Bullying: I *think* I'm being bullied

I don't know what the approved way for dealing with bullying actually is. I can tell you what definitely works for me. If it doesn't work for you, drop it and try something else. Here it is.

First, learn the art of being gently intimidating. Bullies never bully anyone who they think may be their match - on any level. Make your accent posher. Make it so posh that you appear to be of a higher social class than him. Play up on it whenever you need to put him in his place. Cross your legs and be more overtly 'feminine'. If he's trying hard to imply you're less of a man, accuse him of flirting with you - but accuse him playfully, like you know his type. Make jokes about what happens to straight men after a few beers - about why men play physical contact sports etc. Imply ever so ambiguously that he's a closet case, especially when he pats you on the back. But always do this playfully, like you like him. When you make routine mistakes, turn it around by saying that routine jobs are not your forte - they're for less intelligent people. Then tell him he's really good at routine jobs - playfully. Continue to tease him in this way. Note his mistakes.

If you find yourself getting angry, which will happen, best to use the anger like this: become such a seething pot of fury that he dare not come near you. Don't throw things or lose your temper. Become angry in the way that people become when you dare not disturb them. Make him walk on eggshells around you when you're angry. Stare him down, glare at him with obvious murderous intent. Bullies hate this, it freaks them out and they go right back into their shells. Remember, he's a coward and will only pick on you when you're trying to stay cheerful. Cowards never, never provoke anyone they think might explode. Then, when you're feeling better, act like it never happened. This last bit is essential. Be cheerful when he's cheerful. Reinforce his good moods. Punish his bad moods or any undesireable behaviour with instant but craftily subtle humiliation. I guarantee he will learn fast.

Once he's learned to behave himself, you can loosen up and start being your nice normal self again, in strict doses as long as he doesn't backslide.

There is no escape. He is a bad boss. Whatever you do will not change that. Quit, move on and find another work enviroment you are comfortable in. It's not difficult.

He's plainly an arsehole and a nasty piece of work, and your best bet is to get away from him as soon as you can.

If you can answer these qs I could give better advice, but I would say that regardless, you have to face up to him and let him know that you will not tolerate any more of this.

James, this subject is close to my heart as I was bullied for years and finally learned how to deal with bullies. I am never bullied any more. You need to understand that bullies are cowards. They are the most fearful people on earth - unlike you, they are even afraid of themselves. The bullying it to create a bulwark against their own self doubt.
I don't know what the approved way for dealing with bullying actually is. I can tell you what definitely works for me. If it doesn't work for you, drop it and try something else. Here it is.

First, learn the art of being gently intimidating. Bullies never bully anyone who they think may be their match - on any level. Make your accent posher. Make it so posh that you appear to be of a higher social class than him. Play up on it whenever you need to put him in his place. Cross your legs and be more overtly 'feminine'. If he's trying hard to imply you're less of a man, accuse him of flirting with you - but accuse him playfully, like you know his type. Make jokes about what happens to straight men after a few beers - about why men play physical contact sports etc. Imply ever so ambiguously that he's a closet case, especially when he pats you on the back. But always do this playfully, like you like him. When you make routine mistakes, turn it around by saying that routine jobs are not your forte - they're for less intelligent people. Then tell him he's really good at routine jobs - playfully. Continue to tease him in this way. Note his mistakes.

If you find yourself getting angry, which will happen, best to use the anger like this: become such a seething pot of fury that he dare not come near you. Don't throw things or lose your temper. Become angry in the way that people become when you dare not disturb them. Make him walk on eggshells around you when you're angry. Stare him down, glare at him with obvious murderous intent. Bullies hate this, it freaks them out and they go right back into their shells. Remember, he's a coward and will only pick on you when you're trying to stay cheerful. Cowards never, never provoke anyone they think might explode. Then, when you're feeling better, act like it never happened. This last bit is essential. Be cheerful when he's cheerful. Reinforce his good moods. Punish his bad moods or any undesireable behaviour with instant but craftily subtle humiliation. I guarantee he will learn fast.

Once he's learned to behave himself, you can loosen up and start being your nice normal self again, in strict doses as long as he doesn't backslide.

― colin s barrow (colin s barrow), Saturday, 5 July 2003 11:54 (11 years ago)

what a fuckin nuts post

"the best thing to do is to develop an empty, glassy stare that makes your boss think you have become inhabited by Pazuzu"

So I have this new job that I very much like, but I am seeing the very first signs of being bullied by one of my coworkers. I've been bullied in high school so I can recognize some patterns. Also, emotionally, I cannot have this happen to me again. The problem is that I just can't afford to quit at the moment, nor do I want to suffer some blow to my reputation (film industry is a small affair). I am thinking of discussing this with my boss, but heh, she'll side with the bully.

Bullies, in my experience, are the biggest pussies in the world wrt people who stand up for themselves and show that they're unwilling to be pushed around. Because I've always been a smaller person (and, thusly, an obvious target for bullies) but I've also always had a v low threshold for bullshit, so nascent bullying has always remained just that. I'm not sure how standing up for yourself would translate in your specific work environment.

@Van Horn Street, hope you're okay. It's a shit minefield. For the official route to work, they have to do something that is officially against the rules, but the rules on paper are often subject to interpretation on the fly by authority figures. Meanwhile they can get away with doing loads of stuff against you but keeping just within the rules.

It's worth noting stuff down as it gets said or done, so you've got a record with dates and times, etc., and show how their behaviour impacts on you the worker and on company profits. Of course I say that, but I never had the foresight to do it in practice.

Really sorry to hear about that. I hope the perks of the job can prevent it from getting to you too much. I agree that keeping a papertrail of everything is a good idea, and as far as possible just trying to ignore them. Monosyllabic responses and formal exchanges only and hopefully they'll just tire of their own horrible behaviour.

HR or its equivalent can only defend you properly if you document your experiences. That means contacting them and letting them know. If this comes back to bite them they are opening themselves up to a workplace retaliation suit.

Yeah part of the difficult dynamic is that we are only four employees (and severely understaffed), standing up to it would undermine the whole organization. Plus I don't have the guts at this point (which is part of why it makes me feel horrible). On top of that is that I am very scared of earning a reputation I don't deserve (double edged sword). Keeping records is something that I'm going to do. All doing the monosyllabic response and keeping it formal for the moment. Discussed it with my family and they think if the situation worsens or continue, well just leaving this job is the best thing to do, they gave me a wider perspective on things.

Thanks for the advice guys, this is why I truly love ilm.

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