If you were to buy someone from ILE a present, who would it be for and what would it be?

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as promised/threatened from anthony's "what should i do this afternoon" thread.

― katie, Saturday, 22 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

buying for ricky t would be eeaaasy so that doensn't count. i would probably cook a fabulous veggie curry for sarah, or something bee- related for ethan.

― katie, Saturday, 22 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

All I want is money. I'll buy my own stinkin' present! :-)

― Tadeusz Suchodolski, Saturday, 22 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I'm so glad I didn't start this thread, as I now have an excuse to inform you all that my 21st birthday is on the 12th of October, ha ha.

― DG, Saturday, 22 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I will buy DG nothing because he is smug. ;-) I will say rather that I *have* bought some regular posters on here some presents, because they are Good People and I want them to know it. :-)

― Ned Raggett, Saturday, 22 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I'm not smug! I are going to cry now. *sob*

― DG, Saturday, 22 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I pity you. *does so* And that's about it.

― Ned Raggett, Saturday, 22 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I'd buy me a river. No actually cry me a river is the phrase I was looking for. I can't see how it has any relevence to this thread but.............I can't even wittily finish this posting.................no change there.

― Ronan, Saturday, 22 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

a plaster mould of my willie for everybody

― Geoff, Saturday, 22 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I would buy Maryann her very own road. It would be a nice black asphalt, with double yellow lines and a sign saying "Maryanns Road, Keep Off All You Jaywalking Punks". Also, daisies and buttercups growing on each side and a lemonade stand at the halfway point.

― rainy, Saturday, 22 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

i'd buy the world a coke.

(presumably, that would include all the il*ers.)

― jess, Saturday, 22 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I would give everyone polaroids of pretty urban details.
I have a present for Suzy, but she does not seem to want it,

― anthony, Sunday, 23 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

that's cos suzy wants a blender.

― Ed, Sunday, 23 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

If anyone needs suggestions as to what to buy Paul and I, well, a new washing machine would do us very nicely! (damned repairmen... come in and fiddle around with it for five minutes, and it runs perfectly... the moment he leaves, washing machine collapses, blowing all the fuses in the kitchen. This has now happened twice. ARGH!)

― Kate the Saint, Monday, 24 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Kate the answer is to wash your clothes in the BATH with a BIG STICK if you have one. If not, the Arsemonkey has resorted to a hammer, and the clothes drying... horse... thing.

If anyone would like to buy the inhabitants of our flat something, a personal FIXER DUDE would be good so they can fix our hot water so our NEW washing machine can actually work. Ho hum sigh.

Katie - I seem to have a lot of the ingredients for a vegetable curry according to RickyT. I MIGHT JUST DO IT. Then again, I'm scared. If you'd seen my cooking, you'd understand why...

I would buy TOM a few razors. I would buy Pete vvv strong underarm deoderant so the minnestrone nightmare would end. I would buy NIGHTMARE NICK some holy water so he could control the DEVIL INSIDE OF HIM. I'd buy RickyT margaritas. I'd buy Anthony a butter pie and some poncey rag from the Tate Modern. I'd buy Suzy a pineapple. I would buy Paul SPACE CHANNEL FIVE TWO!!! and some diet coke. I would buy Kate a dirty dronerock boys dirty pants. I'd buy MOMUS a big afro wig so he would look like Afro Ken and I would buy Josh a romantic date for two with a date of MY CHOICE.

I'd buy Ethan something really cool too but I don't know what!

― Sarah, Monday, 24 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Sheesh. Very long response. I'd buy Robinson some Y-Fronts with Penguins on them. I'd buy the Pinefox a matching pair, too.

― Sarah, Monday, 24 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

A blender? Oh yes I do want one. My fabulous blender drinks-making skills improved still further at Carnival.

