if you don't know immediately, is it just not there?

Message Bookmarked

Bookmark Removed

so like if you aren't sure if someone likes you, if you aren't sure if there's a connection, are the chances that there isn't one? are you supposed to figure these things out right away?

i expect definitive answers, none of this namby-pamby experience-sharing.

thank you.

― amateurist (amateurist), Saturday, 25 October 2003 20:41 (twenty-two years ago)

yes.

― hstencil, Saturday, 25 October 2003 20:42 (twenty-two years ago)

damn.

THIS THREAD LOCKED BY ADMINISTRATOR

― amateurist (amateurist), Saturday, 25 October 2003 20:43 (twenty-two years ago)

Sorry bro.

― hstencil, Saturday, 25 October 2003 20:43 (twenty-two years ago)

you need a fancier scarf

― oops (Oops), Saturday, 25 October 2003 20:44 (twenty-two years ago)

I feel your pain and confusion amt.

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Saturday, 25 October 2003 20:45 (twenty-two years ago)

Julio don't be so namby-pamby!

― hstencil, Saturday, 25 October 2003 20:46 (twenty-two years ago)

I listen to lots of shronk, improvisation and serialism but I'm just a pussy really.

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Saturday, 25 October 2003 20:48 (twenty-two years ago)

no it dont necessarily mean jack shit iffa you dont know immediately sometimes you gotta be brave and just axe

― hellbaby (hellbaby), Saturday, 25 October 2003 20:50 (twenty-two years ago)

Amateurist, haven't there been ppl YOU've changed yr mind abt - y'know - "oh god I find this person irritating oh hold on I really fancy them now" etc?

― Andrew L (Andrew L), Saturday, 25 October 2003 20:51 (twenty-two years ago)

i know i'm liked i just don't know if i'm *liked*.

― amateurist (amateurist), Saturday, 25 October 2003 20:53 (twenty-two years ago)

that didn't answer your question.

i'm not sure.

― amateurist (amateurist), Saturday, 25 October 2003 20:53 (twenty-two years ago)

WHERE IS MY FAIRY TALE?

― amateurist (amateurist), Saturday, 25 October 2003 20:55 (twenty-two years ago)

I suppose it also depends on how you're defining 'immediately' here (within the first 10 minutes?)

― Andrew L (Andrew L), Saturday, 25 October 2003 20:56 (twenty-two years ago)

so like if you aren't sure if someone likes you, if you aren't sure if there's a connection, are the chances that there isn't one? are you supposed to figure these things out right away?

i expect definitive answers, none of this namby-pamby experience-sharing.

I know this won't sound definitive, but I can't help that: it depends on how good you are at knowing when someone's interested in you! I mean, if it's someone who knows you're interested, and you aren't sure if they are -- yeah, it's probably because they aren't. If it's someone you're interested in, and in the past you've been good at reading people, but this time you're just not sure ... yeah, they probably aren't.

Nearly everyone's had one of those "what, you were interested in me back then?" moments, haven't they? I think we had a thread either about that or that veered into it.

So ask. If it isn't your boss, your mom, your co-worker, your best friend, or some immediate tangent from that circle, there's not much harm can come from asking.

― Tep (ktepi), Saturday, 25 October 2003 20:59 (twenty-two years ago)

yes, it's quite possible that you're picking up on the other person's indifferent vibes. however, this kind of neurotic guessing game often ties into self-esteem and confidence and all of that other crap. if it's someone that i actually like and respect (as opposed to someone for mindless smooching in bar bathrooms), then he basically has to skywrite or something before i believe it.

― lauren (laurenp), Saturday, 25 October 2003 21:01 (twenty-two years ago)

one problem is that i can't actually bring myself to believe for more than fleeting moments that anyone would actually be interested in me.

another problem is that no one is ever actually interested in me.

(x-post)

― amateurist (amateurist), Saturday, 25 October 2003 21:03 (twenty-two years ago)

wait... no harm from asking?

i'm friends with this person, i enjoy her company enormously, i'm in a strange city without many people to hang out with.... the stakes seem rather higher than this.

― amateurist (amateurist), Saturday, 25 October 2003 21:03 (twenty-two years ago)

sorry for making this yet another monologue.

― amateurist (amateurist), Saturday, 25 October 2003 21:04 (twenty-two years ago)

well it either bothers you enough to want to take the risk of weirding-up the relationship or it doesn't. Since you started a thread on it, I'm guessing it does.

― oops (Oops), Saturday, 25 October 2003 21:06 (twenty-two years ago)

no, you've misjudged me. i'll probably go on in ignorance for several years.

