play with them, but she'd let me look at them while waiting for dinner. She was a great cook, so whenever I had those lantern-shakers in my hands, I knew good meals were soon going to appear! It seemed like just looking at those shakers, or holding one in my hand, could make my appetite stronger!

When she passed away, I asked my uncle if I could have the bouy-lantern shakers to remember her by, and my uncle was so touched by the idea that he asked all my grandma's other friends and relations
if they'd like to keep one of her shaker sets too, as a small token to remember her by. Soon, all the sets were dispersed, and now her spirit, via her salt-and-pepper-shaker collection, presides over several dozen different kitchens.

take care, Chris, and take it easy.

Let your warmest memories of your "Graham" guide you though tonight.

― stripey, Wednesday, 2 July 2003 22:10 (twenty-two years ago)

death is as natural as birth. the end.

― faggotry (faggotry), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 22:33 (twenty-two years ago)

Actually, the first thing I thought of immediately after I got The Phone Call was to the last time I saw her: August 2001 at the Ithaca house when she still had her wits about her and was generally just an ever-so-slightly bawdy grandma who loved watching Eastenders on BBC America.

― Chris Barrus (Chris Barrus), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 22:52 (twenty-two years ago)

Aw. My deepest condolences, dear Chris. :(

― Innocent Dreamer (Dee the Lurker), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 22:52 (twenty-two years ago)

Chris, very sorry to hear the news. Best to you and your family.

― Jeff Wright, Thursday, 3 July 2003 02:13 (twenty-two years ago)

I can offer you no words, only thoughts and meditations for peace and acceptance and healing, Chris. May you remain full of joy and love.

― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Thursday, 3 July 2003 02:35 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm sorry, Chris.

― rosemary (rosemary), Thursday, 3 July 2003 03:05 (twenty-two years ago)

i'm sorry, chris. *hugs*

― lyra (lyra), Thursday, 3 July 2003 03:44 (twenty-two years ago)

Just repeating what's already been said ... but sorry indeed to hear about your loss.

― Paul in Santa Cruz (Paul in Santa Cruz), Thursday, 3 July 2003 05:02 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm, so sorry Chris. Even when it is expected it's still a shock. I hope you are ok.

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Thursday, 3 July 2003 07:09 (twenty-two years ago)

when my paternal grandmother died, i was in the middle of studying for undergrad finals and i couldn't even go the funeral. when my maternal grandmother died, i was in the middle of a huge work project though i was able to go the funeral. in both cases, i didn't get the chance to say good-bye before they died -- i feel awful about it, to this day and i will till the day that i finally die.

my sincere condolences, chris.

― Tad (llamasfur), Thursday, 3 July 2003 07:13 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh my god, I'm sorry, Chris. :-(

::hugs and love-filled drones::

― kate (kate), Thursday, 3 July 2003 07:31 (twenty-two years ago)

What everyone else said - deepest sympathies to yourself and your family, Chris.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Thursday, 3 July 2003 07:37 (twenty-two years ago)

(heh Kate, I have a mental aural image that's going "loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove" now)

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Thursday, 3 July 2003 13:34 (twenty-two years ago)

hang in there, Chris.

― Jeanne Fury (Jeanne Fury), Thursday, 3 July 2003 13:40 (twenty-two years ago)

I remember what you said to me when MY grandmother died.

― Orbit (Orbit), Friday, 4 July 2003 16:26 (twenty-two years ago)

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