if you express emotions to your family, what do they do?

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i have found that if i try to say how im really feeling, my family either get embarrassed / pretend i dont exist / tell me im being silly / say nothing.

i dont see my immediate family often, and we all lived pretty far away from each other for about 20 years until recently. i find their reaction ( or lack of ) really frustrating. its as if im 'the fool' for being honest about stuff.

im not an emotional freak-out-case, not going about wailing or declaring undying love etc but this wall of anti-expression is becoming very unnerving.

am i alone in this?

― donna (donna), Tuesday, 19 August 2003 05:46 (twenty-two years ago)

not at all.

dealing with family is all about putting a happy face on everything and being vague about anything that is *different* or *unpleasant*. i love my family, but it's much much easier to talk to mom about clothes/whatever, and to chat with dad about cars. it's always a challenge to come up with appropriate stories about what i'm up to.

i am being overly simplistic but it's 2 am dammit.

― JuliaA (j_bdules), Tuesday, 19 August 2003 06:12 (twenty-two years ago)

I get this with my Dad - my mum is fine, she's always let me cry, complain, talk about my depression etc... but when my financee and I broke up I tried to talk about it to dad as well as it was a pretty huge life event, and he seemed so awkward and vague I just dropped it again. I'm sure he loves me but I didnt quite know what to make of the reaction, as if he didn't want to have to deal with his daughter being vulnerable or something. Maybe thought cos he couldnt fix it, he couldnt handle it?

So yes, know the feeling.

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 19 August 2003 06:22 (twenty-two years ago)

My Mom tells me that I shouldn't worry and I'm brilliant and that someday I'll be very rich because I'm soooo smart. I have long since stopped expressing emotions to my Mom.

― Kenan Hebert (kenan), Tuesday, 19 August 2003 06:25 (twenty-two years ago)

I don't think I've expressed an emotion to my dad since 1999, and that ended with me hanging up the phone on him. I have no problems being emotional with my mum - we think and feel the same on most things except she's wiser - but because she's deaf I can't really talk to her at length on the phone so proper chats have to wait until I see her (not often enough).

― Archel (Archel), Tuesday, 19 August 2003 07:32 (twenty-two years ago)

I have ups & downs with my mum, in that sometimes I want/need to tell her everything & other times I don't want her knowing anything. When I had some bad news recently, the first person I wanted to speak to was my mum, so I called her on her mobile & unfortunately she was on holiday sitting on a beach! Still, we chatted for 20 mins, well she chatted, I just cried. Sometimes my dad finds it difficult to talk about that sort of thing with me, but when pressed, he is always very helpful & supportive. So I guess I am lucky in that respect, but I know lots of people who have to put a brave face on the whole time with their folks.

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Tuesday, 19 August 2003 07:36 (twenty-two years ago)

change the phone number

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Tuesday, 19 August 2003 14:02 (twenty-two years ago)

Two years ago, I almost killed myself (i.e. a very serious attempt that came very close to success) and my 23 year marriage ended (the connections between the two are more complex than you might think, and not the issue here). My mother has always attacked and belittled me and I was in no fit state to handle that. I couldn't entirely avoid talking to her, so I thought I'd try talking seriously and honestly to her. So I tried telling her that I was very distressed and fragile... and I didn't get far into it when she said "I don't want to hear about any of that. I don't want to know how you feel. All this has upset me terribly..." and cue her complaining about how much I had upset her, with very clear implications that I was not being considerate of her feelings.

I've not tried since.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Tuesday, 19 August 2003 18:52 (twenty-two years ago)

Group hug!

― Spinktor the Unmerciful (mawill5), Tuesday, 19 August 2003 20:16 (twenty-two years ago)

They get confused. Or make a stupid joke about, like, Yoda.

― Ally (mlescaut), Tuesday, 19 August 2003 20:18 (twenty-two years ago)

my parents will both listen, and then offer advice I said I've already tried following. they mean well, but they're fairly useless.

if my mom thinks I'm emotional because of something she's done, she either tells me I'm being ridiculous or refuses to talk to me at all.

