God bless the goddamn Onion

I had a weird sensation reading some of the pieces, laughter and sadness at the same time. The tone is slightly different than usual Onion (the sidebar piece on the Arab 3rd grader), a bit less clever and more in-your-face (see the God clarifies position piece). You can feel the gravity in what they are doing here.

but i still find them very funny

to be honest i cant really think of many sources of comedy which dont use tired old formulas, or rather come up with totally new and hilarious joke formats every time....

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/onion_news1802.jpg

roffle

In the same edition, the TV guide spoof made me totally lose my shit (in the slightly unhinged mood of the time, obv)

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/38450

Especially CBS: "Dan Rather's 83rd Straight Hour On The Air / Dan Rather Seriously Loses His Shit / Medicating Dan Rather"

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/95_96_prayers_finally

I was laughing at this until the very end. That last joke seems unusually mean-spirited for the Onion.

um, the christopher reeve snipe was hardly cricket.

True. I guess that somehow escaped me when I first read it.

i liked this one because is not jello a foods

[a hrarf = this is my internets link] http://www.theonion.com/content/news/conceptual_terrorists_encase_sears[/a hraf linkthing]

I have to say, for having webbed toes you are impressively skilled at typing.

a hrarf!

I don't get why everybody's blaming the puppy for not being Socialist Realism or somethink.

I don't even know what that means and I am a hu-man.

who blames a puppy
i am lerning better, promise
the psyientests are teaching me

I didn't express myself very clearly.

Anyway, if y'all thought the "95-96 Prayers Backlog" was cold, look what I stumbled across:

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29919

okay that is awesome

the onion's had a hardon for superman for awhile - http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30382

whose balls are you, i am lookinf for mine

http://fanaticking.com/photos/Michael_Vick_Dog.jpg

i kinda forgot abt the onion but this was posted on the quantum mechanic thread and it is funnee
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/scientists_ask_congress_to_fund_50

They've really been on a roll with the cartoons - they're probably my favorite thing in the Onion now.

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Cartoon-Cage-Free-Eggs.jpg

One of my more flattering caricatures.

Ha.

I also really love that every so often there will be an editorial cartoon about the cartoonist's ex-wife.

lol
http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Cartoon-Freak-Dancing.jpg

I read the last word wrong and thought this was gonna be about
http://content.answers.com/main/content/wp/en/thumb/3/37/250px-Vina.jpg

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Teens-Turning-Backs.jpg

http://content.answers.com/main/content/wp/en/thumb/3/37/250px-Vina.jpg
who's that on the right? Jabba the Hutt?

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/mel_brooks_starts_nonprofit

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/KellyKlassicMujahideen.article.jpg

I thought a bunch of reporters bought the Onion last year?

It was purchased by the ex-CEO of Twilio, who put Ben Collins in charge.

I believe Collins (who used to work for NBC News) and Lawson teamed up to buy it, but I assume Lawson fronted most of the money. I don't think any other reporters were involved.

i wouldn't put it past AJ to just burn the building down.

he'll never damage all The Onion"s layers

He and RFK should have a gravel voice-off.

collins strikes me as a bit of a lib grifter type, but honestly good for him.

they should keep the office open and just leave AJ in there... don't kick him out, just allow him to mill about the place in perpetuity

Area Man livestreams himself shitting in corner

I am in awe

― Ned Raggett, Thursday, November 14, 2024 9:13 AM (four hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

truly amazing stuff

lol

https://bsky.app/profile/websitehomepage.bsky.social/post/3lawiqx4ct22g

Should I know who that is?

Apparently Tim Heidecker wants to get involved, that would make my fucking year

dril heidecker not really onion style but would be cool for sure

clickhole has occasionally had heidecker/dril energy, could see it.

I saw an AP story this morning that said Jones's lawyers have succeeded in getting a judge to block the sale temporarily, by claiming the bidding process was flawed.

The Washington Post story said that "the Onion did not have the highest bid." So that does seem a little bit weird for an auction.

Does it offer an explanation for why they won the auction?

suspect it may have to do with the creditors aka the sandy hook families wanted the onion to win because theyre going to take all info wars stuff offline ben collins said something about working with the families re the bid

why would jones or his lawyers have any input into this process? he lost. it's not like any of the money is going to him

Yeah my understanding is that the families could have got more from splitting it up, but that would have increased the chances that some of it would find its way back to Alex Jones. If that's the basis of the challenge, then I trust the judge will tell Jones's lawyers to eat shit.

i don't think they did; the onion did

xpost

I saw an AP story this morning that said Jones's lawyers have succeeded in getting a judge to block the sale temporarily, by claiming the bidding process was flawed.

