Dating Someone You Admire?

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Have you ever dated somebody you look up to and admire? Did it put a strain on things? Like, worrying too hard about acting mature around them and second-guessing yourself? Is it possible to get through those sorts of problems and make a relationship work?

I mean... if you somehow feel somebody is just.. better than you even though they keep telling you that you're just being insecure and they don't feel that way about you at all? How have you dealt?

― Aperson, Wednesday, 8 October 2003 19:02 (twenty-one years ago)

you can admire people without thinking they are 'better' than you. what does your 'better' mean?

I don't think I'd want to be with someone I didn't admire. or someone I didn't think was better than me.

― RJG (RJG), Wednesday, 8 October 2003 19:28 (twenty-one years ago)

Like, worrying too hard about acting mature around them and second-guessing yourself?

If you feel this way around this person, he or she might not be right for you. It would be hard to make a relationship work if you feel like you have to act a certain way and not be yourself around them.

― Nicolars (Nicole), Wednesday, 8 October 2003 19:52 (twenty-one years ago)

More advice please. Stories from regulars, etc.

― aperson, Thursday, 9 October 2003 03:50 (twenty-one years ago)

i wouldn't date anyone i had up on any sort of pedestal. for a start, i'm too competitive and egotistical.

― the surface noise (electricsound), Thursday, 9 October 2003 03:56 (twenty-one years ago)

Been there, got the tshirt. I think I'm past letting myself fall into that trap now, but Ive certainly at least *wanted* to date guys who I felt were so together and cool and perhaps a little looking-down-the-nose at me. Not in the "date an unobtainable bastard" way, more in a "wow they are so together and vibrant and motivated!" and wanting to be round that vibe.

Except there's lots of personality types. And I am someone who will willingly admit and display weaknesses, whereas the last guy I semi-dated was constantly saying "suck it up, get over it" to me. Which made me feel rotten and small, yet I told myself it was because I *was* being pathetic. STU-PID.

Now I'm with a guy who loves me for all my humanness, inspires me without being "better than me", and treats me with compassion instead of patronising me. It took that to make me see what absolute shit I was letting myself put up with.

― Trayce (trayce), Thursday, 9 October 2003 04:14 (twenty-one years ago)

The rare instances when I dated people I put "on a pedstal" ended horribly. What a crappy situation to be in.

Sitting on the pedestal yrself is obviously better. . .

― A Girl Named Sam (thatgirl), Thursday, 9 October 2003 04:17 (twenty-one years ago)

"obviously"

― the surface noise (electricsound), Thursday, 9 October 2003 04:19 (twenty-one years ago)

(it has big downsides too)

― the surface noise (electricsound), Thursday, 9 October 2003 04:19 (twenty-one years ago)

Admiring in "looking up to someone on a pedastal" = Dud.
Admiring in thinking they're wonderful & being proud of them doesn't mean that you're akward around them, if that's happening you probably have some other problem.

― lyra (lyra), Thursday, 9 October 2003 04:23 (twenty-one years ago)

ESOJ, if you haven't realized that the majority of my posts are tongue in cheek. . .

well, whatever. . .they are.

― A Girl Named Sam (thatgirl), Thursday, 9 October 2003 04:24 (twenty-one years ago)

yes i did realise, sorry bout the tone

― the surface noise (electricsound), Thursday, 9 October 2003 04:24 (twenty-one years ago)

lyra OTM. Admiring someone in a genuine "they are a fantastic person" way is fine. I admire all my friends, and my partner, for all kinds of things. They're a talented, wonderful buncha guys.

― Trayce (trayce), Thursday, 9 October 2003 04:26 (twenty-one years ago)

(oh, lots of xp's)There were a couple of guys I reeeally admired. For being accomplished in things that I found interesting, for being especially intelligent, and funny, and cool. But I didn't really date any of them, I'd just adore them but be a bit distant and shy and all that shit. Because, y'know, they were too good for little me. Insecure dork that I was.

Though I've certainly admired guys I've dated, I don't think I've dated anyone that I felt was better than me. Not in an overall way. The way Trayce describes the guy she's with--that's the sort of relationship to look for.

― JuliaA (j_bdules), Thursday, 9 October 2003 04:36 (twenty-one years ago)

Maybe I'm answering the wrong question, because I don't equate admiration with putting someone on a pedestal, but isn't admiration sort of a prerequisite for anything serious?

― solo, Thursday, 9 October 2003 04:56 (twenty-one years ago)

I once dated someone I admire. I don't admire her anymore.

― Kenan Hebert (kenan), Thursday, 9 October 2003 05:07 (twenty-one years ago)

sounds more like a situation of you constantly wanting to gain the ''approval' of this other person.
not healthy. you either be 'you' with warts and fuck-ups attached and be ok about them knowing it, or be doomed to play 'jump the ever rising stick' forever.
if i was in a relationship with someone who admired me in that way, i would get tired of the whole deal. the idea of anyone behaving in a certain way to please me, rather than being themselves is pretty icky, in a sycophantic-icky kind of way.

