Tell me your favourite bad joke

What's blue and triangular?
An orange in disguise.

What's orange and round?
An orange in a crap disguise.

Not screaming in terror, like his passengers.

you oscillate its tit a lot

set it on fire and it will go "woof".

'ell if I know...

"i can clearly see you're nuts"

Anyone can Roast Beef.

This pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of the fly of his pants. The bartender says, "Hey, pirate, you have a steering wheel sticking out of the fly of your pants." The pirate replies, "Aye, it's drivin' me nuts."

to get to the other slide

Right where you left him.

No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea.

Put it in the microwave until its bill withers.

a retarded snowflake.

not being retarded.

(sorry about that one; I know it's horribly tasteless)

http://www.se7en-x.com/argue/argue.jpg

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Grace.

Sister Mary switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it with Holy Water at the Vatican," says sister Grace.

Sister Mary turns on the windshield washer.

Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary.

"Show him your cross!" says Sister Grace.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off my car!"

This guy walks into a pub and half his head is a big orange. He says: 'I'll have a pint of lager, please.' And the barman says: 'Excuse me, I couldn't help noticing, but half your head appears to be a big orange.' And the boy goes: 'Yeah, had that for a while now.'

So the barman says: 'How did that come about, if you don't mind me asking?' And the boy says: 'I was in this old junk shop when I found a lamp and when I gave it a rub this genie appeared.

He offered me the standard three wishes, and I said: 'For my first wish, I'd like every woman I ever meet to fall madly in love with me.' So the genie waves his genie hands and suddenly there's women looking at me. Then the genie says: 'What will your second wish be?' I said: 'I'd like a wallet with £1 million in it, and I can never lose it, it can't be destroyed, and every time I spend any of the money, it'll be replenished.' And the genie says: 'Your wish is granted. Now, what will your third wish be?' So I said: 'For my third wish, I'd like half my head to be a big orange.'

The next day a truck pulls up to Macy's -- holding a spool with several thousand miles of ribbon. Naturally the buyer's like "What the fuck? I told you... from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis."

The salesman: "The tip of my penis is in Poland!"

To stomp out forest fires.

To stomp out flaming ducks.

They're all sea students.

farming store guy says, "well this here is a chicken. you'll need one of them to lay eggs. us farm folk call them pullets."

"ok, what else do i need?"

"this here is a donkey. this will help you move heavy stuff all around your farm. us farm folk call them asses. becareful with this ass. he's really stuborn and sometimes he just up and stops walking. to get him to move again, you'll need to scratch his belly."

"anything else?"

"you're also gonna need a rooster to wake you up in the morning. us farm folk call them cocks."

so the young man walk away from the farm store with the chicken in one arm, the rooster in the other and the donkey follwing close behind. all of a sudden, the donkey stops walking and the man doesnt' know what to do. if he scratches the donkey, he'll have to let one of the birds loose and it'll get away. just then a really pretty girl walks by and the man says to her, "could you hold my cock and pullet while i scratch my ass?"

NICKALICIOUS THAT CLOWN JOKE IS MY FAVORITE JOKE OF ALL TIME EXCEPT THAT WHEN I TELL IT IT USUALLY TAKES ABOUT A HALF HOUR

...once i told it for over an hour to a bunch of bewildered freshmen i was leading on a camping trip.

god i fucking love that joke

I love it so much. It's all about the dramatic pause before the FUCK YOU, CLOWN.

oh nick you have no idea.

see, the way i tell it involves not just "a clown" but, say, Bingo the Clown. while our hero nurses a grudge and tunnels into funny academia, Bingo becomes the greatest and funniest clown of all time. when the joke closes, it's at bingo's greatest show yet, and the "dramatic pause" is filled by the audience's hysterics at Bingo's joke. they laugh so hard that they riot, and eventually the nat'l guard is called in. our hero stands amidst the flaming ruins of the big top, surrounded by hilarious rioters, and faces down Bingo as the president makes the decision to just bomb the city and cut his losses. his retort is nearly lost in the explosion, we can't even be sure that bingo hears it. but whatever, justice is served.

....um, it's funnier when i tell it, i swear

i mean basically my favorite jokes are drawn-out sort of boring story jokes with bad punchlines that make yr audience question why they ever bothered listening to you in the first place

c.f. the pope joke

Q: Why did the plane crash?
A: Because the pilot was a loaf of bread.

-- gbx (skowly), Tuesday, March 14, 2006 11:49 PM (1 year ago) Bookmark Link

Similar to the "FUCK YOU CLOWN" shaggy dog, my 7th grade middle school teacher had a similarly EPIC joke called "Baby Popov" that he would reserve for the end of the year, sometimes taking up two whole class periods. Essentially, the joke was about a very young boy who plays the violin, is separated from his family in the midst of the Russian revolution -- told with really long tangents related to Popov's travels and the people he encounters, etc etc. And it ends with a real weak stinker of a pun.

