eastenders vs brookside: no contest

What about us rogue Hollyoaks fans?

when is it on?

it's for my, um, "studies"

ive shot more scousers than you've had hot dinners mate.

I just want to know that you'll be here fah meh, charlton. cuppa??

Brookside is about to be cancelled after 20 years, and that's why they've been going mad with the whacko plots. It does outlandish plots in a matter-of-fact, kitchen-sink style (like A Taste Of Honey, the style is identifiably Northern/Manchester/Liverpool in the sense that nobody goes down t'mines). Occasionally they get a rum family but when it's good, it's fantastic.

Not my ideas but they make classic brookside sound good.

RIGHT, FORGET THE TAT post-1990, what we're talking is the classic period of Sheila Grant, Bobby Grant, Damon Grant, Karen Grant and Barry Grant before he became a master criminal (pah!), where uber-scribe JIMMY McGOVERN cut his teeth many moons ago. The show's realism, perhaps stemming from Phil Redmond's GRANGE HILL (qv), which he was still working on at the time, was cemented by the introduction of mobile camera technology and the innovative use of actual, genuine houses on a Liverpool cul-de-sac. A snip at £2 million. Redmond often cites as one of the show's big advantages the ability to actually follow an actor through the front door, and out into the garden (no massive paintings of the street here, wobbling slighty, ACORN ANTIQUES-style). Also the first soap to have an omnibus - on Saturday teatime, thus ideal for post-football results entertainment whilst having your tea. We're all familiar with the twice-weekly Scouseathon itself, so let's just cherry-pick those moments - do you remember: Harry Cross - classic Northern whinging, and his funny mate Ralph? "FREE GEORGE JACKSON" painted in the windows of St. George's Tower, Liverpool (can anybody provide any info on the Jacksons?) The famous siege, involving at least one regular character - the other victims were clearly cannon fodder. What about PICTURE BOX supremo ALAN ROTHWELL as the dodgy bloke hanging around Heather (AMANDA BURTON)? He was involved in heroin, the naughty man - helped by dodgy geezer number 2 Charlie. Or SUE JOHNSTON's powerful rape performance? How about the first generation of Corkhills, headed by the fantastic JOHN McARDLE. His "intervention" in his daughter Tracy's relationship with her teacher. And don't forget Doe, the credit-card addict, and of course Rod The Plod. There was "Gay" Gordon, son of Annabel and Paul, the token upper-class characters. Poor Damon was the sad one, of course; his demise was portrayed in the failed spin-off "bubble" concept prog DAMON AND DEBBIE - stabbed with a pen (or something) in York. Of course the characters were the basis for "Te, Ba & Ga" off Harry Enfield. The decline of the show into the ridiculous, drug-trafficking, body-burying, incestuous, virus-harbouring beast that it is today can probably be gauged by the loss of the woods behind the houses - many a fugitive had made their escape through there. Then they built some shops on it, and that was that.

Hollyoaks is the traditional Sunday Bruch activity of hungover Londoners, at least in its Omnibus format. It's on C4, I think about 6.30 or so?

It's got a great deal more rubbish lately. Partly this is due to the absense of its hottest character (Finn) and partly because they decided to leave behind contraversial plots for outlandish ones.

One of the most interesting things about Hollyoaks is that it takes place in this other universe where locals and stoodies TALK TO EACH OTHER.

And Ali Bastian is lovely, obv.