I don't want you to feel this way, so I'm just going to leave

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is this a completely insane sentiment? Do girls get this too? Have you had this shit happen to you from either perspective? I'm sorry I'm just drinking lots of PBR and remembering times I had that were shit. Let's all talk about it and feel bad together.

― Millar (Millar), Thursday, 7 August 2003 22:21 (twenty-two years ago)

Let's not. But I'll check back in on this thread in a couple of days when i'm ready to drink myself to death.

― Texas Sam (thatgirl), Thursday, 7 August 2003 22:23 (twenty-two years ago)

You mean you don't always feel like drinking yourself to death? Lucky.

― Jodi (Celerina), Thursday, 7 August 2003 22:47 (twenty-two years ago)

I got one for y'all:
I leaned in to kiss this girl
she said "don't. just don't."

this reminded me
of a time in high school when
the same damn thing happened

until my marriage
I was cursed to have girls say
"don't. just don't." to me

but it still hurts man
even after all this time
somewhere in my heart

― Haikunym (Haikunym), Thursday, 7 August 2003 23:56 (twenty-two years ago)

extra syllable
in that haiku was because
I'm just SO EMO

― Haikunym (Haikunym), Thursday, 7 August 2003 23:57 (twenty-two years ago)

Jodi I said when I was *ready*.

― Texas Sam (thatgirl), Friday, 8 August 2003 00:01 (twenty-two years ago)

I've certainly had peple say "I cant sit here and watch you be miserable/drink so much/act like a tool so I dont want to go out with you or even be around you, sorry, seeya" more than once. Made me very angry :(

― Trayce (trayce), Friday, 8 August 2003 00:05 (twenty-two years ago)

whilst i think it's not unreasonable to be angry, i also understand where they may coming from (obv in general, not specifically towards you).

i know i couldn't bear to be around someone being heroically self-destructive, ESPECIALLY if i was part of the cause.

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Friday, 8 August 2003 00:13 (twenty-two years ago)

I like it (in a relative sense) when they tell you why they're leaving. If you can believe them.

― Anthony Miccio (Anthony Miccio), Friday, 8 August 2003 00:15 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh of course, if someone says they're leaving/not hanging around me because of my behaviour I'm not about to dismiss it and them as stupid - if anything I take it too far on board and get horribly, horribly upset and paranoid.

Its finding the balance between "that person really cared, and I was a dickhead and have now fucked it up" and "that person is an uncaring dweeb who walked off for something they exaggerated and how dare they judge me, asshats" that I can never quite work out.

― Trayce (trayce), Friday, 8 August 2003 00:29 (twenty-two years ago)

The Old 97's "Big Brown Eyes" owns this thread. Just the first few seconds put me in the mood to drink myself to death.

― miloauckerman (miloauckerman), Friday, 8 August 2003 01:00 (twenty-two years ago)

"I don't want you to feel this way, so I'm just going to leave"

Begs for clarificiation:
Is it: 1. Are *you* making someone feel like shit? Step up, take responsiblity, and stop. Get help. Counseling. Whatever.

Is it: 2. Someone has a problem and you are so self-absorbed that you can't be bothered to care? Would they care about you? Have they cared about you in the past? Are you now shitting on them in return?
Get help, you have a problem if you are that cold to someone you are in a relationship with.

Or is it something else?

― Orbit (Orbit), Friday, 8 August 2003 02:42 (twenty-two years ago)

I told my fiance I was having an affair with someone at my office just to end it, because it would've been better for both of us. I didn't want him to be crazy. I didn't want to be depressed. No one wanted to feel that way.

― Ally (mlescaut), Friday, 8 August 2003 02:53 (twenty-two years ago)

Why aren't you here? It's almost 4 am.
I finished up all of your beer, Now I'm startin' on your gin.
I went through your diary, flipped through your phone book -called all your friends.
I just wanna know where you been, I just wanna know where you been.

I pulled back your sheets, Now I'm crawlin' in your bed.
Every drink's one more defeat, And every footstep hurts my head.
I don't want excuses. I don't wanna hear that you were out with your friends.
I just wanna know where you been, I just wanna know where you been.

CHORUS
I hope you crash your momma's car.
I hope you pass out in some bar.
I hope you catch some kinda flu.
Let's say I wish the worst for you.

I hope you're happy with yourself.
I hope you found somebody else, cause I ain't askin' you again.
I just wanna know where you been, I just wanna know where you been.

Why am I here? I've got better things to do.
I could hang out on the pier, down by the Hudson, sniffin' glue.
I guess I'm a loser, but I like being miserable, swimming in sin.
I just wanna know where you been, I just wanna know where you been.

― Kenan Hebert (kenan), Friday, 8 August 2003 02:57 (twenty-two years ago)

Orbit there's more than two options here - someone can feel like shit *because* of you but not because of anything you're *doing*.. for example, maybe they feel inadequate of your talents or success of jealous of some aspect of your life..