I would buy:

An ICA membership for Sarah. A bigger flat for Kate and Paul. A mortar and pestle for Ed so he can graduate from buying Thai paste and properly grind up Other Things which come from Thailand. A tour of Paisley Park for Dan. A 'blind' thrift shopping spree for Nick; the idea would be to put * another* patch over the Good Eye and give him the task of selecting clothes from Domsey's only by touch. Then he'd have to wear them and I would be entertained. Again. Strange tobacco for the DG. A Viktor&Rolf suit for Anthony. Singing lessons for Emma that allow her to tune that Raw London Edge. A beer hat for Tom. And because I have to buy myself something when out shopping for others, unlimited maid service.

― suzy, Monday, 24 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Suzy there is a gift here wrapped up all nice for the head .
If you feel comfortable you can mail me your shipping adress

― anthony, Monday, 24 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Damn I need that ICA membership. No ICA membership = me sending out co-worker with strict orders "get me something unhealthy for my poor brane". ICA membership = aaah, blessed lunchtime civilisation and perhaps the sexxxy barman. Shivers in glee.

I'd buy Fred a big floppy hat. T'd be HEWGE. I'd buy Ally K a Richey Manic cuddly toy. I'd buy Ally C SOME CHIPS.

Can you tell it be lunchtime?

― Sarah, Monday, 24 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Curses. Now I want chips and I have already eaten my sorry Boots sandwich.

― Richard Tunnicliffe, Monday, 24 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I'd buy Katie a pair of vegan boots.

That's a pair of boots made out of materials suitable for vegan use (i.e. an animal has not been used at any point)

It's not a pair of boots made out of vegans.

At least, I hope not. Katie?

― Will McKenzie, Monday, 24 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Ah, Mr McKenzie, you are too late. Katie went and got some arsekicking vegan boots from Brighton a mere two days ago.

― Richard Tunnicliffe, Monday, 24 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

OK - I'd use the vegan boots money to buy Katie and Ricky T and Amos a record token because I've never heard of the bands they like. Then they can rock around the Bush (Shepherd's Bush, that is - don't be cheap).

― Will McKenzie, Monday, 24 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

so suzy i give you a plaster cast of my dick and get nothing in return - oh well, you give nothing, you get nothing...ouch.

― Geoff, Monday, 24 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I'd buy Ally K. a decent beer, congratulate her on her engagement, and apologise for sarcastic remarks made elsewhere.

― stevo, Monday, 24 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

no one has bought me anything yet and i hate you all.

(do you know how much all that coke cost? even with my vendors discount??)

― jess, Monday, 24 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

You should be grateful Jess as these are not real presents but VEILED INSULTS e.g. Suzy's 'kind' offer to buy me singing lessons.

― Emma, Monday, 24 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I would buy Ally a tape measure so she can see that her ass isn't that big. Snap.

― JM, Monday, 24 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I would buy you all a singing telegram each. A barber shop one. I just think it would be pretty spectacular. What would it sing? Haven't decided yet.

― Ronan, Monday, 24 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

A tour of Paisley Park would be SO COOL. I can't even think of a good gift in return. Maybe several pounds of fresh Boston seafood. Bah, I suck.

― Dan Perry, Monday, 24 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Jimmy talks about my ass more than I do. I think he has a crush on me.

I'd buy you all autographed pictures of me, in frames from Pottery Barn. Preferably the picture Otis has framed on his desk - he knows the one, the wankiest picture ever taken. Failing that I'd buy you all a drink at Caprice.

― Ally, Monday, 24 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

If I dont want the picture can I have the drink? Or both?

― Ronan, Monday, 24 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Em, there's a difference between a joke and an insult. Why on earth would I insult you for real? Paranoid!

― suzy, Monday, 24 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I would buy Madchen a uniform. I'm thinking 40's style WAC threds, with darts and stuff.

― Tracer Hand, Monday, 24 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Tracer, that sounds lovely! Can I have it if Madchen doesn't want it? I look good in darts.

― Samantha, Monday, 24 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Ronan, for you, anything.

― Ally, Monday, 24 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

No presents for me, I see. Ho hum.

I would buy you all robots. Big human destroying robots. And dinosaurs. Big carnivorous dinosaurs. And then we would see which was best for once and for all, and I would remain at home, laughing with my picture of a kitty cat hanging from a tree, saying 'oh shit', and a big-eyed seal cub, and puppies in boots, and a half-naked man holding a baby.

