How can you tell you're in an Australian soap opera?

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1. Everytime you say 'Listen to me!' the response is 'No, you listen to me!'

― colin s barrow (colin s barrow), Monday, 13 October 2003 05:08 (twenty-two years ago)

2. It never ever rains. Unless the plot specifically calls for it - then theres a monsoon.

― Trayce (trayce), Monday, 13 October 2003 05:20 (twenty-two years ago)

3. Way too many white people.

― lint (Jack), Monday, 13 October 2003 05:20 (twenty-two years ago)

You decide to become a singer, and within three weeks there's a sleazy agent in town, sweet talking you into signing a huge record contract and moving to the city.

― colin s barrow (colin s barrow), Monday, 13 October 2003 05:24 (twenty-two years ago)

5. You and your best mate from school want to date the same bloke, and have to bitchfight over it.

― Trayce (trayce), Monday, 13 October 2003 06:23 (twenty-two years ago)

Wait, that actually sounds like my real school life...

― Trayce (trayce), Monday, 13 October 2003 06:24 (twenty-two years ago)

6. Your on-again-off-again love affair is sponsored by laundry detergent.

― oops (Oops), Monday, 13 October 2003 06:31 (twenty-two years ago)

7. You marry someone and then die in a freak car accident on the way to the honeymoon. Six months later you reappear in inexplicable circumstances with no memory of who you are.

― Trayce (trayce), Monday, 13 October 2003 06:33 (twenty-two years ago)

8. While having heated arguments in the kitchen with your mum/sister/gran, you always go to the fridge and pour yourself a glass of orange juice from a 6 litre plastic bottle, but you never actually drink it.

― C J (C J), Monday, 13 October 2003 07:17 (twenty-two years ago)

9. Random relatives turn up at your door with no prior warning and a flimsy reason.

― Ally C (Ally C), Monday, 13 October 2003 08:57 (twenty-two years ago)

10. You never explain the details of bizarre situations or outcomes to any friends or relatives.

― Ally C (Ally C), Monday, 13 October 2003 08:58 (twenty-two years ago)

11. There is only one teacher at your school, who lives in your street.

― MarkH (MarkH), Monday, 13 October 2003 09:33 (twenty-two years ago)

12. any youth who breaks into your house or steals from you will be living in your house within 6 weeks

― CarsmileSteve (CarsmileSteve), Monday, 13 October 2003 09:38 (twenty-two years ago)

13. you never ever ever finish a meal, no matter how lovingly prepared it was by the person you attribute to be the source of your angst

― stevem (blueski), Monday, 13 October 2003 09:45 (twenty-two years ago)

14. you never see a postman down your street for 15 years, then finally one turns up and it's Clive James

15. you constantly see your tragically deceased daughter's face in the fridge door

16. you have no concept of REAL swear words

― stevem (blueski), Monday, 13 October 2003 09:48 (twenty-two years ago)

17. you might sometimes play pool but never actually pot a ball

― stevem (blueski), Monday, 13 October 2003 09:49 (twenty-two years ago)

Half of your family can't make it to your wedding/funeral.

Your parents decide to move to another city, but your neighbour kindly agrees you can stay with them instead of leaving with the rest of your family.

Your family of four only sits around three sides of the dining table.

― Madchen (Madchen), Monday, 13 October 2003 09:56 (twenty-two years ago)

Nobody seems concerned that the walls wobble slightly whenever the front door is slammed shut.

― robster (robster), Monday, 13 October 2003 10:16 (twenty-two years ago)

You have a friend/relative who all of a sudden in a completely different person, but has the same name & nobody mentions it, ever.

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Monday, 13 October 2003 10:23 (twenty-two years ago)

23. (where's yr numbers, yr lazy bludgers?) The owner of yr local café dies and it is renamed in her honour.

