Putting a relationship on "hiatus": C or D?

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So my better half and I are pondering an undefined stretch of time apart, because we're both young and very inexperienced and want to "experiment" (i.e., sleep with other people) before strapping in for the long haul of monogamy. Ideally at the end of this period, if our feelings haven't changed, we'll get back together. We've been together close to three years, the flame is surprisingly durable still, but we've seen so much romantic strife between friends and family in both our pasts that we have no desire to get hitched or even stay wholly committed at the tender age of 21 and 20. When I think about this in an intellectual way, it makes perfect sense to me; it's better to do something like this now then get married at 22 and have a mid-life crisis come and smack me in the face. But she's been away and we haven't been talking about it, and lately I've been a nervous shaking wreck about the seemingly inevitable split. I'm in such bad shape that I've been listening to my younger brother's collection of emocore. So, in the interest of aiding an inquiring mind, does anyone have any experience with this sort of thing? How did it work out for you? Do relationships that go on hiatus have any sort of chance of being re-established after the wild oats are sown?

― justin s., Friday, 8 August 2003 02:40 (twenty-two years ago)

Oddly, I would think that taking a hiatus might very well strengthen a relationship. However, everytime I mentioned the idea to my live-in he responded by assuming that I was ending the relationship. For him, if we weren't physically together, then we were no longer 'together' ... which surprises me, because he's the least jealous and lest insecure person that I've met. But somehow the idea of taking a break from things meant a lot more distance to him than it did to me.

Sorry I don't have any actual advice to give, here. I know people who came back together after taking a break and they're still together and happy. And I know others that grew apart as a result of the agreed upon hiatus. It's really a matter of the people and their relationship and what they both want.

― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Friday, 8 August 2003 03:39 (twenty-two years ago)

i think it's entirely possible as long as you're both able to fully deal with whatever either of you "do" in the interim.

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Friday, 8 August 2003 03:41 (twenty-two years ago)

I don't think anything like this could ever seem 'right' to [/for] me.

― RJG (RJG), Friday, 8 August 2003 03:44 (twenty-two years ago)

Dud.

― Orbit (Orbit), Friday, 8 August 2003 03:49 (twenty-two years ago)

i've known people who have gone out, broken up on good terms for whatever reason, and picked up again a couple of years down the line and been happy as larry.. the difference between this and the above is the implied possibility/chance of things resuming putting pressure and expectations on the situation.

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Friday, 8 August 2003 03:50 (twenty-two years ago)

I've seen it sort of work with one couple I knew, who did it intentionally... personally for me it wouldnt work tho, as if I removed myself from a person I loved and was with others, the new involvements would alter my worldview so much I dont think I could come back to that person on the same footing as before. But then I've never tried it, and I am now going out with a guy Ive been friends with for years and totally DIDN'T want to date when I met him... so anythings possible!

― Trayce (trayce), Friday, 8 August 2003 03:56 (twenty-two years ago)

Actually, I think that having my relationship(s) be poly has helped allievate this need for me. I have enough variety in my life that I do not need to spend time away from those that I love. I know that I want to grow old and gray with them. But that doesn't mean that I want to spend every minute of my waking existence in their presence.

― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Friday, 8 August 2003 03:58 (twenty-two years ago)

I think y're also sort of short-changing the people with whom you'd be carrying on during this hiatus.

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Friday, 8 August 2003 13:52 (twenty-two years ago)

I agree with Horace. Plus, if you say 'Let's see other people,' now, and then you get back together, what's stopping the two of you from 'seeing other people' once you're back together again? I don't know. This might work for some people, but I would say just keep the relationship going if it's working and if not do something else.

― Sarah McLUsky (coco), Friday, 8 August 2003 13:55 (twenty-two years ago)

Don't do it. That's my heartfelt advice. Sarah and Horace pretty much know what's up.

― Mark C (Mark C), Friday, 8 August 2003 14:00 (twenty-two years ago)

The problem with this is the expectation that you WILL get back together in the future. If you go your separate ways, I think you need to prepare yourself for the possibility that this won't happen -- that either one of you will not want to get back together, for whatever reason. You may tell yourself that that's impossible, that you're truly in love, etc., but you're still very young. Who knows what will happen. If it's important for the two of you to be apart, you should actually officially break up.

