accidental sideways spray while peeing standing up C/D?

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ok so why does this happen occassionaly, you're peeing in the toilet bowl or urinal, and for some reason you're penis decides not to work properly. the main flow of pee is still straight, but there is this spraying about 45 degrees away to the side of that, which can be very embarrasing if you're wearing light coloured trousers and you don't immediately take notice. i was once told by someone that this happens more often after sex/a wank session. is this god's way of bringing man back down to earth from his elation of the flesh? by making him pee all over himself? this strikes me as rather harsh punishment.

any stories/techniques for avoidance?

― Bob Shaw (Bob Shaw), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 11:05 (twenty-three years ago)

This doesn't happen to anyone else. You have a freakish penis and no woman will ever love you.

― NA (Nick A.), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 11:09 (twenty-three years ago)

Have you not seen Me, Myself & Irene?

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 11:10 (twenty-three years ago)

nope, i havent seen it.

― Bob Shaw (Bob Shaw), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 11:10 (twenty-three years ago)

pee naked

― David_X (David_X), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 11:10 (twenty-three years ago)

I hate this.

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 11:11 (twenty-three years ago)

I hate this.
the thread? or peeing all over yr white slacks?

― Bob Shaw (Bob Shaw), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 11:12 (twenty-three years ago)

It's generally shorts that I pee over. I have becoem so paranoid about it that if I can when wearing shorts I will use a cubicle and pee sitting down like godamn gurlygurl.

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 11:16 (twenty-three years ago)

the thing is women, well the women i know anyway, arent even aware that this is an unavoidable accidental problem. if you come out the loo with pee on you, they look at you like you're albert steptoe

― Bob Shaw (Bob Shaw), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 11:18 (twenty-three years ago)

tell them to aim it if they think it's so easy. (seriously)

― teeny (teeny), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 12:07 (twenty-three years ago)

Somewhere in this thread is a hilarious R. Kelly joke just waiting to burst forth.

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 12:09 (twenty-three years ago)

I doubt it.

― RJG (RJG), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 12:11 (twenty-three years ago)

lately peeing standing up has started to seem really uncivilized to me. have a seat, relax.

― g--ff c-nn-n (gcannon), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 12:20 (twenty-three years ago)

yes, but with one cubicle and a long urinal in many men's toilets, you have to stand around waiting for it to be vacant looking like yr importuning whilst desperate for a pee. that's pretty much as far from relaxed as it's possible to get.

― MarkH (MarkH), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 13:35 (twenty-three years ago)

Rogue urethra gnomes.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 13:40 (twenty-three years ago)

urinals need to be gotten rid of. but maybe they should leave one in each, vestigially, so that if you think you've walked into the wrong one, it's there to reassure you.

― g--ff c-nn-n (gcannon), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 13:47 (twenty-three years ago)

Perhaps the solution is a 360 degree urinal.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 13:56 (twenty-three years ago)

that you sit down in?

― g--ff c-nn-n (gcannon), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 14:14 (twenty-three years ago)

I leave that up to the designers.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 14:17 (twenty-three years ago)

the worst type of urinals are the ones that are so poorly designed that pee actually sprays back at you and your clothes after hitting the porcelain. i mean didnt they think to test these things?

― Bob Shaw (Bob Shaw), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 14:18 (twenty-three years ago)

How about astronaut trousers, with a built-in urinal?

― j.lu (j.lu), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 14:19 (twenty-three years ago)

For Bob.

― NA (Nick A.), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 14:21 (twenty-three years ago)

also when are we gonna have that r kelly joke? did he actually use "accidental sideways spraying" as a line of defense?

― Bob Shaw (Bob Shaw), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 14:21 (twenty-three years ago)

Wow NA, you are my new hero!

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 14:25 (twenty-three years ago)

The Straight Dope has the answer to everything.

― NA (Nick A.), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 14:27 (twenty-three years ago)

(3) Give men something higher to shoot for. Now we're talking. Gary tells me that management at the international terminal of New York's Kennedy airport specified that the image of a black fly be printed on the porcelain at the center of the back wall of every urinal. When given a target, it seems, men instinctively aim at it. The fly was originally introduced at the Schiphol airport in Amsterdam, where it supposedly reduced spillage by 80 percent. Side benefit: Folks who've seen these urinals never again utter the cliche, "I wish I were a fly on the wall."

thats it im flying to amsterdam right now!
thanks for the great article NA too

― Bob Shaw (Bob Shaw), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 14:29 (twenty-three years ago)

Indeed, let us all praise the Straight Dope, personal source of enlightenment for me for fifteen years now. Long may it thrive.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 14:31 (twenty-three years ago)

did he actually use "accidental sideways spraying" as a line of defense?

it's even more fun to imagine the court transcripts from this section of the trial.

also, peeing in a trough makes it all worthwhile.

