The funniest thing you've been told during sex

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"Bollocks! The light's just fallen on me!"

― caitlin (caitlin), Tuesday, 7 October 2003 21:14 (twenty-one years ago)

"I was the inspiration for Love Story!"

― N. (nickdastoor), Tuesday, 7 October 2003 21:18 (twenty-one years ago)

(note for truth fans: this is only the case if you accept sex with Al Gore as a metaphor for life)

― N. (nickdastoor), Tuesday, 7 October 2003 21:19 (twenty-one years ago)

(Noted truth, while in a fit of laughter....)

― Nichole Graham (Nichole Graham), Tuesday, 7 October 2003 21:44 (twenty-one years ago)

"I can't wait to write about this in my next zine."

― Douglas (Douglas), Tuesday, 7 October 2003 21:53 (twenty-one years ago)

"I think way too much about the Illuminati"

― Ally (mlescaut), Tuesday, 7 October 2003 23:59 (twenty-one years ago)

This is actually what I said to someone else, but I once said to my ex mid-coitus: "I want you to say 'Fuck me, Honest Abe!'" She laughed.

― Vonda Shepard, Wednesday, 8 October 2003 00:36 (twenty-one years ago)

i'm sure matty would've have plenty of stupid funny shit to say, but i was too drunk to remember. i once went home with a guy who swore black and blue that he could teleport. he didn't tell me that during sex exactly, but shit it was so funny i spent most of the evening trying not to laugh at him. some people should never take drugs.

― The Lady Ms Lurex (lucylurex), Wednesday, 8 October 2003 00:45 (twenty-one years ago)

Vonda Shepard!

― cinniblount (James Blount), Wednesday, 8 October 2003 00:46 (twenty-one years ago)

"I love you"

― cinniblount (James Blount), Wednesday, 8 October 2003 00:47 (twenty-one years ago)

"I'm riding a giant purple Cadillac" [we were both on mushrooms at the time]

― M Matos (M Matos), Wednesday, 8 October 2003 01:49 (twenty-one years ago)

"Dammit, you fucked me so hard my nose bled!"

(his nose really did bleed. All over my damn pillows)

― Trayce (trayce), Wednesday, 8 October 2003 01:57 (twenty-one years ago)

BINGO.

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Wednesday, 8 October 2003 03:28 (twenty-one years ago)

"most guys are just looking for two tits and a hole"

― Orbit (Orbit), Wednesday, 8 October 2003 06:52 (twenty-one years ago)

the others will settle for just the hole.

― oops (Oops), Wednesday, 8 October 2003 06:55 (twenty-one years ago)

consult Vic on that one ;-)

― Orbit (Orbit), Wednesday, 8 October 2003 06:56 (twenty-one years ago)

other classics:
"i'm not going to marry you"
2 year fuckfest follows

and

"i won't marry you"
10-year live-in relationship follows.
[i mean what's the fucking *difference*?!!]

and

"thank you. thank you. i haven't had sex for two years"
[erm. ok.....]

and, during oral sex (me the recipient):
"i'm trying to crawl back into the womb"

― Orbit (Orbit), Wednesday, 8 October 2003 07:02 (twenty-one years ago)

"I've got a cucumber in the freezer with YOUR NAME ON IT!!!"

― kate (kate), Wednesday, 8 October 2003 07:11 (twenty-one years ago)

Did he actually write your name on it? That's kinda sweet.

― oops (Oops), Wednesday, 8 October 2003 07:14 (twenty-one years ago)

I don't know. I imagine not. I was too busy laughing so hard I would have fallen out of the bed if it hadn't been on the floor. It really was completely random. I kinda have a rule against vegetables in bed with me anyway.

― kate (kate), Wednesday, 8 October 2003 07:19 (twenty-one years ago)

must. not. post. joke. in. head. now...

― mark s (mark s), Wednesday, 8 October 2003 08:31 (twenty-one years ago)

well post it here instead of in your head then.

― oops (Oops), Wednesday, 8 October 2003 08:32 (twenty-one years ago)

i was thinking of an old Zappa and the Mothers tune
"Call any vegetable
and the chances are good
that it will
RESPOND
to you"

― Orbit (Orbit), Wednesday, 8 October 2003 08:34 (twenty-one years ago)

I can't think of anything involving myself so I'll invoke An Acquaintance (the male).

Her: "Talk dirty to me"
Him [in blind panic]: "Um... can I shit on your face?"

― DJ Mencap (DJ Mencap), Wednesday, 8 October 2003 08:48 (twenty-one years ago)

[name deleted] : no that's wrong!
me : whuh, what'd i do
[name deleted] : oh no not you, i was trying to work out a mathematics problem

― duane, Wednesday, 8 October 2003 09:05 (twenty-one years ago)

"HALLELUJAH!!!!"

