God bless the goddamn Onion

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It suddenly occurred to me that they were finally going to update today, so I went. Jesus H., I do love those clowns.

― Ned Raggett, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

sexy answer to put this in the sexy dirty sex sex sex new answers.

― Mr Noodles, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I'd wondered how they would address this, and I have to say they got it right. It comes at the perfect time, too, when the feelings are still raw but laughter is possible. More than anything, it brings to light how instructive their humor is.

I had a weird sensation reading some of the pieces, laughter and sadness at the same time. The tone is slightly different than usual Onion (the sidebar piece on the Arab 3rd grader), a bit less clever and more in-your-face (see the God clarifies position piece). You can feel the gravity in what they are doing here.

― Mark, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Quite right. It's a hard thing to pull off, but I think they did it very well indeed. Taking the week off was the right thing to do, and it made everything just come across that much better, methinks.

― Ned Raggett, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Surprisingly unfunny. Or not surprisingly, I think. Seems so... average... in light of news coverage of minutae of recent events and span and style of already extant coverage.

― Sterling Clover, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

For the first time in a long time it is actually funny, even if they are wheeling out some of the tired old forl\mulas again. very well handled I think. Still not private eye though.

― Ed, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I thought it was v.good. Esp. the cake one - strangely poignant. And the 'Hell sources' phrase.

― Nick, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

One of the best pieces of commentary I've seen. Somehow, even while being totally tasteless and tacky and completely hypocritical (the Gen X bit), somehow it's the most spot on thing I've seen. I sent the bit about God clarifying His no-kill policy to my priest mum.

― Kate the Saint, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I LOVE the ''Terrorists surprized To Find Selves In Hell'' one. The Onion is genius.

― rezna, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

i think the onion is like private eye re tired old formulas.

but i still find them very funny

to be honest i cant really think of many sources of comedy which dont use tired old formulas, or rather come up with totally new and hilarious joke formats every time....

― ambrose, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

What is "private eye"?

― Mark, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I liked the article about Jerry Bruckheimer films. Photo caption: "An actual scene from real life".

― Ally, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

And blessed be the current TV Go Home.

― suzy, Friday, 28 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

five years pass...

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/53599

― gabbneb (gabbneb), Monday, 9 October 2006 19:46 (nineteen years ago)

Ned completely OTM in the first post here, by the way, and now after some time lost in the archives the whole issue is available again. Though the front page is missing its graphic:

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/onion_news1802.jpg

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 16:11 (nineteen years ago)

Also, it's the September 11th issue.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 16:12 (nineteen years ago)

I love that Security Upgrades graphic so, so much. I remember the sporks line, especially.

― Laurel (Laurel), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 16:22 (nineteen years ago)

Seriously, the whole thing should have been up for a Pulitzer.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 18:11 (nineteen years ago)

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30604

roffle

― Young Fresh Danny D (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 18:29 (nineteen years ago)

I remember going through that phase

― Curt1s St3ph3ns, Wednesday, 11 October 2006 02:30 (nineteen years ago)

we get print versions in la now btw!!

― chaki (chaki), Wednesday, 11 October 2006 03:30 (nineteen years ago)

bitter young dude in a deli off times square tried to sell me a copy the other night. he had swiped a whole stack from somewhere (from the deli, for all i know). i declined. he stalked out of the store muttering sotto voce, "goddamn i'm just tryna work, earn a little money tonight, doesn't nobody want to help me out, what the fuck." i hope the onion cheered him up.

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Wednesday, 11 October 2006 03:42 (nineteen years ago)

I thought this article was probably the single best thing said in the days after Sept 11th.

― Andrew (enneff), Wednesday, 11 October 2006 03:44 (nineteen years ago)

Yeah, that one was brilliant.

In the same edition, the TV guide spoof made me totally lose my shit (in the slightly unhinged mood of the time, obv)

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/38450

Especially CBS: "Dan Rather's 83rd Straight Hour On The Air / Dan Rather Seriously Loses His Shit / Medicating Dan Rather"

― Trayce (trayce), Wednesday, 11 October 2006 04:06 (nineteen years ago)

one year passes...

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/95_96_prayers_finally

I was laughing at this until the very end. That last joke seems unusually mean-spirited for the Onion.

― Nathan, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:42 (eighteen years ago)

um, the christopher reeve snipe was hardly cricket.

― darraghmac, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:44 (eighteen years ago)

True. I guess that somehow escaped me when I first read it.

