Beat Colin at chess

2. E2-E4

I'll tell you another story about my espresso. When people come round and I give them coffee, they fall into silence. A reverent silence descends. Then one of them might say, 'holy f***, this is some damn fine coffee'. That's how good it is.

I go to the best grinders, I make up my own blend, I SPECIFY the coarseness of the grind, if necessary I get the manager in, especially if I'm getting attitude from the cheese goofer at the counter.

Then, fueled with this mellow, deep, arabica, crowned with a the slightest of lemon astringencies, I come up with the most ridiculous, the most pointless posts, imaginable.

* He never makes an espresso without making one first for the espresso machine. He says it coats the metal, removing any lingering metallic taste, but I think he really does it as a sacrifice to God.

* He has a laboratory that looks like a dentist's room. He has had black lights installed so that people conducting taste tests are not influenced by the way the coffee looks.

* He can accurately distinguish which countries the beans have come from, and what percentage of each bean is in the blend. He is never wrong.

* he once told me that Segafredo means 'wank cold' - which gives you an idea of his opinion of this blend.

* He has a smell kit. This is a small case full of about 60 vials containing different oils extracted from coffee beans, isolating certain characteristics to look out for. There is a booklet describing each smell. He likes to pass the vials around.

* He has a friend who collects antique espresso machines and antique vibrators.

* He never eats garlic, chili or meat. Why? Because it might interfere with his enjoyment of coffee.

* He invented coffee art. He sees the designs as mandalas and is, I think (he never talks about it) a devout buddhist.

* You cannot know him without receiving regular tutorials in espresso making. He simply won't allow you not to.

This is, of course, a criterion that can be applied generally to all sensei. Simply replace "antique espresso machines" with the relevant objet-shibboleth.

Actually, not it isn't.