Get Distracted

[SCENE ONE: Shabba Ranks and Stripshow Clementine are sitting in an office near a window, typing and clicking away at their respective computers. Everything is still at first, but occasionally the two of them will burst into a frenzy of activity, answering phones, spinning around in the swivel chair, throwing paperwork all over the floor and splashing coffee into desk drawers. Eventually Marco Watusi enters, carrying a staple gun.]

Marco: HOW IS THE WEATHER

Shabba: IT LOOKS FINE

Clementine: SUPPOSED TO RAIN TODAY

Marco: I DESPISE THE RAIN

Shabba: IT REMINDS ME OF A STORY

Clementine: I LIKE YOUR HAIRCUT

Marco: THANKS

Shabba: I WAS OUT FISHING

Clementine: IT LOOKS NICE

Marco: YEAH

Shabba: THIS STORM CAME UP OUT OF NOWHERE

Clementine: WAS THIS LAST SUMMER

Shabba: YES I WENT FISHING LAST SUMMER AND

Marco: WHAT KIND OF FISH

Shabba: MERMAIDS

Clementine: THOSE AREN'T FISH

Marco: WOW

Shabba: YEAH

Clementine: I DON'T UNDERSTAND

Shabba: WE USE BIG HARPOON GUNS

Marco: WHOA

Clementine: WOW

Shabba: SO THIS STORM CAME UP

[END OF SCENE ONE]

[SCENE TWO: Shabba and Marco are on a raft out at sea. There is no shore visible on the horizon. The waves are calm and the sun is shining brightly overhead as they search the horizon for signs of mermaids. Shabba holds a harpoon gun which looks identical to a giant roll of wrapping paper. Marco still has his staple gun.]

Shabba: I GOT MY CARPETS CLEANED YESTERDAY

Marco: WHAT SHOULD I BE LOOKING FOR

Shabba: THEY DID A GREAT JOB

Marco: IS THAT ONE

Shabba: THERE'S ONE

[Both of them open fire. Marco releases dozens of carpentry staples into the water while Shabba lets loose with a pair of well-aimed harpoons. A female scream is heard. They lower their weapons and pull the harpoon rope until they find a half-naked mermaid covered in staples and impaled through the midsection on a long harpoon.]

Shabba: WOW SHE'S HUGE

Marco: SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE'S ABOUT TWELVE YEARS OLD

Shabba: YEAH, SHE'll COOK UP GREAT

Marco: YOU ARE A SICK FUCKING SON OF A BITCH

Shabba: DON'T TAKE THAT TONE WITH ME YOU UPPITY LITTLE SHIT

Marco: BUT SHE'S A GIRL

Shabba: WHAT DID YOU THINK MERMAIDS WERE

Marco: I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE BEING SERIOUS YOU HORRIBLE BASTARD

Shabba: WHY WOULD I LIE ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE THAT

Marco: YOU'RE A MURDERER

Shabba: GET OFF MY BOAT

Marco: FUCK YOU

[Marco raises his weapon. Shabba frantically tries to reload his harpoon gun to no avail. Marco fires once into Shabba's chest. The force of the staple throws Shabba fifteen feet into the air and off the edge of the raft. Shabba lets loose a terrified scream as his body sinks beneath the waves.]

Marco: I'M SO SO SORRY I'M SO SORRY

[Marco removes the harpoon and staples from the body of the mermaid. He gently eases the body back into the sea and crosses himself. Tears are in his eyes.]

[END OF SCENE TWO]

[SCENE THREE: Marco is standing in the office from Scene One with Clementine at her desk on the telephone. Shabba's desk is empty but for several memorial bouquets and a harpoon gun that he had given as a gift to some fat guy down the hall. A newspaper in Marco's hand bears the headline "DANCEHALL SUPERSTAR LOST AT SEA." Clementine hangs up the phone.]

Clementine: THAT WAS SAINT PETER

Marco: AND

Clementine: NO SIGN OF A SHABBA RANKS

Marco: HE MUST HAVE WENT STRAIGHT TO HELL

Clementine: LOOKS LIKE IT

Marco: DO YOU THINK ANYBODY SUSPECTS

Clementine: NO NOT YOU ANYWAY

Marco: I'M STILL WORRIED

Clementine: IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT HE WAS A MURDEROUS BASTARD

Marco: BUT HIS LEGACY OF JAMAICAN NUMBER ONES

Clementine: NOBODY HERE CARES ABOUT THAT

Marco: I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO

Clementine: KISS ME YOU IDIOT

[Marco hesitatingly leans down, then kisses Clementine full on the lips. This lasts for a wrenching fifteen to twenty seconds.]

Marco: WHOA

Clementine: WOW

Marco: THEY SAID I DIDN'T HAVE PEOPLE SKILLS

Clementine: WELL MAYBE NOT ALL PEOPLE CAN SEE WHAT I SEE IN YOU

["Automatic" by the Pointer Sisters plays as Clementine and Marco go through a tropical honeymoon montage featuring various stock footage of Sandals' Caribbean Resorts with the two of them superimposed still wearing office clothing.]

Marco: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SLEPT WITH THE COCKTAIL WAITRESS WHILE I WAS PASSED OUT

Clementine: I DIDN'T THINK YOU WOULD TRY TO DROWN YOURSELF IN THE FUCKING JACUZZI

Marco: OBVIOUSLY I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU

Clementine: OBVIOUSLY

[END OF SCENE THREE]

[SCENE FOUR: Marco is standing on the roof of the office building, thirty stories above the street. The sun sets beautifully on the horizon as Turbo Galacticus lays waste to skyscrapers several blocks in the distance. The noise of shattering architecture is deafening. Marco seems resigned to his fate, though he still clutches his staple gun by his side. Clementine emerges from the stairwell.]

Marco: HE'S GOT US ALL IN CHECK

Clementine: I BROUGHT YOU A PIECE OF CHICKEN

Marco: THANKS BUT I'M NOT REALLY HUNGRY

Clementine: DO YOU THINK YOU CAN STOP HIM

Marco: WHY SHOULD I YOU DON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE

Clementine: I'M SO SORRY

Marco: I'M A WRETCHED SINNER

Clementine: DON'T TALK THAT WAY

Marco: WE'RE ALL WRETCHED SINNERS AND WE DESERVE WHATEVER WE GET

Clementine: IT WASN'T YOU, IT WAS ME

Marco: THAT DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING

[As if to drive the point home, Turbo Galacticus brings his elbow down on the roof of the building and crushes both of them and everyone inside instantly. Their death is quick and painless as it should be. Turbo Galacticus rises back to his full height and surveys the landscape. He suddenly becomes aware of an itch on his right forearm. Upon inspection he finds a carpentry staple embedded there. Turbo Galacticus removes the staple and breaks a crucial artery in the process, bleeding to death within seconds. He keels over into a packed mob of celebrating apocalypse ravers as the sun passes beneath the horizon. The city is silent like death.]

[FIN]