Funny Answering Machine Messages

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the rainbow suspenders anyone can wear. anyone still rocking this style?

― Fritz Wollner (Fritz), Saturday, 23 August 2003 15:34 (twenty-three years ago)

Bruce Springsteen to thread!

― cinniblount (James Blount), Saturday, 23 August 2003 15:43 (twenty-three years ago)

My answering machine message was once a sample from Beck's "Stereopathetic Soulmanure" and it went as follows:

"Stuck out here in the sand, they shot my mule and burned my wagon. Ran out of sourdough two days ago, ain't got no more lard. God bless all you folks."

I think that was the best message I ever had.

― The Man they call Dan (The Man they call Dan), Saturday, 23 August 2003 18:33 (twenty-three years ago)

I can't resist funny answering machine messages.

― s1utsky (slutsky), Saturday, 23 August 2003 18:53 (twenty-three years ago)

I do a lot of calling at my job and I do still hear a lot of these. The ones where people go like: "Hello? Oh, hi, how are you? uh huh.... uh huh... HA! It's a machine! Leave a message!" get old really fast, especially if you have to call those people often 'cause they never answer their phone. grr.

― Dan I. (Dan I.), Saturday, 23 August 2003 19:08 (twenty-three years ago)

but some novelty messages are really funny, esp. when they have like Smooth Operator playing in the background and they speak really seductively.

― Dan I. (Dan I.), Saturday, 23 August 2003 19:08 (twenty-three years ago)

"don't be afraid, its only a machine..."

Bridget in "The Last Seduction"

maybe not funny - but cool as fuck.

― jed_e_3 (jed_e_3), Saturday, 23 August 2003 19:10 (twenty-three years ago)

George in seinfeld - sung along to a synth pop jingle type background:

"believe it or not George isn't at home
please leave a messaaaaage at the beep
i cant be here or id pick up the phone
where could i beeeee.......?

pah pah pah

Believe it or not - im not ho-o-o-ome!"

― jed_e_3 (jed_e_3), Saturday, 23 August 2003 19:43 (twenty-three years ago)

That's not just any synth pop, boy. That's the theme to The Greatest American Hero!

― Kenan Hebert (kenan), Saturday, 23 August 2003 19:55 (twenty-three years ago)

oh dear - i dont know what that is but i must check it out!

― jed_e_3 (jed_e_3), Saturday, 23 August 2003 20:08 (twenty-three years ago)

I *can* resist funny ansaphone messages.

my landlord's ex had a message where she put on the queen's voice and said that "one" had just gone out to "walk the corgies".

― MarkH (MarkH), Saturday, 23 August 2003 20:32 (twenty-three years ago)

Hahaha! Thats funny cos its so pathetic!

― jed_e_3 (jed_e_3), Saturday, 23 August 2003 20:34 (twenty-three years ago)

These are all answering machine greetings

― pedant (Oops), Saturday, 23 August 2003 20:43 (twenty-three years ago)

Four Three Two One...

We're not home now
Leave a message
We will call you
When we get back hoo-ooo-ooome!

― Kenan Hebert (kenan), Saturday, 23 August 2003 20:51 (twenty-three years ago)

neil hamburger's at the end of "great phone calls" are classic

― chaki (chaki), Saturday, 23 August 2003 20:52 (twenty-three years ago)

Mine says '[my little brother's name] is not available at the moment'. I stole my phone from my little brother.

― David. (Cozen), Saturday, 23 August 2003 20:56 (twenty-three years ago)

Mine used to go "Hello, this is Julia's espresso pot; her answering machine can't come to the phone right now. Leave your name and number and I'll put a note on the fridge!"

― j.lu (j.lu), Saturday, 23 August 2003 21:02 (twenty-three years ago)

The last time I had an answering machine with a message beyond "Leave your name and number at the beep," I did the lame "Hello? *pause* May I ask who's calling? *pause* I'm sorry, I'm not home right now..." thing. My father fell for it every damn time.

I don't like answering machines now that there are cell phones, the lesser evil.

― Tep (ktepi), Saturday, 23 August 2003 21:07 (twenty-three years ago)

it's tempting to record Jim Rockford's one from the opening credits of the Rockford Files and use that.

― MarkH (MarkH), Saturday, 23 August 2003 21:07 (twenty-three years ago)

Oh, that would be so great. You must do it.

