What do you do when a loved one won't stop eating?

Message Bookmarked

Bookmark Removed

I don't want to make this fat vs skinny part infinity, but how can you get a person to realize they're being self-destructive? My wife (who was very skinny at the start of all this, and certainly isn't fat even now) has started eating excessively in the last year, and the behavior continues to accelerate. It's obvious to me that there are psychological reasons for it. I don't know if it's specifically aimed at me, that she's doing it to spite me or something. It seems like it is sometimes, like she'll want me to pay attention to her but I have to study so she'll go eat some pie as retribution. Actually, what it seems like is one form of the expression of a death wish. Some people in her frame of mind, I think, would be making "cry for help" suicide attempts, but with her it manifests as, like, eating to destroy herself. I think this is also a big part of why she uses eating to try to draw my ire. I don't know how to snap her out of it. I really probably shouldn't even be writing this..

― Dan I., Sunday, 5 October 2003 03:51 (twenty-one years ago)

Get out of the way or you may be lunch.

― tripple happiness, Sunday, 5 October 2003 04:01 (twenty-one years ago)

feed them nothing but metamucil and ex-lax.

― Lord Custos Omicron (Lord Custos Omicron), Sunday, 5 October 2003 04:14 (twenty-one years ago)

is their cholesterol at a deadly level? if not then don't do anything.

― the surface noise (electricsound), Sunday, 5 October 2003 04:17 (twenty-one years ago)

It's just that it seems pretty clear that she's doing it only so that she can hate herself more. In that case wouldn't it be pretty stupid to watch her get as big as she can and then try to teach her to love herself?? Isn't there something I could do right now?

― Dan I., Sunday, 5 October 2003 04:26 (twenty-one years ago)

Tell her your concerned. Ask her if there's a problem. There's no point trying to remedy the situation until you've approached her.

― bnw (bnw), Sunday, 5 October 2003 04:28 (twenty-one years ago)

Whatever the hell her size is, it's the behavior that should be a concern. If she genuinely seems to have an eating disorder, that is a serious thing. From what you've said, it's hard to tell.

It seems to me that it would be best to address it from a standpoint of concern over her seeming troubled rather than talking about the overeating straight off.

If it's a serious psychological thing, it's probably a pretty complex thing that might take a long time to work out. All you can do is show your love and support and concern for her well-being.

― JuliaA (j_bdules), Sunday, 5 October 2003 05:05 (twenty-one years ago)

If the compassionate, thoughtful responses given at the beginning of this thread have not helped you resolve the conflict with your wife, might I say -

If she doesn't like herself, there you go - it's counterintuitive but self-destructive behavior patterns are PATTERNS because it is easier for people to continue to make themselves miserable, 'cause they're used to it, than to work to try and make things better. Is your wife depressed? Is she suffering from anxiety? Both? Can you talk to her about that? Food probably takes her mind off whatever's bothering her for a little while, is what it is. If she's depressed there might not be anything specific that is bothering her, but general malaise. So talk to her or even see if she may wish to see a doctor or therapist, it does sound like the eating is the symptom and not the root problem.

And don't keep Nutella around, I think I just gained a couple pounds because of buying a jar. :)

― daria g (daria g), Sunday, 5 October 2003 05:27 (twenty-one years ago)

yep the behaviour could be a concern. is she openly resentful about you studying instead of spending time with her? people use all sorts of things to 'fill a void', food is a common substitute for company / love / attention.
definately you need to address it, but i agree that targetting the eating thing is probably not the best angle. julias advice seems sound to me.

― donna (donna), Sunday, 5 October 2003 05:29 (twenty-one years ago)

If her self-confidence is shaky, then perhaps she is over-eating to see how ugly and unattractive she can make herself in some bizarre sort of test of how much you love her. If your marriage broke down, it would be like some self-fulfilling prophesy ("see? he never really loved me!")

People who indulge in self-destructive behaviour generally do it because they don't like themselves. Is she lonely? Bored? Shy? Do you not spend enough time together as a couple? You say you are studying - if you have more academic qualifications than she does, is she resentful of that? Is she jealous of you having college friends, and a 'different' life outside your marriage? Does she feel threatened by it? Are you an otherwise happy couple, or are there other pressures such as financial problems going on at the moment?

I'm sure she realizes that her overeating is not normal, and that she is harming herself and her relationship with you by doing it. The question is what is missing from her life, what void is she trying to fill with all these pies? And the only person who can answer that is her - have you tried asking her why she is so unhappy? You've said that she seems to react badly to not getting enough attention from you so that may be part of it, but it's probably not wise to assume you know the reasons for her behaviour. It's important to try and communicate with each other over this - guessing isn't always reliable. I bet if you sat her down and talked about it, you'd be surprised by what she had to say.

Does she want to have a baby?

― C J (C J), Sunday, 5 October 2003 10:53 (twenty-one years ago)

You must be logged in to post. Please either login here, or if you are not registered, you may register here.