― Nathan, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:45 (eighteen years ago)

i liked this one because is not jello a foods

[a hrarf = this is my internets link] http://www.theonion.com/content/news/conceptual_terrorists_encase_sears[/a hraf linkthing]

― a puppy, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:48 (eighteen years ago)

I have to say, for having webbed toes you are impressively skilled at typing.

― Abbott, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:53 (eighteen years ago)

a hrarf!

― G00blar, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:55 (eighteen years ago)

I don't get why everybody's blaming the puppy for not being Socialist Realism or somethink.

― Noodle Vague, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:56 (eighteen years ago)

I don't even know what that means and I am a hu-man.

― Abbott, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:59 (eighteen years ago)

who blames a puppy
i am lerning better, promise
the psyientests are teaching me

― a puppy, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:01 (eighteen years ago)

I didn't express myself very clearly.

Anyway, if y'all thought the "95-96 Prayers Backlog" was cold, look what I stumbled across:

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29919

― Noodle Vague, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:01 (eighteen years ago)

okay that is awesome

― HI DERE, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:02 (eighteen years ago)

the onion's had a hardon for superman for awhile - http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30382

― balls, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:14 (eighteen years ago)

whose balls are you, i am lookinf for mine

― a puppy, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:18 (eighteen years ago)

http://fanaticking.com/photos/Michael_Vick_Dog.jpg

― balls, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:22 (eighteen years ago)

i kinda forgot abt the onion but this was posted on the quantum mechanic thread and it is funnee
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/scientists_ask_congress_to_fund_50

― rrrobyn, Friday, 19 October 2007 03:02 (eighteen years ago)

two weeks pass...

They've really been on a roll with the cartoons - they're probably my favorite thing in the Onion now.

― Hurting 2, Friday, 2 November 2007 03:24 (eighteen years ago)

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Cartoon-Cage-Free-Eggs.jpg

― Hurting 2, Friday, 2 November 2007 03:25 (eighteen years ago)

One of my more flattering caricatures.

― Ned Raggett, Friday, 2 November 2007 03:26 (eighteen years ago)

Ha.

I also really love that every so often there will be an editorial cartoon about the cartoonist's ex-wife.

― Hurting 2, Friday, 2 November 2007 03:29 (eighteen years ago)

lol
http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Cartoon-Freak-Dancing.jpg

― Curt1s Stephens, Friday, 2 November 2007 04:02 (eighteen years ago)

I read the last word wrong and thought this was gonna be about
http://content.answers.com/main/content/wp/en/thumb/3/37/250px-Vina.jpg

― James Redd and the Blecchs, Friday, 2 November 2007 04:55 (eighteen years ago)

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Teens-Turning-Backs.jpg

― Frogman Henry, Friday, 2 November 2007 09:02 (eighteen years ago)

http://content.answers.com/main/content/wp/en/thumb/3/37/250px-Vina.jpg
who's that on the right? Jabba the Hutt?

― Heave Ho, Friday, 2 November 2007 10:41 (eighteen years ago)

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/mel_brooks_starts_nonprofit

― El Tomboto, Friday, 2 November 2007 16:32 (eighteen years ago)

two months pass...

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/KellyKlassicMujahideen.article.jpg

― Billy Dods, Wednesday, 16 January 2008 16:29 (seventeen years ago)

Skipping 2197 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

you guys I’m sure the Onion has gone through some down periods before with it being around so long and all but

when did it become so bad, it’s so bad now

― Murgatroid, Sunday, 13 April 2025 13:32 (nine months ago)

did it change after the 11th of February?

― Nancy Makes Posts (sic), Sunday, 13 April 2025 14:08 (nine months ago)

i think the Onion is still funny

― frogbs, Thursday, 17 April 2025 20:16 (eight months ago)

I think the best way to enjoy the onion is to just follow them on your social network of choice and have an occasional onion article mixed in with all the other news/opinion stuff you are following. In that way, even something dumb like

https://theonion.com/jd-vance-rushes-to-put-wifes-head-back-on-after-fumbling-second-lady/

gets a silent chuckle from me

― silverfish, Thursday, 17 April 2025 20:34 (eight months ago)

Seeing stories about Russell Brand and Katy Perry in their breaking news section makes me wonder if I'm still living in 2011.

― Iza Duffus Hardy (President Keyes), Thursday, 17 April 2025 20:37 (eight months ago)

one month passes...

