Wanted: Advice For Bizarre Dating Scenario #23948723894

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okay, here goes. i met this guy very recently and we hit it off. he's made it clear that he wants to see more of me but now there's one small problem. a couple of weeks ago he met some girl at a dance party, made out with her, and was smitten. he never got her number, though, and although she was on his mind a bit there wasn't anything he could do. the day after he hung out with me, it came to his attention that the girl had placed an ad in the "missed connections" section of the paper.

he wrote in his blog that he was confused, but when he brought it up to me over the phone he was fairly nonchalant, and i didn't know what to say. i'm not looking for some kind of mega-commitment out of him, but i'm really not comfortable being one of two girls. he doesn't seem like the type to do that, but you never know with men. so how in the hell do i express all this to him in the best possible way? is there anything else i should do? should i get the fuck out before the building burns down?

any non-snarky advice is welcome. thanks.

― logged out, Monday, 10 November 2003 04:55 (twenty-one years ago)

personally i'd take a step back until whatever happens with the other girl has happenend.

― the surface noise (electricsound), Monday, 10 November 2003 04:57 (twenty-one years ago)

try not to say things like he doesn't seem like the type to do that, but you never know with men to him for starters

― goato mountington (dubplatestyle), Monday, 10 November 2003 04:58 (twenty-one years ago)

Did he respond to her 'missed connection' ad?

― bnw (bnw), Monday, 10 November 2003 04:58 (twenty-one years ago)

i think he will if he hasn't already. he told me that he felt they made a "connection" and the ad was a great opportunity, or something like that. ugh.

― logged out, Monday, 10 November 2003 05:01 (twenty-one years ago)

first, be honest and tell him that you have read his blog. it sounds like he doesn't know that this is the case (though if he does, he's not handling this well).

second, don't use phrases like 'you never know with men' unless you want to be rigteously flamed (ok that's not relationship advice but still)

― Dave M. (rotten03), Monday, 10 November 2003 05:02 (twenty-one years ago)

if you are uncomfortable with being one of two girls, then you are looking for a commitment from him. maybe you should try dating other people as well. it would take the pressure off of the situation, and you might have fun.

― Emilymv (Emilymv), Monday, 10 November 2003 05:02 (twenty-one years ago)

other great opportunities await him in the want ads too, like bagel shops for sale and pre-op trannie sex.

― hstencil, Monday, 10 November 2003 05:03 (twenty-one years ago)

(x-post with gabbo or goato or footboy)

― Dave M. (rotten03), Monday, 10 November 2003 05:03 (twenty-one years ago)

anyway, I'm sorry, that was snarky, but I think you should write off this dude.

― hstencil, Monday, 10 November 2003 05:03 (twenty-one years ago)

forget it. seriously.

― lauren (laurenp), Monday, 10 November 2003 05:04 (twenty-one years ago)

he doesn't seem like the type to do that, but you never know ~~with men.~~

better?

― logged out, Monday, 10 November 2003 05:05 (twenty-one years ago)

well, it seems like he is the type if he's going to respond to her ad. you haven't got very much invested, so clear out!

― lauren (laurenp), Monday, 10 November 2003 05:07 (twenty-one years ago)

x-post of the centuray!

IF HE'S TELLING YOU HE'S INTERESTED IN SOMEONE ELSE TOO, HE IS THE TYPE TO DO THAT.

(sorry for the all caps)

― hstencil, Monday, 10 November 2003 05:08 (twenty-one years ago)

it doesn't sound like there's a commitment yet so why do you care about being one of two? Obv. if he's telling you about this girl he doesn't want to commit to you right now. So deal with it or move on.

― A Girl Named Sam (thatgirl), Monday, 10 November 2003 05:09 (twenty-one years ago)

i cannot emphasize enough how wise hstencil is.

― lauren (laurenp), Monday, 10 November 2003 05:10 (twenty-one years ago)

If he made out with her and wants to see her again, I fear you are being castoff into the friend zone. Maybe you misread his intent on wanting to see more of you? You should either ask him what's up to clarify what he's thinking or cut the line or *cringe* just be friends.

Also: the "I'm confused" is a great way for someone to fuck someone else over while avoiding blame.

― bnw (bnw), Monday, 10 November 2003 05:11 (twenty-one years ago)

bnw also correct. "confusion" of this sort is totally cowardly.

― lauren (laurenp), Monday, 10 November 2003 05:13 (twenty-one years ago)

lauren I don't know much about relationships, but what I know about bagel shops and pre-op trannie sex could fill volumes...

er.

― hstencil, Monday, 10 November 2003 05:13 (twenty-one years ago)

don't forget the mystical promise of oriental massage

― goato mountington (dubplatestyle), Monday, 10 November 2003 05:15 (twenty-one years ago)

i still don't get what he supposedly is the type to do? It's not like she said this guy's her boyfriend or anything.