― donna (donna), Thursday, 9 October 2003 05:15 (twenty-one years ago)

Tell it, sister. That was the problem -- I was the sycophant. And whiny to boot. It was ickier than slogging through a fetid swamp.

― Kenan Hebert (kenan), Thursday, 9 October 2003 05:29 (twenty-one years ago)

On one level, if you *don't* admire the person that you are dating, then it's doomed. But by this, I mean that I've had many bad experiences dating people that I had absolutely no respect for. Perhaps I even felt I was better than them in some subconscious way? Either way, the power balance in the relationship was completely off, and it failed.

On the other hand, dating someone that you admire to the point where you cannot be yourself around them - if it feels like you're a groupie (not necessarily literally) rather than a partner, that's never going to work either.

Good relationships need some kind of equality. Or at least a mutually agreeable power balance. It doesn't sound like you have this.

And no matter if it's because you're insecure, or something else - someone constantly telling you that you are insecure is NOT going to make you feel secure, it's just going to make you feel more like crap.

― kate (kate), Thursday, 9 October 2003 07:28 (twenty-one years ago)

Yes, I have - and now we are together! :-)

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 9 October 2003 07:42 (twenty-one years ago)

Admiration or awe? Any relationship where the two people don't feel balanced enough to totally be themselves is not going to work, where one person keeps themself in an artificial state rather than developing alongside the other. You start at different points and grow together, surely? Down with pedastals.

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Thursday, 9 October 2003 07:44 (twenty-one years ago)

I guess with Gail and me it helps that were are kind of in the same business, i.e. music, so we could actually talk shop and have a common language/interest. Hence our relationship evolved pretty naturally, so subtly that we didn't even notice that it was slowly turning into a relationship. When we realised that it had done - well, what a feeling.

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 9 October 2003 07:59 (twenty-one years ago)

Up with skirts!

(bah xpost)

― oops (Oops), Thursday, 9 October 2003 08:01 (twenty-one years ago)

I am always afraid of this, when girls start asking loads of questions about writing about music and stuff it's always a good/bad sign, good in that it's great and flattering and all that but bad cos I feel it's a doomed point for a relationship to start from and also I hate the idea of people being attracted to intelligence or something, cos I can't really understand it.

I tried to not make that sound arrogant, I just think the reason alot of my relationships have failed is that the other person admired me rather than actually fancying me.

― Ronan (Ronan), Thursday, 9 October 2003 09:05 (twenty-one years ago)

Though if you've discussed it with them then at least they know you feel that way. I can't see how it will drag our or become a major problem, if it is a problem the relationship probably won't get off the ground in the first place.

― Ronan (Ronan), Thursday, 9 October 2003 09:07 (twenty-one years ago)

I *only* date people I admire. One of the most attractive things about a new partner is their ability to entertain me with things I've no experience of. He might be better than me at remembering Lloyd Cole singles but perhaps I'm better at remembering original Crossroads plot twists.

― Lara (Lara), Thursday, 9 October 2003 18:47 (twenty-one years ago)

He might be better than me at remembering Lloyd Cole singles but perhaps I'm better at remembering original Crossroads plot twists.

Any relationship based on mutual bliss is a fair trade, Lara.

just think the reason alot of my relationships have failed is that the other person admired me rather than actually fancying me.

(x-post) Isn't that one and the same, though? I'd imagine they wouldn't have wanted to ask you out in the first place, if they didn't fancy you on some level.

― Nichole Graham (Nichole Graham), Thursday, 9 October 2003 18:53 (twenty-one years ago)

no I think fancying involves thinking the person is physically attractive!

― Ronan (Ronan), Thursday, 9 October 2003 18:55 (twenty-one years ago)

And the rest.

(Ronan is reminding me more and more of Christina Aguilera as the days pass to the extent that I fear out next meeting).

― Lara (Lara), Thursday, 9 October 2003 19:02 (twenty-one years ago)

out = our (unless Ronan has something he'd like to share?)

― Lara (Lara), Thursday, 9 October 2003 19:03 (twenty-one years ago)

I think it's impossible to keep someone on a pedestal once you get to know them as a person, no matter WHO they are. People are still people, even really talented and smart ones. If you still like and admire them after getting to know them when they're not being talented and smart, then great.

― Jordan (Jordan), Thursday, 9 October 2003 19:13 (twenty-one years ago)

Why? Cos it feels like I've been locked up tight for a century of lonely nights?

― Ronan (Ronan), Thursday, 9 October 2003 19:19 (twenty-one years ago)

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