This is the thread where you heartlessly post your most unintentionally funny emails

Good morning everyone!

It seems that I've woken up a totally new person this morning, for no particular reason. Maybe it's the fact that I've finally gotten over my cold! I just thought that I'll write and ask you all what your thoughts are about a decision I'm trying to make!

Due to the internal changes within the company I'm presently working at, it seems that I've been kind of had a promotion. From a telesales person to more of a field sales position. What that means is that I'm going to have the opportunity to now go out and visit the clients and sell to them directly. What this means is that I'm going to have to go and acquire some suites and have to start looking good for this position. Like my one manager used to say: It's the person they buy, not the product! So it's the whole image thing!

So what I'm debating at present is what to do with my hair? No, don't worry, I'm not planning to cut it short! But do something else quite drastic: dye it brown! I realised this morning when walking past a mirrored window that my roots are looking bad again and it's time to see the hair dresser! But then I really thought about it and realised that at this stage of my life I cant actually afford to go and have a half a head of highlights with a trim for £80 every month! It's just too much! Also considering I'm going into this position, and I am really nervous about it and don't know if I'm going to survive. (Do the job right!) So I'm going to have to sacrifice some things, which I'm thinking that the blonde has to go!

But then the other flip of the coin is that men prefer blondes, and that's who my audience is going to be(who I'm selling too!) The main reason why I decided to go blonde in the first place is because it suits me better and I got men so much easier. But now that I've put on weight (well, allot, for those that haven't seen me recently!) and also I'm so fussy in what guys I go for anyway, what's the point of me trying to satisfy them by having my hair blonde?

So I've decided to just get a 'nice & easy' or something like that and dye my hair brown. Back to my original colour! Much cheaper!

As you can hear, I'm really just trying to talk myself into it! But thought that the best people that would know what I should do would be you that knows me! What do you think, should I go brown or not! I'm taking a vote!

Please vote now!

Thanks for listening. And for the men that I sent this through to: It's you that go for us women, so it's your advise I mostly want to hear!

she's going to lug her own furniture round with her!

Whew! I was scared for a second there!

Hi there,
Thanks for replying, it does'nt matter now as dad has fixed the problem with his ISP fellow. Something to do with something that was sent and in the format, made specially for the internal program or some such.

It hurt my brain trying to parse that last sentence.

However, I would write back and offer her the URL of ILX, we could do with those kind of job skills here!

I just realized that enbeded in my minutes from the last XXXXX XXXXXX division meeting is my own little narrative about the executive director of XXXXXX.
Little comments like "Shut up blabber mouth!" and "Why won't they make him stop talking?!" throughout. I actually sent it out like that. Let's hope no
one reads the minutes too thouroughly or I could be in a fair amount of hot water. I guess I'll find out tomorrow whether I'm in trouble or not as I am in
a XXXX XXXXX meeting.

This message is not flagged. [ Flag Message - Mark as Unread ]

Date: 19 Nov 2003 14:13:46 -0000
To: nza23420@yahoo.com
Subject: the dudes with the big mouths!!
From: "XXXX"


there freaking funny man, put the on the site!

WARNING. This email has been received from the internet.

---------- Forwarded Message ----------
From: xxxxxxxxxxxx
To: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: admission

Respected Sir / Madam,
Greetings in the most high name of our Lord Jesus
Christ!
My name is xxxxx xxxxx and a Christian chap. I have
great regard for education and
always on the lookout to get knowledge whenever and
from wherever it is possible.
I believe education should be available to all it just
not available to aristocrat and rich and no one should
be deprived of it. It is education by that we can
transform the ignorance, hate, barbarism, violence,
hypocrisy, darkness and terrorism of this world into
love, harmony, understanding, peace, brotherhood,
justice and enlightenment.
Education is such a gift that helps man suggest the
creator of this vast universe and teaches the art of
happy, joyful and blissful life.
That is way I so wish to be enriched with knowledge
by attending your prestigious English language
institute. So I would like to request you kindly to
help me by giving me a place to study an English
language course.

I hope devoutly that you will consider my request for
admission sympathetically and give a chance to get
knowledge at your esteemed institute.

May our Lord bless you with all of His blessings so
you could share these blessings with needy people!
Yours sincerely in Christ,
xxxxx xxxxx

To be fair, a lot of email doesn't come from the internet.

most of mine came from "f0xych1ck@spam.com"

You see, studying in the UK is the most terrific occation in my entire life. Every time I watch TV and hear your Prime Minister 's voice on TV, I feel cracy and think to myself how beautiful voice he has. And ask myself when in my life I could pronounce English as he does.In fact, I dream of meeting him.

"Dear friends,

I doubt I will ever get to play the Hammersmith Palais again, and if you need an excuse to return to that great venue and re-live all those great times you had there...well this might be the opportunity. If you let me know by the weekend I can get tickets for £10. What am I on about? Read on:...."

