Angry

'Isn't this person a bit...angry?' is how people in a secure position demonise those who are not. They then do not have to engage with the source of/reason for the anger, especially if they are the source.

The couple of times I've got angry with Emma, she's been absolutely terrified, just because it's so totally unusual.

At work, if I get angry about something and manage it properly - i.e. control it, but don't bottle it up, and people know it's justified, then they will work harder to sort the situation out, and try and make sure it doesn't happen again.

It's not just about getting angry and managing it, it depends on who is on the receiving end and their relationship with the angry person.

But on the other hand, I get very, very angry, possibly in a slightly self-righteous way, when someone close to me is being fucked over. But then I'm sure everyone does that.

I never shout at people, or overtly show anger. Possibly because I don't feel it much.

I am quite aggressive in other arguments at times, though only if I don't really care about winning the argument so much as ridiculing something I think is ludicrous. I get angry about yes losing the cheese grater and stuff all the time, I break stuff, fling the remote, that's just minor bad temper. I get angry in the car aswell, all the time.

I don't know if anger achieves anything, in writing it may do but then again it may not. I know if I'm trying to tear apart an argument I think is rubbish, anger often feels like an accelerator for my logic, and it also can make your rebuttal seem more urgent, if it's in print that is.

I feel like such an awful person having answered all these questions, I hope you all knew that otherwise I seem two faced.

Yeah angry is strong, but you can be measured and still express a strong feeling of dislike or disgust. I know the type of thing you mean Tom, over the top and polemical but it is possible to write a piece basically saying what is this all about, and my personal preference would be to allow a little bit of anger to seep in. Controlled explosions.

(when I can focus it it often becomes a useful tool to fight procrastination - when I can't focus it it eventually dissolves into apathy and that's almost worse)

i get angry at the drop of a hat but it does tend to fade as quickly as it appeared

I'm angry all the time. It's because I'm not happy with myself. It sucks.

I don't really get angry at people, or at least I don't stay angry at them. I really think it's important not to get angry if you can possibly avoid it.

it makes me feel benevolent.

my drug-pushing-phsrink, on the other hand, usually changes every other year. my first one used to go to dead kennedys shows when he was 18.

oh i thought you meant when you see her at home :/

i do! but we have to make those plans :/

i don't get people who don't get angry at certain stuff

I kind of do care about nothing, though, compared to you at least!

Not typically in the past, but the longer my period of unemployment drags on with absolutely no positive sign of and end I find myself getting really angry at least three or four times a week.

i feel like i need to be sometimes. not necessarily at individuals. if i am happy too long i feel bored. it sounds bad but it's prob how i get anything done in my life tbh
i dunno about maria's specific problem though :/

i get angry all the time but am easily distracted from it

Maria, I'm exactly the same and for some reason I get madder at close friends for saying something a bit patronising or stupid (and not realising it) than I would with strangers. I guess you have higher expectations of your friends. Anyway I think whatever you say about it will reinforce their idea that you're the one with the problem rather than make them realise it was them. Infuriating but I've yet to find a way around this...

Anyway I think whatever you say about it will reinforce their idea that you're the one with the problem rather than make them realise it was them.

yup

like i know she didn't apologize for the right thing but sometimes it's all you can hope for

you guys are right in general but i got lucky this time, i totally underestimated her...i basically told her i was still upset when we were dealing with the plans, and she gave me a hug and said "i really wasn't thinking at all when i said that, i'm sorry, i was making a flippant comment but i really don't think that about you." far kinder than i expected, if i were in her place i probably would've been defensive.

:)

strategies for not being angry. need some help here.

i'm not gonna go into details except it has to do with major life upheaval, the course of which i am not in control of but have to deal with the consequences of. let's just say that i've had about a month now of periodic surges of anger and resentment. and i think they're "justified," or at least understandable, but that's sort of not the point. because i don't like being angry and resentful, it makes me feel lousy. and obviously doesn't make anything else any better either. past a point it just feels self-indulgent, lashing out because i can. for a while i think there was some healthy or least inevitable venting aspect to it, but now it just leaves me feeling sour and exhausted. so i'd prefer to divert it, not indulge it.

being around friends helps. not being around the person i'm angry at helps. taking long walks helps sometimes, unless my mind flicks over to the anger & resentment channel. i think what i need is to figure out how to switch away from that as soon as it starts to flicker on.

i used to have a bad temper when i was a kid, and i worked hard as a teenager to get it under control. when people started calling me laid-back, i marked it as sort of a personal achievement of maturity. so i really don't like giving in to anger.

i know time will be the most important thing, and there's no way to accelerate that. but in the meantime, i just want to find ways to cool the jets.

look into getting a therapist maybe?

OTM...therapist might be the best way.

When it's anger at a person close to you, you kind of have to 'do' something with that anger. Distracting it, or putting it aside just turns it into bitterness, which can be worse for you in the long run than just being plain old angry. And by 'doing' something I don't necessarily mean touchy-feely talking to the person because doesn't sound feasible. If there is no way to resolve the anger you have directly with the person involved, you should still find a way to release that valve completely.

