Being crushed by someone for a long period of time without ever having the guts to say anything - C or D?

Is this right? Also, is it true that crushers don't 'really' want their crushees, that they 'really' want a part of them? Is there such an easy distinction between crushing and the actual prelude to a 'proper relationship'.

But N OTM, defo. Keep it serious.

I am a hypocrite of the worst order, because I tend to freak out and get paranoid if I know that someone has a (non-reciprocated) crush on me.

It's not that I fear they are necessarily going to put the moves on me, or try to actualise the realtionship. It's more that I *know* that I can't live up to being crushed on. That I will end up hurting them or disappointing them or something like that.

I know that doesn't go along with my whole "crushes are wonderful" attitude on the other thread. But crushes are good if the other person doesn't know about them, and they are entirely abstract, which is the way that I like to keep them.

Because if I have a crush on a person and they reject me, I tend to push them out of my life pretty quickly. You can break my heart, but you can't break my pride. So I don't understand why my crusher doesn't do the same thing to me, so I try to force the issue.

Not good, I know.

Sometimes it is. Not all the time, obviously, but part of Being Mature is sorting out your feelings and understanding what they mean - e.g., recognizing when something is just a silly infatuation and going "aw, how cute" rather than interpreting it as a signal to pursue your crush. "Harmless flirting" falls under this category -- some people flirt because they're in a celebratory mood and feeling the voib, not because they're putting out a mating call. If it's someone I like (not "like" romantically, but in general), I don't mind at all.

Do I? Also, it's not my problem.

This can cause problems if either the crusher or the crushee is not aware of this. If you fear that someone is constantly going to try to jump your bones when really they're just having fantasy fun, that's going to create tension in your mind which doesn't exist in theirs.

The main difference is that it's usually pretty obvious to somebody when you've got a crush on them,

It really isn't. Not all the time. I mean, really, don't underestimate obliviousness, either unconscious or deliberate.

btw I was 'throwing that one out there' - I'm honestly unsure of the answer. I've never read Freud or anything. And I'm still unsure, I still don't know about this. Plenty of people have actual relationships that contain more than a little fantasy - not just in the 'kinky' (dread word!) sense. Mature or not, they exist, and I'm wondering if it isn't an element, albeit a small one, in all relationships.
Fans of Lubitsch's 'Trouble in Paradise' will know what I'm trying to say!

And again, you really cannot underestimate the genuine obliviousness of some people. I used to have a friend who was so convinced of her own unattractiveness that she said that she would not believe a person was attracted to her unless he was naked and on top of her.

CLASSIC here - co-co-co-co-confusion-usion-usion-usion as Barney Sumner once so wisely sang.

To deliberately not act on it, you gots to know it exists. And even if your insecurities are denying it, I'd wager some part of you know it exists.

Not necessarily. These things can happen at a subconscious level. (If of course you believe in the subconscious. Maybe there are just different levels of multi-tasking of which you are more or less aware.)

i dont understand the point of a crush you dont want reciprocated, i mean, if you want them, dont you like, want them?

Not necessarily. Can't you look at a beautiful girl and think "she's beautiful" but not necessarily want to *sleep* with her?

Or else you can fancy them, but know for some other reason that it "wouldn't work out" - i.e. they have a partner already, or your lifestyles are too incompatible, etc. etc. - but you still have a crush on them.

Well sure - but you still *want* to be with them at a basic level.

So we have two sorts of being crushed without reciprocating:

a) unwelcome, as in totally unwelcome (=dud, miserable)
b) welcome but not well handled (=classic, essence of indie)

and all points in between, natch.

It was an *analogy*, you muppet. You can have a crush on someone without wanting to actually have a relationship with them, just like you can think someone is beautiful/desirable without actually desiring them.

It makes me feel weird and uncomfortable no matter what their behavior is. Most of the time I just don't understand how someone could like me, so I usually end up thinking they must have some weird ulterior motive.

Of course, my current relationship came about not because of a crush (on one side or the other) but via the old-school methods of making friends with someone, getting to know each other gradually over a long(ish) period of time, and then, with any luck, the magic happens, as it did with us :-)

Feel me?

But: what MC said. 'The long game', as I shd not call it but do anyway. Always traces of crushness, you ask me. Unless I'm being sloppy with language again.

Oh, you're talking about someone else, aren't you.

And I don't mean yer ongoing love affair with Damon Albarn, either... ;-)