― MarkH (MarkH), Monday, 13 October 2003 10:25 (twenty-two years ago)

24. Everyone who moves away has a singing career within a few weeks.

― MarkH (MarkH), Monday, 13 October 2003 10:26 (twenty-two years ago)

25. Get a dog - then you can have wacky, cute, "human interest" adventures!

― Mark C (Mark C), Monday, 13 October 2003 10:33 (twenty-two years ago)

26 Nobody close to you who you used to see regularly ever visits

― Matt (Matt), Monday, 13 October 2003 11:11 (twenty-two years ago)

27 You never date anyone outside of your neighbourhood
28 You only look for jobs in your neighbourhood

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Monday, 13 October 2003 11:18 (twenty-two years ago)

29 You "rage" in clubs where the music is quieter than in most churches
30 You accidentally glue some gnomes to the living room carpet in someone elses house
31 You seem to adopt any of the slow, never-ending wave of teenage relations that turn up on your doorstep for a period of between 2 or 3 years.
32. You never mention them when they leave to go to London
33. You finally emigrate to London
34. You think that weddings polarise tragedy

― Lynskey (Lynskey), Monday, 13 October 2003 11:33 (twenty-two years ago)

35. The jukebox in yr café or bar only ever plays one song. By Frente.

― MarkH (MarkH), Monday, 13 October 2003 11:45 (twenty-two years ago)

36. you dig Mogwai!

― stevem (blueski), Monday, 13 October 2003 11:52 (twenty-two years ago)

37. you are suddenly replaced by another person but nobody notices

― minna (minna), Monday, 13 October 2003 12:00 (twenty-two years ago)

38. you have very vivid human-like dreams even though you are a dog.

― jed (jed_e_3), Monday, 13 October 2003 12:07 (twenty-two years ago)

37.b. and by nobody i mean not one person, not even you!

― minna (minna), Monday, 13 October 2003 12:10 (twenty-two years ago)

38. either you or your father (perhaps both) have the most appalling hair and or taste in shorts in the Southern hemisphere

― stevem (blueski), Monday, 13 October 2003 12:19 (twenty-two years ago)

39. you never go to the beach when it's sunny - only when its overcast.

40. every time you go for a swim in the sea someone steals your clothes.

― jed (jed_e_3), Monday, 13 October 2003 12:30 (twenty-two years ago)

41. You are about to admit to your neighbour you fancy her. You start talking. She starts talking at exactly the same time. She says "you go first" then you say "no, you go first". She says "I've met this amazing guy, I think I'm in love, his name is Bruce" (you are not Bruce).

― Madchen (Madchen), Monday, 13 October 2003 12:37 (twenty-two years ago)

42. sometimes it doesnt get that far cos as soon as you are about to tell her you mum comes home with the shopping.

― colin o'hara (jed_e_3), Monday, 13 October 2003 12:40 (twenty-two years ago)

43. You know better than qualified doctors.

― Matt (Matt), Monday, 13 October 2003 12:51 (twenty-two years ago)

44. despite being a GP you seem to also work in every single department of the local hospital

― CarsmileSteve (CarsmileSteve), Monday, 13 October 2003 12:53 (twenty-two years ago)

45. If you do something underhand or sneaky, your dad/prospective adopted child/ideal member of the opposite sex will walk in at precisely the most incriminating moment, despite you not hearing a sound.

― Mark C (Mark C), Monday, 13 October 2003 13:06 (twenty-two years ago)

46. No-one smokes, not anyone, ever, not you, not strangers, not anyone.

47. You never, ever discuss world events.

48. You're of the opinion that as people seem to die all the time at the most tragic of times, you might as well get over the death of your spouse/sibling/cousin/parent/pet as soon as possible.

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Monday, 13 October 2003 13:14 (twenty-two years ago)

49. When new neighbours move into the house next door, they become your Best Friends within two days.

― C J (C J), Monday, 13 October 2003 13:15 (twenty-two years ago)

50. Nobody ever goes to the toilet

― C J (C J), Monday, 13 October 2003 13:16 (twenty-two years ago)

(CJ is forgetting the "Helen Robinson gets the shits" storyline that ran through October 1988)

― Mark C (Mark C), Monday, 13 October 2003 13:18 (twenty-two years ago)

Helen Daniels surely

― stevem (blueski), Monday, 13 October 2003 13:23 (twenty-two years ago)

(Mark has just made me spit tea all over my computer!!)