I know it's probably not something you want to dwell on, but if you don't want to involve the person who is making you angry, it's still worth looking at your own reactions, your own associations, the mechanics of everything that's making you angry, and sort of, ugh this sounds lame, problem solve another way to handle it. You can't control what happened to make you angry, but you can control your reactions, and you can work on choosing not to be angry...you know, so that you don't go straight to anger when you encounter a similar set of circumstances, or when the person is around, or mentioned. Anger gets to be kind of Pavlovian, where you find yourself reacting without even realizing it. Trying to get to know those triggers within yourself might help you to find a different way around the problem.

Maybe?

Anger gets to be kind of Pavlovian, where you find yourself reacting without even realizing it.

otm

Btw, when your anger is arroused by stuff that you cannot "do something about", the chances are good that buried somewhere under it all there's a deep, permeating sadness. This doesn't really feel any better than the anger, but it is less explosive and less likely to drive people away from you. Also, if you discover that sadness, you may eventually succeed in having it fade to the background as you come to recognize its source.

Also ime sadness is often about inevitability, and a lot of inevitability has its own inherent value apart from the sad parts, in making un-sad things dearer or richer...personally I have a supicion that this is where joy is different (and better) than happiness: joy isn't a denial of its opposite, whereas frequently happiness is simply the absence of sadness at that moment.

So anyway there's a flip side to many kinds of sadness if you ride them out.

i'm not gonna go into details except it has to do with major life upheaval, the course of which i am not in control of but have to deal with the consequences of.

my take is (and i think a decent therapist would tell you) that this underlying situation is going to result in anger. your emotional state is a direct response to objective factors in life. unhealthy or damaging demonstrations or indulgence of anger is something to work out -- talking to a counselor is otm a+ advice -- but you have to address root causes at some point.

true, thx, those are all good observations. the therapist angle doesn't really appeal to me -- i don't have anything against therapy or therapists, but tbh talking to friends (or, like, random people on the internet) probably accomplishes about as much for me. because it's not like i don't understand why i'm angry -- the root causes are all too evident -- or have any particular doubt about getting past the angry phase at some point (hopefully in the not-too-distant future), because i've been through bad things before and i know things change. a lot of it is just riding out the storm.

but it's more about dealing with it in the short term. my goal has sort of been to get through a whole day without dwelling on it all, and i don't think i've actually managed to do that yet, but there have been some where it's been mostly a remote thing. definitely true that the underlying cause is sadness and hurt -- anger is a secondary emotion, like they say -- and there are times where instead of being angry i'm just totally bummed out. not that that feels a whole lot better, but the aftertaste isn't as bad. anyway. i think the key for me is really going to be acceptance and forgiveness. those seem like sort of distant shores at the moment, but there are good days (or good hours) where i get a good glimpse of them. maybe just focusing more on that will help. being angry is all about looking backward at this point.

tipsy I can very much relate to how you feel right now. I'm in a situ I guess a lot of you now know about, and it has made me in turn angry, frustrated and greif stricken but I havent dealt with it right. I've just lashed out at the person in irrational ways (usually after some drinks) and they act all confused and defensive which just turns me into a guilty confused mess.

then it just hardens into a ball of bitter toffee in my guts and makes me ill. I'm just now trying to let it all go. I dont like being outwardly angry - I'm not a yeller or thrower - so it all internalises and knots me up and I just ruin myself.

This is something I've pondered for quite a while. I too am wondering if therapy is an idea tho everyone is saying "look in your situation you have every right to be furious and frankly you seem to be handling this well".

But theyre not seeing my daily sobfests and drinking and the inside of my head which is sometimes like, as Nath said way upthread, a scream of white noise.

Have y'all tried running, or working out when you feel angry? The knot in your stomach could be adrenalin, and, and vigorous exercise would use that up. If you don't use it, it will hang around in your system and cause you to feel stressed. Chronic stress will make you more tired and irritable and keep the cycle going...

I'm always angry about low-level stuff, it's not a bad way to vent if your loved ones don't take it too seriously (which thankfully they don't, it amuses them). actual crisis stuff, i tend to deal with quite calmly i think.

the 'take up running' or some similar activity is a hackneyed cliché, and it's also 100% otm ime

Well my apologies for the cliche (how mortified am I), but it didn't seem to have been mentioned up there.

it's also 100% otm ime

think you missed that part!

maybe he doesn't understand "otm ime"

oh, my bad. posting on ilx too long etc

Nah I saw it but the writer in me privileges cliche avoidance over good advice.

And am not a he. ;)

P.S. I may look new but I've been around, ooh, um, a long time.

ah, hence the name

or u just old, either way

um i'm just gonna append that with a friendly :) on reflection, just in case.

yeah exercise is a good way to channel the energy, i agree. and it really is an energy, just like john lydon sez. the hard thing for me is if i'm like sitting at my desk when a wave of anger hits, and there's this sort of great need to do something but not obvious way to vent it or diffuse it. but even there, i guess getting up and going for a walk around the block is probably a good idea.

Yep, a walk and if you can walk to somewhere secluded maybe a bit of yelling and stuff. I love yelling at nobody, because it takes about 30 seconds for me to start feeling silly and then the anger just kind of goes poof into nothing.

