This is the thread where we come up with a good argument for my dad to get a robotic arm.

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OK for those of you don't know this story, about three months ago or so, my dad completely jacked up his shoulder and collarbone. He was in his karate or akido class, one of 'em, and decided a good idea would be to try to tumble jump over four kneeling fellow students. Who were kneeling in front of a cement stairwell. Keep in mind that my dad is a 50 year old man, also. As you can probably guess, this stunt ended with my dad in the hospital with a broken collarbone and a completely separated shoulder. Months later, the bones are still not coming together because of the extent of ligament and muscle damage he sustained. He is going to have to go into surgery to possibly have his bones fused together--though the doctors worry that this doesn't address the muscular problem (uh, duh?)--or to have something that resembles an accordian be sewn into his bone and muscle structure to replace everything. I think that these options are FOR SHIT and that instead amputation and replacement with a robotic limb is urgent and key. My mom disagrees.

So everyone come up with excellent arguments for and against each option and I will email this to my mom and prove to her that a bionic dad is the way to go.

Thanks in advance for your assistance in my quest for a fully robotic family.

― Allyzay, Thursday, 30 October 2003 19:14 (twenty-two years ago)

Because Stelarc said so.

http://www.stelarc.va.com.au/

― Dean Gulberry (deangulberry), Thursday, 30 October 2003 19:17 (twenty-two years ago)

2. You'll make the Steve Austin noises with one.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 30 October 2003 19:17 (twenty-two years ago)

(And far more seriously, hope whatever ends up happening works for him, that sounds awful.)

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 30 October 2003 19:17 (twenty-two years ago)

3. It's a frigging robotic arm!

― (think about it...) (Dan Perry), Thursday, 30 October 2003 19:20 (twenty-two years ago)

All kidding aside, Ally, that's wretched. I'll keep my fingers crossed that he begins to heal soon.

And now, since you asked for it:

4) He too can lift a 10 tonne lorry while holding a pint in the other hand.

― Nichole Graham (Nichole Graham), Thursday, 30 October 2003 19:21 (twenty-two years ago)

"Why open this jar of jelly when I can just crush it and eat the pieces?"

next week: Ally's dad - the man with the bionic stomach!

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Thursday, 30 October 2003 19:22 (twenty-two years ago)

Mom: I don't think he needs a robotic arm, jackass.
Me: Yeah, he needs a robotic FACE!
Mom: That insult makes no sense, you have the exact same face as him.
Me: I want a robotic face.
Mom: Idiot.

xpost my dad doesn't drink! Which is a good thing since he comes up with stunts like this stone sober.

― Allyzay, Thursday, 30 October 2003 19:22 (twenty-two years ago)

Business men still respect a firm handshake. Imagine the look in their eyes as you sever their hand! And you can keep the rings!

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Thursday, 30 October 2003 19:23 (twenty-two years ago)

http://www.gasolinealleyantiques.com/images/Premiums/chex-robot-handout.JPG

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Thursday, 30 October 2003 19:24 (twenty-two years ago)

http://www.altotelevision.com/s/six-million-dollar-man/t-000383-im-008035.jpg

― Elvis Telecom (Chris Barrus), Thursday, 30 October 2003 19:26 (twenty-two years ago)

(More on the not drinking thing: he also didn't help his healing-the-shoulder case much when he decided the day after his birthday to put a CANOE in our SWIMMING POOL and try to boat around in it. It wasn't exactly steady what with him having never BEEN in a canoe before and he fell out and knocked himself up on the cement deck. I'd hate to see what he'd come up with after a couple black russians)

(despite watching my dad injure himself, my mom promptly righted the canoe, laughed at my dad, and climbed in herself, and sat in it nicely, apparently.)

(wtf does someone need a canoe, or karate for that matter, in Arizona for anyway)

― Allyzay, Thursday, 30 October 2003 19:27 (twenty-two years ago)

xpost my dad doesn't drink! Which is a good thing since he comes up with stunts like this stone sober.

That makes the stunt even scarier. Sorry, but wouldn't the thought occur to him that leaping over 4 people might be um, silly? And he can't even blame that last hangover!

― Nichole Graham (Nichole Graham), Thursday, 30 October 2003 19:29 (twenty-two years ago)

despite watching my dad injure himself, my mom promptly righted the canoe, laughed at my dad, and climbed in herself, and sat in it nicely, apparently.)

Clearly, your folks have to come to one of our FAPs, and show us whippersnappers how tis really done.

― Nichole Graham (Nichole Graham), Thursday, 30 October 2003 19:33 (twenty-two years ago)

would it be wrong to bring, um, self pleasure into this thread?

