What to do when someone you love is depressed

I think that outside help is important - even if not for him, then for *you*. If someone else is unloading a lot of pressure on you, you need to take care of yourself as well, and make sure that *you* have a pressure valve. This can be something as simple as talking to a friend yourself. But it's important to make sure that you are supported as well as him.

That's probably a completely unhelpful thing to say.

Get him proper help, sod "he says he wouldn't know what to say because there's nothing really wrong". See your GP/doc, then they'll prob refer you to the right type of counsellor.

All the best.

This case sounds not like someone needing a shoulder to cry on but potentially creating an emotional punchbag to ease the problem (forgive me if this is an unfair assesment) and as a result you should not have to bare the brunt of it.

Whoever you are i hope it gets easier for you and try to remeber that you dont always have to be strong as we cant all shoulder everyones burdens.

Wrong. Do get angry. Forced sympathy is the last thing a depressed person needs. Be fair, make sure he understands that you love and support him no matter what, but for Christ's sake let your anger out. You'll both feel better.

Also, it’s important for both of you to recognise that you don’t have to deal with the situation on your own. There will be people ready to help both of you, professionally and personally, if you need them.

But be sure to take care of yourself in all of this.

Getting outside help for *me* is at least something I have control over, I guess. But I haven't felt able to talk to friends or family because they know him and it feels disloyal somehow. Cue ILx...

But I find it hard to break down our relationship into 'x is depressed, I'm stressed' because it doesn't cover our characters, our history, anything...

1) If you get help, even just to ask yer doctor what counselling options are, it may spur him on to get help, i.e. he sees how easy, not-scary, helpful it is, and that will motivate him.

2) Talking about mental illness with your or your partner's family is NOT necessarily disloyal. Think of it this way: if your partner was diabetic, would you feel disloyal if you asked "Hey, is anyone else in the family also diabetic?" Family may be able to provide you with a context and a history and help in other ways you hadn't realised.

There is a stigma attached to mental illness which is preventing both your boyfriend - and probably you as well - for asking for help. Don't be afraid. Suffering from mental illness is not evil or weird or bad. But letting it go untreated so that it wrecks not just one person's life, but all the people around that person's life IS bad.

I don't care how judgemental that makes me sound, it may be "normal" if he's going through some extreme emotional problems for him to be up all night crying, but it's not acceptible for him to be taking it out on his lover and refusing to get professional help.

I'm not fighting with you Pinkpanther. We're having semantic differences, but at the end of the day, both of us are agreeing that there is some kind of problem here that someone needs to get help for, and someone needs to not be afraid to get help.

OK, sorry to have caused anyone offense on this thread, I will get off it now. Like I said, my advice is always going to be coloured by my own experiences.

I think Kate might be right... but the idea of telling the person you love that you think they're actually ILL is horrible. The look on his face when I even hinted it...

... he has actually been good in the past about acknowledging that he was depressed. But he doesn't do anything about it. His best friend has been on anti-depressants for ages, and tried to commit suicide recently. I think X wants to distance himself completely from that category of mental state.

Look, you have a broken leg, stop running.
Look, you are depressed and it's damaging you (and me).

In my situation, my gf was really low in the self-esteem department and she "broke up" with her small group of friends over some petty issues. I felt like I was the only one who was there for her and had to be a rock. Eventually I felt resentment and a horrible weight on my shoulders and started to internalize everything as a depression of my own. I felt powerless to do anything and was afraid to talk about it candidly or bring up what I really felt that I needed (just a little bit of space) because I didn't want to scare her off or make her feel worse.

She mentioned a couple of times that she wanted to go to therapy but I never encouraged her and I never considered it for myself. I just sort of let it slip away because all of the frustration, pressure and depression had been building up inside of me to the point where I couldn't even figure out my true feelings for her. She interpreted my actions as indifference, which I suppose they were in a way. I really just wanted her to be happy but never took any concrete action because I figured it was inevitable and we just weren't right for one another. By the time I realized that I still loved her we were in the middle of a horrendous summerlong breakup. Now, years down the line, I still feel like I could have saved an amazing relationship or at least left with a better taste in my mouth knowing that I put a real effort into something I truly cared about...