No, I didn't know about Helen getting the squits - what a brilliant product placement marketing opportunity for the Australian equivalent of Andrex that must have been...............

51. If members of your family move away to live in a different part of the country they never ever phone you to let you know how they are getting on.

― C J (C J), Monday, 13 October 2003 13:24 (twenty-two years ago)

Absolutely stevem. Spoil my joke, why don't you? Sorry CJ, I was making it up. I'm glad someone appreciated it though.

52. You have an unwavering passion for cakes, pastries and cups of hot chocolate which you buy from the well-meaning but a bit embarrassing old man you seem to have mysteriously known for ever.

― Mark C (Mark C), Monday, 13 October 2003 13:30 (twenty-two years ago)

53, All crime is comitted by other people you know.

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Monday, 13 October 2003 13:38 (twenty-two years ago)

54. Scott and Charlene will always be doing very well in Brisbane and will always be sorry that they couldn't make it for the wedding/funeral/christening.

55. A tall, dark and handsome mature art dealer will walk into Granny's life but within six weeks will turn out to be a conman who has tricked Granny into giving him her entire life savings, which mysteriously are replenished when the plot is repeated 18 months hence.

56. Auntie dying in a car crash will always be a bit of a setback, especially as she was set to judge the marrow-growing competition that afternoon.

― Marcello Carlin, Monday, 13 October 2003 13:38 (twenty-two years ago)

I did get that it was a joke, Mark :) The thought of HD having the squits would have been almost as great a storyline as one involving Bouncer getting overly randy, humping the furniture and needing to get his nuts chopped off to calm him down. Why did they never write that episode, I wonder?

― C J (C J), Monday, 13 October 2003 13:39 (twenty-two years ago)

57. most problems can be remedied with either a Vegemite sandwich or a banana smoothie

― stevem (blueski), Monday, 13 October 2003 13:43 (twenty-two years ago)

58. You're over 60 but have just as many hott romances as people 50 years your junior.

― Mark C (Mark C), Monday, 13 October 2003 13:46 (twenty-two years ago)

59. you will never cop off with somebody you randomly meet, only people who live within 400 yards of your front door.

60. in fact you will never randomly met anyone

61. you have not heard of the interweb and if you have you will be immediately decended upon by a pervertalist

― CarsmileSteve (CarsmileSteve), Monday, 13 October 2003 13:51 (twenty-two years ago)

62. If you are a teenage female your school uniform is far too short.

― Anna (Anna), Monday, 13 October 2003 13:52 (twenty-two years ago)

63. Unless you are a modest and clever teenage female, then you have a longer skirt and possibly a cardigan. Then you get a make over from the older-sister figure next door, dye your hair blonde, become a doctor/ lawyer/ sexy female business woman and move to Brisbane with the school spunk who once rejected you.

― Anna (Anna), Monday, 13 October 2003 13:54 (twenty-two years ago)

64. You use the word 'spaz' without anyone finding it non politically correct.

― Anna (Anna), Monday, 13 October 2003 13:55 (twenty-two years ago)

65. "Aw rack off!"

― Anna (Anna), Monday, 13 October 2003 13:55 (twenty-two years ago)

i love how they would describe attractive men as 'spunky'

and you can't deny that Plain Jane Superbrain looked infinitely hotter in the Lassiters girl poster...

― stevem (blueski), Monday, 13 October 2003 13:57 (twenty-two years ago)

66. "...you flaming galah!"

― Mark C (Mark C), Monday, 13 October 2003 13:58 (twenty-two years ago)

But real actual Australians say things like "you flaming galah" and "aw rack off" don't they? Otherwise I'd have said something about owning a YOOT.

― Madchen (Madchen), Monday, 13 October 2003 14:07 (twenty-two years ago)

(incidentally, a Russian TV company is buying the format rights to make a Russian version of "Neighbours")

― Mark C (Mark C), Monday, 13 October 2003 14:12 (twenty-two years ago)

i'd be amazed if anyone has said 'rack off' in real life post 1987...not sure about 'galah', only one person says that anyway right?