― Kingfish (Kingfish), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 14:38 (twenty-three years ago)

hehe, heres a story, i came home drunk on saturday, and it was just getting light, and i decided to take a pee at a street corner in ilford, in a quiet residential area, not far from where i live. and so i whip it out and get going. unfortunately i had not taken into account that the pavement was at a slight downward slant towards the road. so it mostly just hit the paving or the bottom of the wall and ran straight back down the pavement and surrounded my shoes in an ocean of yellowy horribleness.

― Bob Shaw (Bob Shaw), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 14:48 (twenty-three years ago)

i dunno what the morale of that story is? always carry a carpenters spirit level for pre-pee pavenment perusal perhaps?

― Bob Shaw (Bob Shaw), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 14:51 (twenty-three years ago)

Most frightening alliteration ever.

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 14:54 (twenty-three years ago)

it distracts from the spelling and grammatical errors of my first sentence.

― Bob Shaw (Bob Shaw), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 14:56 (twenty-three years ago)

the worst type of urinals are the ones that are so poorly designed that pee actually sprays back at you and your clothes after hitting the porcelain. i mean didnt they think to test these things?

Oh yah - they had a whole team on it: Allen Funt, Dina Eastwood, Jeremy Beadle, Andrea Dworkin. They had them working in shifts.

― N. (nickdastoor), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 14:56 (twenty-three years ago)

classic if next to someone smaller than you

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 14:57 (twenty-three years ago)

Which, in my case, is always.

― NA (Nick A.), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 15:02 (twenty-three years ago)

If you are having trouble peeing, do you do that thing Nicholson Baker suggests, of imagining pissing on the head of the guy next to you? I do.

― N. (nickdastoor), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 15:06 (twenty-three years ago)

i just think about r kelly

― Bob Shaw (Bob Shaw), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 15:06 (twenty-three years ago)

pissing on r kelly i mean

― Bob Shaw (Bob Shaw), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 15:07 (twenty-three years ago)

Funnily enough it is often R Kelly who is standing next to me putting me off.

― N. (nickdastoor), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 15:07 (twenty-three years ago)

he doesnt make the girls lie face up in the urinals does he?

― Bob Shaw (Bob Shaw), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 15:14 (twenty-three years ago)

I knew this guy who had a congenital defect where his urine always came out in a very fine mist, like a plant sprayer. There was some kind of urethra surgery he could get done but he was kind of freaked out about it so he just pissed sitting down.

― Octothorpe (Octothorpe), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 15:16 (twenty-three years ago)

one time I went into the gents at a restaurant and I was only going in to wash my hands; I didn't need to use the toilet at all. I walked in and there was a mexican by the sink. he was just standing, picking his nails. without thinking, I turned to the urinal and setup like I was going to pee. maybe I had hoped he would leave soon. but he didn't. maybe he was waiting. well, in the end I had managed to make myself urinate fully and the mexican left and I washed my hands.

― RJG (RJG), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 15:18 (twenty-three years ago)

For the original question, I think it makes a difference if the peeer is circumcised or not. The uncircumcised has less skin there to divert the intended spray. Also I think that after swimming in cold water preventing the sideways spray becomes a nearly impossible task.

― A Nairn (moretap), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 15:23 (twenty-three years ago)

this is pretty cool: http://www.freshette.com/

...reviewed here: http://www.bikergirl.net/products/freshette.html

― g--ff c-nn-n (gcannon), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 15:27 (twenty-three years ago)

Er, that depends on whether or not you retract your foreskin while peeing, surely?

― Chris P (Chris P), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 15:35 (twenty-three years ago)

How did RJG know the guy was Mexican?

― MarkH (MarkH), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 17:45 (twenty-three years ago)

I think it was the "I am Mexican" t-shirt that tipped him off.

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 17:46 (twenty-three years ago)

we were in mexico.

― RJG (RJG), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 18:17 (twenty-three years ago)

I had this happen recently after I, um, pleasured myself. I think there might have been partial blockage of the path.

What's almost as bad is P.U.D. or Post-Urine Drip.

― oops (Oops), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 19:57 (twenty-three years ago)

that should be Post-Urination Drip

― oops (Oops), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 19:57 (twenty-three years ago)

So at work right we sometimes get visitors from other government agencies who come around and ask dumb questions and get lost trying to find the cafeteria and act like it's weird to have all these youngsters like me running around in uniform being careless with the profanity. Like look at the stripes, asshole, we don't get paid enough to be polite. Fuck off, right?