Sorry for my long cautionary tale, but I've learned that depression (even when it is not your own!) is a problem you can do something about when maybe your instinct is to be blame it on factors that are beyond your control. When I started going to counseling, I was kicking myself for not doing sooner... In any case, best of luck with everything and let us know how it goes!

hope this helps

It's like being on a rollercoaster and being unable to see that the roller coaster is there. To the person experiencing this, it is the world that bobs up and down, not their moods. This is one of the most frightening and confusing sympoms of mental problems - it is your brain that tells you what is wrong with you and/or the world, and yet it is your brain that is broken!

What Alex K. suggests sound very much like a good idea and a good solution.

Also, get support for yourself. I don't know who you are so can't give specific suggestions, but obviously family and friends are important, and you can see your doctor too. And if you are even vaguely regular here there will undoubtedly be people who care and will be glad to provide a shoulder and a kind word - you'll have a fair idea who they are, I hope.

And I second the outside help thing. I don't know if this would help anyone with fear of being called crazy except me, but its ok to go your Dr and tell them that you must have something physically wrong cos you're tired and seem to keep crying, and if they're a good Dr eventually they'll talk you into this being maybe a depression type thing. It's just easier to go to the Dr to start with thinking "I have a virus" or whatever.

good luck. sleep well.

(I trust you wouldn't, but I'm relaying a deep, dark past personal experience here)

Obviously one feeds the other and it can be a bit chicken n egg, but it may be at least worth considering. Although broaching "I think you have a drinking problem" is probably even more delicate and difficult than "I think you're depressed" so keep that in mind... and good luck.

along these lines (I think) is that it's damaging to trivialize their concerns. My partner would often say things like "be happy!" "stop being sad" and "stop it then" that sounded as if he thought I should/could just snap out of it, but you need to come up with specific things or acknowledge that you make small steps of progress and that set-backs are just set-backs.

This is troubling me. I once hurt someone very deeply because they took my problems more seriously then they were, I still could, without realising. This isn't a matter of not taking their problems seriously, but if they can switch off, and you can't then that way madness lies. Is it just alcohol which causes them to forget these night-long crying jags? Then is it alcohol which is causing them? (please no cries of insensitivity here, this isn't what I think per se, I'm just trying to explore one facet of the problem). It sounds to me like you're making all the running here, is all. Full on depression does make the simplest task seem the hardest thing in the world, and you can't make anyone do anything they don't want to do it just that....but this turn off and onable problem. I really don't know.

'course then we hit this roleset and when they were in a difft. place I think the "bad stuff" we'd been through was tied into how we related and hence I got left behind. which makes me want to be more bitter than I am.

OK, the alcohol thing. He doesn't drink a lot, on the contrary, it's that he has a bad reaction when he does. All the really bad crying happens when he's been drinking. HE says it's JUST a reaction to alcohol; I think alcohol is the trigger which releases suppressed emotions.

Hence the turn off and onable ness... which is what hurts me more than anything because I totally don't experience my own emotions like that and can't understand how someone can.

I mentioned to him last night that I might think about some counselling for me, stressing that it's no big deal, lots of my friends have found it really helpful with all kinds of things etc, and his first response was 'I've made you need COUNSELLING?' But in the end he seemed to accept that it was an ok thing to want. He mentioned missing his best friend (who moved away) as the only person who's not me that he can talk to/cry with/get hugs from. If he can find another person to do that with, whether counsellor or friend, I think we'll both feel better.

This morning he insisted again that it's just drink and he won't drink any more. But he's still sad and needed lots of affection and reassurance - he thinks it's his external circs (financial/job problems) but really that's just about perception isn't it? Some people can be at rock-bottom objectively and still feel happy.