Of course, the whole fun of the joke was to hype up "Baby Popov" all year to the kids in the grade behind you, just to set them up for even greater disappointment.

Favourite of the moment:

I was in B&Q the other day and an old bloke in an orange vest asked me if I wanted decking.

Luckily I got the first punch in.

a guy asks a girl on the street:"hey,whats your name"?
"cotton"
"are you sure"?
"yes,100% cotton"

someone sees a man playing chess with his dog:
"hey,you have a very smart dog"
"smart? he never wins!"

It's a little known fact that all professional tennis players are witches. You know Goran? Even he's a witch.

Man : Doc, ya gotta help me, I've got a lettuce hanging out of my arse!
Doctor : Well, let's take a look...doesn't seem too bad, we'll have it out of there in a jiffy.
Man : But doc, you don't understand - this is just the tip of the iceberg!

man: doctor, i've got a strawberry stuck in my arse.
doctor: well, i can give you some cream for it.

man: doctor, i've got a cricket ball up my arse.
doctor: how's that?
man: don't you fucking start.

I've heard (and told) an even better version of darraghmac's bouncing brick joke (involving some spear-throwing Aborigines and a monkey). Noodle Vague's 'crab is pissed' joke too (something about never being accepted because he walks sideways, but in seeking the princess' hand he staggers forward because he is wankered, thus gaining the king's approval).

However, my offering today shall be short and sweet.

How does a blind parachutist know when to pull the ripcord?

When the dog lead goes slack.

what did one cannibal say to the other cannibal while they were eating a clown for dinner?

"does this taste funny to you?"

HA

what's invisible and smells like carrots?

bunny farts.

A bit of pavement and a bit of road are sitting having a quiet drink in a bar. A piece of red tarmac walks into the bar. Immediately the bit of pavement hides under the table. He asks his friend nervously, 'is he still there?', eventually the red piece of tarmac finishes his drink and leaves the bar.

The bit of pavement then comes out from under the table. 'What was all that about?' asks the bit of road. The pavement replies, "don't you know him, he's a cycle path?"

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!"

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You Sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Main Dealer?"

Also I hate that vase joke so much

why do elephants drink?
to forget

"Also I hate that vase joke so much"

? because?

It's really clunky and is centred round a turn of phrase that no-one would ever actually employ in real life

Why didn't Superman stop 9/11?

- Because he fell off a horse and got paralyzed.

Got any Y2K jokes?

ninja master and a nun walk into a bar. charles, the bartender, asks ninja master who the woman with him is. ninja master says, "oh that's just my nun, chuck"

What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

Neil Armstrong walks on the moon, and Michael Jackson fucks little boys.

Hehe. You gotta tell that one like "Neil Armstrong, yeah? He walks on the MOON, right? With little hand gestures like they should remember that bit for some complicated pun.

lol @ PP

Two nuns are driving through Transylvania. Suddenly a midget vampire leaps onto the bonnet of their car, baring his teeth and hissing evilly. "Lord protect us!" cries Sister Francesca. "Quick, Sister Gloria, show him your cross!" Sister Gloria frowns, grips the wheel, leans forward and shouts "Get off our fucking car!"

The Pope gets terribly ill. It's a mysterious disease, and the doctors simply can't come up with any cure. He just keeps getting worse. Finally, one expertt physician manages to come up with a diagnosis:

"Your highness, the good news is that your illness can be cured", says the doctor.

"What is the bad news then?", asks the Pope while lying in his bed.

"The only thing that can cure you is... sleeping with a woman. Nothing else will work."

"No! I cannot do it! I am the head of the Holy Church, and I have taken a vow of chastity when I was 13! I would rather die!"

The Pope sends the doctor away. However, his condition keeps getting worse and worse. After two weeks of misery he summons his most loyal servant to his room.

"My faithful servant, I have decided to change my mind. I want to survive, and therefore I have no alternative than to sleep with a woman. So I want you to get me a prostitute. But the knowledge of this must not spread beyond these walls."

"Of course, your highness."

"Furthermore, I have three requirements the prostitute must meet."

"Yes, your highness?"

"Firstly, she must be blind, so she will not know whom she is sleeping with."

"Yes, your higness."

"Secondly, she must be mute, so that even if she somehow finds out who I am, she cannot talk about the whole affair."

"Yes, your highness."

"And thirdly..."

"Yes, your higness?"