(not being sarcastic.)

― amateurist (amateurist), Saturday, 25 October 2003 21:07 (twenty-two years ago)

there is some harm in asking, just as there is some harm in remaining quiet about it. but it seems that for most people, the looming spectre of humiliation outweighs the possibility of missing out on romance.

― lauren (laurenp), Saturday, 25 October 2003 21:07 (twenty-two years ago)

i wish i was a valentino-esque character who could simply go in for a smooch and make it all work out.

― amateurist (amateurist), Saturday, 25 October 2003 21:08 (twenty-two years ago)

It depends on how you ask, and I just checked the Danzameter and it says I'm two generaliztions away from a Tony-Danza-storming-the-radio-station-to-beat-the-crap-out-of-Wallace-Shawn situation, but most people don't seem bothered by people being interested in them as long as they're cool with that interested not being reciprocrated[*]. [**]

[*] Most of the definite exceptions to this are the types of situations where you wouldn't have to tell her you're interested.

[**] I also tend to look at "harm" in terms of "how's this gonna affect me two years from now?" Any misstep in almost any social situation can result in a hostile night, a crappy weekend, or an awkward month, but two years later, it usually only matters if you let it.

― Tep (ktepi), Saturday, 25 October 2003 21:08 (twenty-two years ago)

"with that interest not being reciprocrated," not "with that interested," etc.

― Tep (ktepi), Saturday, 25 October 2003 21:09 (twenty-two years ago)

ok speaking of this...

what i really mean to ask on this thread...

are there little physical gestures that i should be picking up (or not picking up) on? if she "likes" me, should i have already noticed a quiet brush of the hand or her walking one inch closer than is customary? etc.

i'm famously oblivious to such things. i don't notice when people are flirting with me, and i think people are flirting with me when they're not.

― amateurist (amateurist), Saturday, 25 October 2003 21:10 (twenty-two years ago)

in that case, send flowers, the invitation in the card being to dinner.
her reaction will tell you if the feeling is mutual.

― Orbit (Orbit), Saturday, 25 October 2003 21:12 (twenty-two years ago)

Or to put it another way and be way too glib in the process: I'll bet we've had a number of "the one that got away; what's your biggest regret/missed opportunity" threads. I doubt we've had many, if any, "thank God, that time I avoided embarrassment by the skin of my teeth!" threads.

xpost; I haven't noticed any useful clues for that, not stuff that's reasonably universal. There probably are some, I just don't know em.

― Tep (ktepi), Saturday, 25 October 2003 21:12 (twenty-two years ago)

i always avoid embarrassment by never saying anything ever. the unusual side effect is celibacy.

― amateurist (amateurist), Saturday, 25 October 2003 21:13 (twenty-two years ago)

How old are you, 24?

― N. (nickdastoor), Saturday, 25 October 2003 21:15 (twenty-two years ago)

now, regarding this valentino-going-in-for-the-kill business. at the risk of sounding like a lunatic i think it's better to try to kiss someone (respectfully!) or do something likewise affectionate rather than come out with the "so, i really like you" speech. i have never had success with the latter (turns things too intellectual), but gotten good results from the former.

― lauren (laurenp), Saturday, 25 October 2003 21:15 (twenty-two years ago)

my fantasy is that we'll be laughing at some joke and i'll be all "ha ha ha ha i'm totally in love with you ha ha ha ha ha"

but yeah i think like touching her hand or something would be better. but her pulling hers away--that's an image that makes me want to crawl into the woodwork.

― amateurist (amateurist), Saturday, 25 October 2003 21:16 (twenty-two years ago)

a little bit older than that nick.

― amateurist (amateurist), Saturday, 25 October 2003 21:17 (twenty-two years ago)

no, her slapping you is an image that should make you want to crawl into the woodwork!

― lauren (laurenp), Saturday, 25 October 2003 21:18 (twenty-two years ago)

see, always try to see the funny side of things!

― lauren (laurenp), Saturday, 25 October 2003 21:19 (twenty-two years ago)

once when i liked a girl but didn't have the nerve to say it she just up and kissed me. what can't THAT happen more often?

(sorry again for being completely self-involved. i'm merely filling my yearly ILX self-involvement quota.)

― amateurist (amateurist), Saturday, 25 October 2003 21:20 (twenty-two years ago)

Yes, touching her (in a non-sexual spot obv) seems like a good way to gauge her feelings for you. Go for a drink or three---have enough to where you could blame a hand or *gasp* leg touch on the alcohol but not enough to make you completely sloppy.