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Wednesday, 8 October 2003 12:15 (twenty-one years ago)

Duane wins.

― Ally (mlescaut), Wednesday, 8 October 2003 12:27 (twenty-one years ago)

"Surrender Dorothy!"

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Wednesday, 8 October 2003 13:34 (twenty-one years ago)

I dunno, I like Matos for the title.

― Lee G (Lee G), Wednesday, 8 October 2003 13:35 (twenty-one years ago)

'let me go crazy on you'

― half jack, Wednesday, 8 October 2003 22:01 (twenty-one years ago)

'fuck that boot and that uppity race car bitch'

― half jack, Wednesday, 8 October 2003 22:04 (twenty-one years ago)

Another vote for Matos.

― adaml (adaml), Wednesday, 8 October 2003 22:07 (twenty-one years ago)

I should add that this is my opinion on this thread and I have not had someone say "Another vote for Matos" to me during sex. That might be how that reads...

― adaml (adaml), Wednesday, 8 October 2003 22:08 (twenty-one years ago)

I bet Matos inserted 'giant' into the quote himself!

― oops (Oops), Wednesday, 8 October 2003 22:11 (twenty-one years ago)

"I'm riding a purple Geo Metro."

― oops (Oops), Wednesday, 8 October 2003 22:11 (twenty-one years ago)

consult Vic on that one ;-)

-- Orbit (cstarrcstar...), October 8th, 2003.

whoa ...what? am i getting summoned here due to an anal sex reference??!? and hey i like tits!! u should ask chris p. when it comes to anal sex questionz, obviously. not me!

― Vic (Vic), Wednesday, 8 October 2003 22:15 (twenty-one years ago)

'can't you see?'

― half jack, Wednesday, 8 October 2003 22:20 (twenty-one years ago)

She wasn't talking about me, she was talking about the Cadillac.

― M Matos (M Matos), Wednesday, 8 October 2003 22:39 (twenty-one years ago)

"I will cum you up like a pair of dirty boxers."

― Dewey Dell (dumbmeat), Tuesday, 21 October 2003 18:53 (twenty-one years ago)

two years pass...

"You know, your lingam is too big for my yoni."

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 22 December 2005 17:41 (nineteen years ago)

"i do have to say you're bigger than my dad."

― u saved me (dubplatestyle), Thursday, 22 December 2005 17:44 (nineteen years ago)

Er, what?!

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 22 December 2005 17:45 (nineteen years ago)

it was more the way she said it

― Sororah T Massacre (blueski), Thursday, 22 December 2005 17:47 (nineteen years ago)

i'm thinking a Tweety Pie type voice

― Sororah T Massacre (blueski), Thursday, 22 December 2005 17:47 (nineteen years ago)

"you don't last long."

try as i might, i can't never forget that, even if it WAS 1997

― Skate Board R, Thursday, 22 December 2005 18:18 (nineteen years ago)

"By the power of Gresyskull!"

― Shakey Mo Collier (Shakey Mo Collier), Thursday, 22 December 2005 18:22 (nineteen years ago)

someone else's name

― Laurah (laurah), Thursday, 22 December 2005 18:24 (nineteen years ago)

That was funny?

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 22 December 2005 18:24 (nineteen years ago)

mine wasn't a fib btw

― u saved me (dubplatestyle), Thursday, 22 December 2005 18:25 (nineteen years ago)

"Fanny fart! That's SO YOUR FAULT!"

― Who the hell do you THINK I am? I'm the goddamn Batman! (Barima), Thursday, 22 December 2005 18:25 (nineteen years ago)

I think I had developed a sort of black sense of humor about it at that point. xxpost

― Laura H. (laurah), Thursday, 22 December 2005 18:29 (nineteen years ago)

"oooh, Captain Butler!" (yes he said it like Vivien Leigh)

― Dr Morbius (Dr Morbius), Thursday, 22 December 2005 18:31 (nineteen years ago)

"Is a lot of stuff gonna come out?"

― Wow, Thursday, 22 December 2005 18:35 (nineteen years ago)

"caffeine makes my boobs perky so i think you should put your hands here right now, because i've decided to stop drinking soda and coffee and they're not going to be this nice anymore." (this wasn't during, exactly, more like a 'go' for liftoff)

― gear (gear), Thursday, 22 December 2005 18:48 (nineteen years ago)

"Oh shit, I think we broke it."

― Haikunym (Haikunym), Thursday, 22 December 2005 18:50 (nineteen years ago)

Haha.

