Downsizing Relationships: C or D?

I'm convinced that it can -- I don't trust the idea that a relationship is only working if it's "moving forward," implying deeper and deeper commitment and presumably marriage or some similar long-term/indefinite arrangement, because why is that necessarily the best choice for anyone? Why is there necessarily anything wrong with a relationship that's finite?

But the idea that moving forward is the thing to do, and that moving backward isn't a correction of a miscalculated step forward but a sign of an eventual end, is so prevalent that I'm not sure it ever does work out.

yes, the problem with the "moving forward" argument is that there's always the terminus point: i.e. when you end up married or the equivalent. only THEN do you start "moving forward" by degrees or sideways swerves, which is disdained prior to that.

i feel like this is what my relationship is moving towards, slowly, so i feel you tim, but it's too soon to say for sure.

why does it all have to be expressed in terms that sounds like they come from a company director? why dont people just say " hey im bored with this, sick of you/ dont wanna marry you, so lets give it a break for a while and see what happens".
deeper commitment in the 'progress' of any relationship is natural isnt it? as you get to know someone better you either start to care for them more, or not. you either want them in your life indefinately or you dont give a shit whether they come or go. this applies to all relationships, from friendships to lovers to acquaintances doesnt it? the acquaintances can come and go as they (or you) please, they may or may not become close friends, the others matter more and are important aspects of life.

too simplistic? not in my experience. i think that if one person in a relationship is feeling its 'time to downsize', that relationship is on its downhill run. sorry tim.

i don't see how that follows at all.

i suppose that should read: i don't know why two people should be so easily willing to throw away something they've worked on and for when one or both is no longer getting the same things they used to from it, instead of possibly negotiating a new plan, if they still love each other and the relationship isn't causing one or both of them emotional distress. but then again, we're a quick-fix, throw away kind of society, aren't we?

I hope I'm not too jaded to answer this thoughtfully, but my experience in situations like hasn't been very good. early on I'd panic and leave the relationship, and more recently they've undergone a kind of quiet dissolve--the last one remained a friendship for a long time, which was nice but sort of anticlimactic, which is a risky thing to type because of its potential for making me look like a drama queen or in need of similar on the other half of things (and which is probably true to some degree, maybe even a large one). what I mean, though, is that I didn't know it was ending when it was--I was hoping it would retrack itself and continue its previous path, and it didn't--it just turned into something else. (unfortunately, the friendship itself ended not too long ago, but for far different reasons.)

I don't think either of us necessarily want to downsize *emotionally* - it's more a case of me not having the (raw, actual, count 'em in hours) time to give him what he considers to be a proper commitment, and so he wants our formal understanding to reflect that. This is good for me insofar as it potentially alleviates the major conflict in the relationship (my external commitments interfering with the relationship) but bad because of that feeling of inevitable tapering off.

But there's so many added considerations. Like, having been in a relationship for three years since I was 18, and one which started only two months after I came out, I feel as though I perhaps *should* be single for a while, even though I don't want to leave *this* relationship.

in orthodox heterosexual relationships, there comes a moment when an act of MAJOR downsizing of the extant relationshi is announced: and traditionally it's ALWAYS presented as if it's a deepening commitment. IKt's called "having a baby"

ie both parents at this point start to HAVE to dilute the time and attention given purely to one another — bcz there's someone else involved, some tremendously vulenrable and needy, whose call is just greater... in strict (cliched) sexual terms this is not "polyamory" , but in emotional terms it clearly is

and this new situation shatters some relationships and transforms others for the better

in non-orthodox het and non-het relationships, this saving-wrecking move may not be available, and so perhaps a substitute move is necessary?

Sorry Ken for the kryptic message...this should be clearer.

There was some activity in Elmsford, ( Hispanic MP's) but have not heard anything in a long time.

Most NY outside the (NY) city is happy Ending @ best or very expensive.
If Port Chester has activity it is very hidden.

give up

Good luck Tim. I know I couldn't do it. It's odd though that this question has come up several times in various guises lately.

If it really is just a case of not having the time to be with each other as much as you used to because of jobs or other things, I don't see why it's a problem. I think people like to confuse spending lots of time with someone= they really like me. If you have a stable relationship, spending time apart shouldn't have an effect on your feelings for the other person.

The three of us have had to go through periods of downsizing in our relationship based on external time constraints (like the semester where we were all in grad. school). The agreement that we made was that if we had the time AND the energy, we'd get together. But we'd not be together if we were just going to bitch about not having any time or energy to be together. It's worked for us, and in some ways has strengthened the relationship because we all realized just how much we miss each other when we're apart.

Thanks for your thoughts y'all.

small experience says desire to be single would dissipate quickly after being single for a while Tim. Best of luck whatever you decide.

Tim, if this commitment is worth it to you, maybe you should compromise just a little and give a bit more of your time. I'm not sure what he wants from you, but maybe you can find a middle ground between the time he wants and the time you are able to give.