I'm a time traveler stuck here in 2003. Upon arriving here my dimensional warp generator stopped working. I trusted a company here by the name of LLC Lasers to repair my Generation 3 52 4350A watch unit, and they fled on me. I am going to need a new DWG unit, prefereably the rechargeable AMD wrist watch model with the GRC79 induction motor, four I80200 warp stabilizers, 512GB of SRAM and the menu driven GUI with front panel XID display.

I will take whatever model you have in stock, as long as its received certification for being safe on carbon based life forms.

In terms of payment: I dont have any Galactic Credits left. Payment can be made in platinum gold or 2003 currency upon safe delivery of unit.

Please transport unit in either a brown paper bag or box to below coordinates on Monday July 28th at (exactly 3:00pm) Eastern Standard Time on the dot. A few minutes prior will be ok, but it cannot be after. If you miss this timeframe please email me.

Latitude N 42.48018 & Longitude W 071.15503 and the Elevation is 96. WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO TRANSPORT ITEM BY REGULAR MEANS OF TELEPORTATION. THEY ARE MONITORING AND WILL REDIRECT THE SIGNAL!! I DO NOT CARE HOW YOU HAVE TO GET IT HERE, JUST DO IT IN A WAY THAT NO SPYING EYES WILL POSSIBLY BE ABLE TO REDIRECT THE TRANSFERENCE. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT THAT YOU BE ABLE TO MONITOR THE TRANSFER.

Although those coordinates are a secure guarded area, these channels through email are never secure. Unfortunately it is the only form of communication I have right now.

After unit has been sent please email me at: info@federalfundingprogram.com with payment instructions. Do not reply directly back to this email.

Thank You

anticipationsltakt
w
ivadwrdozu

u fat twat

==
This email was sent by james (james_merrick4@hotmail.com), a user of ilXor.com.
http://ilx.wh3rd.net/index.php

Hey Mod. Are You Male Or Female You Should Put A Picture Of Yourself On The Front Page Of The [program title] Site Because If You Are Female And Over 22 I'd Like To Check You Out.

It's handy that he explained why!

I am in hysterics at the post of my mum's email from '03, I don't even remember posting it, but it is incomprehensible and hilarious.

Freecycle wanteds, people be wanting fancy dress.

"My husband is taking part in an amateur theatre production and needs an outfit for 3 nights starting Thursday. Size is medium. He is playing a fireman. Any help or suggestions? Many thanks"

"Hiya my twins need to dress up on friday for national book week at
school.. they outfits need to be related to the sea..ie mermaids,
pirates, fish,octopus etc etc "

Gig review sent to me at work yesterday:

'Good evening we are The Fall' is where the pleasantries start and end with Mark E. Smith. The crowd face a pre-show greeting from the substitute singer (who later led a one song Smith-free encore), and this rant promised a 'terrifying gig'! Mark E. and his ever changing hired hands took to the stage at the Point, Cardiff, and the bulldog chewing a wasp features of the Fall fuhrer confirm the 'terrifying' tag!

The Fall do not pander to fashions, fancies or the fans, and this manifesto has spanned over thirty years of aural anarchy! Veteran aficionados know the score but the new breed enters the cauldron at their own risk, and there are always casualties who cannot survive a 'Rebellious Jukebox' primed on 'Northern Attitude'. This is not the foul sound of spineless, corporate commerciality this is a 'Fall Sound' of gritty, gung ho, garage rock!

A dip in to the past came via the wondrous 'Wings' (a 1983 gem)-and, from there on in the contents of the recent albums 'Fall Heads Roll', 'Reformation Post TLC' and the 2008 tome 'Imperial Wax Solvent' provide a raucous, real deal, rock n roll ride!

The band provides a buoyant backbeat as Smith barks his bile and enforces his stance as the governor who rules with a rod of krypton! The master mixes the music as he tampers with mikes, amps, and instruments to create a fiery furore-and, the always different but always the same label applied to The Fall maintains its momentum!

Smith continues to stand on the outside and his peerless and fearless angular arsenal of perverted pop makes amends for manufactured, musical conformity! After an hour the main man departs after a bit of cat and mouse play with the crowd over a requested re-appearance, but there you go that is what the 'Hip Priest' thrives upon. An annual visit to Cardiff has proven to be a regular date for The Fall, and long may this trend continue!

My employer's pay for my hotel and per diem. I stay at the Residence Inn in Phoenix. It is awesome. They have a pool and jewcuizi. Have a Great Bless Day! I AM VERY GLAD TAHT YOU EMAILED ME BACK!!!

(name)

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fun with dependent clauses:

In order to ensure that the 10th floor break refrigerators provide adequate space for all employees and are maintained in a clean and sanitary condition, please adhere to the following:

Remove your old or unwanted food at the end of each day.

Refrain from placing multiple storage containers in the refrigerator (for example, a Styrofoam container placed inside a plastic bag).

Label ALL ITEMS with your name that you place in the refrigerator.