― oops (Oops), Saturday, 25 October 2003 21:22 (twenty-two years ago)

I think one of the most unfair disadvantages of a fear of rejection is that it often leads to rejection, either directly (people are attracted to confidence; the people who are attracted to a lack of it are generally ... not good catches, to be kind) or indirectly (you finally screw up your courage, squinch your eyes shut, and plant a kiss on the lamp, searing off a layer of skin on your lips; while you're getting a lip transplant she meets someone else).

I don't have a good remedy for it, but I do encourage you to do what you can to get around it.

― Tep (ktepi), Saturday, 25 October 2003 21:24 (twenty-two years ago)

touching her hand isnt too scary is it? if shes not into it and she is a nice person ... and i guess she must be nice if you like her... then she will just gently remove her hand or start talking about something else and then you will know! she might really like you too but not wanna blow yr frienship by starting stuff in case its not reciprocated. apparently mirroring ie copying yr body gestures is a sure fire sign of attraction.

― hellbaby (hellbaby), Saturday, 25 October 2003 21:24 (twenty-two years ago)

hm that's a good point tep.

hm the mirroring thing is interesting, please elaborate.

― amateurist (amateurist), Saturday, 25 October 2003 21:25 (twenty-two years ago)

ok so say you are sitting down somewhere together and you cross yr legs and put yr hand under yr chin (for example) and then she does those things too then thats mirroring .

― hellbaby (hellbaby), Saturday, 25 October 2003 21:26 (twenty-two years ago)

hahaha that's great, that explains half of *my* behavior tonight, now i have to pay closer attention to hers.

― amateurist (amateurist), Saturday, 25 October 2003 21:28 (twenty-two years ago)

Make sure she is neither a mime nor a synchronized swimmer!

Actually, I think hellbaby's onto something.

― Tep (ktepi), Saturday, 25 October 2003 21:28 (twenty-two years ago)

tep totally otm about fear of rejection -> rejection.

― lauren (laurenp), Saturday, 25 October 2003 21:31 (twenty-two years ago)

lauren totally otm. you should consider that the extent to which this person is already or is going to be interested in you is correlated to the way you act about their interest in you. you have some agency. the vast majority of people (not all; it depends on the type) are going to be more likely to be interested in you the more confident (not arrogant, necessarily, or even aggressive) you are about your likability to them (not the same as the likelihood that they will like you). so if you're going to do something, don't be half-assed about it, but you also can't be heedlessly presumptuous. of course, some of your likability vis-a-vis a given person (or vis-a-vis most people) is physical and can't change much on your end and is unlikely to be changed on theirs. that should be relevant, but ignored to the extent to which it is not determinative. [my advice on any of this stuff, of course, should come with like the great salt lake]

once when i liked a girl but didn't have the nerve to say it she just up and kissed me

last girl that did that to me i ended up having to pretty much carry home (and she isn't much smaller than me) where she threw up all over my bathroom. not sure it's worth it. (but she knew i liked her anyway, so irrelevant but i wanted to tell the story)

― gabbneb (gabbneb), Saturday, 25 October 2003 21:32 (twenty-two years ago)

(also, do as i say not as i do)

― gabbneb (gabbneb), Saturday, 25 October 2003 21:33 (twenty-two years ago)

yeah but thats also that thing about how we actually make our own reality if you think about rejection thats what may happen
iffa you think about acceptance and hot sex then thats what may happen...

― hellbaby (hellbaby), Saturday, 25 October 2003 21:35 (twenty-two years ago)

i find that her company gives me a certain kind of confidence, which is one reason why i like her. for one thing i don't feel the need to talk as much as i usually do around her. she's really intellectually confident and likes to talk about what she's interested in and i like to listen.

so sometimes i think if you really like someone they give you the confidence to admit it one way or another.

i know that is total bullshit though.

― amateurist (amateurist), Saturday, 25 October 2003 21:36 (twenty-two years ago)

perhaps im being presumptous maybe acceptance and hot sex isnt what yr wanting with yr friend

― hellbaby (hellbaby), Saturday, 25 October 2003 21:36 (twenty-two years ago)

hot sex and hot toddies, mmm.

― lauren (laurenp), Saturday, 25 October 2003 21:37 (twenty-two years ago)

Skipping 124 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

oh and also she thinks i can play with the academics though i'm not an academic, but that is a mixed compliment at best.