The robot and dinosaur apocalypse is starting to sound a lot more pleasant, actually.

― emil.y, Monday, 24 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

You dont want to offer me anything, next thing you know I'll be getting sick in your house having drank your beer or something. Not that this has ever happened.

― Ronan, Monday, 24 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

For Hanle y I would purchase Duchamp's "Urinal" in appreciation of his continuation of the legacy of dada. Or perhaps just a port-o- potty, and the Duchamp would go to IL*'s resident art connoisseur (and the owner of a head called Yves) Anthony. For the rest of you: yarn.

― Mitch Lastnamewithheld, Monday, 24 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I'm sick of the damn urinal. I'd smash it.

And I'd buy y'all cheesecake. Fruit cheesecake.

― Maria, Monday, 24 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I wish I looked good in darts. Or even in parts.

Ally is right about the Mod and the crush - it's obvious.

Why buy me penguins? Shows lack of imagination after buying them for the Captain. Buy me one of Lloyd's old lyric notebooks or something, that would show some devotion.

― the pinefox, Monday, 24 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

For the Pinefox: the ultra-rare Lloyd Cole live bootleg version of "Bootylicious".

― Mitch Lastnamewithheld, Monday, 24 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

and a bag of blue words .

― Mitch Lastnamewithheld, Monday, 24 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Wow.

― the pinefox, Monday, 24 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I need to buy everyone more gifts, then somebody would suggest a nice thing for me. :-( AN UNLIMITED EXPENSE ACCOUNT AT AMOEBA RECORDS IS ALL I ASK! And every DVD released by Criteirion.

― Ned Raggett, Monday, 24 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

you can have a scarab beetle, a bag of fireworks and some pistachio nuts.

― rainy, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I'd buy Hanle y a harmonica and an amoeba.

― Tadeusz Suchodolski, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I would give momus a recording session with Britney and Christnia
I would give Pinefox an hour with Lloyd Cole
I Would give Ally a prewar apartment on the upper west side
I would give Ned the keys to Clear Channel
I would bring Penny the head of Tristan Tzara
I would give Kate a brothel full of dirty drone rock boys
I would cure Ronan of his shingles and buy him a few acres in county cork
I would give Dan his own Orchestra and unlimited acess to Paisley Park
I would give Suzy editorship of french vouge
I would give Arthur his own movie studio
I would let Steve-o the first ride in the time machien back to the wiemar
The ghost of Fouccult would host an orgy full of englsih decadents in windsor castle for Geoff
I would give Pete his own club and no luggers
I would let nude spock finally mount kirk
I would let Nitsuh host his own roundtable on PBS but with more mud wrestling
I would give emma the perfect bed and elimante all miso soup from her life
I would make sure woman and men respected and loved each other for di
i know i have missed rainy and duane and a bunch of others give me a bit.

― anthony, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Hands off, Samantha, I like the sound of that uniform. I have some stockings with seams up the back which will go very nicely with it. In return, Tracer, I will give you a small, silver box with something mysterious in it.

― Madchen, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Ooooh where do you get stockings with seams, I want some for my 1950s secretary look?

Thanks for the bed, Anthony, I really need it right now........

― Emma, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Emma: I think Wolford do some pricey ones but alternatively the John Lewis hosiery dept. have them very near the fishnets. Good luck!

― suzy, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Great.......my cousin with whom I am very good friends lives in Cork, how did you know? Yes getting rid of the shingles would be a good call too.

― Ronan, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Yup, I got mine from John Lewis. They're made by Jonathan Aston (incidentally, I found Jonathan Aston hosiery to be cheaper in John Lewis than in yer scummy Topshop).

― Madchen, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Ha ha not if you buy Jonathan Aston hosiery in a sample sale where all accessories = 50p hence my insanely large collection of impractical and unwearable hosiery. Fishnets are very uncomfortable round the toes.

― Emma, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Also John Lewis are Never Knowingly Undersold so must undercut us.