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Friday, 8 August 2003 02:58 (twenty-two years ago)

There would have to be more details to say anything about it. I was probing, "Or is it something else?".

If they are jealous of you, it also sounds like therapy time--but that assumes that both people are mature and actually looking for a fulfilling long term relationship (as opposed to just bailing at every speed bump). But I'm just speculating based on the thread title.

― Orbit (Orbit), Friday, 8 August 2003 03:02 (twenty-two years ago)

I don't think "therapy time" happens all that often. Usually it's "fish or cut bait" time.

― Kenan Hebert (kenan), Friday, 8 August 2003 03:05 (twenty-two years ago)

i think we're possibly all coming from a personal angle with our interpretations of the thread title.

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Friday, 8 August 2003 03:11 (twenty-two years ago)

To me the thread title sounds like a cop out. But it depends on what kind of relationship it is. If it is a long term, committed relationship, then it sounds like a cop out; if someone is just dating and not willing to put the energy and work that are required to continue relationship happen then I see Kenan's perspective. But even then it really is dodging whatever the real problem is.

The interaction itself is fucked up.
"I don't want you to feel this way"

Feel what way? And how did they get there?
Why is person A punishing the B for having feelings?
Why does person A use the absurd reasoning that their absence will solve the way the person feels?
Why is person A communicating to person B that they aren't worth the trouble of staying to discuss the problem?

It doesn't sound very honest or healthy to me.

What kind of relationship is it?
etc etc
blah blah blah

― Orbit (Orbit), Friday, 8 August 2003 03:24 (twenty-two years ago)

I am completely lost on this thread and will damned if I can figure-out where anyone might be coming from.

― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Friday, 8 August 2003 03:29 (twenty-two years ago)

indeed. it's starting to creep me out actually.

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Friday, 8 August 2003 03:30 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm just going by the quote "I don't want you to feel this way, so I'm going to leave" and looking at the meaning of it. I don't see why it would creep anyone out.

― Orbit (Orbit), Friday, 8 August 2003 03:36 (twenty-two years ago)

i guess my perspective is that the statement in the thread title doesn't strike me as the sort of thing that would come up in a committed, healthy, long-term relationship... and i've been railroaded into trying to 'work out' situations like this so the thought of going through that again gives me the willies

< /projection>

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Friday, 8 August 2003 03:39 (twenty-two years ago)

I don't think I've ever said anything like this, or had anyone say it to me. It seems like a decent example of passive-aggressive mind games, though. The implied guilt-trip is nasty to contemplate.

― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Friday, 8 August 2003 03:43 (twenty-two years ago)

If you have to try to "work things out" chances are it just isn't going to. YMMV.

― Ally (mlescaut), Friday, 8 August 2003 03:43 (twenty-two years ago)

otm

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Friday, 8 August 2003 03:44 (twenty-two years ago)

Jim: If it makes you feel any better, committed, long term relationships are not necessarily healthy--it takes work to make them that way.

"Railroaded" sounds like you're denying responsibility for your own choices and actions. I mean that objectively, not as an insult. Sorry to give you the willies.

:-) Happy thoughts!

Laura: OTM

― Orbit (Orbit), Friday, 8 August 2003 03:44 (twenty-two years ago)

Ally: Decent relationships don't just happen, they require work. Dating-type/casual relationships work just fine with no one really giving a shit what happens and bailing out when it's not fun any more, but I think once you're through with dating and looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with, then you better be ready to work at it.

― Orbit (Orbit), Friday, 8 August 2003 03:47 (twenty-two years ago)

Requiring work is not the same thing as "working things out".

― Ally (mlescaut), Friday, 8 August 2003 03:48 (twenty-two years ago)

Sounds the same to me. What is the difference? Either you are working together to improve the relationship or you aren't.

― Orbit (Orbit), Friday, 8 August 2003 03:49 (twenty-two years ago)

What's that that Jody Beth always says? "Lady, if you have to ask..." There's absolutely nothing I can say that can explain the difference between the two statements if you can't already see the difference between the two statements. Being as I'm not 14 years old, I'm well aware that relationships are not all rides on Space Mountain, right. They have ups and downs.

i've been railroaded into trying to 'work out' situations like this

is the exact quote I was responding to. The general usage of the phrase in question isn't exactly an implication of your typical trouble moments in a relationship. Like I said YMMV.

― Ally (mlescaut), Friday, 8 August 2003 03:54 (twenty-two years ago)

I don't know about that, Ally. My David and I are going through something right now where we have had to decide if we want to stay together and re-establish our (albeit changed) relationship. A lot of our (tearful and painful) dialogue has been whether or not what we get from each other and from being together is worth working for, and how we can work things out (there are issues that we both need to resolve, internally and externally). And that does involve a decision of whether or not we're each going to commit ourselves to the pain that we're going to have to go through in order to heal. The 'try' implies to me that neither party knows whether or not their effort will succeed, but that they're going to do everything in their power to make sure that they have given their all to getting through the hellish patch.

