how can you tell you're in a porn movie?

Message Bookmarked

Bookmark Removed

i may regret this

― stevem (blueski), Monday, 13 October 2003 17:56 (twenty-two years ago)

But dude, you're in a porn movie!!! WTF LOL!!!1!1!!!

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Monday, 13 October 2003 17:58 (twenty-two years ago)

1. the action of the movie resembles a Momus lyric.

― hstencil, Monday, 13 October 2003 17:58 (twenty-two years ago)

2. You have a clitoris in your mouth.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Monday, 13 October 2003 17:59 (twenty-two years ago)

WOW I'm IN A PORN MOVIE

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Monday, 13 October 2003 18:00 (twenty-two years ago)

3. The moaning noises you make are totally out-of-synch with your facial expressions

― C J (C J), Monday, 13 October 2003 18:00 (twenty-two years ago)

(I obviously only watch very bad porn movies)

― C J (C J), Monday, 13 October 2003 18:01 (twenty-two years ago)

4. You're naked in a garden.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Monday, 13 October 2003 18:01 (twenty-two years ago)

4. You have a Caucasian gardener.

― oops (Oops), Monday, 13 October 2003 18:01 (twenty-two years ago)

6. Your bedroom consists of two walls and no ceiling

― miloauckerman (miloauckerman), Monday, 13 October 2003 18:03 (twenty-two years ago)

7. There's an entire camera crew in your bedroom

― C J (C J), Monday, 13 October 2003 18:04 (twenty-two years ago)

8. All your sexual encounters follow this order: oral sex, vaginal penetration, anal penetration, facial.

― oops (Oops), Monday, 13 October 2003 18:06 (twenty-two years ago)

9. Your brother's a "fluffer"

― C J (C J), Monday, 13 October 2003 18:08 (twenty-two years ago)

10. People wear spandex.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Monday, 13 October 2003 18:08 (twenty-two years ago)

11. The police officer who arrives at your house to make enquiries about a robbery is not at all surprised when you unzip his trousers and give him a blow job.

― C J (C J), Monday, 13 October 2003 18:10 (twenty-two years ago)

You start hearing cheesy 70's music out loud

and

You discover an orgy happening next door

― Nichole Graham (Nichole Graham), Monday, 13 October 2003 18:13 (twenty-two years ago)

Your life is very poorly lit.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Monday, 13 October 2003 18:21 (twenty-two years ago)

and out of focus

― C J (C J), Monday, 13 October 2003 18:26 (twenty-two years ago)

12. You have totally random conversations that include completely unnecessary dialogue.

(see Boogie Nights' first porn scene's dialogue)

― Girolamo Savonarola, Monday, 13 October 2003 18:29 (twenty-two years ago)

13.There's a Pizza delivery boy, BUT NO FUCKING PIZZA!

― Charles McCain (Charles McCain), Monday, 13 October 2003 18:32 (twenty-two years ago)

careful with your adjectives there

― oops (Oops), Monday, 13 October 2003 18:33 (twenty-two years ago)

(Ew no pizza-fucking porn plz ok thx)
(haha xpost)

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Monday, 13 October 2003 18:33 (twenty-two years ago)

14. no matter what winds up in your mouth, your thickly-applied coral or red lipgloss never seems to smudge.

― lauren (laurenp), Monday, 13 October 2003 18:34 (twenty-two years ago)

you seem to spend the majority of your time and attention on utterly mundane shit like driving in and out of parking lots, looking out the window, or talking about your business.

― umberto eco (gcannon), Monday, 13 October 2003 18:36 (twenty-two years ago)

Correction-there is no pizza

― Charles McCain (Charles McCain), Monday, 13 October 2003 18:38 (twenty-two years ago)

you find yourself saying things like, "Wow, you're really deep. I bet you read The Hobbit."

― M Matos (M Matos), Monday, 13 October 2003 18:40 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh my God Matos, what type of porn do you watch????? *runs away bewildered*

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Monday, 13 October 2003 18:46 (twenty-two years ago)

18."Hey, Is That Snoop Dogg!?"

― Charles McCain (Charles McCain), Monday, 13 October 2003 18:48 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh my God Matos, what type of porn do you watch????? *runs away bewildered*

HAHA! Are we trying to fool the masses, Perry?

And 19) R Kelly is again caught at his part-time job

― Nichole Graham (Nichole Graham), Monday, 13 October 2003 18:50 (twenty-two years ago)

10) Midgets get a lot of action.