― Emma, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Wow, sexy thread. Better than any of the really filthy ones (sorry).

At the risk of treading on Tracer's toes, I want to augment his gift by giving Madchen a silver trombone, so she can be in one of those wartime all-girl jazz bands.

― chris, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Strange how one of Madchen's favourite films is 'Some Like It Hot'.

― Ally C, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Ooooh where do you get stockings with seams, I want some for my 1950s secretary look?

Mine are from Victoria's Secret. They are good quality (and thigh highs, always a plus when wearing sexy stockings as opposed to work stockings), but they are too expensive (I think $18 was what I paid). You can get some at Urban Outfitters and also at Ricky's, but this does not help girls in England, unfortunately - sorry Emma. So as your pressie, I will go to Ricky's and buy you seamed stockings.

Ronan: Now you listen up, NO ONE EVER GETS DRUNK ON BEER AT MY PLACE. Honestly. You cannot get drunk unless it's off of something like vodka or Blackhaus or Goldschlager, it's the apartment rule. It makes the vomiting so much more dramatic.

I love Some Like It Hot myself, but now can no longer watch it after my roomie decided it was a film about me, Ramon, and Otis. We've also decided the new Bruce Willis/Billy Bob Thornton/Cate Blanchett movie is about us, the one about bank robbers. That's way more accurate, I think.

― Ally, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

To stop fishnets being uncomfortable, wear socks underneath them. This isn't a good look with strappy sandals, but it doesn't matter if you have boots on. Wear knee-high socks under fishnets under knee- high boots to stop calf pain if you, like me, have calves that cannot be said to 'swim' in knee-high boots (if only, sigh). I realised I should have done this this last night when I took off my boots and discovered a sore, red, indented grid all over my legs. Ouch.

― Madchen, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I was forced to hike in fishnets and 1940's peek-a-boo toe heels once. In Hippieville. I also had on a pencil skirt and a wrap shirt. It was also pouring rain. And I "slept" in these clothes. I still haven't forgiven my S.O., roomie, or good friend who all forced me to do this. It was the worst thing ever. The moral of this story is that the toes of the fishnets got all stretched out and awful because of my toes constantly going thru them, and I had to buy new ones. ARGH.

Best way I've found to prevent this is to wear stockings underneath the fishnets, but my toes don't usually go thru the fishnets except under extreme conditions.

― Ally, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Oh, and thank you for the trombone, Chris. Nice big mouthpiece - I'm no good with little trumpety ones. Have you realised that, in casting me, a madchen, as a wartime soldier girl, you are making me into an evil nazi? Perhaps I could be like Helga in Allo Allo.

― Madchen, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

i would prefer to think of you as a resistance spy ala hogans heroes madchen. ;)

― jess, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Goldschlager will do just fine. Anything would.

― Ronan, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Ugh, don't get me started on the Goldschlager story. I should drink that all the time.

― Ally, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I honestly wasn't thinking Germanic, Madchen, despite your moniker. Thoroughly English, quasi-military trad jazz babe in a smart uniform and seamed stockings and oh god can you all please stop now?

― chris, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I give you all the gift of my amazing intelligence and wit :)

― jel, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

*ILE* stashes that in the 'presents-we-have-already' box to give to somebody else next year :)

― Madchen, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Ahem.

― Madchen, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Madchen is a re-gifter!

― Ally, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Well, I'm not keen on choosing favourites, so I'm afraid it'd just be boring old *cash for everyone. :)

*if you didn't like cash, then I'd have to give you a puppy. Ok, ok, OR porn. sheesh.

― Kim, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Wait, who doesn't like cash? I'll take their cash!

I wanna give you all sugar sandwiches.

― Ally, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

ill take porn

― anthony, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

i won't

― duane, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

gimme cash to get heazlewood's guitar out of the pawn shop.

― duane, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

see how those answers are on 2 different days? that was 1 minute later. so , midnight = 4 o'clock. I'll get everybody the Signor Rossi album or the Position Normal album (on sale! still!)

― duane, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

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