― Kenan Hebert (kenan), Saturday, 23 August 2003 21:08 (twenty-three years ago)

There's some part in Shaft where he talks on the phone...god, can't remember what he says--I'm sure there was a 'nah, baby' in there somewhere-- but that was on my machine in college.

― oops (Oops), Saturday, 23 August 2003 21:11 (twenty-three years ago)

You must do it.

but would/could James Garner sue? I am unsure of my rights. Home Taping Is killing Reruns!

The ansphone here is old and crappy and since we've just swapped over to NTL, for some reason when an annoying telsales person rings during the day Mon-Fri when we're at work and of course doesn't record a message, we get a message anyway that says "The other person has cleared".

― MarkH (MarkH), Saturday, 23 August 2003 21:17 (twenty-three years ago)

the "what up this is dr dre" intro from "keep their heads ringin'" works well

― Fritz Wollner (Fritz), Sunday, 24 August 2003 01:25 (twenty-three years ago)

I used to have a msg that went all "yr call is very important to us, please stay on the line" making fun of being on hold, but other people found it just like being on hold: annoying.

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Sunday, 24 August 2003 01:45 (twenty-three years ago)

I used to use snippets from songs as my answering machine messages, stuff like that Ring Ring Ring De La Soul tune and some bit off that Jon Spencer remix album. Now I'm kind of unsure how to work my answering machine, so I just let the robotic female voice handle all that shit.

― Bruce Urquhart (Bruce Urquhart), Sunday, 24 August 2003 03:17 (twenty-three years ago)

As I said on the Jarvis thread, I used a sample from Pulp's 'Ansaphone' - "There's never no one home, never no one home, leave your message on the answerphone". My friends recognise Pulp and therefore take it as confirmation that it's me, and it confuses my mother and she hangs up, so it's perfect all round.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Sunday, 24 August 2003 09:28 (twenty-three years ago)

I had to write and direct the hold message for my own company. I know direct sounds a bit OTT, but it was a day in a recording studio with a voice actor and a whole loads of samples, piecing it all together. It was great fun, and the CEO loved me for it.

― Mark C (Mark C), Sunday, 24 August 2003 12:36 (twenty-three years ago)

i still have blondie - hanging on the telephone as my message. just the first four lines though.

― thuddd (thuddd), Sunday, 24 August 2003 19:45 (twenty-three years ago)

i had an answering machine message a few years ago that had "i'm not home right now but here's some belle and sebastian you can listen to while you wait" and then 'stars of track and field' played for a minute or so before the beep kicked in

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Sunday, 24 August 2003 22:58 (twenty-three years ago)

you do realize this makes you the most annoying man on the planet, just beating out carrot top, correct?

― Sterling Clover (s_clover), Monday, 25 August 2003 02:09 (twenty-three years ago)

quite probably. i took it off after a couple of days because i realised it was a bit naff

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Monday, 25 August 2003 02:10 (twenty-three years ago)

When I first moved into my own place by myself I left a voice message that said, "By the time you hear this recording, I will be dead. Thank you for calling." I left it on for less than a day, though, because my dad called and went on and on and on and on about what a bad joke it was, and eventually I agreed with him.

― jewelly (jewelly), Monday, 25 August 2003 02:20 (twenty-three years ago)

"Hi, this is Michaelangelo Matos, and I want to make sweet, passionate love to you. Leave a message."

― M Matos (M Matos), Monday, 25 August 2003 02:26 (twenty-three years ago)

Mine used to be Mr Burns answering his own phone for the first time: "Ahoy hoy? No, you have the wrong number. I suspect you need more practice working your telephone machine!" I had to change it because most people assumed they really did have the wrong number!

― Justyn Dillingham (Justyn Dillingham), Monday, 25 August 2003 03:22 (twenty-three years ago)

On my voicemail at college I had Twinkle singing "tall and brooding and bitter to the core" instead of me saying my name.

― rosemary (rosemary), Monday, 25 August 2003 04:07 (twenty-three years ago)

At college, I had the fade-out to "Cashing In" by Minor Threat on my machine: "There's no place like home/so where am I?"

― Colin Meeder (Mert), Monday, 25 August 2003 09:28 (twenty-three years ago)

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