― caffeine makes my boobs perky (Jordan), Thursday, 22 December 2005 18:52 (nineteen years ago)

The so NOT funniest was: "Will you hand me that tube?"

It was RINGWORM OINMENT, and she said it AFTERWARDS!!!

― andy --, Thursday, 22 December 2005 19:25 (nineteen years ago)

Caffiene makes my boobs perky??

― Allyzay must fight Zolton herself. (allyzay), Thursday, 22 December 2005 19:29 (nineteen years ago)

Can I get her e-mail?

― Who the hell do you THINK I am? I'm the goddamn Batman! (Barima), Thursday, 22 December 2005 20:16 (nineteen years ago)

"My bellybutton piercing is swinging back and forth and the cat is attacking it"

― Df'nM (OutDatWay), Thursday, 22 December 2005 21:00 (nineteen years ago)

Hahaha oww!

― Trayce (trayce), Thursday, 22 December 2005 22:24 (nineteen years ago)

making out with a girl, joking around, she pulls the sheet over her head, I say "that's not going to stop me", she says "isn't that how all you jews do it?"

― Dan Selzer (Dan Selzer), Thursday, 22 December 2005 23:00 (nineteen years ago)

as far as i'm concerned, you win the thread.

― lauren (laurenp), Thursday, 22 December 2005 23:03 (nineteen years ago)

omg

― Je4nn3 ƒur¥ (Je4nne Fury), Thursday, 22 December 2005 23:50 (nineteen years ago)

17 year old Austrian to 16 year old me as she rolls me back on top of her:

"I am not done."

― M. White (Miguelito), Thursday, 22 December 2005 23:56 (nineteen years ago)

"O SHIT! I forgot to video Manon des Sources!!!!!!"

― JTS (JTS), Friday, 23 December 2005 19:44 (nineteen years ago)

My ex once called me by his (lesbian) mother's girlfriend's name during sex...not quite funny, maybe, but at least euh ...interesting :P

― Eva van Rein (Gaia1981), Friday, 23 December 2005 21:07 (nineteen years ago)

"you're the reason the Berlin wall came down, Western girl" ???!?!

Also, the drier beeped really long and loud right as my boyfriend came once and we started cracking up, which made me accidentally squeeze his tender post-coital dick with my vag

Also, going down on a sort of hard-to-read boy:
"umm...I'm about to go."
"what?"
"I'm about to...go"
"oh...you mean come?"

― emilys. (emilys.), Saturday, 24 December 2005 02:46 (nineteen years ago)

"Oh god I love this band."
Not really funny but I defy anyone to have decent sex
while 'Roadhouse Blues' by the Doors is blasting out of the stereo.

dunger, dunger, dunger, dudderly, dunger, dunger, dunger, dudderly, dunger, dunger, dunger, dudderly, dunger, dunger, dunger, dudderly

― stu, Saturday, 24 December 2005 03:50 (nineteen years ago)

ew, yeah. Once I was doing it with this guy in his dorm room and he was like "wait" and got up and but on the velvet underground. It was a Platonic ideal come to life, and not in a good way

― emilys. (emilys.), Saturday, 24 December 2005 04:28 (nineteen years ago)

this thread is a gift that keeps on givin

― u saved me (dubplatestyle), Saturday, 24 December 2005 04:29 (nineteen years ago)

"You have a cute penis."

― Tantrum The Cat (Tantrum The Cat), Saturday, 24 December 2005 04:36 (nineteen years ago)

bbwwwwwwahahahaha that killed me. is that a polite way of calling you small?

― tres letraj (tehresa), Saturday, 24 December 2005 04:41 (nineteen years ago)

I was wearing one of those novelty thongs with the elephant's head & faux trunk in the front. So, really, it's anyone's guess.

― Tantrum The Cat (Tantrum The Cat), Saturday, 24 December 2005 04:56 (nineteen years ago)

(having sex with a black girl)

[screamed]

"OH... MY... GOD! MICKEY HAS JUNGLE FEVER OVER HERE!"

I swear

― Mickey (modestmickey), Saturday, 24 December 2005 05:40 (nineteen years ago)

"don't trip"

response to my request for a condom

― emilys. (emilys.), Saturday, 24 December 2005 05:43 (nineteen years ago)

http://paullynde.info/clips/Laughing.wvx

― inger lynde (Jody Beth Rosen), Saturday, 24 December 2005 05:44 (nineteen years ago)

four months pass...

"Are you gay?"

(Said by the opposite sex.)

― loggedout, Tuesday, 2 May 2006 10:38 (nineteen years ago)

"You're fucking me stupid, by the way."