― stevem (blueski), Monday, 13 October 2003 14:13 (twenty-two years ago)

(incidentally, a Russian TV company is buying the format rights to make a Russian version of "Neighbours")

this is SO necessary

― stevem (blueski), Monday, 13 October 2003 14:14 (twenty-two years ago)

67. You are either pregnant for either an unbelievably long or incredibly short time, then you give birth outside, still wearing your tights.

68. Your baby is not seen again until it’s old enough to have dialogue of it’s own (usually involving cute family pet)

― smee (smee), Monday, 13 October 2003 14:15 (twenty-two years ago)

69. You've never celebrated Christmas.
70. You believe that chocolate is a natural high.
71. Anyone who has ever drunk a beer is an alcoholic.

― dog latin, Monday, 13 October 2003 15:53 (twenty-two years ago)

'i'd be amazed if anyone has said 'rack off' in real life post 1987...'

Or indeed 1977.

72. If, for instance, you are the arrogant, irritating character who every other character dislikes intensely, when you do the Brisbane thing you will be replacd by another character who is just as unlikeable but in a very slightly different way.

― Fred Nerk (Fred Nerk), Tuesday, 14 October 2003 13:31 (twenty-two years ago)

73. If you go hiking in the bush you will get lost and be rescued by a ranger, possibly with a helicopter involved. If you have gone hiking with an ulterior motive (running away or kinky bush sex)one of you will get injured or die.

― Tim Finney (Tim Finney), Tuesday, 14 October 2003 23:54 (twenty-two years ago)

there should be more soap operas dedicated to kinky bush sex

― the surface noise (electricsound), Wednesday, 15 October 2003 00:01 (twenty-two years ago)

"there should be more soap operas dedicated to kinky bush sex"

Apart from Skippy, you mean?

― Tim Finney (Tim Finney), Wednesday, 15 October 2003 00:42 (twenty-two years ago)

74. Every twist or turn your life takes is INCREDIBLY OBVIOUSLY TELEGRAPHED IN ADVANCE.

― Mark C (Mark C), Wednesday, 15 October 2003 16:04 (twenty-two years ago)

two weeks pass...

75. You are imprisoned for drink driving, made to "stand on the white line" and suddenly notice that the prison has been built with plywood.

― Ben Mott (Ben Mott), Tuesday, 4 November 2003 01:41 (twenty-two years ago)

you celebrate every major charity day, bandana day, daffodil day, et cetera

― spilt_tigermilk, Tuesday, 4 November 2003 04:30 (twenty-two years ago)

Every time you assure someone that your plan can't fail, it does.

― colin s barrow (colin s barrow), Tuesday, 4 November 2003 04:56 (twenty-two years ago)

two years pass...

78. why did you move to brisbane?

― jed_ (jed), Saturday, 7 October 2006 22:17 (nineteen years ago)

79. You are eating a 'lamington' whatever the fuck that is. I've been to Oz and I still don't know.
80. Every song ever played by anyone is by an artist on Mushroom Records.

― chap who would dare to contain two ingredients. Tea and bags. (chap), Sunday, 8 October 2006 00:18 (nineteen years ago)

81. You are an 18 year old girl on the cusp of a brilliant career, and you accidentally fall pregnant and YOU KEEP THE FUCKING THING.
82. You have a prosthetic leg and only occaisionally remember to limp a bit.
83. You are named after some kind of sea creature.
84. Your school has only one classroom, which also serves as a venue for AA meetings, space for karate classes, polling station, the headmaster's office etc.

― chap who would dare to contain two ingredients. Tea and bags. (chap), Sunday, 8 October 2006 00:36 (nineteen years ago)

71. Anyone who has ever drunk a beer is an alcoholic.

Hahah this one is so OTM at the moment: Stingray supposedly has some massive drinking problem. This is borne out by him occasionally having a few beers in the afternoon, and subsequently being extra-chirpy and silly for a bit, much to his gf's consternation. I've never seen him have more than a six pack or a slug from a Johnny Red, and somehow he's a rotten boozer?

