Oh god I have to assemble a CHEST OF DRAWERS

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That'll teach me to go to Ikea.

Anyway, it's going to take me all night, isn't it? I'm on my own, I'm completely apathetic, and I'm hopeless at DIY.

This is the thread where you relay your own tales of DIY mayhem, where you give me hints and tips on how to put the bloody thing together/survive, and where you banter with me to keep my spirits up.

Up and at them!!

― Mark C (Mark C), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 14:46 (twenty-two years ago)

I could have built you one.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 14:49 (twenty-two years ago)

It's a piece of pi$$, stop being a girl and get on with it ;o)

― chris (chris), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 14:50 (twenty-two years ago)

cripes, take it easy!
It's a chest of drawers, not a particle accelerator.

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 14:51 (twenty-two years ago)

follow the instructions,young grasshopper.

― Ed (dali), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 14:51 (twenty-two years ago)

I find assembling flat-pack stuff quite enjoyable and relaxing.

This does not mean I'm coming round to put together your drawers though Mark.

― robster (robster), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 14:52 (twenty-two years ago)

HSA: Kate, can we build a particle accelerator in the spare room?
Kate: Only if you can order it at IKEA!!!

― kate (kate), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 14:53 (twenty-two years ago)

It's really easy to assemble any bit of medium-sized furniture provided they don't give you THE WRONG FUCKING SCREWS and you end up putting massive holes through everything without realising.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 14:53 (twenty-two years ago)

Chris, I sold my dresser for the move, can you build me a new one with lots of secret compartments please?

― NA (Nick A.), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 14:54 (twenty-two years ago)

It's dead easy Mark, all IKEA stuff is, it's designed precisely for people like you (and me - I had the ph34r first time too).

I thought you were meant to be some kind of Internet hardman!

― Tico Tico (Tico Tico), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 14:54 (twenty-two years ago)

Before you screw anything, double check the instructions to make sure you have your parts the right way round.

(/filth)

― Madchen (Madchen), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 14:54 (twenty-two years ago)

Madchen makes the posts so I don't have to.

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 14:55 (twenty-two years ago)

They never provide the wrong size screws, only the wrong size holes.

― Ed (dali), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 14:56 (twenty-two years ago)

This thread has such great potential but it's five o'clock and I've got to go home. NO FAIR!

― Madchen (Madchen), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 14:56 (twenty-two years ago)

this is totally my idea of bliss; I love assembling furniture!

― teeny (teeny), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 14:58 (twenty-two years ago)

Mark you should make sure the drawers are removed before you handle the chest.

― Tico Tico (Tico Tico), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 14:58 (twenty-two years ago)

I have to try and figure out how to disassemble our bookshelves, which are like cheap-o bookshelves with fake backing, without breaking anything or losing any parts. I'm not looking forward to it.

― NA (Nick A.), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 14:59 (twenty-two years ago)

it took me about 3 and a half hours to assemble my Argos CD rack. good luck mark

― stevem (blueski), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 14:59 (twenty-two years ago)

My formula for DIY:

1) try
2) stop trying
3) drink
4) try again
5) fuck things up beyond repair
6) drink some more
7) smash thing to bits with pieces of itself

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 14:59 (twenty-two years ago)

Mark you should make sure the drawers are removed before you handle the chest.

i'm typeless

― stevem (blueski), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 15:00 (twenty-two years ago)

hopefully, when it is finally erect, you will be gazing upon a beautiful chest and be able to stroke your knobs and smoke a cock.

― RJG (RJG), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 15:00 (twenty-two years ago)

And then you can fuck it.

― NA (Nick A.), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 15:01 (twenty-two years ago)

mark c is going to fill this chest of drawers with Y-FRONTS

― stevem (blueski), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 15:02 (twenty-two years ago)

Madchen!! What the HELL are you doing on the internet?

Ewing, you starting? Come on then.

I still haven't started. I have to disassemble the old CoD first.

What gave me the fear about this is that my flatmate got a flatpack something-similar and it took him 5 hours of solid labour. Groo.

Enough wussiness. To the chest!!

― Mark C (Mark C), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 15:05 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh, put a sock in it.

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 15:05 (twenty-two years ago)

just kiddin

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 15:06 (twenty-two years ago)

Tracer wins.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 15:07 (twenty-two years ago)

Dan is just sitting back and laughing at you all. He already made all these jokes in his head and you are his slaves for saying them.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 15:12 (twenty-two years ago)

Old chest is now out of the way. Hoovering done, condoms found down the back (of the chest, not the hoover). Extracting materials for new chest in progress. A million screws!! Oh, the humanity!

― Mark C (Mark C), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 15:22 (twenty-two years ago)

not used i hope

― stevem (blueski), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 15:28 (twenty-two years ago)

I love putting furniture together! It's on my list of 25 favourite things. It's primal.

― jel -- (jel), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 15:33 (twenty-two years ago)

No, not used. Every single one of my old drawers would leak (as it were) so I've found all kinds of things down the back before.

Dan?

― Mark C (Mark C), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 15:34 (twenty-two years ago)

There is nothing primal about knocked-down joints.

― Ed (dali), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 15:48 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm sorry but sometimes those instructions they give at Ikea are just WRONG. Sometimes there are missing parts, parts broken off, two pieces that just don't go together - that's when you have to get out the old electric drill and put the damn thing together with drywall screws. Ikea is shit.

― calstars (calstars), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 16:05 (twenty-two years ago)

This thread makes all of my jokes for me!

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 16:10 (twenty-two years ago)

If you can't put together furniture from Ikea then there is no fucking hope for you, I'm sorry.

