Funniest thing you've seen/heard today

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On a student enrollment form, where people authorized to pick up the child, etc are listed, a man's name is put down and in the blank for "relationship" it said "boyfriend/baby's daddy".

― Texas Sam (thatgirl), Thursday, 21 August 2003 14:43 (twenty-two years ago)

On an expenses form handed in by a rather dippy girl, she listed the type of car she owned as "Red".

― Lynskey (Lynskey), Thursday, 21 August 2003 15:12 (twenty-two years ago)

My hair when I woke up this morning. It had dried into a very weird shape.

― Lara (Lara), Thursday, 21 August 2003 15:19 (twenty-two years ago)

Once again: going into shop + paying with brand new credit card = girl behind counter handing me slip, I sign, she turns over card to compare signatures, says 'this isn't signed!', I take it back, sign it, hand it back and she very carefully compares the signatures, seems happy enough that they match, hands me back card and purchase, wishes me a nice day.

― luna (luna.c), Thursday, 21 August 2003 15:30 (twenty-two years ago)

Haha I always wondered the thought process behind that line of reasoning myself.

― Ally (mlescaut), Thursday, 21 August 2003 15:34 (twenty-two years ago)

Use of the random button today brought me a lurid tale about Calvin & Hobbes that was pretty funny.

I like luna's story.

― James Ball (James Ball), Thursday, 21 August 2003 15:44 (twenty-two years ago)

Sadly, this is about the third time it's happened.

― luna (luna.c), Thursday, 21 August 2003 15:58 (twenty-two years ago)

Earlier today, I was attempting to wrap a birthday present for my father and became infuriated because I could not find the start of the reel of tape in order to peel off a suitable strip. I wondered why this problem still persisted in the 21st C. Evidently, we do NOT have the technology.

This afternoon, Nic sent me the following text:

"I've bought a book about the history of sticky tape. It sounds like a good read, but I can't find the beginning."

No? I thought it reminiscent of a Steven Wright one-liner.

― Matt Thurgood (Matt T), Thursday, 21 August 2003 16:10 (twenty-two years ago)

Luna - It's your wily signature, it's shifty, can't nobody trust it!

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Thursday, 21 August 2003 16:10 (twenty-two years ago)

("Nic" is Nicola, my partner, by the way).

― Matt Thurgood (Matt T), Thursday, 21 August 2003 16:11 (twenty-two years ago)

http://www.msnbc.com/news/955071.asp?0ql=c8p

― BLACKOUT '03! (Jody Beth Rosen), Thursday, 21 August 2003 16:26 (twenty-two years ago)

I work at a radio station.

The classic rock station's music server locked up, knocking them off the air. The jock had to grab the emergency CD and stick that in. He's looking at this locked up computer screen, trying frantically to get the engineer on the intercom, when this listener calls in and says "Why do y'all always just play the SAME OL' SHIT?"

The jock clenched his jaw and looked down on the floor while I laughed my ass off. Better him than me.

― Pleasant Plains (Pleasant Plains), Thursday, 21 August 2003 16:32 (twenty-two years ago)

i work in a stuffy law office. a few minutes ago, this woman from the title insurance department stuck her head into my cubicle and said, "I need an enema!" then she turned around and walked away.

― Emilymv (Emilymv), Thursday, 21 August 2003 16:44 (twenty-two years ago)

From a five year old kid in the corner store of my office:
"Do you want to lick my jellyfish? I made it out of my mom's sweat sock. No? Well can I help you find a birthday card, then?"
And it was a dirty sweat sock, I might add. It had eyes.

― ac, Thursday, 21 August 2003 18:38 (twenty-two years ago)

I think you did the right thing - in my limited jellyfish licking experience, it's just not good.

― luna (luna.c), Thursday, 21 August 2003 18:44 (twenty-two years ago)

Your office must be pretty fucking big to have its own corner store.

― NA (Nick A.), Thursday, 21 August 2003 18:48 (twenty-two years ago)

100 children show up in front lobby with adult.

Adult: Hi, we're here for a tour of the radio station!

Co-worker: Ummmmmmm....who did you schedule the tour with?

Adult: No one. We're from the Boys & Girls Club.

― teeny (teeny), Thursday, 21 August 2003 18:52 (twenty-two years ago)

NA: I think she meant the office building (I know you were kidding, though).