― Carey (Carey), Monday, 13 October 2003 19:56 (twenty-two years ago)

21. Suddenly, the room you're in is noticeably warmer. You announce this as you remove your top.

― suzy (suzy), Monday, 13 October 2003 20:02 (twenty-two years ago)

22. You have sex every 10 minutes.

― oops (Oops), Monday, 13 October 2003 20:05 (twenty-two years ago)

23. You may gasp with pleasure, but you never, ever smile.

― Anna (Anna), Monday, 13 October 2003 20:07 (twenty-two years ago)

http://thecosbyshow75.altervista.org/italiano/immagini/063.jpg

― Curt1s St3ph3ns, Monday, 13 October 2003 20:12 (twenty-two years ago)

haha I made Dan Perry run away bewildered in a porn thread. I AM TRIUMPHANT!!!

― M Matos (M Matos), Monday, 13 October 2003 20:14 (twenty-two years ago)

I am briefly back to say that the mere suggestion of Cosby porn proves conclusively that there is no God.

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Monday, 13 October 2003 20:19 (twenty-two years ago)

24. You are a woman, and you keep saying, "Yeah, come on my face, baby. Give me your hot load."

― Kenan Hebert (kenan), Monday, 13 October 2003 20:27 (twenty-two years ago)

Whereas when a guy says that in a movie, he's talking about laundry.

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Monday, 13 October 2003 20:43 (twenty-two years ago)

Is it possible for guys to shoot cold loads? Y'know, like, not undead guys that is.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Monday, 13 October 2003 20:47 (twenty-two years ago)

A guy that willingly does laundry? Who the hell is that, and does he have a woman?

(x-post with Dan)

― Nichole Graham (Nichole Graham), Monday, 13 October 2003 20:49 (twenty-two years ago)

Is it possible for guys to shoot cold loads?

Sure. It drips out, and is called sludge

― Nichole Graham (Nichole Graham), Monday, 13 October 2003 20:50 (twenty-two years ago)

It drips out? Wow, I feel so uneducated.

― Layna Andersen (Layna Andersen), Monday, 13 October 2003 20:52 (twenty-two years ago)

Nichole, I don't know that guy you're with, but I strongly recommend running away before he eats your brains.

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Monday, 13 October 2003 20:53 (twenty-two years ago)

Excuse me while I go throw up.

― Ally (mlescaut), Monday, 13 October 2003 20:53 (twenty-two years ago)

Apologise to Ally this instant, Dan. We've offended her tender sensibilities.

― Nichole Graham (Nichole Graham), Monday, 13 October 2003 20:55 (twenty-two years ago)

Nichole, I don't know that guy you're with, but I strongly recommend running away before he eats your brains.

I'm wholly single, Dan. Might get solitary, but zombies are currently at the bottom of my date plan.

― Nichole Graham (Nichole Graham), Monday, 13 October 2003 20:56 (twenty-two years ago)

Back to the topic in hand....

25. All the curtains are closed even though it's two in the afternoon.

― Billy Dods (Billy Dods), Monday, 13 October 2003 20:57 (twenty-two years ago)

26. You flatmate who just happens to be walking around wearing only a basque insists on joining in.

― Billy Dods (Billy Dods), Monday, 13 October 2003 21:01 (twenty-two years ago)

27. Guy named Edward- has penises for hands.

― Carey (Carey), Monday, 13 October 2003 21:03 (twenty-two years ago)

Guys - your cock is at least 10 inches long.
Gals - your tits resemble a pair of inflated balloons. You also have a shaved pussy.

― udu wudu (udu wudu), Monday, 13 October 2003 21:11 (twenty-two years ago)

http://www.goldandstone.com/graphics/illustrations/depilatedcat.gif

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Monday, 13 October 2003 21:16 (twenty-two years ago)

28. No condom, no problem

― Aaron A., Monday, 13 October 2003 21:32 (twenty-two years ago)

29. You are surprised at your obsessive attitude towards anal hygiene.

― Mark C (Mark C), Monday, 13 October 2003 21:35 (twenty-two years ago)

30. Your lesbian partner penetrates you with her sculpted nails and you have no problem with this.

― A Girl Named Sam (thatgirl), Monday, 13 October 2003 22:07 (twenty-two years ago)

A guy that willingly does laundry? Who the hell is that, and does he have a woman?

You are aware that liquid detergent is commonly used in the money shots?

31. You are constantly offering back rubs to everyone...your roommate, your girlfriend, the pizza delivery guy, the naked cat...

― j.lu (j.lu), Monday, 13 October 2003 22:22 (twenty-two years ago)

You are aware that liquid detergent is commonly used in the money shots?

If I had studied them, I'd have gone blind.
So nope, no idea.

