corollary to the "how to make friends" thread: what next?

It isn't necessarily a reflection at all on how quickly you make friends; it might just be that the people who are the most "visible," the most accessible to you right now, aren't people you connect with. (That doesn't mean those people aren't there.)

And don't be fooled by the "everyone else has friends already" feeling. Chances are those relationships are more tenuous then they appear. And don't fall into the passive trap of "if it doesn't happen naturally, its not meant to be."

Maybe try to get someone who seems cool to hang out with you one on one. Movies are always a good excuse for this. Or getting a bite to eat.

In as much as there can be a right answer to what is obviously purely a judgement call, I believe that I'm right. Under what twisted view of relationships can one call another person with whom they have shot the shit a couple of times and maybe know what each other do for a living or what their major is friends? It just seems like cynical goal-minded "networking" to me. If that's the secret life of the outgoing set, I'm glad I have as few friends as I do.

(Yeah, I don't know. I'm somewhere in the introvert area.)

Another phenomenon, although it may be particular to the place I went to school, involves creating a persona for yourself. You can do that through just being active in a club or activity. Or you can do it through what you wear, what you say in class, etc. While there are ways to bring your personality into public, you can also experiment with the personality you show off. You're part of a big group and if you have a label to attach to yourself you'll get recognized which is half the battle (although there are dangers involved). I somehow stumbled into winning a student government election my freshman year and thus became semi-well-known for 4 years. It's a free way to plaster your name all over campus.

Yes, these are often superficial relationships that you'll form right away. Some will grow deeper. For all the people I knew in college I had only a few very close friends. But these things take time to develop. One of my best friends lived on the other side of a wall from my bed my first year, and while we were friendly during our first year we didn't become really close until our third. You'll have first-year friends, second-year, and so on.

And don't be fooled by the "everyone else has friends already" feeling. Chances are those relationships are more tenuous then they appear.

Totally OTM. I thought that about a group of people during my freshman year. They all seemed to know each other already (they did actually--most of them went to HS together but weren't friends there) and I felt like the outsider. Once I was 'on the inside' for awhile, I saw that they were basically all just clinging onto this tenious connection they had and pretty soon I was closer to some of them then any of them were to each other.

Also, get drunk and act the fool. Everyone likes that.

my point? it takes time, and you need to be a bit brave about it too. there may be some nights and days that seem endlessly lonely, but they Will pass. dont concern yourself with how long or how many or what anyone else is doing or may think. be yourself, be open to friendship with people if they attract you in that way and trust me, it will be ok.

good luck.

So don't worry if you feel you don't have a ready-made social circle like some others seem to do. For one, comparing yourself to them is useless, and is likely to make you worry rather than look at things objectively. Two, as has been said, it's very unlikely many people have formed deep friendships yet - they might just be louder, or more open, or more desperate even.

Just enjoy hanging out with people and getting to know them, and you'll find, by and large, that friendships happen with the right ones. Also let yourself enjoy the times you have by yourself - there are often precious few of them at college.

As to cooking: I'm a whiz with ready-made dinners and boil-in-the-bag! Okay on sandwiches too. Hmmm. Yes.

anyway they are NEVER EVER thinking "i bet that person is abt to ask me to tea, at which point i shall laugh in their face and say HAHA WHAT A CONVENTIONAL FAKE PERSONA YOU HAVE CONSTRUCTED - I UTTERLY DISDAIN YOU AND YR FORCED and CONTEMPTIBLE ATTEMPTS AT SOCIAL BONDING!!"

(or if they do actually say this, you know they are a complete idiot and probably well worth avoiding)

(or a misunderstood genius) (but these are usually worth avoiding also)

With women, I've always found 'oh I like your shoes/ lipstick/ t-shirt etc works very well as a starting point. Even if they aren't particualrly girly people because everyone likes a compliment.

But seriously, to fill the time it may be good to undertake an activity or two that you sincerely want to do for its own sake and not just because you want to make friends, and stick with it. Do the public interest ones if you really have no particualr interests. You'll emanate an intangible air of competence and satisfaction that will attract potential friends and of course you are bound to meet people that way.

Good luck Maria and don't worry, after Thanksgiving or winter break I bet you will see how many people will be happy to see you again!

She bop a ree bop.