― Bryan (Bryan), Thursday, 21 August 2003 18:56 (twenty-two years ago)

The next time I want to get in somewhere, I'm just gonna shanghai a preschool and be all "We're from the Boys and Girls Club, yeah."

"... and you're 'touring' the Jim Rose Circus?"

"Step off, Binky, I can trigger like a dozen tamper tantrums by snapping my fingers."

― Tep (ktepi), Thursday, 21 August 2003 19:00 (twenty-two years ago)

That is what I meant. I'm kind of a knob.
But it is pretty fucking big.

― ac, Thursday, 21 August 2003 19:04 (twenty-two years ago)

it's so true Tep, we totally caved and found a sucker to give them a tour. But that sucker wasn't me, so I win.

― teeny (teeny), Thursday, 21 August 2003 19:06 (twenty-two years ago)

This could be exploited for mad profits and entertainment opportunities. I gotta go find me some pliable children!

― Tep (ktepi), Thursday, 21 August 2003 19:12 (twenty-two years ago)

That just doesn't sound right.

― Bruce Urquhart (Bruce Urquhart), Thursday, 21 August 2003 19:15 (twenty-two years ago)

Shhh, get my sidekick in here, he'll patch things up. It's possible that by "sidekick" I mean "spin doctor who lawyers when necessary."

― Tep (ktepi), Thursday, 21 August 2003 19:16 (twenty-two years ago)

My child can cry on command.. or at least easily anyway. I'll donate his service in exchange for beer and vinegar chicken.

― luna (luna.c), Thursday, 21 August 2003 19:48 (twenty-two years ago)

I'll need about nineteen more like him, so the chicken is contingent on the chillun.

― Tep (ktepi), Thursday, 21 August 2003 19:54 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm not having 19 more kids for you or for anyone, I don't care how good your chicken is.

― luna (luna.c), Thursday, 21 August 2003 20:08 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh like you can't fake a cry yourself, luna

― oops (Oops), Thursday, 21 August 2003 20:09 (twenty-two years ago)

Yes, but I don't exactly look like a little kid. Sure, I could stoop, but no 1st grader had tits like these, slick.

― luna (luna.c), Thursday, 21 August 2003 20:12 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh, you'd be surprised...

― oops (Oops), Thursday, 21 August 2003 20:20 (twenty-two years ago)

I gotta go find me some pliable children! < /mike gordon, phish>

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Thursday, 21 August 2003 20:59 (twenty-two years ago)

(wrongest thing I've ever posted)

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Thursday, 21 August 2003 21:00 (twenty-two years ago)

you'll burn in hippie hell for that one!

― teeny (teeny), Thursday, 21 August 2003 21:44 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm not having 19 more kids for you or for anyone, I don't care how good your chicken is.

I'm telling you, when I get tired of the writing thing and open Tep's Sack O' Chicken, it's gonna say right on the sign, "It's Twenty Children Good!"

― Tep (ktepi), Thursday, 21 August 2003 23:45 (twenty-two years ago)

Tep that is the funniest thing in the world.

My new doctor who I met today has the worlds biggest combover. If he got tired of covering his bald spot, he could wear his hair as a scarf.

― Nellie (nellskies), Friday, 22 August 2003 01:45 (twenty-two years ago)

a very tan old man at the beach with a broken wrist wearing a thong.

― hstencil, Friday, 22 August 2003 01:48 (twenty-two years ago)

dear god this thread is hilarious

― cinniblount (James Blount), Friday, 22 August 2003 01:57 (twenty-two years ago)

Cinniblount is hilarious.

― Ally-zay (mlescaut), Friday, 22 August 2003 02:24 (twenty-two years ago)

Ally-zay!

― cinniblount (James Blount), Friday, 22 August 2003 02:26 (twenty-two years ago)

High fives for pally!

― Ally-zay (mlescaut), Friday, 22 August 2003 02:29 (twenty-two years ago)

you can never have too much!

― cinniblount (James Blount), Friday, 22 August 2003 02:41 (twenty-two years ago)

jess to thread to throw up on us.