― not dan surprisingly (lawrence kansas), Thursday, 30 October 2003 19:35 (twenty-two years ago)

Yeah in no way would that be the worst thing to ever happen in history!! GOD my dad with the bear what a horrifying image.

― Allyzay, Thursday, 30 October 2003 19:36 (twenty-two years ago)

YES IT WOULD BE WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

― Allyzay, Thursday, 30 October 2003 19:36 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm always in favor of a robotic arm, obviously.

― Nicolars (Nicole), Thursday, 30 October 2003 19:42 (twenty-two years ago)

I think of a robotic arm, your dad should get a big elastic arm, like a Stretch Armstrong arm, and then he could tie his own arm to a tree or streetlight or something and bad guys escaping from crimes would run into his outstretched arm and BOUNCE! back into the policemen's possession, and your dad would be a hero. Or he could just twirl his arm above his head like a lasso and then shoot it out and it would just SSTTTRREEEEETTTTCCCCCHHHHH out and hit somebody on the back of the head, and they would turn around with a bewildered look on their face, like WHA' HAPPENED? and everyone would have a jolly laugh.

― NA (Nick A.), Thursday, 30 October 2003 19:50 (twenty-two years ago)

It would be Jude Lawriffic! I don't understand the opposition to this that I am facing, I was like did you TELL him about the robotic arm? When I said it could shoot lazers she seemed a bit more lenient towards the robotic arm but still, why is this so difficult? It seems pretty fucking obvious that adding a robotic arm to your life can only improve it.

xpost omg I didn't think of that NA I KISS YOU!!!!!!!!!!

― Allyzay, Thursday, 30 October 2003 19:50 (twenty-two years ago)

How's the maintenance for a robotic arm? I mean, would he have to oil it like the Tin Man? Oil stains are a bitch to get out of clothes. But fucking hell, he'd be the star of every heavy metal concert he goes to. Dude, roll up your sleeve at a Motorhead concert to reveal a ROBOTIC ARM, and you're like, almost as cool as Lemmy. Also, your dad wouldn't need to take any more karate classes. One swift toss of a robotic arm would send anyone down for the count.

― Jeanne Fury (Jeanne Fury), Thursday, 30 October 2003 19:57 (twenty-two years ago)

he tips over in a canoe with a robotic arm it could spell curtains for robo-dad

― lawrence kansas (lawrence kansas), Thursday, 30 October 2003 20:00 (twenty-two years ago)

Jeanne, OTM as I could totally see the chaos once Dad whips out that arm

― Nichole Graham (Nichole Graham), Thursday, 30 October 2003 20:01 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm on your mom's side. Your unquenchable desire to build a race of atomic robo-parents will eventually be your downfall.

― lawrence kansas (lawrence kansas), Thursday, 30 October 2003 20:07 (twenty-two years ago)

don't let him do it. if professional wrestling has taught me anything, he will be looked down upon as a cheater in the karate world if he has a foreign object in his body.

also, the beatings he gives you will be much more difficult to try to sleep through.

― Dean Gulberry (deangulberry), Thursday, 30 October 2003 20:08 (twenty-two years ago)

he will be looked down upon as a cheater in the karate world if he has a foreign object in his body.

!!!

― NA (Nick A.), Thursday, 30 October 2003 20:11 (twenty-two years ago)

I wish my parents looked like this:

http://www.neimanmarcus.com/store/sitelets/christmasbook2003/images/fantasy/F4O2048_mn.jpg

― Nicolars (Nicole), Thursday, 30 October 2003 20:12 (twenty-two years ago)

When he has a wank it would be like someone else doing it. Though watch out he doesn't over calibrate the grasp, or he could end up with a nasty accident.

― Pete (Pete), Thursday, 30 October 2003 20:12 (twenty-two years ago)

Gross! My mom's uncle's penis keeps bleeding, is it because of his secret robotic arm?

― Allyzay, Thursday, 30 October 2003 20:14 (twenty-two years ago)

Dude, I was trying to keep your thread wholesome, but it was to no avail.

― NA (Nick A.), Thursday, 30 October 2003 20:15 (twenty-two years ago)

Um, wow.

― Jeanne Fury (Jeanne Fury), Thursday, 30 October 2003 20:20 (twenty-two years ago)

Pete lowers ILX tone: Yes!

― Nichole Graham (Nichole Graham), Thursday, 30 October 2003 20:21 (twenty-two years ago)

NA, there's just no way around it on this board. These mofos need to get laid BAD.

