My Scatalogical Night

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I went to bed around one thirty, as per usual. Unfortunately there was ominous bass sounds from upstairs somewhere, so I went to sleep on the futon in the other room. I awoke two hours later with back pain, and went into the bedroom, where bass had ceased, but now I realised my largeintestine was giving me a real fight. I pushed it a lot but to no releif.
FInally i sat on the crapper but it was a sad experience and there was much constipation. I think this may have been due to the use of both Pepto Bismal (Rite Aid "Pink Bismuth") AND benefiber use, and Atkins diet-like eating. Anyways, I tried many laxitive approaches, like diet coke. I eventually tried to go back to sleep at 8 AM, but awoke around ten and the ominous bass was back. Now I have to work at 1 and I feel quite shit.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think overall, the reason I have been using benefiber and pepto is I have been having huge doses of caffeine on an empty stomch, sending me into colon spasms. From now on , I think if I have the huge caffeine doses with some eats I wll be goloden.

― Mike Hanle y (mike), Tuesday, 22 July 2003 14:24 (twenty-three years ago)

+5 Informative

― fields of salmon (fieldsofsalmon), Tuesday, 22 July 2003 14:29 (twenty-three years ago)

+5 Informative

What is this, Slashdot?

― caitlin (caitlin), Tuesday, 22 July 2003 14:33 (twenty-three years ago)

he didn't need a slash as much.

― RJG (RJG), Tuesday, 22 July 2003 14:35 (twenty-three years ago)

Most terrifying thread evah.

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Tuesday, 22 July 2003 14:35 (twenty-three years ago)

are you off the wheat-free diet then hanle y?

― teeny (teeny), Tuesday, 22 July 2003 14:36 (twenty-three years ago)

I am routinely amazed at how effective a single cigarette is at coaxing my bowel. That said, I've always been 'regular' and haven't needed to try anything else.

― Aaron A., Tuesday, 22 July 2003 14:36 (twenty-three years ago)

I am routinely amazed at how effective a single cigarette is at coaxing my bowel.

...

― fields of salmon (fieldsofsalmon), Tuesday, 22 July 2003 14:40 (twenty-three years ago)

then poop comes out

― Aaron A., Tuesday, 22 July 2003 14:41 (twenty-three years ago)

I adore the Hanle y Deus.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 22 July 2003 14:45 (twenty-three years ago)

drop a deuce.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Tuesday, 22 July 2003 14:47 (twenty-three years ago)

Have you ever ... lost the cigarette?

― fields of salmon (fieldsofsalmon), Tuesday, 22 July 2003 15:04 (twenty-three years ago)

"lost"? wuddya mean "lost the cigarette"? like, in a fire??

― t\'\'t (t\'\'t), Tuesday, 22 July 2003 15:10 (twenty-three years ago)

um, the nicotine is probably the catalyst, i'm sorry

― Aaron A., Tuesday, 22 July 2003 15:15 (twenty-three years ago)

Yes, the wheat free diet is gone. Now its the eat the worst fats known to man diet because I read a book that says they are good
bacon
eggs
chocolate
olive oil
lard
butter
whole milk

― Mike Hanle y (mike), Tuesday, 22 July 2003 15:15 (twenty-three years ago)

I am routinely amazed at how effective a single cigarette is at coaxing my bowel.

Am I the only one pissing myself with laughter over this?

― fields of salmon (fieldsofsalmon), Tuesday, 22 July 2003 15:20 (twenty-three years ago)

yes, its somewhat swarmy of a statement, but also elegant. I can imagine an animated Joe Camel saying this.

― Mike Hanle y (mike), Tuesday, 22 July 2003 15:22 (twenty-three years ago)

im in the same boat as Aaron. Usually after my morning cigarette, Im clean as a whistle.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Tuesday, 22 July 2003 15:24 (twenty-three years ago)

perhaps I should try. I assume the cigarete is inserted in the anus?

― Mike Hanle y (mike), Tuesday, 22 July 2003 15:31 (twenty-three years ago)

yep, light it too.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Tuesday, 22 July 2003 15:33 (twenty-three years ago)

and by all means save some money and use generics for this purpose...

― Aaron A., Tuesday, 22 July 2003 15:36 (twenty-three years ago)

maybe some menthols will give you an extra anal cooling sensation, chill down the roids.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Tuesday, 22 July 2003 15:46 (twenty-three years ago)

anal cooling sensation

What a terrific band name. Let me call my drummer ...

― fields of salmon (fieldsofsalmon), Tuesday, 22 July 2003 16:02 (twenty-three years ago)

I see a market for Manpons(TM)!

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 22 July 2003 21:58 (twenty-three years ago)

"Bob, do you sometimes feel... not so fresh?"

"Jesus, Dave, I'm trying to take a crap here!"

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 22 July 2003 22:00 (twenty-three years ago)

"And for the man who needs more, the Mangar"

― Mike Hanle y (mike), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 01:22 (twenty-three years ago)

YOU ARE DISTURBING ME

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 01:25 (twenty-three years ago)

ditch the pepto, caffeine and other "foods". remember if you are going to take that benefiber (& i think it's a good idea), drink lots of water. also remember to drink no diet coke.

― ron (ron), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 01:56 (twenty-three years ago)

Don't believe all that Atkins bullshit dude. All that stuff that people "used to" think was bad for you really is bad for you. Just stop eating all the nasty crap and start eating mostly fruits and vegetables like a rational person. Beans. Eat a lot of beans.

― Dan I., Wednesday, 23 July 2003 03:00 (twenty-three years ago)

whats so great about beans? they are feeble litle pebbles.

― Mike Hanle y (mike), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 03:15 (twenty-three years ago)

Damn, I was going to look up the Kranky Muffins site for their fart-blast muffins...oh wait, let me check something...

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 03:18 (twenty-three years ago)

whats so great about beans? they are feeble litle pebbles.

If you dont eat 'em, feeble little pebbles is all you'll be shittin'.

― Trayce (trayce), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 03:19 (twenty-three years ago)

Nope, gone with the wind...

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 03:20 (twenty-three years ago)

Yeah, but the Atkin's diet isn't supposed to be telling you what's good for you. It's telling you how to get thin by eating crap, it just doesn't mention the fact that you are going to clog up your arteries like a motherfucker.

― Chewshabadoo (Chewshabadoo), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 03:26 (twenty-three years ago)

and your, uh how do you say? ah yes, rectum

― ron (ron), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 03:47 (twenty-three years ago)

rectum? damn near killed 'em

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 03:49 (twenty-three years ago)

*rimshot*

― luna (luna.c), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 06:20 (twenty-three years ago)

have we talked about the "arse-quake" on ILM?

― Spencer Chow (spencermfi), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 06:22 (twenty-three years ago)

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