― jaymc (jaymc), Friday, 8 August 2003 14:22 (twenty-two years ago)

Exactly. Either decide to break up or stay together -- I don't think you can take a hiatus with the expectation that the relationship will still be there.

― Larcole (Nicole), Friday, 8 August 2003 14:28 (twenty-two years ago)

My SO are on a semi-hiatus right now, and I think the jury's still out on whether it's working or not. I moved out to a separate apartment, and we see slightly less of each other than we did before, but we still end up hanging out a lot. We kind of agreed that we could date other people as long as we didn't get involved physically, but neither of us has so far. It's kind of a halfway-house between breaking up and deciding to make a deeper commitment. The idea is that eventually it will lead to one of the two, and hopefully that it will help us get there faster than we would have if we'd stayed together in the same situation we had before, but so far it doesn't seem to have clarified very much.

― o. nate (onate), Friday, 8 August 2003 14:55 (twenty-two years ago)

That should have read: My SO and I are on a semi-hiatus...

― o. nate (onate), Friday, 8 August 2003 14:56 (twenty-two years ago)

We kind of agreed that we could date other
people as long as we didn't get involved physically
you mean have friends???

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Friday, 8 August 2003 14:59 (twenty-two years ago)

dud. hey lets fuck other people and then get back together. everytime you go to have sex with her afterwards you'll think about it. you'll think of how she fucked this guy and if she did it doggy style with that guy and so on. Your life will be ruined.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Friday, 8 August 2003 15:03 (twenty-two years ago)

plus you'll smell other cock on her breath.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Friday, 8 August 2003 15:04 (twenty-two years ago)

Chris's answer is so much more straight-forward than mine - and SO true.

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Friday, 8 August 2003 15:04 (twenty-two years ago)

you mean have friends???

Well, I guess there can be a fine line between dating and just being friends, when you leave the physical component out of the picture. To be honest, I'm not sure exactly how this part is supposed to work, since we have yet to cross this particular bridge.

― o. nate (onate), Friday, 8 August 2003 15:09 (twenty-two years ago)

Im going to be blunt about it because it happened to me twice in my life and the relationships were never ever the same again. Every time I slept with my gf after this hiatus period all i could think of was her in bed with someone else. The strain it put on my heart was not worth it in the end. Granted I went around and did the same thing, but fuck it hurt. Hurt like nothing I have ever felt in my life. It still does hurt, even to think about it.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Friday, 8 August 2003 15:14 (twenty-two years ago)

Think of the question this way: would the two of you have to be separated to make it emotionally possible for either or both of you to sleep with other people? And which freaks the two of you out more: the thought of each other sleeping with other people, or the thought of not being together? Work from your answers to that.

― Douglas (Douglas), Friday, 8 August 2003 15:30 (twenty-two years ago)

hmmm...a similar situation happened to two of my good friends who are now in their early thirties. they had been dating since high school for a few years and my friend started feeling like she was missing out, not just in the sense of dating other people, but going out on her own, travelling and such. anyways, they did break up but ended up marrying and now have two children! so there you go. it is true that you cannot have the expectation that you will end up together, but it also true that the nagging feeling might not go away and resentment starts to build.

that is a strange and destructive sentiment to have, to only imagine the people they were with duing the hiatus. do people not expect that when they start a new relationship their boyfriend/girlfriend will have had previous relationships? it seems a similar situation to me

― charlotte, Friday, 8 August 2003 16:09 (twenty-two years ago)

I ended one of my relationships by saying I needed a month off -- at the time I didn't really mean it and I was using the "hiatus" excuse to cushion the blow of the breakup (for both of us). We did try to keep seeing each other after the hiatus, but it was too weird and painful. Now I'm sorry we didn't make a clean break the first time around, because we never quite got the sense of closure most people get when they break up. (We have it now, but it took years.)

― The Four Singing Beatles (Jody Beth Rosen), Friday, 8 August 2003 16:18 (twenty-two years ago)

Well, at this point it looks like it's going to be a break-up instead of a hiatus. So much for that idea. Thanks to everyone who responded, though, you have all given me something to think about.

― justin s., Tuesday, 12 August 2003 19:37 (twenty-two years ago)

Sorry to hear that, Justin. Hang-in there and everything, okay?

― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Wednesday, 13 August 2003 02:32 (twenty-two years ago)

This thread has been very helpful for me just now.

― Andrew (enneff), Wednesday, 13 August 2003 02:44 (twenty-two years ago)

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