― A Girl Named Sam (thatgirl), Monday, 10 November 2003 05:18 (twenty-one years ago)

he's not the type to date her exclusively, clearly.

― hstencil, Monday, 10 November 2003 05:20 (twenty-one years ago)

i have been this guy. i don't know what to say about the situation (or haha myself) morally, but the RATIONALE is 'so i've suddenly got these two ppl that both seem pretty great...how am i supposed to decide w/o getting to know them both a little better, flip a coin?'

― typo acapulco (gcannon), Monday, 10 November 2003 05:23 (twenty-one years ago)

exclusivity is overrated.

― A Girl Named Sam (thatgirl), Monday, 10 November 2003 05:28 (twenty-one years ago)

I agree with ya Sam, but if that's what the question-asker wants, she needs to be clear about it with the dude and perhaps just not get entangled.

― hstencil, Monday, 10 November 2003 05:29 (twenty-one years ago)

he may not be an asshole but he's in an asshole's dilemma. so let him know that you know he's making the decision. this is a wierd situation in terms of etiquette; it's best if you are all clear about what you owe each other, but none of you really owe each other anything yet...

(xp)

― typo acapulco (gcannon), Monday, 10 November 2003 05:38 (twenty-one years ago)

I was in a similar situation, where the guy asked me out and the same day he got asked out by a girl he thought was cute. He dated both of us for a while, and both of us were under the impression that it was exclusive. I'm still not sure how he managed the schedule-juggling. It ended strangely.

I'm not sure what advice I'd give, but it would probably be easier to stay away from this guy. There's good advice given on this thread already.

(xp)

― JuliaA (j_bdules), Monday, 10 November 2003 05:50 (twenty-one years ago)

I'm with typo on this one. The poor guy just got it into his head he'd never see this other girl again, then gets a second chance, but after he's met you. This is unfortunate for both of you basically. It doesnt mean he wants to be a deliberate arsehole but like you say, if you "dont want to be one of two girls" then as Jim said upthread, take a step back. Having recently been in a similar situation I can wholeheartedly say tis better to crush on a guy, step back and let it turn to friendship, than put both of you through a big fat mess and then get nothing but upset out of it in the end.

― Trayce (trayce), Monday, 10 November 2003 05:54 (twenty-one years ago)

Write to Dan Savage. He'll know what to do.

― ScottRC (ScottRC), Monday, 10 November 2003 06:16 (twenty-one years ago)

well, i agree with the general consensus that you should back off, but don't know if my reasons are the same. basically, he sounds pretty intrigued by this other girl. if you stay there and try to date him, you're competing with her. and even though i'm sure you are actually by far the cuter/smarter/funnier girl, you'll lose. which would suck.

what i also think, though, is that you consciously take a step back for a while (a month or two) while he gives it a go with her. right now, she's just this romantic perfect ideal which is impossible to compete with. i mean, i would so date someone that wrote into a missed connections about me. that's exciting.

but they might not actually have a connection. why else didn't she get his number at the time? or he hers? i think that you should give it a couple of months where you're his acquaintance. start a new hobby. see your friends. keep amazingly busy and develop (or groom your existingly perfect) an exciting life. when you do find the time to talk to him, tell him about your fab life.

if, after all of this, you still want him in a couple months, then you can start flirting and all that. by then the exciting novelty will have faded, and she might be completely out of the picture. they might be dating casually, but at a level where you can compete more fairly. but maybe you'll have decided you're too cool and busy to date someone so indecisive!

sorry if that sounds harsh or calculating, just how i would deal with the sitation.

― colette (a2lette), Monday, 10 November 2003 10:23 (twenty-one years ago)

I'm with a lot of folks here--if you're interested in an exclusive relationship, no matter how soon it is, your best bet is to bow out. Like Sam, I think exclusivity is overrated, but I also wouldn't make fun of anyone for preferring it (and am not implying that Sam is, either).

― M Matos (M Matos), Monday, 10 November 2003 10:27 (twenty-one years ago)

Lots of good advice. He is being honest with you, and he has made no kind of exclusivity commitment to you (I'm unclear if you are in any kind of relationship yet, really) so I don't see that he has done anything wrong, or would be doing so by starting to date this other woman. It does sound to me as if you are wanting an exclusive relationship very quickly, but as I say I am unclear where the two of you are right now. Anyway, if you don't fancy a non-exclusive dating relationship with him, you can only step back here.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Monday, 10 November 2003 14:13 (twenty-one years ago)

Oof. Doesnt sound good to me. I honestly wouldnt bother with someone if they had reservations for someone else, especially if it were in the context of this one.

― Spinktor the Unmerciful (mawill5), Monday, 10 November 2003 14:16 (twenty-one years ago)

In these parts we don't really do non-exclusive dating relationships. I'd suggest upfrontedly talking to him about all this, and backing off if he gets all "I've got to see where my head is at etc." at you.

― DV (dirtyvicar), Monday, 10 November 2003 14:17 (twenty-one years ago)

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