Collins says

I wanted to give a quick update on The Onion’s purchase of InfoWars, which we can’t wait to relaunch as the dumbest site on the internet.

Long and short of it: We won the bid and — you're not going to believe it — the previous InfoWars folks aren't taking it well.

On Thursday, the person overseeing the auction told us that The Onion’s bid for InfoWars, along with the Connecticut Sandy Hook families, won.

We haven’t heard anything that changed that — except, of course, from the guys currently running InfoWars, doing InfoWars stuff.

There was a status conference with the judge overseeing the auction on Thursday shortly after we were deemed winners.

The judge had some questions about process and assets. We’re glad he’s doing that, since our bid with the families is clearly the best and transparency is even better.

There was a status conference with the judge overseeing the auction on Thursday shortly after we were deemed winners.

The judge had some questions about process and assets. We’re glad he’s doing that, since our bid with the families is clearly the best and transparency is even better.

Obviously, when the current operators of InfoWars went back to operating as a business, they used that to falsely say the auction had been overturned and allege some truly wacky stuff. Something about Saul Alinsky? God bless ‘em.

We expected all of this, obviously. Buying this site was always going to be fun later on, but annoying right away.

Anyway, we look forward to completing this process at the next scheduled court date — which, at present, is a week from Monday.

We think it’s all worth it to make a better, funnier future possible. As always: Tu Stultus Es.

If there's one thing these people hate it's being made fun of...I wonder if that's why Alex Jones took it so hard. or maybe he doesn't know what The Onion is and just reacts that way to everything

prob just mad about losing his empire, huge stash of scam supplements, and so forth

https://theonion.com/opinion/from-global-tetrahedron/

... there is (was) an ILXor called global tetrahedron!

judge blocks infowars sale to The Onion

https://www.cnn.com/2024/12/11/media/infowars-onion-lawsuit-block-hnk-intl/index.html

We can't have anything.

https://theonion.com/jealous-trump-throws-own-state-funeral-to-upstage-carters/

Leading Democratic Party Chair candidate Ken Martin says that Democrats won't take money from "those bad billionaires" but will take money from "good billionaires" pic.twitter.com/dkJbzM2Xss

— Matt Stoller (@matthewstoller) January 19, 2025

lol

was reminded of this one on bsky: https://theonion.com/fbi-uncovers-al-qaeda-plot-to-just-sit-back-and-enjoy-c-1819576375/

I receive the paper edition and it is excellent - many little jokes that I suspect are paper-only as they take advantage of the layout. like a full-page ad for Tyson chicken tenders with the tagline "Eat Around the Tumors!"

a couple of times they've filled space on an inside page by printing a continuation of an article supposedly from the front page but which actually doesn't exist, and the continuation is some horrific detail. look I'm a Mad Magazine fan. i bought boxes of Croonchy Stars. i live for this shit.

Okay, that is awesome.

oh yeah that was a common thing when i used to get the print edition regularly, maybe 25 years ago. They would fill space with some gory repeating sentence… searched and found it!: “Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood.”

https://bsky.app/profile/theonion.com/post/3lii64umprk2c

https://theonion.com/stephen-miller-enraged-after-discovering-cantaloupe-he-1828172700/

Pure magic:

https://theonion.com/tiger-woods-claims-that-in-time-he-will-fuck-everyones-ex-wife/

New book about the origin and history of the Onion is excellent.

you guys I’m sure the Onion has gone through some down periods before with it being around so long and all but

when did it become so bad, it’s so bad now

did it change after the 11th of February?

i think the Onion is still funny

I think the best way to enjoy the onion is to just follow them on your social network of choice and have an occasional onion article mixed in with all the other news/opinion stuff you are following. In that way, even something dumb like

https://theonion.com/jd-vance-rushes-to-put-wifes-head-back-on-after-fumbling-second-lady/

gets a silent chuckle from me

Seeing stories about Russell Brand and Katy Perry in their breaking news section makes me wonder if I'm still living in 2011.

Vanity Fair interviews Tim Onion (Onion CEO Ben Collins):
https://archive.ph/Ojezk

If you quote someone in yr piece and then go “…he exclusively tells Vanity Fair,” i think you should be flung into a lake of fire. unless you are using the onion’s house style ironically in an article about something onion-related.

They don’t call it vanity fair for nothing

https://theonion.com/letter-to-congress/

https://bsky.app/profile/bencollins.bsky.social/post/3lv5gsuyils2k