― luna (luna.c), Tuesday, 19 August 2003 20:27 (twenty-two years ago)

Haha luna is actually my sister.

― Ally (mlescaut), Tuesday, 19 August 2003 20:31 (twenty-two years ago)

hahaha the thought is ridiculous

― Ronan (Ronan), Tuesday, 19 August 2003 20:40 (twenty-two years ago)

can hungry be an emotion

― Ronan (Ronan), Tuesday, 19 August 2003 20:41 (twenty-two years ago)

Haha yes.

― Ally (mlescaut), Tuesday, 19 August 2003 20:47 (twenty-two years ago)

this is an actual exchange from over two years ago, as verbatim as I can make it:

ME: What do you do when you feel like you just keep giving and giving and giving and you never feel like you get anything back?

MOM: Hmm. Well. You better talk to your Dad! R**!

DAD: What?

MOM: Your son wants to know what it's like when you just keep giving and giving and you never get anything back. I told him he needs to ask you about that.

DAD: Okay

(dad picks up phone)

ME: Yeah, Dad, (repeats question, obv at low point in current relationship)

DAD: Oh! Well that's life!! Ha ha.

― Millar (Millar), Tuesday, 19 August 2003 21:17 (twenty-two years ago)

i hug my dad when i come home and when i leave. we don't talk about stuff, hes not into involved parenting, never has been, unless you piss him off. in the past i talked to mum and trusted her on a much deeper level than i do now. she wasn't very nice to me when i came out and hasn't accepted that part of me, so i have had to renegotiate the friendship. i'm not close to my older sister though i like her, i can't STAND my older brother he is SATAN'S BUTTHOLE. my little brother is almost 14 and thus embarassed to hell by his entire family but hes always been a sweet kid so the phase will pass.

― The Lady Ms Lurex (lucylurex), Tuesday, 19 August 2003 21:30 (twenty-two years ago)

My parents and siblings would all be thrilled to bits if I expressed emotion to them on some kind of regular basis (or, y'know, in any form at all, ever), the very fact that they'd like it so much is maybe what causes me to consciously and consistently avoid doing so almost entirely. I really hope that this changes before too long, though I certainly don't want to swing to the other emotionally-incontinent extreme, which is a bit of a genuine fear.

― Alex in Doncaster (Alex in Doncaster), Tuesday, 19 August 2003 21:39 (twenty-two years ago)

Almost everyone in my family is twisted, bitter, disillusioned, battered, self-deprecating, and brilliant. So natch they have amazing senses of humor, almost never succeed in biting their tongues, and love each other and me immensely, thank you very much. I often phone my parents drunk and start screaming about how they have to read this new book FUCKING TODAY!!!!

No complaints. As an adult.

(Well, they do insist on living out their lives in the middle of nowhere so it's a pain to ever see them, but that's OK. There are other people on the planet to get to know.)

― Ann Sterzinger (Ann Sterzinger), Tuesday, 19 August 2003 22:01 (twenty-two years ago)

Relationshipwise Mum>Sister that doesn't live with me>Sister that lives with me, though all of us are closer than we were before dad died.

I think there's a point that some people get to sooner and some later, where you realise that society is not based around supporting the freaks, but everyone's a freak, so fuck it, people should look out for people.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 19 August 2003 22:22 (twenty-two years ago)

Haha if I bitch about something to my mom, she invariably replies "Well, join the club!" "Mom, I just got hit by a car! I wish I was dead, the pain the pain!" "Haha join the club, what the fuck!"

― Ally (mlescaut), Wednesday, 20 August 2003 00:13 (twenty-two years ago)

My mum's great to talk to but kinda into not keeping these things in mind unless they're actually being discussed, my dad's more into being the ONLY SAD PERSON IN THE HOUSE cos of his epic struggles w/work and also he's jealous of me anyway, so he's not too much help.