― amateurist (amateurist), Thursday, 30 October 2003 19:01 (twenty-two years ago)

How? I've seen you wax lyrical on many posts---while saying on topic. That's harder than it looks, dude. (And yup, I know tis harder to communicate in real life, than in cyberspace. I only mean those deep thoughts have to come from within, to begin with.)

Even if tis a 'mixed compliment', that doesn't make you any worse a human than the rest of us

― Nichole Graham (Nichole Graham), Thursday, 30 October 2003 19:06 (twenty-two years ago)

Party girl: you came home drunk and you had met the perfect (French?) girl but she was so out of your league. Really, Amst. it's not important.

― Mary (Mary), Thursday, 30 October 2003 19:57 (twenty-two years ago)

wait... i just noticed something: "erstwhile dictator of her smallish home country." no wonder you're madly infatuated with her. this sounds like something from the 40s! are you going to get drawn into some resistance plot that culminates in a chase on a luxury train? if so, please send postcards. i could use that kind of vicarious excitement.

― lauren (laurenp), Thursday, 30 October 2003 22:03 (twenty-two years ago)

wow, I just up and missed this whole thread

amateurist, you are great.

― s1utsky (slutsky), Friday, 31 October 2003 06:39 (twenty-two years ago)

no, lauren, erstwhile--no global political intrigue for me, thanks.

thanks nichole and s1utsky for the compliments.

mary: oh yeah, i had forgotten about that. most of these things are just larks, i hope my tone of writing doesn't make it sound like i'm ready to slit my wrists or something.

― amateurist (amateurist), Friday, 31 October 2003 10:44 (twenty-two years ago)

postcard: "hi lauren. here's me hopping from one coach to another in pursuit of dr. heinenglobben, whose henchmen i dispatched six rows back. through the windows you can see the dolomite mountains--aren't they lovely? oh, i hear the crackle of lit dynamite, i'll write again soon! xxoo, amateurist"

― amateurist (amateurist), Friday, 31 October 2003 10:55 (twenty-two years ago)

perfect!

― lauren (laurenp), Friday, 31 October 2003 17:46 (twenty-two years ago)

lauren you are really nice.

― amateur!st (amateurist), Saturday, 1 November 2003 18:01 (twenty-two years ago)

i'm going to die alone

― David. (Cozen), Sunday, 2 November 2003 02:44 (twenty-two years ago)

just to clear one thing up: I do follow my own interests. And this is all i can do. I wouldn't know where to begin in faking an interest.

The 'problem' is that the interests i follow seem to be 'minority' ones.

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Sunday, 2 November 2003 11:19 (twenty-two years ago)

The answer is no. However, if you don't know (rather than knowing the negative) the answer is no.

― Johnney B (Johnney B), Sunday, 2 November 2003 11:27 (twenty-two years ago)

i promise you

― David. (Cozen), Sunday, 2 November 2003 11:43 (twenty-two years ago)

i'm nice until the whiskey begins to talk, then look out world!

― lauren (laurenp), Sunday, 2 November 2003 16:15 (twenty-two years ago)

nice people who live a distinctly pleasant but not notably powerful impression but make you feel comfortable and relatively unneurotic VS. awesomely impressive people who leave you a ball of nerves

― amateur!st (amateurist), Friday, 7 November 2003 10:10 (twenty-two years ago)

who LEAVE a distinctly...

(sorry)

― amateur!st (amateurist), Friday, 7 November 2003 10:10 (twenty-two years ago)

TS: the previous conception of things VS. "dating up or down"

― amateur!st (amateurist), Friday, 7 November 2003 10:11 (twenty-two years ago)

never mind that actually it makes no sense

― amateur!st (amateurist), Friday, 7 November 2003 10:11 (twenty-two years ago)

i mean what if after a date you're not completing buzzing with excitement and anticipation, but you're content and optimistic. is that good?

― amateur!st (amateurist), Friday, 7 November 2003 12:00 (twenty-two years ago)

yes. (oh god i read 'excitement' as 'excrement'. time for bed)

― oops (Oops), Friday, 7 November 2003 12:03 (twenty-two years ago)

of course it is. is this another girl?

― brutal (Cozen), Friday, 7 November 2003 12:03 (twenty-two years ago)

feeling content and optimistic is good. how often do you get to feel that way? sometimes it's nice not to have that constant pull on your stomach that's keeps you from eating and keeps you chain-smoking. still, i suppose we're all trained to want the fireworks, aren't we?

― lauren (laurenp), Friday, 7 November 2003 14:14 (twenty-two years ago)

i'm sabotaging my own posts with typos, sorry.

yeah i mean i had a very milquetoast sort of date, it was perfectly pleasant and relaxed but it didn't have that tang of the awkward i've grown used to. i guess that's good....