― Trayce (trayce), Sunday, 8 October 2006 06:06 (nineteen years ago)

if stingray is an alcoholic, i must be completely fucked

― electric sound of jim [and why not] (electricsound), Sunday, 8 October 2006 06:08 (nineteen years ago)

Hahaha ditto!

― Trayce (trayce), Sunday, 8 October 2006 06:17 (nineteen years ago)

http://www.ragingyoghurt.org/bloghurt/pics/lamington.jpg

― kit lamington (kit brash), Sunday, 8 October 2006 12:44 (nineteen years ago)

lamingtons are way yummier than they should be. the whole is much more than the sum of its ingredients.

― sunny successor (katharine), Sunday, 8 October 2006 14:28 (nineteen years ago)

85. You think having sex within the first 2 months of a relationship is Moving Too Fast. Even if you are in your late twenties.

― Slumpman (Slump Man), Sunday, 8 October 2006 16:10 (nineteen years ago)

86. You have been kidnapped by an evil twin who is in love with you and have ample oppurtunity to kick him in the balls and run off but don't.

― chap who would dare to contain two ingredients. Tea and bags. (chap), Monday, 9 October 2006 13:15 (nineteen years ago)

87. You do not own a doorbell, nor a lock for that matter. Friends, relatives, complete strangers are free to tramp through your living room at all ours of the day.

― wogan lenin (dog latin), Monday, 9 October 2006 15:50 (nineteen years ago)

88. People you know think chocolate is a drug and if you eat it you'll be on a natural high.

― wogan lenin (dog latin), Monday, 9 October 2006 15:52 (nineteen years ago)

89. Your siblings are obviously of a different ethnicity to you.

― chap who would dare to contain two ingredients. Tea and bags. (chap), Monday, 9 October 2006 15:57 (nineteen years ago)

You do not own a doorbell, nor a lock for that matter. Friends, relatives, complete strangers are free to tramp through your living room at all ours of the day.

This is kinda suburban-accurate, it's not that weird to go over to someone's house and find the front door open. So you wander in going "helloo?" to alert the homeowners to your delightfully unexpected presence.

― occasional mongrel (kit brash), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 02:10 (nineteen years ago)

90. There is a goth/weirdo in your neighbourhood, easily recognizable by the fact that she wears heavy eyeliner with her footy jumper.

― rattusnorvegicus (ratty!!), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 04:24 (nineteen years ago)

(and in the case of Bree, a TERRIBLE WIG)

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 04:29 (nineteen years ago)

91. There is a whiff of the grim reaper in the air when the car you're normally meant to go to the shops/ get married/ go on holiday in breaks down and is replaced with a considerably dodgier looking motor

― badg (badg), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 05:25 (nineteen years ago)

three years pass...

(incidentally, a Russian TV company is buying the format rights to make a Russian version of "Neighbours")

In Soviet Russia, galah flames YOU!

― Guernsey Shore (King Boy Pato), Tuesday, 3 August 2010 09:12 (fifteen years ago)

haha this thread

Your family of four only sits around three sides of the dining table.

― F-Unit (Ste), Tuesday, 3 August 2010 09:17 (fifteen years ago)

lol @ pato

I was astounded at chap's lamington assertion and scrolling down to defend this delicious mini-cake, then relieved to see this "kit" fellow had gotten in four years earlier

― ␆␆␆␆␆␆␆␆␆␆␆␆␆␆␆ you oughtta know by now (sic), Tuesday, 3 August 2010 14:16 (fifteen years ago)

luv this thread. haven't seen Neighbours or Home and Away for such a long time. :'(

related to 87:

88. if you finish having a conversation about An Important Thing, be prepared for someone to immediately turn up at your house and instigate a conversation about Another Important Thing.

― Merdeyeux, Tuesday, 3 August 2010 14:30 (fifteen years ago)

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