when people who portray themselves as friends just cant seem to summon up any sincere pleasure or join in your happiness over a situation

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why is this?
having just moved house to a place that has been renovated beautifully inside, landscaped outside and suits me perfectly in my current situation, i am feeling pretty good about it all.
today a new-ish friend came to visit us and her reaction was so weird i felt uncomfortable. its not as if i am 'better off' than her, or trying to pretend i am. im just excited at finding somewhere cool to live in! by the end of her visit i was feeling so uncomfortable i found myself trying to find fault with the place! i dont think i 'bragged' or went on and on about stuff, i did show her the things i am pleased about but isnt that normal? isnt it normal to do that and wouldnt a friend be happy?

believe me, i have nothing here to be remotely jealous of / about.

people can be such arseholes.

― donna (donna), Friday, 8 August 2003 05:33 (twenty-two years ago)

I find certain friends becoming more emotionally remote as I (we) grow older, such that their response to events in my life is more rehearsed, more perfunctory than might have been true a decade or so ago (or even just a few years ago). I think I'm the same way with them. It's tragic.

I don't have anything else to say I don't think....

― amateurist (amateurist), Friday, 8 August 2003 05:44 (twenty-two years ago)

i totally do this whenever friends talk about their children/their pregnancy/etc etc. i just glaze over and all but say "that's nice dear".

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Friday, 8 August 2003 05:49 (twenty-two years ago)

LOL, Jim. I call this "Promo Glaze" from the way Suzy's eyes would glaze over anytime I talked about anything having to do w/ the promo (which I did at BOMP! Records for five years). I too get promo glaze when people talk about having kids, buying houses, etc etc.

― Orbit (Orbit), Friday, 8 August 2003 05:53 (twenty-two years ago)

yes i understand all of this and i didnt expect major EXCITEMENT, but what im talking about was major DOWNER.

― donna (donna), Friday, 8 August 2003 05:57 (twenty-two years ago)

ah yes. like when you've bought something really cool that you're all excited about and your friend chews you out for having spent so much money?

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Friday, 8 August 2003 05:59 (twenty-two years ago)

Some people are just immature. Write it off, get better friends.

― Orbit (Orbit), Friday, 8 August 2003 06:00 (twenty-two years ago)

Donna how exactly did she react?

― amateurist (amateurist), Friday, 8 August 2003 06:02 (twenty-two years ago)

she ignored me when i pointed out the nice things about the place, commented on the ( few ) bad points and then told me how it could be 'improved'. her whole tone when i showed her around was " oh right...........nice" in the voice used when meaning to denote ' oh dear what a load of shit'.

i may be a tad over sensitive but i did not imagine this. it has really pissed me off.

― donna (donna), Friday, 8 August 2003 06:10 (twenty-two years ago)

Orbit, do you know a tall chick named Alyssa?

― Texas Sam (thatgirl), Friday, 8 August 2003 06:14 (twenty-two years ago)

this sucks, donna

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Friday, 8 August 2003 06:20 (twenty-two years ago)

Not by name, no, but Gravedigger V was recorded before my time there. I did talk to Ted alot though when promoting the CD re-issue of the album though. I was there 1992-97

― Orbit (Orbit), Friday, 8 August 2003 06:24 (twenty-two years ago)

*Winces*
i'm afraid I am your friend..
It's actually really terrible and I'm *really* trying to improve.. but I tend to be kind of pessimistic and it feels really unnatural for me to compliment people. it sucks and I hate myself for it.
Just try and notice her behaviour at other times, is she really complimentary about other things? or is this just her natural way of looking at stuff.. I genuinely don't have a jealous bone in my bod, it's just hard for me to *say* how pleased I am for my friends, however much I love them.

― Nellie (nellskies), Friday, 8 August 2003 07:25 (twenty-two years ago)

I know exactly what you mean Donna, and it IS hurtful and rude dammit. I'm really not sure what the explanation is for it, but are these also the kind of people who, when you give them a gift, barely register a cursory nod or perhaps a stingy "thanks"?

I made a huge effort a couple of weeks ago to buy a friend a lovely gift. I spent a lot of time (and money) on it and I was really hurt by her reaction. She said thanks in a brusque, offhand way and then never mentioned it again. I wasn't expecting over-the-top reactions, but I thought she was really rude and ungrateful. It definitely WAS something she wanted (she'd mentioned it before) and it was completely to her taste. She's also the kind of person who can be expansive in emotions and gestures so it's not as though she's a shy retiring type.

I dunno. Actually, that's probably a whole nuther thread, people's inability to accept gifts/compliments in a 'tradional' way.

― Saskia, Friday, 8 August 2003 07:54 (twenty-two years ago)

*traditional*

― Saskia, Friday, 8 August 2003 07:55 (twenty-two years ago)

three months pass...

Donna, I can totally relate right now. As soon as I told my bandmates that I'd be moving, they were basically like "Meh." I think one of them said, "Oh, Chicago is nice," but that's it. And ever since (this was a few months ago), they have hardly bothered to call me at all. We immediately stopped having band practices, which was ridiculous because I'm not moving until the end of the year. They formed a new band with some other friends and got busy with that. Also I used to eat lunch with them fairly frequently as we work on the same block. But ever since this happened, they've both said they're too busy to lunch with me. IN fact, they even said they'd decided to just pack lunches for now on and eat in their building (they work together).

AND one of them owes me quite a bit of money.