― Allyzay, Thursday, 30 October 2003 20:22 (twenty-two years ago)

HAHAHa! Dom hasn't seen this yet, obviously.

don't let him do it. if professional wrestling has taught me anything, he will be looked down upon as a cheater in the karate world if he has a foreign object in his body.

http://home.earthlink.net/~bhetzler/bhportrait.jpg

― Kingfish (Kingfish), Thursday, 30 October 2003 20:27 (twenty-two years ago)

My mom has revealed her objection:

"He's just going to want to get a sword or gun attached to it!"

WTF IS WRONG WITH HER, THAT IS BRILL!

― Allyzay, Thursday, 30 October 2003 20:34 (twenty-two years ago)

What did she think of the elastic arm?

― NA (Nick A.), Thursday, 30 October 2003 20:35 (twenty-two years ago)

She thinks he'd accidentally smack himself in the head and injure himself on a snapback if he had an elastic arm.

― Allyzay, Thursday, 30 October 2003 20:36 (twenty-two years ago)

Besides, elastic just doesn't have that cool tech cred all superbeings need.

― Nichole Graham (Nichole Graham), Thursday, 30 October 2003 20:38 (twenty-two years ago)

http://www.director-file.com/cunningham/mean5.jpg

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Thursday, 30 October 2003 20:38 (twenty-two years ago)

Personally, I'd go for the robot arm with changeable attachments. He could wear a utility belt, with like a screwdriver bit, a whisk, a laser pointer, cicular saw, cigarette lighter and etc. Every year buying a Christmas present would be easy, because it'd just be the latest robotic arm attachment. It makes sense.

― jel -- (jel), Thursday, 30 October 2003 20:39 (twenty-two years ago)

Every year buying a Christmas present would be easy, because it'd just be the latest robotic arm attachment. It makes sense.

Cheap, too

― Nichole Graham (Nichole Graham), Thursday, 30 October 2003 20:43 (twenty-two years ago)

bionic elbow (!!!)

― Dean Gulberry (deangulberry), Thursday, 30 October 2003 22:09 (twenty-two years ago)

Ally this is a transparent attempt to vicariously live out some weird cyborg fantasy, obviously.

PS; I hope yr dadd gets better, it's a very weird thign when parents get ill/have accidents/start breaking. My mum cracked her head open when she slipped in the shower the other week, and it scared the shit out of me.

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Thursday, 30 October 2003 22:45 (twenty-two years ago)

literally ... open? did that doctor say that?

― Dean Gulberry (deangulberry), Thursday, 30 October 2003 22:57 (twenty-two years ago)

Well, not quite 'open', but there was a lot of blood and her whole face swelled up and went red and stuff. They literally glued her scalp back down.

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Thursday, 30 October 2003 23:07 (twenty-two years ago)

(gasp) Ouch....

― Nichole Graham (Nichole Graham), Thursday, 30 October 2003 23:10 (twenty-two years ago)

wow. i always wonder about that. it's a very common euphemism. i don't know if it's possible to crack it open. you kind of have to squish it open? then it doesn't matter i guess. dunno. misleading...

― Dean Gulberry (deangulberry), Thursday, 30 October 2003 23:12 (twenty-two years ago)

it will be cool if the robot arm can open everyone's beer and wine bottles, light fags, roll cigarettes, crush garlic, dispense ice, lift cars, be hired by the mafia as a vice for squishing people's heads in, play DVDs...

― stevem (blueski), Thursday, 30 October 2003 23:14 (twenty-two years ago)

I 'cracked' my head open when I was 10 and you could see my skull and stuff.

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Thursday, 30 October 2003 23:16 (twenty-two years ago)

I think most of my problems would be solved if I could just take my brain and put it in a robot body.

― Nicolars (Nicole), Thursday, 30 October 2003 23:20 (twenty-two years ago)

If Ally's dad played poker, he could be like whirwhirwhir "Okay I've dealt". And then people would be picking card out of being imbedded in their hats etc.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Thursday, 30 October 2003 23:20 (twenty-two years ago)

You and me both, Lars. Include a rechargeable battery pack, and I'd be golden.

(xpost)

― Nichole Graham (Nichole Graham), Thursday, 30 October 2003 23:21 (twenty-two years ago)

http://www.behavioral-sciences.org/security/JJ-Arms%20and%20W-Dear.jpg

The gentlman with the hooks is JJ Arms, Private Detective, who has a variety of really cool prosthetic implements that attach, including a real GUN!

― Colin Meeder (Mert), Friday, 31 October 2003 00:29 (twenty-two years ago)

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