I agree that long-term relationships take effort and energy and time. They do take work. I see Ally's point (x-post) about the difference between 'requiring work' and 'working things out' ... to me, the latter implies that something has gone wrong and needs to be resolved, whereas the former implies a need for upkeep and maintenance.

― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Friday, 8 August 2003 03:54 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm reading the title as "I cant stand to see you in this state [of destructive behaviour/misery/stupidity/blah] so rather than be supporttive or try and help you I am just going to bail"

And I say this because someone has recently said and done JUST THAT to me, which showed a) they didnt really care as either a friend or a lover and b) they're a spineless goit when it comes to any relationship issues.

I may have totally misread the intent of Millar's post, I don't know.

― Trayce (trayce), Friday, 8 August 2003 04:09 (twenty-two years ago)

ergo i think we're possibly all coming from a personal angle with our interpretations of the thread title.

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Friday, 8 August 2003 04:11 (twenty-two years ago)

You're so OTM, esoj.

― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Friday, 8 August 2003 04:12 (twenty-two years ago)

I really don't think there's anything personal about it:
"I don't want you to feel this way so I'm just going to leave" has an objective cause and effect sequence and communicates:

1. The speaker wants to control the feelings of the listener.
2. The speaker is unwilling to consider helping or talking to the listener.
3. The speaker is abandoning the listener, and blaming the listener for the abandonment, the cause of the abandonment being "how the listener feels"

It;s a mindfuck statement, regardless of context.

― Orbit (Orbit), Friday, 8 August 2003 04:15 (twenty-two years ago)

i don't believe i've ever said that to anyone, but its sorta been said to me. in retrospect i'm really glad they did, cos i didn't have the balls to walk away from them even though it was what i wanted. it was extremely painful because by then i'd already learned to love the deadend crappiness of the relationship. valuable lesson - if somethings irreparable, get out. it only does your head in worse to stick around.

― The Lady Ms Lurex (lucylurex), Friday, 8 August 2003 04:17 (twenty-two years ago)

i disagree. you're assuming that this statement hasn't been made after 1, 2 and 3 have *already* been attempted.

(xp)

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Friday, 8 August 2003 04:17 (twenty-two years ago)

All we have to go on is the statement itself, so yeah.

― Orbit (Orbit), Friday, 8 August 2003 04:20 (twenty-two years ago)

Trayce, I'd not thought about it in those terms that you've suggested. In that case, then yes, I've said/done something similar in leaving a relationship with someone who had a substance abuse problem. I reached a point where it was too emotionbally difficult for me to watch him sinking down and pushing away all offers of assistance. Maybe I should have stayed ... I know I felt like shit about the decision for ages afterward.

But I am reading the thread title to mean that the person speaking is saying that they feel they're causing the discomfort in the other person and so they're going to leave because they no longer want to cause that discomfort. And to me that's a pretty shitty assumption to make about one's self and about one's partner/friend.

Then again, I am completely puzzled by the whole thread, but it is interesting to see everyone's responses *grin*

― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Friday, 8 August 2003 04:28 (twenty-two years ago)

I like things that are this open to interpretations. Its a very Gareth-like thread really :)

― Trayce (trayce), Friday, 8 August 2003 04:38 (twenty-two years ago)

It;s a mindfuck statement, regardless of context.

I agree. It sounds on the surface like a real 20-yr-old "I have no idea who I am or what I want but I've learned that it's not you" kinda statement.

― Kenan Hebert (kenan), Friday, 8 August 2003 04:41 (twenty-two years ago)

It the kinda thing I used to say a lot, so I would know.

― Kenan Hebert (kenan), Friday, 8 August 2003 04:42 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm reading the title as "I cant stand to see you in this state [of destructive behaviour/misery/stupidity/blah] so rather than be supporttive or try and help you I am just going to bail"

I'm reading it almost exactly opposite.

― Ally (mlescaut), Friday, 8 August 2003 12:38 (twenty-two years ago)

Huh? You read it as "I can't stand to see you bail so I am going to be destructuve/miserable/stupid?"

― Orbit (Orbit), Friday, 8 August 2003 13:53 (twenty-two years ago)

Yeah, exactly! In an Ed Grimley voice!!! Said by Steve McQueen's face!

Jesus.

ie "I don't want to hurt you with MY behavior (whatever it is, real or perceived) so since you're upset I'm just going to leave"

― Ally (mlescaut), Friday, 8 August 2003 13:55 (twenty-two years ago)

IF ALLY
THEN GOTO 10

We have now come full circle.

― Orbit (Orbit), Friday, 8 August 2003 14:17 (twenty-two years ago)

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