― Nichole Graham (Nichole Graham), Monday, 13 October 2003 22:25 (twenty-two years ago)

32. In the real world, if you accidentaly encounter a couple having sex, you back away for modesty's sake.

In a porn movie, if you accidentally encounter a couple having sex, you strip down and start licking at the most readily accessible butthole.

― j.lu (j.lu), Monday, 13 October 2003 22:30 (twenty-two years ago)

33. You look up and notice you're not on film anymore

― brian nemtusak (sanlazaro), Monday, 13 October 2003 22:46 (twenty-two years ago)

34. when you're about to go down on a woman, not only do you have a terribly cheesy mustache, you don't even spit out the gum you are chewing. also, you say things like, "yeah, it's drippy."

[so help me God, I am not making this up, I actually saw this once in a porno. the Hobbit dialogue I just heard about from someone else]

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 14 October 2003 00:47 (twenty-two years ago)

excuse me. I got that wrong. what he said was, "it's real drippy."

so. much. better.

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 14 October 2003 00:48 (twenty-two years ago)

this may well have been more traumatic than living with Chris, btw.

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 14 October 2003 00:53 (twenty-two years ago)

number thirty-odd:

the question of whether anything or any number of things will fit into any of your particular orifices is a foregone conclusion.

it/they will fit, and you will enjoy it.

― Kingfish (Kingfish), Tuesday, 14 October 2003 02:15 (twenty-two years ago)

one year passes...

38. "You like me fucking your pocket taco" comes out of your mouth.

― Velveteen Bingo (Chris V), Thursday, 28 October 2004 16:55 (twenty-one years ago)

39. During incourse, you say, "I've got a piss hard-on that won't quit."

― Hank Tenbeer (kenan), Thursday, 28 October 2004 16:57 (twenty-one years ago)

40. The salad be tossin'

― Velveteen Bingo (Chris V), Thursday, 28 October 2004 16:58 (twenty-one years ago)

41. Fuckin' fuckin' fuckin' all day long, but nary a queef to be heard.

― Hank Tenbeer (kenan), Thursday, 28 October 2004 17:00 (twenty-one years ago)

42. In school it always seems to be sex ed class.

― Markelby (Mark C), Thursday, 28 October 2004 17:01 (twenty-one years ago)

43. Your voice sounds all boomy and overmodulated.

― briania (briania), Thursday, 28 October 2004 17:13 (twenty-one years ago)

44. Your vag feels all roomy and overpopulated

― Penelope_111 (Penelope_111), Thursday, 28 October 2004 17:17 (twenty-one years ago)

45. Your left ankle is behind your head and you have on heels.

― The Ghost of Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Thursday, 28 October 2004 17:20 (twenty-one years ago)

46 while your right one is sinking into the spotty arse of a hairy hells angel.

― Penelope_111 (Penelope_111), Thursday, 28 October 2004 17:22 (twenty-one years ago)

47. Your hair is all sticky.

― Wooden (Wooden), Thursday, 28 October 2004 17:22 (twenty-one years ago)

48. You're surrounded by mist being fondled by men wearing "Phantom of the Opera" masks.

― MindInRewind (Barry Bruner), Thursday, 28 October 2004 17:23 (twenty-one years ago)

49. You are a man, you have a MULLET, and the prospect of sex isn't an impossibility.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Thursday, 28 October 2004 17:23 (twenty-one years ago)

50. Black girls are described as being 'Ebony' for some reason.

― Wooden (Wooden), Thursday, 28 October 2004 17:24 (twenty-one years ago)

(haha nickalicious has highlighted how being in a porn movie is like living in Minnesota)

― The Ghost of Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Thursday, 28 October 2004 17:25 (twenty-one years ago)

51. There's a penis in your ass and your vagina and your mouth and one in each hand.

― Loose Translation: Sexy Dancer (sexyDancer), Thursday, 28 October 2004 17:39 (twenty-one years ago)

52. ...and you're in a "psychiatrist's office".

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Thursday, 28 October 2004 17:46 (twenty-one years ago)

53. Your dentist uses his dick to check out your cavities.

― Penelope_111 (Penelope_111), Thursday, 28 October 2004 17:47 (twenty-one years ago)

54. I'm masturbating while I'm watching you.

― n/a (Nick A.), Thursday, 28 October 2004 17:48 (twenty-one years ago)

55. You're just SO FUCKING HUNGRY FOR COCK.

― Wooden (Wooden), Thursday, 28 October 2004 17:49 (twenty-one years ago)

56. http://pied.nu/banned/the_Dilbert_Hole/tn/14.gif.html

― The Ghost of Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Thursday, 28 October 2004 17:51 (twenty-one years ago)

You must be logged in to post. Please either login here, or if you are not registered, you may register here.