― amateur!st (amateurist), Friday, 7 November 2003 15:16 (twenty-two years ago)

yeah different girl yay me

― amateur!st (amateurist), Friday, 7 November 2003 15:17 (twenty-two years ago)

i'm actually a bit indifferent but horny if i may say so

― amateur!st (amateurist), Friday, 7 November 2003 17:54 (twenty-two years ago)

aw man i'm bummed

― amateur!st (amateurist), Sunday, 16 November 2003 22:02 (twenty-two years ago)

what?

― gaz (gaz), Sunday, 16 November 2003 22:16 (twenty-two years ago)

who why where how when

― amateur!st (amateurist), Sunday, 16 November 2003 22:48 (twenty-two years ago)

wot? wah?

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Sunday, 16 November 2003 23:49 (twenty-two years ago)

What's your "top line" amateurist? (the thing you lead your story off with; it has to be simple, include the main thrust of the information, have no commas (hopefully) and be in the active voice)

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Sunday, 16 November 2003 23:53 (twenty-two years ago)

ah yes well actually what was happening was i hadn't slept or had a proper meal in like 30 hours so i was a bundle of nerves, but actually nothing was wrong really. funny how that happens. i'm fine now. sorry for the false alarm.

― amateur!st (amateurist), Monday, 17 November 2003 14:37 (twenty-two years ago)

dude!

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Monday, 17 November 2003 17:12 (twenty-two years ago)

what!

― amateur!st (amateurist), Monday, 17 November 2003 17:46 (twenty-two years ago)

Sometimes I think Tracer should have his own advice column.

― El Diablo Robotico (Nicole), Monday, 17 November 2003 17:48 (twenty-two years ago)

This isn't it?!

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Monday, 17 November 2003 18:01 (twenty-two years ago)

this is my column where i ask different people for advice

its a new concept in journalism

― amateur!st (amateurist), Monday, 17 November 2003 18:01 (twenty-two years ago)

three weeks pass...

i owe mary and other people--but especially mary--an apology because i think she was right, i know she was right rather, i was putting girl on a pedestal. sorry mary.

― amateur!st (amateurist), Monday, 8 December 2003 08:09 (twenty-two years ago)

two months pass...

god my crushes are epic/turgid

― amateur!st (amateurist), Monday, 1 March 2004 19:15 (twenty-two years ago)

getting drunk with crush is u&k

― amateur!st (amateurist), Monday, 1 March 2004 19:16 (twenty-two years ago)

but anyway i'm meeting some people to go to some bar where some guy is going to show his full body tatoo or something, it sounds awful but my friend told me this cute girl i met at her party will be there

― amateur!st (amateurist), Monday, 1 March 2004 19:18 (twenty-two years ago)

please write a comic strip about the experience.

― s1ocki (slutsky), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 06:07 (twenty-two years ago)

oh it was so boring, i almost fell asleep

― amateur!st (amateurist), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 09:25 (twenty-two years ago)

did you see the tattoo? what was it of?

― s1ocki (slutsky), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 17:26 (twenty-two years ago)

the pompidou centre?

― s1ocki (slutsky), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 17:26 (twenty-two years ago)

no it was very tod browning's freaks sort of stuff

i dozed off during the guy's monologue

― amateur!st (amateurist), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 21:58 (twenty-two years ago)

was it a story about all the characters tattooed on his torso?

― s1ocki (slutsky), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 23:43 (twenty-two years ago)

what was the outcome here mr amateurist?

did it go all 'amelie' or what?

― piscesboy, Tuesday, 9 March 2004 15:26 (twenty-two years ago)

no it went all 'why do i have this stupid crush on someone i don't always even like very much' and all 'i'm such a dolt' and all mundane and stuff. i think the worst is over, i've seen the light, etc.

― amateur!st (amateurist), Tuesday, 9 March 2004 19:14 (twenty-two years ago)

three weeks pass...

now it's in 'happy to be friends with her' gear, which is a nice consolation prize

i'm a lot more comfortable around her when i am drunk, i should be drunk more often

― amateur!st (amateurist), Saturday, 3 April 2004 20:37 (twenty-one years ago)

six years pass...

it's to the point where i forget who i was even talking about on all these crush threads.

water under the bridge and stuff or just dying brain cells.

― by another name (amateurist), Friday, 23 July 2010 02:24 (fifteen years ago)

You must be logged in to post. Please either login here, or if you are not registered, you may register here.