― Andrew Blood Thames (Andrew Thames), Wednesday, 20 August 2003 00:32 (twenty-two years ago)

"Haha if I bitch about something to my mom, she invariably replies "Well, join the club!" "Mom, I just got hit by a car! I wish I was dead, the pain the pain!" "Haha join the club, what the fuck!"
-- Ally (mlescau...), August 20th, 2003."

When I was a kid I used to want to punch my dad for always saying "life's not fair" when I was pissed off about something neither of us had any control over. Now I'm glad he didn't blow sunshine up my ass and teach me that things were going to be fair because they AREN'T. I pity the foo whose ma raise him an optimist. I'm an unbelievably cheerful pessimist now and it suits me fine.

― Ann Sterzinger (Ann Sterzinger), Wednesday, 20 August 2003 02:34 (twenty-two years ago)

Mom and I rarely talk about emotional matters because she either tells me to snap out of it or to grow up or something similar, but when we face things together that require us to love each other and be there for each other, it works. Mom's a bit more distant than a number of other moms whose children I've befriended, but I do know she cares about me. Dad was the one who was unafraid of expressing emotion or talking over stuff with me. I could tell him something that saddened me or made me ecstatic and he would listen patiently and make me feel like my emotions were being validated.

― Jane Datsun (Dee the Lurker), Wednesday, 20 August 2003 03:02 (twenty-two years ago)

hahaha the thought is ridiculous

on the money.

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Wednesday, 20 August 2003 03:07 (twenty-two years ago)

Martin - I really admire your courage, 'cause I read how on other threads you've talked about getting through that.

I certainly hit a very serious low point as a teenager; at the time and since, I could always count on my mother to bemoan how horrible, miserable, embarrassing and stressful it was. For her. I've realized bringing up the subject is just a massive waste of time and energy, & that in general I'm prob the only grown-up in my family, so why try and change a bunch of emotional 12-year-olds.

― daria g (daria g), Wednesday, 20 August 2003 05:22 (twenty-two years ago)

I rarely talk about my feelings to anyone. My mum always senses when something is really going badly for me, and usually says "I know you probably don't want to talk to me about it but if there's anything you need from me then you can always ask." I think my dad also picks up on how I'm feeling, but is less inclined to enquire (I think he's similiar to me in his reserve).

Sometimes I talk to both or either of them, and I've found them really understanding, supportive, and helpful. (except for one occasion involving my dad, but he had misunderstood my situation) They're great people.

― Andrew (enneff), Wednesday, 20 August 2003 09:01 (twenty-two years ago)

I don't think being nice to your kids is going to bring them up to be some kind of wild eyed optimist Ann, seriously what nonsense.

― Ronan (Ronan), Wednesday, 20 August 2003 09:07 (twenty-two years ago)

Telling them that (eg) Everything Happens For A Reason is only being nice to them in the short term, is I think what she's saying.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Wednesday, 20 August 2003 10:02 (twenty-two years ago)

yeah its just a lame idea that some parents are out there bringing up naive and overly optimistic children, would that it was possible even.

― Ronan (Ronan), Wednesday, 20 August 2003 10:05 (twenty-two years ago)

and being pessimistic isn't in any way advantageous, unless you want something to talk about on a messageboard. Who'd want to bring up their kids to be free from ambition or optimism?

― Ronan (Ronan), Wednesday, 20 August 2003 10:07 (twenty-two years ago)

this thread makes me sad

― stevem (blueski), Wednesday, 20 August 2003 10:09 (twenty-two years ago)

Daria, thanks.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Wednesday, 20 August 2003 16:23 (twenty-two years ago)

I've never expressed any sort of emotion to either of my parents, they are too busy talking about themselves to listen.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Wednesday, 20 August 2003 16:25 (twenty-two years ago)

My family is a seething caldron of emotion. We are all very happy with that.

― Aimless, Wednesday, 20 August 2003 16:27 (twenty-two years ago)

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