Vanity Fair interviews Tim Onion (Onion CEO Ben Collins):
https://archive.ph/Ojezk

― jaymc, Tuesday, 20 May 2025 23:04 (seven months ago)

If you quote someone in yr piece and then go “…he exclusively tells Vanity Fair,” i think you should be flung into a lake of fire. unless you are using the onion’s house style ironically in an article about something onion-related.

― Theodor W. Adorbso (Hunt3r), Wednesday, 21 May 2025 02:40 (seven months ago)

They don’t call it vanity fair for nothing

― I am the stranger, killing the Boer (Boring, Maryland), Wednesday, 21 May 2025 02:54 (seven months ago)

one month passes...

https://theonion.com/letter-to-congress/

― Dan Worsley, Sunday, 22 June 2025 22:08 (six months ago)

one month passes...

https://bsky.app/profile/bencollins.bsky.social/post/3lv5gsuyils2k

― StanM, Friday, 1 August 2025 10:42 (five months ago)

one month passes...

https://theonion.com/man-given-6-months-to-live-beats-odds-by-dying-in-2

― Josh in Chicago, Monday, 1 September 2025 18:08 (four months ago)

Also, I'd never seen this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5cCLJieV9IY

― Josh in Chicago, Monday, 1 September 2025 18:09 (four months ago)

Good lord

https://bsky.app/profile/theonion.com/post/3lxs6om5lvk2a

― frogbs, Monday, 1 September 2025 18:15 (four months ago)

Kelly is killing it right now.

https://bsky.app/profile/kartoonistkelly.bsky.social/post/3ly3yclyq3k26

― Dan Worsley, Sunday, 7 September 2025 21:36 (four months ago)

frogbs’ link clicks through to https://theonion.com/causing-a-fuhrer/

― Nancy Makes Posts (sic), Sunday, 7 September 2025 21:49 (four months ago)

here’s Dan’s

https://theonion.com/wax-on-vax-off/

― Nancy Makes Posts (sic), Sunday, 7 September 2025 21:50 (four months ago)

need a kelly where rfk jr is depicted wearing jeans while working out (because he absolutely does)

a tough demand, but i have faith

― mookieproof, Monday, 8 September 2025 00:48 (four months ago)

https://theonion.com/witnesses-assumed-charlie-kirk-shooter-was-just-ordinary-gunman-on-school-campus/

― StanM, Friday, 12 September 2025 07:27 (four months ago)

oof

― kinder, Friday, 12 September 2025 18:36 (four months ago)

two weeks pass...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CzejLgUFM38

― Mr. T's Ballroom (Boring, Maryland), Saturday, 27 September 2025 01:36 (three months ago)

Wait I just found out this is actually showing in theaters, but nowhere near me. Anyone going?

― Mr. T's Ballroom (Boring, Maryland), Saturday, 27 September 2025 02:01 (three months ago)

I wish!

― sleeve, Saturday, 27 September 2025 02:03 (three months ago)

screening near me already sold out, it includes a screening of Sex House, oh well, missing the experience of a lifetime, whatever.

― JoeStork, Saturday, 27 September 2025 03:02 (three months ago)

I am so happy Sex House exists and persists.

― Josh in Chicago, Saturday, 27 September 2025 03:05 (three months ago)

The brief first run of Onion Studios was amazing: let us also not forget Lake Dredge Appraisal and Porkin’ Across America

― Mr. T's Ballroom (Boring, Maryland), Saturday, 27 September 2025 09:28 (three months ago)

It's great that they're reviving some of their old columnists, first Jean Teasdale and now the triumphant return of Roger Dudek
https://theonion.com/the-cost-of-this-wedding-is-making-me-matri-moan-y/
Hoping that Gorzo the Mighty is next

― Critique of the Goth Programme (Neil S), Monday, 6 October 2025 12:28 (three months ago)

lmao that is vintage stuff

― Tracer Hand, Monday, 6 October 2025 12:30 (three months ago)

Did anyone watch “Bad Pedophile”?

― Mr. T's Ballroom (Boring, Maryland), Monday, 6 October 2025 14:06 (three months ago)

the 48-seater cinema that showed it here sold out in minutes.