― TOMBOT, Wednesday, 22 October 2003 16:13 (twenty-two years ago)

Mark, surely that X chromosome can guide your fingers into turning the drill on? First things first: look for that big pretty red button....

(There are worse horrors than knocking together a chest of drawers, mate!)

― Nichole Graham (Nichole Graham), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 16:19 (twenty-two years ago)

http://www.utilikilts.com/images/original/khaki.jpg

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 16:21 (twenty-two years ago)

Building IKEA furniture is one of my own personal hells. Luckily, my best friend buys EVERY SINGLE PRODUCT THEY HAVE (really, you should see her apartment - they could do their photo shoots there, she has everything they make) and I always get nominated to build shit.

I think I have to throw her off a cliff.

― luna (luna.c), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 16:22 (twenty-two years ago)

Mark, I suggest that you never EVER let Sarah see this thread!

― Lara (Lara), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 16:30 (twenty-two years ago)

If you don't have an electric screwdriver, DO NOT BEGIN UNTIL YOU HAVE PURCHASED ONE. Unless you like having blisters on the palms of your hands. And seriously, check the bits are the right way round - I have a back-to-front bed which looks fine and has not collapsed, but just the knowledge that it's wrong pisses gets my goat.

― Mooro (Mooro), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 16:44 (twenty-two years ago)

Unless you like having blisters on the palms of your hands.

Ah, to be twelve again.

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 16:44 (twenty-two years ago)

Arse, have I not been on ILE at home since Mooro was last here? That was me, not him.

― Madchen (Madchen), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 16:45 (twenty-two years ago)

Also I said pisses gets my goat. I am obviously low on blood sugar and must have some dinner.

― Madchen (Madchen), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 16:45 (twenty-two years ago)

I think that wrong pisses gets everyone's goat. Nothing is wronger than a wrong piss.

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 16:50 (twenty-two years ago)

and it took him 5 hours of solid labour

my goodness, you are posh, aren't you! ;)

― teeny (teeny), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 17:21 (twenty-two years ago)

i have to agree with Dan - pissing on goats is incredibly wrong

― stevem (blueski), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 18:02 (twenty-two years ago)

How would you know that, Steve?;>

― Nichole Graham (Nichole Graham), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 18:04 (twenty-two years ago)

I love the way Madchen's addiction is in full swing again although she's trying to deny it.

― Lara (Lara), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 18:08 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm not addicted, I can give up any time I want to.

― Madchen (Madchen), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 18:13 (twenty-two years ago)

but isn't all IKEA stuff made to be put together with an Alun key? Electric screwdriver would be useless!

― jel -- (jel), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 18:21 (twenty-two years ago)

My mistake. love the way Madchen's addiction is in full swing again although she can give up any time she wants to.

― Lara (Lara), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 18:23 (twenty-two years ago)

Jel, wouldn't you have to find the Alun key first?

― Nichole Graham (Nichole Graham), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 18:23 (twenty-two years ago)

Also electric skrewdriver is useful for when it all foes wrong and you want to vent. Here kitty kitty, here kitty...

― Lara (Lara), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 18:24 (twenty-two years ago)

I didn't know you harboured those sorts of opinions.

― RJG (RJG), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 18:26 (twenty-two years ago)

http://www.midgaard.org/swe/ovrigt/musmattor/skrewdriver.jpg

― RJG (RJG), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 18:26 (twenty-two years ago)

My electric screwdriver has an alun key attachment. Ner. It's crap though, the screw wears out quite quickly. Most Ikea stuff (and I've put together an awful lot in the last four months) is put toegether with a philips-top half screw kind of thing and another philips-top thing that goes in a bigger hole and kind of latches onto the first screw sideways. I realise that makes no sense at all.

Is that really how you spell alun key?

― Madchen (Madchen), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 18:28 (twenty-two years ago)

allen?

― RJG (RJG), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 18:30 (twenty-two years ago)

It's crap though, the screw wears out quite quickly.

On Saturdays Madchen liked to build rockets (when H&M weren't having a sale).

― Lara (Lara), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 18:30 (twenty-two years ago)

I gave mine a proper name - Alan.

― Lara (Lara), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 18:31 (twenty-two years ago)

i am sick and tired of this joke

― Alan Key (blueski), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 19:16 (twenty-two years ago)

Mark, I think you'll find that Sarah is a miracle worker with an allan wrench.

― jennpb (jennpb), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 20:44 (twenty-two years ago)

So. The chest of drawers is being picked up by Ikea this weekend, and a new one dropped off.

There was a *major* problem with the components. Essentially, it came in 2 boxes, one big, and one small. I managed to get one of each, but they both had (unbeknownst to me until tonight) "2 of 2" written on them. This makes no sense.

What I *think* must have happened is that at some point they changed the contents of the boxes, and I managed to get one old one and one new one. I ended up with several duplicates and about 15 pieces missing. Curses!

The one plus is that Ikea's customer service staff were helpful, good-humoured and patient.

Find filth in that, yo.

(Jenn, Sarah was sweet and helpful via the miracle of telephony :))

― Mark C (Mark C), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 21:15 (twenty-two years ago)

good job, mark.

― RJG (RJG), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 21:31 (twenty-two years ago)

IKEA isn't foolproof, the futon I got from them was utterly wrong. However there was one important lesson I learned when I was a builder: there are few problems that can't be solved by simply hammering in more nails.

― Matt (Matt), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 22:54 (twenty-two years ago)

I *adore* putting together Ikea things. It makes me feel so *butch*, but in a cute way.

However, once I used an electric screwdriver while putting together a bed, and the parts drew together much faster than I expected, and I pinched one of my fingers, and cried like a baby.

― Layna Andersen (Layna Andersen), Thursday, 23 October 2003 02:30 (twenty-two years ago)

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