It's helped him a lot to read this and realise that other people do it and go through it every day.

From the insider's point of view, I have no idea what I want when I know I need someone. That's what makes being the partner of someone with depression seem like the most thankless task in the world. My SO has stuck by me through some very bad times, and I can shrug it off like it never happened. He can try to help, and whatever he does is wrong as far as I'm concerned at the time.

However, it's only at the time. The fact that he is there gives me comfort the rest of the time, and I thank my lucky stars every day that he's strong enough to do that and to stay with me when I feel I'm driving him away.

What Isadora said. Keep loving them. If you can, and if he'll let you. Get help. Get counselling, separately or together. Talk to each each other. Stay strong.

And good luck :)

You can't fix him. He has to fix himself by seeking help. And you have to protect yourself, or you may well find yourself in a completely different quandry when he becomes rageful that you can't fix him or his financial problems. When he focuses upon YOU as the source of his misery (because your presence doesn't fix things), you may find yourself at the receiving end of an abusive manic-depressive; and then YOU will be the suicidal one that needs therapy. RUN.

if you care about someone, you help them, as long as the cost to you doesn't seem prohibitive. period.

Person who emailed... I don't think you emailed me.

I think it is positive that are you turning to us for help, as it's vital not to get lost in it alone. I hope that you are also able to find someone in real life to talk to and maybe get a hug or two.

If this is all about dealing with people on the board, you should just try to ignore them or poke a bit back at them in good humour. Chat up ILXors that you do get along with and don't let the others mess with your brain or your heart. Even if these folks are complete assholes, I still doubt that they mean to hurt you as much as you're feeling it.

(Marcello, I don't think Sarah means this thread in specific)

Um, I'm feeling more than usually scared and helpless. X is still not 100% and although he decided to see a doctor in the new year, he hasn't yet. We're in one of the phases where it's 'I think I might be too sad to wash up/buy bread etc' and although I emphathise as I have had times myself when I could barely cross the room, it's hard not to get stressed. Especially as I am also going crazy with financial worry and dividing my brain between studies and job.

And just before Christmas my dad told me that he is suffering from depression too. He wouldn't talk any more than that though.

How many more people I love are going to develop an illness that I can do NOTHING to help with?

So I've had a pretty rough Saturday night. I live with a friend who I've known since I was 13 years old. He's always been known as a bit of a recluse, but a nice fellow all round - extremely bright, very intelligent and I love him to bits.

So tonight we got a couple of our mates around for a drink, people we'd both gone to school with and started reminiscing about the old days, and a few people we'd known at school. Something set him off. He literally went apeshit and threatened to kill us. I suggested we go for a walk and cool off and once we were outside he got worse. He accused us of ganging up on him and got very threatening, then stormed off.

This, with anyone else in this case would be close to acceptable behaviour after several drinks. Remembering of course that my friend is currently under a lot of stress. His grandmother of 92 is in hospital with a broken hip and there are a lot of complications going on amongst his family as to whether to stay on public or private healthcare. Another thing is he may be borderline aspergic and something like this is just enough to break his back.

I know you guys don't know him. But I've had the worst night in a long time and all I wish I could do was sit down with him and sort things out with him. Sadly, that's not the guy he is. Together as friends we were all really upset about him, and I feel pretty bad about writing this on a public messageboard but it's the only way I know. The guy is unlike anyone you've probably ever met - supersmart yet totally insular unless ofcourse he gets drunk. But in all the years I've known him I've never ever ever seen him go off on one anything close to this.

I feel I need to talk to him but I can't belittle his trust or our own friendship. The guy is smart enough to know if I'm talking down to him in any way. Plus tomorrow he'll wake up feeling bad about what he said to us, but I know his pride will not acknowledge an apology. Instead he'll lock himself up and drive himself crazy until the next time.

And the reason I am typing this post is to welcome any advice into how I can approach him on Sunday evening or later this week because he has needed help for longer than anyone can imagine.

Thanks ILX.