My plan for making these fuckers feel properly unwelcome goes like this: We install all the urinals 5-6 feet off the ground, making it impossible to use them standing on the floor. Then we have a pulley system with stirrups so that you can hoist yourself into an upside-down position over your urinal of choice. When visitors come to use the loo, we have a specially trained crack team on hand to get into the stirrups, hoist themselves up, and micturate inverted into the urinal like it's all so much gravy. The visitor, assuming that it can't be that tough since these three random guys just did it right in front of him with such grace and ease, makes a valiant attempt. Some seconds later he's dripping with his own piss and the floor is a mess. You thought you could roll with us? Yeah. That's right, pee face. Time to badge out and go home.

Admittedly this only works on men.

― Millar (Millar), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 20:11 (twenty-three years ago)

Frank Skinner used to do a routine about this, highlighting that strange time when you get nothing going straight ahead and two streams going off at opposing angles. He points out that in the morning sunlight it can almost be beautiful.

Yes, it's certainly more common after sex/masturbation. Perhaps the smooth flow is impeded?

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 20:49 (twenty-three years ago)

I'm sure you can think of some other way to make the women vistors feel unwelcome.

― A Nairn (moretap), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 20:53 (twenty-three years ago)

Millar, that's so crazy it might just work!

― Spencer Chow (spencermfi), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 20:55 (twenty-three years ago)

Millar is so obviously the Freddie of the ILX Scooby Gang.

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 21:14 (twenty-three years ago)

Without going into graphic anatomic detail, I have a defective urethra where I actually have more than one opening so that I always pee with a splayed or entirely seperate and subordinate stream. Obviously, this is highly embarrassing, as is the way to fix it, because we're talking about penis-surgery here and if anyone's going to put knife to cock it's going to be to make it longer. Sitting to urinate is my choice, then, though of course public restrooms force me to go to the urinals, which I actually prefer because they are generally closer to the crotch and can "catch" the piss before it gets onto my pants.

As for you normals, there are a few causes to splayed streams. An erection will accentuate whatever urethral idiosyncrasies you have; the urethra is squeezed tighter, so it's like blocking off part of the opening of a hose. Same thing if you have residual semen with the blocking effect and all.

― Anne Ominous, Tuesday, 5 August 2003 21:50 (twenty-three years ago)

So I'm guessing a little solder wouldn't help your little soldier?

― Chris P (Chris P), Tuesday, 5 August 2003 23:55 (twenty-three years ago)

Ok, Dan, can I ask you what part of that plan is reminscent of Freddie to you?

― Ally (mlescaut), Wednesday, 6 August 2003 00:06 (twenty-three years ago)

I swear there was an episode where he did that exact same thing to Velma

― Curt1s St3ph3ns, Wednesday, 6 August 2003 00:48 (twenty-three years ago)

?!?!

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Wednesday, 6 August 2003 06:02 (twenty-three years ago)

Freddie was always the one who came up with the ridiculous Rebus traps for the ghosts; no sinister piss-fiend connotations, sorry.

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 6 August 2003 12:05 (twenty-three years ago)

The reason this happens after sex is because of post-coital jizz buildup in your penis eye. The only solution is to swab it out with a q-tip.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Wednesday, 6 August 2003 12:25 (twenty-three years ago)

(the real reason A Tribe Called Quest broke up...)

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 6 August 2003 12:26 (twenty-three years ago)

ah, and another toilet problem - toilet paper.
why do they design this for smoothness, when it is clearly having a negative effect on poo pickup rate. sometimes i have to use so much that it blocks the toilet up and i cant find the plunger so i have to reach in and risk touching poo. its goddamn useless, if i wanted smoothness id just wipe astroglide all over my arse.

― Bob Shaw (Bob Shaw), Wednesday, 6 August 2003 15:24 (twenty-three years ago)

reach in¡¡¡¡¡
like with your hand¿
like in the toilet¿
ha ha, you must be kidding.
you plug someones' toilet – it's their problem.

― dyson (dyson), Wednesday, 6 August 2003 17:24 (twenty-three years ago)

not if its a lady toilet, ladies have much less turbulent bowels than men, or so i have been lead to believe, and thus they wouldnt understand. whereas most of what i produce looks like kebab shop pickled gherkin.

― Bob Shaw (Bob Shaw), Wednesday, 6 August 2003 19:20 (twenty-three years ago)

Eat more veggies.

― Leee (Leee), Wednesday, 6 August 2003 19:49 (twenty-three years ago)

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