ATP/WTA tour, 2003 season climax

Unless all the people likely to pop up on a thread like this (Fred Nerk, etc) are TMFDers I don't think it's worth it. It may not be worth it anyway but at least here the goofy one-liner may reign supreme.

Blakey's out in Paris! Bus boy overwhelmed by the Shuttle!

Houston hootenanny a lot clearer now after Brave Tim avenged his Wimb qf defeat by edging out Grosjean (nummer nine) 7-5 in the 3rd and Gustavo pulled the blinds on Big Phil (nummer ten), saving five match points en route to a maximal 6-7 7-6 7-6 VFM hairsbreadth corker.

So Bandy, even though he's up to his elbow in an ice pack with concerned chums fluttering around, is definitely into the year-end rave-up *unless* Paradigm Shishkebab wins the whole Paris tournament. MyThai only needs to beat Arazi for a place in the quarters today to be sure of #9 in the race and the alternate spot.

Dunno whassappenin' in Philly.

The top eight men in the world rankings qualify for the $3m year-end championships in Houston (back in the 70s and 80s this was called the Masters, and was played at various venues [and in various formats] until settling in Madison Square Garden for several years; with the ATP taking out the running of the tour in 1990 it became the ATP Singles Championship and based in Hanover - it's become a peripatetic event again in recent years and the Masters monicker has been revived). It's played in a round robin format - two groups of four - with semis and a final. Last year Hewitt beat Ferrero in a five-set final to cement his position as world number one. How long ago that seems.

The top sixteen women compete in a straight knockout event in the Bank of America tour championships in LA; this used to be the Virginia Slims year-end event and was notable for featuring the only best-of-five final on the women's tour.

Paradorn S can beat Nalbandian for the last spot in Houston if he wins in Paris this week; Ferrero, Roddick, Federer, Coria, Agassi, Schuettler and Moya are already there. Grosjean and Philippousis had a chance pre-Paris but not now.

(thanks Mike - I do like your style really but sometimes it's a bit hard to figure out, and I feel dumb.)

When the move was made from NYC to Hanover in '90, the doubles element was ditched (they had their own event) and the matches were played on a really odd looking blue carpet court WITH NO TRAMLINES. I think the old WTC championships in Dallas also had a singles-only court (where McEnroe famously won his match-point vs Lendl in the '83 final by playing the ball through a gap between the net-post and the net which should not have been there. Once you scrub out the tramlines, everything goes to shit.)

Sorry Mike, but at this time of the year I can't hope to bluff my way through a tennis thread, not even as half-convincingly as I can while the GS's are on, although the Sammy Jr Final will see me renew acquaintances with Lleyt the Llout, the Big Ouzo and their supporting cast a couple of months earlier than usual this summer.

(Eurosport-watching ILXers welcome to up the ante with comments based on actual visual evidence).

Come on, Roger!

Coria's illness leaves the dash for year-end #1 open to only the three heavyweights above him; I don't know how far Roddick has to get this week to push Roger out of the picture.

Today's first qf: a surprise win for Pavel over the Eurostar. Novak-Arazi and Bjorkman-Roddick to follow.

Roddick is the 4th youngest man to reach #1, by the way - 13 days younger than Borg was in Aug '77. He can't stay there, can he? Genius must prevail, etc.

Meanwhile, in Philly, Rubin, Petrova, Myskina and Sugiyama all remain in the hunt for an LA spot. The women call it the Porsche Race. I don't think that's very responsible; it's like calling it the Bud Chug or the Big Mac Binge.

This is a rare old week for Henman - Grosjean, Kuerten, Federer and now Roddick: 7-6 7-6. It would be somehow typical of the fella to flop in the final vs Jiri Novak when he's just beaten a personal nemesis, a former #1, a future #1 and the current #1 in the space of four days. If the Aussie Open was next week TH would be a favourite. But it's not.

Pierce and Sharapova are heading for a final meeting in Quebec (a tournament I forgot was even happening), while Amelie, Ai, Anastasia and (n)Adia make up the semis in Philly.

Bizarro result of the day: Mary Pierce slumping four'n'oh to Milagros Sequera in the Quebec City semi (Sharapova through in the other) - the famously useless WTATour website yields no extra info on her strange demise.

In other news, Sharapova and Mauresmo wrap up the WTA tour with title wins and so on to LA, where the elite field comprises... oh, I can't be bothered.

The WTA jamboree is actually an eight-player round-robin this year, like the ATP Masters Cup:

Red Brigade Group - Clidge, LeMesmer, Iris DeMent, Rick Rubin.
Black Panthers Group - Jus' Tiny, Ford Capriati, Mystikal, AI.

No Willies, through injury and whatnot.

For those interested, Rog can only finish #1 this year if he wins next week in Houston and JuanC fails to win more than one group match and Anita loses all hers. Worth a flutter.

First oop:

Brace yourself, Rodders vs Mrs Bean
Goatgirl vs Haley Joel Osment
Cloisters vs Mad Elena

A feast of ladyplay between now and Monday at the Neville Staples Centre in the city of (Deft) Angles.

Kim 6-2 6-2 Elena
Chanda 4-6 6-4 6-2 Mauresmo
Capriati 7-5 7-6 Sugiyama

Meanwhile, the draw in Houston has basically gifted the year-end #1 spot to Roddick:

Helen Reddy: Rodds, Baby Vilas, Eyes Wide Schuett, Francisco
Richie Blackmore: Jaycee, The Ags, Danger, Jolly

The men start gorging on their own fabulousness from Saturday.

Ruby gets semi-Kimmed four'n'four, so Tha Clish is into the last four.