― Tantrum The Cat (Tantrum The Cat), Tuesday, 2 May 2006 15:11 (nineteen years ago)

making out with a girl, joking around, she pulls the sheet over her head, I say "that's not going to stop me", she says "isn't that how all you jews do it?"
-- Dan Selzer (danselze...), December 22nd, 2005.

I don't get it.

― the bellefox, Tuesday, 2 May 2006 15:19 (nineteen years ago)

xpost

Woah, I read that as 'you're fucking stupid, by the way' and thought: harsh.

― Archel (Archel), Tuesday, 2 May 2006 15:20 (nineteen years ago)

I defy anyone to have decent sex while 'Roadhouse Blues' by the Doors is blasting out of the stereo.

My last-but-one boyfriend had a Scott Walker obsession. I almost bit his dick off once when 'The Cockfighter' came through the speakers.

― Maria TW, Tuesday, 2 May 2006 15:22 (nineteen years ago)

You know what they say about stupids...

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Tuesday, 2 May 2006 15:23 (nineteen years ago)

"Did you see `The Cosby Show' last night?"

― Alfred, Lord Sotosyn (Alfred Soto), Tuesday, 2 May 2006 15:58 (nineteen years ago)

Can anyone explain the thing about the sheet?

― the bellefox, Tuesday, 2 May 2006 15:59 (nineteen years ago)

http://www.snopes.com/religion/sheet.htm

― caek (caek), Tuesday, 2 May 2006 16:06 (nineteen years ago)

Jeez - that's crazy!

I remember something similar early in Rushdie's Midnight's Children.

― the bellefox, Tuesday, 2 May 2006 16:09 (nineteen years ago)

There's a Curb Your Enthusiasm featuring it as well. I'd hit it.

― caek (caek), Tuesday, 2 May 2006 16:17 (nineteen years ago)

xpost

Woah, I read that as 'you're fucking stupid, by the way' and thought: harsh.

No, she explained later that it was meant as "You're fucking my brains out".

― Tantrum The Cat (Tantrum The Cat), Tuesday, 2 May 2006 16:30 (nineteen years ago)

Woah, I read that as 'you're fucking stupid, by the way' and thought: harsh.

Well, you could interpret that literally, in the "I'm with stupid" sense. ;-)

― Alone, Jealous and SSRI'd (kate), Tuesday, 2 May 2006 16:31 (nineteen years ago)

This happened to a friend of someone I know, while at a brothel in Vietnam years ago, during intercourse:

GI: who’s your daddy?
Hooker: my daddy’s dead!!!

Actually, that’s just sorta sad.

― skateboard r (Raymond Cummings), Tuesday, 2 May 2006 19:34 (nineteen years ago)

most stories involving the words "brothel" and "Vietnam" are.

― Shakey Mo Collier (Shakey Mo Collier), Tuesday, 2 May 2006 19:40 (nineteen years ago)

from that snopes entry:

Indeed, not making love to your wife can call rabbinical sanction down upon the head of a Jewish man or even provide grounds for divorce.

The times for conjugal duty prescribed in the Torah are: for men of independence, every day; for laborers, twice a week; for ass-drivers, once a week; for camel-drivers, once in thirty days; for sailors, once in six months. These are the rulings of Rabbi Eliezer.

ass-drivers.

― Dan Selzer (Dan Selzer), Tuesday, 2 May 2006 19:48 (nineteen years ago)

"Are you gay?"

"Are you sure you're gay?"

Something like that.

― Casuistry (Chris P), Tuesday, 2 May 2006 20:43 (nineteen years ago)

"Our duty to the Party, comrade"

― DV (dirtyvicar), Tuesday, 2 May 2006 20:45 (nineteen years ago)

"Where am I?"

(She'd had a seizure. THAT was weird.)

― Colin Meeder (Mert), Tuesday, 2 May 2006 20:47 (nineteen years ago)

"I think someone has penetrated my wireless network"

― DV (dirtyvicar), Tuesday, 2 May 2006 20:48 (nineteen years ago)

"(She'd had a seizure. THAT was weird.)"

not as weird as it was for her, I bet.

― Shakey Mo Collier (Shakey Mo Collier), Tuesday, 2 May 2006 20:51 (nineteen years ago)

"You're not so tough now, are you?"

Technically after, not during, but still. I suppressed ROFFLES and quickly ended the relationship.

― Safety First (pullapartgirl), Tuesday, 2 May 2006 20:57 (nineteen years ago)

"hi ned"

Oooh, that snopes thing makes the Sarah Silverman cover of Heeb much funnier. Though it couldn't possibly make it more hot.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Friday, 5 May 2006 12:41 (nineteen years ago)

I hadn't seen that picture, and... oh my.

― aldo_cowpat (aldo_cowpat), Friday, 5 May 2006 12:53 (nineteen years ago)

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