"She must have big boobs!"

a guy goes to the doctor for his regular checkup.

doc: i've got some bad news and i've got some worse news.
guy: go ahead, doc. i can take it.
doc: well, you've got cancer. also, you've got alzheimer's.

the guy contemplates his situation for a moment.

guy: well, at least i don't have cancer.

I went to the zoo yesterday. They only had one small dog. It was a shi tzu.

a graverobber broke into an Egyptian tomb and started snooping around for treasure. he grew impatient as he made his way through half a dozen chambers without uncovering a single piece of loot. finally he reached the pharaoh's chamber, and he lifted the lid off the sarcophagus to reveal a perfectly preserved royal mummy. at once he began unwrapping the mummy, hoping to find some precious jewelry on its person. after unraveling yard after yard of linen, he caught sight of a gleaming gold scarab pendant, which was fixed tightly around the mummy's right ankle on a heavy brass band. he tugged on the anklet with all his might, but it wouldn't budge an inch. exasperated, he raised the sarcophagus lid above his head and slammed it down on the mummy, shattering its ankles and indeed severing both of its feet. now the bracelet slipped easily off the mummy's splintered stump of a leg. the robber pocketed it and ran out of the tomb with a huge smile on his face

...........proving that you can't take an amulet without breaking legs.

I highly recommend http://www.actionjokes.com/

The "Political" section includes this gem:

- Which one from the countries of the planet looks alike with the vagina?
- England – Because it is always wet!
- Korea – Because it is split in two!
- Romania – because you want to stick you’re dick in it!

And the classic:

- How do you know which one is your boss from a crowd of 500 people?
- You say: “My boss is a stupidest asshole!”

I told my wife the "Fuck you, Clown" joke last night. Good times.

that site's like a parody of the internet

Q: Why did the plane crash?
A: Because the pilot was a loaf of bread.

-- gbx (skowly), Tuesday, March 14, 2006 11:49 PM (1 year ago) Bookmark Link

http://www.gifmania.co.uk/tv-series/lost/lost.gif

So my wife came up to me and said, "Take off my shirt." So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Now my hose, bra, and panties." I took them off. Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

I love this thread.

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender 'how much for a drink?'
The bartender says 'For you? No charge'

actionjokes is like the Muttley to Digitiser's Dick Dastardly - good find

- What do you say to a virgin?
- Thanks for nothing!

René Descartes walks onto a plane.
The flight attendant says, "Can I get you a drink?"
Descartes says, "I think not," and disappears.

Guy walks into a bar. Bartender says "What'll you have?" Guy says "Anything but Rheingold. I drank a case last night and I blew chunks." Bartender says "If you drink a case of *anything* you'll blow chunks." Guy says, "You don't understand. 'Chunks' is my dog."

― Jeanne Fury (Jeanne Fury), Wednesday, 24 September 2003 17:52 (6 years ago) Bookmark

nevar forget

Lena passed away and Ole called 911. The 911 operator told Ole that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Ole replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
"Can you spell that for me?" the operator asked.
There was a long pause and finally Ole said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up der?"

what does the sign at the entrance to the sperm bank says?

thank you for coming

one day i'm walking down the road and i met a guy bouncing a brick.

I say, "no way a bouncing brick, i haven't seen one of those in years! I used to love those things!"

He says "do you wanna have a go? you've got to be very careful though, cos if you bounce too hard it'll go way way up in the sky and you'll never see it again"

I say, "don't worry, I have lots of practice with these things- I was quite a pro in my youth."

So he gives me the bouncing brick, and after a few test bounces I've recalled all of my old prowess and am giving it over arm, under leg, behind my back pimped out bouncing brick moves.

He's very impressed, and says "i can see you're a true afficionado- tell you what, you keep that one, i have more at home"

I'm delighted, and after thanking him head off, bouncing my new brick. After a while I meet a friend of mine.

he says- "Wow, great a bouncing brick, I've never seen one of those! give us a try!"

I'm not sure- "be careful, if you bounce it too hard it'll go way way up in the sky and it'll never be seen again"

He has a go- he bounces it too hard first time, it goes way way up into the sky and it's never seen again.

― darraghmac, Monday, 26 February 2007 17:57 (eleven years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Still slays

Action Jokes still boggles my mind.

Email to husband
Wife e-mail to husband:
- Send me some money or else I will deceive you!
Husband replay:
- Deceive me, but first send me some money!

i don't get that bouncing brick joke tho ?
― Ste, Friday, 20 April 2007 10:26 (ten years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

neither do i?
― the next grozart, Friday, 20 April 2007 10:36 (ten years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

smdh

Did you hear the dead chickpea rapper is releasing an album? It's a post hummus release.

Gauguin walks into a bar. He sees Van Gogh there and says hey Vincent, can I get you a drink? No thanks, Van Gogh replies, I've got one 'ere.