I just emailed them both with some updates, but mostly to say that I miss them already. I know they're annoyed with me for breaking up the band and they probably think I'm an asshole for moving so far away, but goddamn why do they have to act like I'm already gone?

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Monday, 17 November 2003 21:05 (twenty-two years ago)

Ugh. I just got an email back from one of them. He said that it's been too long for us to try to have any more shows. That it would just be silly. He'll be out of town when we're planning our going away party. And, oh yes, he doesn't have time to practice for a show anyway because he's spending all his time working on the new band (with the other old bandmate). *sigh*

I feel like I could cry. It's high school all over again. I tell people I'm moving and they start acting like I'm dead to them.

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Monday, 17 November 2003 21:22 (twenty-two years ago)

maybe it's because they're hurt Sarah. It's a poor way to deal with it but maybe they're acting this way b/c it's too hard for them to see you knowing you're about to leave.

― A Girl Named Sam (thatgirl), Monday, 17 November 2003 21:25 (twenty-two years ago)

The thing is, you'd think people would eventually grow the fuck up. That's like my life story, you try to keep people in your life and they're like stunned by the concept of sending an email or a phone call occasionally; it's like moving to another state is paramount to being thrown into Alcatraz or something? I'd tell you you'll get new friends immediately in your new town (which is true) but hearing that doesn't really help the sting at all. :/

I'd totally come hang out with you in Chicago and I think I am just as far away as your bandmates, dude!! But I'm pretty shit musically.

Xpost: Sam is totally OTM but like I said you'd hope people eventually grow up and move out of that stage in which yr friends have to be the people you can go to the mall with every single day.

― Allyzay, Monday, 17 November 2003 21:26 (twenty-two years ago)

Thanks, guys. It's just hard because they were my best friends and I used to see them every single day. It got a little more spread out when one of them got married and had a kid, but they still called. Now, it's just way too quiet.

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Monday, 17 November 2003 21:31 (twenty-two years ago)

your friends should have the backbone to seperate the band from the friendship. they should eat lunch, hang out, etc with you but i also think its ok if they want to go ahead and form another band

― kephm, Monday, 17 November 2003 21:44 (twenty-two years ago)

:-( *many good thoughts*

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Monday, 17 November 2003 21:44 (twenty-two years ago)

seperate=separate

― kephm, Monday, 17 November 2003 21:46 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm sorry to hear that, Sarah. It seems like a rotten and immature way to treat a friend.

― El Diablo Robotico (Nicole), Monday, 17 November 2003 21:47 (twenty-two years ago)

It's ok with me that they formed a new band. I'm glad they didn't just decide to stop playing.

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Monday, 17 November 2003 21:47 (twenty-two years ago)

Bah! one of my bestest, closest, most trustworthy friends has quite clearly decided that my move to the US means the end of our firendship. Just like that. And I've spoken to him every two or three days for the last 6/7 years! But now- he doesn't return my phone calls, emails, or anything! I have great faith in humanity, but this makes me question the wisdom of it, seriously...

― @d@ml (nordicskilla), Monday, 17 November 2003 21:50 (twenty-two years ago)

*hugs Sarah*

Hon, even though I'm the type who gets envious quite easily (due to self-esteem issues), I hate it when it gets to the point where it might possibly start contaminating friendships, especially those friendships I view as valuable. At that point, I confide in people I can trust and hopefully can end up working out something that will make me feel not quite as envious and actually kinda happy for the person in the end.

I hope these people come to the same path in the road, except soon enough for you guys.

― Pancakes For Breakfast! (Dee the Lurker), Monday, 17 November 2003 21:51 (twenty-two years ago)

(The thread topic strikes me as odd. "Summoning up sincere pleasure" : isn't that a "be spontaneous" paradox?)

― Herbstmute (Wintermute), Monday, 17 November 2003 22:00 (twenty-two years ago)

Sorry, adam.

You know, it doesn't have to be that way. I kept in touch with my best friend from my senior year of high school (I moved around a lot, so I only went to that school one year) for eight years. We wrote letters, emails, sent presents, called each other, arranged for visits... And now she lives in Madison and I'll be in Chicago and we'll actually be able to see each other somewhat frequently. A few hours distance as opposed to a few days. :)

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Tuesday, 18 November 2003 14:05 (twenty-two years ago)

It's harsh, I know. *hugs*
I have a friend, one of my best friends actually. We have some kind of surreal hal realtionship at the moment. It is mainly conducted via email as she very rarely returns calls or anything. If we had just drifted apart it would be fine (sad but these things happen) but the problem is she gets very arsey towards me, not even considering the amount of stress i am under. She always moans that i don't go over to see her (when i can i do) but when it is her turn to come to me (bearing in mind that she works quite near to where i live) she makes excuses. One of the better ones was that she was 'painting her tiles'. At a time when I need friends to be understanding (my true best friend is a saint & I love her dearly & all the rest of my friends seem to understand!) she is quite the opposite. Always being sarcastic & sniping at me. I am not even in the right place to have a go back, i just take it. Ppl (mum & friends) tell me that she has always been a very selfish person, but i never wanted to see it. it makes me so sad.

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Tuesday, 18 November 2003 14:19 (twenty-two years ago)

three years pass...

I don't have anything else to say I don't think....

-- amateurist (amateurist), Friday, August 8, 2003 5:44 AM (3 years ago) Bookmark Link

:-|

― and what, Sunday, 17 June 2007 20:51 (eighteen years ago)

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