― Ally-zay (mlescaut), Friday, 22 August 2003 02:47 (twenty-two years ago)

http://theorginalsoundtrack.com/ile/jess2.jpg

― Mike Taylor (mjt), Friday, 22 August 2003 02:51 (twenty-two years ago)

http://www.theorginalsoundtrack.com/ile/jess2.jpg

― Mike Taylor (mjt), Friday, 22 August 2003 02:52 (twenty-two years ago)

I tried twice, I guess it was not meant to be.

― Mike Taylor (mjt), Friday, 22 August 2003 02:52 (twenty-two years ago)

was it a picture of jess puking on us?

― Ally-zay (mlescaut), Friday, 22 August 2003 02:55 (twenty-two years ago)

― cinniblount (James Blount), Friday, 22 August 2003 03:00 (twenty-two years ago)

hahahahahahaha!

― Ally-zay (mlescaut), Friday, 22 August 2003 03:04 (twenty-two years ago)

"corny indie fuxx"

― Ally-zay (mlescaut), Friday, 22 August 2003 03:06 (twenty-two years ago)

I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING

― Ally-zay (mlescaut), Friday, 22 August 2003 03:11 (twenty-two years ago)

strongo's gonna kill me

― cinniblount (James Blount), Friday, 22 August 2003 03:14 (twenty-two years ago)

You're really lucky that you and my sister share a first name, as I apparently overwrote the picture I have of you in dress uniform on my server with a picture of her dressed up as Sigmund Freud. Otherwise you would've SOOOO just gotten burned for doing that to strongo!

― Ally-zay (mlescaut), Friday, 22 August 2003 03:18 (twenty-two years ago)

you have a sister names James?

― cinniblount (James Blount), Friday, 22 August 2003 03:26 (twenty-two years ago)

No, her name is cinniblount.

― Ally-zay (mlescaut), Friday, 22 August 2003 03:27 (twenty-two years ago)

The only thing standing between me and reading this conversation as taking place between a pastry and a liqueur is a couple of NyQuil.

― Tep (ktepi), Friday, 22 August 2003 03:28 (twenty-two years ago)

http://www.cinnabon.com/graphics/cinnabon.jpg

http://www.greensbeverages.com/spirits/alizesmall-o.jpg

http://www.nmafaculty.org/images/nyquil_large.jpg

http://bitchcakes.topcities.com/images/james.jpg
=

http://www.theoriginalsoundtrack.com/ile/jess2.jpg

― Ally-zay (mlescaut), Friday, 22 August 2003 03:32 (twenty-two years ago)

Wow that nyquil is life sized.

― Ally-zay (mlescaut), Friday, 22 August 2003 03:33 (twenty-two years ago)

Did you just try to turn me into jess? Cause I can make you dead to me again. (No offense to jess.)

― Tep (ktepi), Friday, 22 August 2003 03:45 (twenty-two years ago)

Alize and a cinnabun actually sounds really good, even though I don't really like cinnabuns.

― Tep (ktepi), Friday, 22 August 2003 03:48 (twenty-two years ago)

: (

― cinniblount (James Blount), Friday, 22 August 2003 03:55 (twenty-two years ago)

I don't dislike cinniblount, but you wouldn't want me to eat you and wash you down with fruity cognac anyway!

― Tep (ktepi), Friday, 22 August 2003 03:59 (twenty-two years ago)

Once again: going into shop + paying with brand new credit card = girl behind counter handing me slip, I sign, she turns over card to compare signatures, says 'this isn't signed!', I take it back, sign it, hand it back and she very carefully compares the signatures, seems happy enough that they match, hands me back card and purchase, wishes me a nice day.
-- luna (luna_cee...), August 21st, 2003.

Exactly the same thing happened to me a couple of years ago! Incredible. I never forgot it. It was like being in a black comedy inspired by George Orwell.

― colin s barrow (colin s barrow), Friday, 22 August 2003 04:06 (twenty-two years ago)

my mom started singing "how can i miss you when you won't go away". an entire verse. this is why i'm weird.

― Maria (Maria), Friday, 22 August 2003 04:09 (twenty-two years ago)

I didn't go to work this morning because I'd worked 16 hours the day before. Slept in and around 9 hear the boyfriend stomping around.

"Oh shit! I got milk at the store yesteday but there's none in the fridge!"

(stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp creak slam)

(faintly, from outdoors) "GAAAAAAAAAAAA! HOLY FUCK!"