To the strains of Oxygene (part four) Amelie shrouds Mento in intoxicating clouds of her own confusion (6-3 6-2).

In the match of the evening, Just Fontaine flops 0-5 at the start to Fantasia, before reeling off seven games to take the first set (didn't Wally Masur once do that in the 5th set of a match at the US Open?); Double Aitch gets treatment for "flu-like symptoms" as Mysty bounces back... eventually it's Henin 7-5 5-7 7-5. Hot damn!

JenJen vs Suggs was supposed to be yesterday too, but Godnose what happened there.

First up - HENIN IS QUEEN. She finishes the year as #1 on account of guaranteeing herself a SF place with a 6-2 6-1 annihilation of Jenny. Less good was the exit of Rubilino - up 6-4 5-2 vs Dement she contrived to lose a million games in a row and allow Mesmo through (her earlier defeat to Kimbo irrelevant). Also calimitous: Mysk's defeat to Cappa.

Calcium's hard-fought win over Manganese (up 5-1 in the 3rd, JC eventually prevailed 6-4) was followed by a bizarre reverse for Helium, as Silicon nailed her two and four. However JHH knew even a straight sets defeat would mean top spot in the group and avoidance of Chlorine in the semis.

So, the Hen will play Molybdenum and the green, choking sunshine band will envelop Jesse. Rubidium, AM, ED and AS (all valid in Scrabble) go home in a big bus.

The men's Masters Cup is underway, but just the doubles for the first couple of days - Bjork and Woodie surprise losers, the Bryans downing Damm and Suk (who need no embellishment).

Aiiiii finishes the year in the top ten, bumping Venus down to 11...

If Dickhead doesn't manage to get the year end number one ranking with this fix of a draw/surface and crowd support... I will laugh forever.

Meanwhile, in Houston, foax are complaining that the court is sloping and has bumps in it. At least it isn't waterlogged or oil-slicked like New York. What next, floodlight failure when Roddick's a set and a double-break down to Coria?

The Eurosport adverts for Houston are really, really good. I don't think they even had adverts for LA.

Sad to see HeHa go down, but I don't think she's been quite herself this week. Funny that Mezza was literally packing her bags in her hotel room two days ago as Ruboto stood two points from victory vs El and now she's in the final. It's Kim again though, isn't it? She's like Lendl at the Masters - eventually she'll win a major too.

Without access to Eurosport or the internet... you'd be forgiven for thinking that tennis DIDN'T EXIST.

Rub In's choke against Elena Demented was quite spectacular. It's like a kid's party, everyone won a match and no one left empty-handed. Rubin and Myskina have got to be gutted though - should've been both of them in the semis.

Meanwhile, Houston is underway with Bandy at his best - walloping Ferrero three and one - and Federer saving two match points en route to squeezing out Agassi 7-6 in the third. With Bandy's record vs Rog he might even win the group: hence two GS winners out before the semis. Today: Coria-Schuey at 7pm GMT, Moya-Roddick at 1am GMT.

Feel free to talk about Becker's Booze'n'Pills Hell here.

(* - apologies to any genuine insomniacs, except D*vid B*ddi*l).

Anyways, Rodders is King Dick after Feds walloped Bandy (whose wrists still ache, but surely not by three and love) and Uncle Andre edged Gerry 2-6 6-3 6-4. Friday sees an effective quarterfinal between AA and Nigel Le Valliant.

Few and far between are the men who've won this tournament with a 100% record (in its round-robin years, anyway) - only Hewitt and Stich since the days of Ivan the Invincible. I reckon Roger might be joining that elite this week.

Rodz got a lovely bit of glass for being top dude from Dubya's dad and then plunged down the Schute - Rainy nicking it in a third set breaker; later Coria blitzed Moya three and two to set up another sudden-death scenario between G'mo and Andy tomorrow.

Match of the day was between Andre Ag(e Concern)assi and David N(ot to be underestimated)albandian - their first meeting and a birruvaclassik. Namby held five set points in the opener, eventually letting it slip 12-10 in the breaker, getting all stroppy with pro-US linecalls in the process. He takes the second 6-3, breaks Agatha at 3-5 in the third, only to be broken again for AA to become the oldest Masters semifinalist since another AA (The Estimable Mr Ashe) in '78.

(Ashe went on to the final were he held match points vs Young Upstart JPMcE).

Schuey, therefore, plays Ags in the other semi. It all starts 7pm GMT/2pm EST/1pm local. Are you all excited?

Duh, it's all on the masters-cup website:

If two or more players are tied after the round robin matches, the ties will be broken as follows:1. Winner of match between the two players tied; 2. Player with the highest percentage of sets won; 3. Player with the highest percentage of games won.

I also didn't realise, or had forgotten, this:

The top seven finishers in the ATP Champions Race 2003 will qualify. The eighth place will go to the highest-placed Grand Slam winner who finshes outside the top seven but within the top 20.

Hence Goran's participation in 2001. No need for that this year.

I'm going to lay some vinyl floor tiles now. Would anyone like to help me?

Ags won eight games on the bounce after Schuey nicked the first set, Ralf briefly caught his breath and his opponent, but Dr Dre forced another break and served out to deuce: 5-7 6-0 6-4.

Flawless Feddy dished out another suave schoolbully beating to Rodney from the Lower Third - similar pattern to their Wimb sf: tight first set, overwhelming thereafter, AR belting down 70-odd percent first serves but they all come back and he doesn't have a single break point against Rodge: 7-6 (7-2) 6-2.

We've got about 60 tiles down out of 130. You wouldn't believe how disgusting it was behind the tumble dryer.

Kitchen floor looks nice.

See you in Melbourne.