and this then is the thread where we post our most pathetic recipes

Vermicelli With Raw Alfredo Sauce

Cook some angel hair pasta -- you can handle that much, can't you? Try to pay attention to it so that it doesn't clump together or get entirely soggy, but if something more interesting than cooking comes your way (like, say, fooling around wtih your bass) then don't worry about it, life is forgiving.

When the pasta is ready (or possibly a few minutes after that) drain it and add several pats of butter. Add a few shakes of "Italian Seasonings" and stir. Then add sprinkle cheese -- you know, Kraft parmesan cheese. Maybe there will be some romano in it; everybody loves romano. If you have crushed spicy pepper stuff, sprinkle some of that on too.

Eat. Once you can't taste the sprinkle cheese any more, sprinkle on another heap of it. Read a magazine while you eat it so you're less aware of what you're putting into your mouth -- hey, there's the new Atlantic Monthly!

Yum.

http://www.candyboots.com/wwcards.html

"snappy"!

Cook Minute Rice, add a can of kidney beans and frozen package of greens. Nuke. Add Cohula sauce and if you feel fancy, cheese. Eat.

cook box of mac & cheese. add curry power. tear chicken off ot the half-chicken that you still have in the fridge. mix. shove in your gob.

Take one large can of baked beans. Open can, ensuring lid is fully removed. Serve with spoon. For best results use a teaspoon as a larger spoon may not be suitable for scraping bottom of can.

1. Take piece of Lebanese bread.
2. Smear bread with tomato paste.
3. Put sliced (who has time to grate?) mozarella cheese on top of tomato paste-spreaded bread.
4. Add oregano (if you want to be pretentious about it.)
5. Bake in oven until brown crust forms or you can't be arsed waiting any longer.
6. Eat.

More amusing food.

Unwrap hunk of mozzarella cheese. Open jar of tomato sauce. Find the appropriate angle for ripping cheese so that the cheese-striation allows for strips of cheese. Because you wouldn't possibly want to dirty utensils. Dip cheese in tomato sauce (out of jar, naturally). Eat.

Mozzarella and mayo sandwich

Peer in fridge. Extract Mozzarella cheese and bread. Tear off some mozzarella and arrange on bread. Puzzle over other possible ingredients. Despair at lack of pickles, then notice mayonnaise. Lament the need of silverware, retrieve clean knife. Spread mayo on bread, put sandwich together. Eat.

Energy Bar with peanut butter

Unwrap energy bar. Taste. Make distorted annoyed face. Get peanut butter out of fridge. Sigh and find a clean knife. Spread thick layer of peanut butter on energy bar. Taste. Spread more peanut butter on, creating a very thick, even layer. Eat.

It scares me that I can relate to the Baked Beans post.

Cook Rice with one added mushroom stock cube. Fry Two Eggs and add to the pile of rice. Eat with hands because all your cutlery is in the sink, you dirty bitch.

Buy a frozen cheese pizza. Chop up some red onion and green pepper, possibly some mushrooms. Put the veggies on the pizza, dumbass. Cook it, loser.

Boil water. No sweat so far, right? While the water's boiling, instead of staring at it like a dumbass, dice (aka "cut into little pieces") some green onions and mushrooms. When the water has come to a boil, add the veggies, the ramen noodles, and accompanying spice pack (preferably "spicy chicken, bitch!"). Listen to one Ramones song from beginning to end, then remove the pot of goodies from the heat. Eat the noodles & veggies with chopsticks, slurp (eventually chug) the broth. Booyah, you be eatin' noodleses Tampopo style, biyotch.

Grab a big ol' wad of ground beef. Squish into a vaguely burger like shape. If you drop it on the ground, don't worry, we call that "cajun style". Throw it in a hotter-than-fuck skillet. Flip it over after awhile, I dunno when man, just figure it out for yourself. Squish down on it with a spatula every once in awhile; when the juices coming out are clear and not pink, your burger be done. Slap that mofo on two pieces of bread (NO BUNS) with a slice of cheese (or cheese-food-product) and slother mayonnaise all over it. Shove into your face. Enjoy!

Stick them in a device called "a toaster".

Press magic toasting lever.

The bread will let you know when it's done.

Serve "toast" with peanut butter.

Make a bowl of Smash. Add some microwaved peas and a tin of tuna. Mix. Eat.

Tuna & Pea Smash Fritters.

As above, but before eating, shape into little burgers and fry.

Fishfinger sandwich

4 fishfingers (fried) between two slices of no frills white bread with a good slathering of mayonnaise.

Combine 1 cup of rice with one can of Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup and one Campbell's Soup can of water. Bring to boil, then reduce heat to medium and simmer until rice is fully cooked. (If crispiness is desired, bake in oven at 350 for 10 minutes after rice is cooked.)

I invented this dish when I was 13.

go to neighborhood coffee shop (preferably owner-operated). get one large cup (16 oz.) chai soy latte. add one "bitesize" bar of Hershey's Special Dark. drink.

drink most of it

Get some water, either from the tap or from a bottle or from the morning dewdrops on your windowpane. Place it in a container. Put it in a freezer. Wait.

Wait longer.

YOU HAVE ICE!

Reach into a drawer in your fridge for whatever the fuck is in there. Grab handful. Shove in mouth. Repeat until the room stops spinning.

buy beer

drink most of it

Place flour tortilla in hot skillet. Sprinkle cheese on one half, and spread refried beans (straight from the can) on the other half. Wait until cheese is melted and beans are warm. Fold in half. Serve. Hot sauce is optional.

Potage de poulet crémeux, froid hors du bidon

Open cupboard. Remove can of cream chicken soup. Dig through drawer for can opener. Open can, find spoon (preferably clean), eat soup from can.

(that French might be entirely wrong, but it looks cool)

1. Open one end of a ramen package. DO NOT TEAR THE PACKAGE.
2. Shake the flavor packet out of the ramen package.
3. Open the flavor packet and pour it back into the ramen package.
4. Scrunch up the ramen package, crushing the noodles.

VOILA! Instant mildly-exotic snack.

Put ramen where coffee grinds would normally go in hotel room coffee pot. Put water in it. Push the "on" button. Remove the noodles from, um, nook or whatthefuckever you want to call it, place in broth. For an added optional treat, when you're done, chuck the coffee pot out the window, cuz fuck it's fun throwing things out of hotel windows isn't it?

oh, I don't think he covers it. and it's not cooked properly when he eats it. Also, the pan is barely dirty from Top Ramen, I mean just give it a soapy once-over.

1. take hot dog from fridge
2. put in pot of cold water
3. turn on water
4. get 1 slice of wonder bread
5. mustard bread
6. watch pot until boils
7. take dog from water, wrap in slice of bread
8. Enjoy!