― fall of the house of urrsher (sic), Monday, 6 October 2025 15:46 (three months ago)

They put it on youtube. This is ridiculous, lol.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjhSoGcQhWU

― Josh in Chicago, Friday, 10 October 2025 13:01 (three months ago)

I watched it. Monstrous. Often inscrutable as to what it’s intending to do. I assumed it’s meant to be profoundly unfunny and stupid, as a way to tell the viewer there is truly nothing funny here, just monstrous people getting away with it, and us allowing it.

― beige accent rug (Hunt3r), Friday, 10 October 2025 23:39 (three months ago)

I had some deep guilty laughs at the headlines on the Pedophile Island Tribune and seeing Mister Met in a collage of conspirators

― Mr. T's Ballroom (Boring, Maryland), Saturday, 11 October 2025 20:51 (three months ago)

laughed pretty hard at Epstein immediately trying to hang himself when he goes to trial

― frogbs, Saturday, 11 October 2025 21:14 (three months ago)

Thought it was pretty funny.

― sent a message through the Internet but it rejected (Camaraderie at Arms Length), Saturday, 11 October 2025 21:18 (three months ago)

https://ci3.googleusercontent.com/meips/ADKq_NYBKJTYT76wDsZ6zvgnJGMCJ93YE8UTEQDJYyH8wmyYHSHRAcP0lMDUYRBn0Z4sUUBkohq8rb6zmuq0qrMSDFWhUw4iGmQyOXd_00UWbt92j4AnknGkJUfhMwmaACtfrALhT3owsbgprDhnM2pQRMGW7kqdujwF4J0=s0-d-e1-ft#https://mcusercontent.com/58c80b904ec17bc5299e62ab0/images/2c9f8256-5a9a-38c3-6c11-32584c412fad.jpg

― Josh in Chicago, Friday, 17 October 2025 20:29 (two months ago)

two weeks pass...

whoa harsh toke

https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/11/Soot_Prince_Andrew_NIB_G_PH.jpg

Soot-Covered Prince Andrew Begging On Street For Child To Molest

https://theonion.com/soot-covered-prince-andrew-begging-on-street-for-child-to-molest/

― Andy the Grasshopper, Wednesday, 5 November 2025 00:46 (two months ago)

enjoyed this: https://theonion.com/not-sure-how-they-deal-with-criminals-in-your-town-but-round-here-we-use-a-restorative-justice-process/

― silverfish, Wednesday, 12 November 2025 20:51 (two months ago)

god i was crying laughing at that

― budo jeru, Wednesday, 12 November 2025 21:06 (two months ago)

if u dont subscribe to the print edition, i highly recommend it. they save some of their best stuff for that.

― petey, pablo & mary (m bison), Thursday, 13 November 2025 01:09 (two months ago)

Think I’m bluffin’? Why don’t you ask the last guy who tried to argue that crime is a violation of the law and the state, rather’n a violation of people and relationships.

― lag∞n, Saturday, 15 November 2025 22:45 (one month ago)

two weeks pass...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHYbm6K0HlU

― c u (crüt), Tuesday, 2 December 2025 22:42 (one month ago)

lol @ « encircled »

― budo jeru, Tuesday, 2 December 2025 22:45 (one month ago)

heh that was good

― kinder, Friday, 5 December 2025 23:18 (one month ago)

They're in a golden age at the moment imo, just hit after hit.

― LocalGarda, Friday, 5 December 2025 23:21 (one month ago)

From the Hard Times

Trump Awarded Hormel Peace Prize

https://thehardtimes.net/wp-content/uploads/sites/9/2025/12/trump-award.jpg

― Andy the Grasshopper, Friday, 5 December 2025 23:25 (one month ago)

Missed opportunity to make the medal a disc of processed meat.

― Josh in Chicago, Friday, 5 December 2025 23:31 (one month ago)

not the Onion but:

WOW! AN HONOR! — GCN pic.twitter.com/93QmN531X5
— Governor Newsom Press Office (@GovPressOffice) December 6, 2025

― StanM, Saturday, 6 December 2025 15:32 (one month ago)

imo fails because the actual cannot be surpassed— kohls is not particularly corrupt enough

― beige accent rug (Hunt3r), Saturday, 6 December 2025 15:46 (one month ago)

It *is* America’s largest source of tshirts where you can cut off the sleeves

― Modollno Kahn (Boring, Maryland), Saturday, 6 December 2025 17:14 (one month ago)

https://theonion.com/student-whos-been-in-3-school-shootings-starting-to-think-this-might-be-about-him/

― challopvious (sleeve), Friday, 19 December 2025 16:02 (three weeks ago)

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