(Both assumptions are correct, darraghmac. At least, I feel pretty old atm.)

I've struggled with some messed up shit while sitting at my work-desk, and I've noticed that the hurts & problems feel about 500% bigger when I'm sort of bored, sort of frustrated, helpless in front of my computer at the office. Whereas if I'm home, busy, or doing something challenging or productive, I'm not unaware of the same issues, but I feel balanced and equipped to keep them in perspective. I feel like a whole person, a strong and useful person who will deal with things in their proper time.

Desk jobs: what's wrong with people today.

has anyone ever done guided imagery (or directed imagery)? sort of like mini-meditation exercises? someone i know recommended it, i've read a little about it. seems in some ways almost absurdly simple, but i can see where it might be helpful in just sort of resetting yr mindstate.

Desk jobs: what's wrong with people today.

Seriously.

Also lack of sleep. But that's more about general wellbeing than anger specifically.

agree re desk job thing. good advice upthread, probably gonna take much of it myself.

I've noticed that the hurts & problems feel about 500% bigger when I'm sort of bored, sort of frustrated, helpless in front of my computer at the office.

otm xpost

Desk jobs OTM, also desk jobs probably a big cause of the lack of sleep.

xxxpost - Tipsy, re guided meditations. It kind of depends on how open-ended the imagery is, and where your head is at, among other things. Sounds weird, but I had a couple of bad reactions to guided meditations a long time ago - one was "imagine a room" and then they guide you through 'you're looking out the window', blah blah...problem was the 'room' I found myself in was the hospital room that my grandmother died in, and I ended up needing another hour afterwardswith the person leading the meditation to calm myself down. Not the fault of the meditation of course, obviously my brain was working in some weird ways...but it can take you to some pretty weird places if you're as repressed as I am, lol. I do have a couple of friends who have done really well with guided meditation for pretty heavy stress issues, so I think the short answer is it depends on the person?

Yeah totally agree on the desk job bit, thats where I stew the worst, cause I am stuck there and the day drags by and I have internet in front of me with nothing happening on it and I overthink everything. Gah!

update: not so angry.

i actually did a little guided imagery -- or i guess self-guided imagery, i found a website with some good suggestions as jumping-off points and one of the things there helped a lot. left me with some sort of surprising mental images that made sense to me and helped define the situation for me more clearly. not that anything is as simple as doing one exercise and saying, "oh, i'm all happy now." but i was already at a point where i was just so tired of feeling angry/resentful/hurt that i was sort of open to other ways to think about things.

also, i went to see mastodon and baroness friday night. i don't know if metal is part of any standard therapy routines, but maybe it should be. i felt great at the end of that show.

Anger is my "anxiety", I guess. In that's it's the kind of free floating thing that fucks up a lot of my life. I find myself just angry and I don't know why, so it attaches itself to stupid things like idiot women who cut in front of me getting on the bus (and then I get really angry and refuse to let them out ahead of me when it's time to get off the bus.)

I've struggled with some messed up shit while sitting at my work-desk, and I've noticed that the hurts & problems feel about 500% bigger when I'm sort of bored, sort of frustrated, helpless in front of my computer at the office.

^^^^^^This is so absolutely true.

When I get angry, I don't actually bother to talk through things and get to the bottom of them. I used to shout, now I walk away fuming. 750words.com helps with that, so I don't spew my anger all over other people. But it doesn't stop the seething anger from building up like lava from time to time.

Doctor said something completely interesting about PMT yesterday - that the irritability of PMT time is a rational response to and a form of processing inner physical pain that happens around that part of the month - and depending on the individual, the duration and severity of physical pain is what changes the mood - he seemed to suggest the hormonal was trailing pain as a factor in PMT and should be treated accordingly.

Interesting. Mental state as coming directly from un-noted physical state is a better explanation that those vague "oh, it's hormones" kinds of explanations.

(Except in this case, I'm not in any pain nor PMT-ing, I don't think. Just my ambient level of anger is a bit raised, probably due to sensation of powerlessness/trappedness.)

I've struggled with some messed up shit while sitting at my work-desk, and I've noticed that the hurts & problems feel about 500% bigger when I'm sort of bored, sort of frustrated, helpless in front of my computer at the office.

haha god that is true isn't it

Few things in life are as difficult as having a legitimate reason for being angry, but having absolutely no way to solve the problem or outlet for said anger. In short, fuck real estate agents that TELL YOU what price to ask for your house, then come back four months later and tell you that it was completely unrealistic. YOU picked that fucking price, not us, thank you for dicking us around.

a thing i sometimes do when i read something on the internet is stomp so crossly away from my laptop that i stub my toe REALLY BADLY*

i did this again last night and one of YOU SOPPY LOT is responsible (ok i am responsible: not for being cross at a silly post but for managing it so stupidly when i know better)

*i have broken** it i think
**i probably haven't broken it and anyway it's my little toe and they'll just say walk on it to mend it

Please remember the post so I can ask you about it next time :)

broken metatextual

hangry

Man it feels good to be angry sometimes. Cut through the bullshit, the emotion, the lethargy.