(creak slam stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp)

He opens the bedroom door: "The milk turned to yogurt and exploded in my hatchback. It looks like when they shot that kid in Pulp Fiction. Except with, like, dairy."

Me: "It was a hundred and five yesterday."

Him: "Fuck."

― teeny (teeny), Friday, 22 August 2003 17:01 (twenty-two years ago)

first line of letter in today's guardian:

"After 60 years, I can still remember the taste of burnt-lavender-flavoured sick."

― mark s (mark s), Friday, 22 August 2003 17:58 (twenty-two years ago)

Over lunch, I decided to celebrate Friday by getting a frozen coffee drink and reading free magazines at Barnes and Noble. I picked up a Cosmo, which I hadn't read in about 2 years probably. That thing is hilarious! It had a section on how to help your sulky boyfriend. Firstly, it said that men get sulky because their masculinity has been threatened somehow, like having problems at work. So, you should ask them to fix your Tivo or your car or something. Also, they like to vent through physical activity, so you should suggest going jogging together.

But the thing that made me laugh out loud was one of those bolded sentences at the bottom of a page, just a little random helpful hint, that read something like,
BRING OUT YOUR BOYFRIEND'S EMOTIONS: ASK HIM WHAT HE WOULD DO WITH THE MONEY IF HE WON THE LOTTERY
Maybe now, finally, after close to 5 years of dating Nick I can discover who he really is deep down... I'll just sit him down and take his hand and say, "Nick, we need to have a relationship talk... It's about the lottery..."

― Sarah MCLusky (coco), Friday, 22 August 2003 18:05 (twenty-two years ago)

Except we have that conversation like every other day.

― NA (Nick A.), Friday, 22 August 2003 18:09 (twenty-two years ago)

Harry Wong publishers:

http://www.harrywong.com/

I came across this company at the bookstore I work at.

― A Nairn (moretap), Friday, 22 August 2003 18:12 (twenty-two years ago)

Because you win the lottery every other day, Nick? Share.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 22 August 2003 18:15 (twenty-two years ago)

Well I lost an eye in Mexico
Lost two teeth where I don't know
Em People see me comin' and they move to the other side of the road

I robbed a liquor store or two
Made myself at home a few times
Borrowed myself a car when I needed it

I got me a shack at the bottom of the road
Fixin' cars and givin' tows
Spend all my money on the lottery

When I win the lottery, gonna buy all girls on my block
A color TV and a bottle of French perfume
When I win the lottery, gonna donate half my money to the city
So they have to name a street or a school or a park after me
when I win the lottery

Never run a flag up a pole
Like Mr. Red, White, and Blue down the road
But I never called myself a hero for killing a known communist

Now I can walk into any old bar
Find a fight without looking too hard
But I never killed someone I don't know just 'cause someone told me to

And when I win the lottery, gonna buy the house next to
Mr. Red, White and Blue
And when I win the lottery, gonna buy Post 306 American Legion,
Paint it red with five gold stars
When I win the lottery

When the end comes to this old world
The rights will cry and the rest will curl up
And God won't take the time to sort your ass from mine

'Cause we zig and zag between good and bad
Stumble and fall on right and wrong
'Cause the tumbling dice and the luck of the draw just leads us on

And when I win the lottery, gonna buy all the girls on my block
Silver-plated six shooters and a quart of the finest highland scotch
'Cause when I win the lottery, the rights will shake their heads and say that
God is good but surely works in mysterious ways
When I win the lottery

(damn you Nairn and your x-post! j/k)

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Friday, 22 August 2003 18:15 (twenty-two years ago)

Harry Wong is like a god in the field of pedagogy. That book you see when you click that link is literally given to every new teacher. I was just rereading it the other day. But funny, as much as I've had "Harry Wong" pounded into my head in education career, I never saw the comic potential contained!

― Texas Sam (thatgirl), Friday, 22 August 2003 18:16 (twenty-two years ago)

pounded into my head heh heh.

― teeny (teeny), Friday, 22 August 2003 18:19 (twenty-two years ago)

and Harry Wong is based out of San Fransico too.

― A Nairn (moretap), Friday, 22 August 2003 19:47 (twenty-two years ago)

Since this started as a form thing... our top class university had on its enrolment form the rather commonplace "Person to contact in event of an emergency". A number of our elite students write "me" in this box.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Friday, 22 August 2003 21:10 (twenty-two years ago)

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