only children, C or D?

I am one, of course. I don't know, I learned how to entertain myself and probably read a lot more books than I would've with bruvvers and sisters running around.

(I am, unsurprisingly).

On the other hand I know only children who are nothing like this.

but you know what i mean

On the whole, pop psychology is bollocks, but the thing about dating people in the same place in the family order (also, large family/small family) is actually quite sensible.

Even if, as only children, you may have very different routines, it's moot that your routine is your own, and the other partner shouldn't f@ck with it.

When it comes to wanting privacy, living your own life, getting parental love, etc., being an only child rocks. When it comes to taking care of parents, taking responsibility when things go wrong, playtime as a child, etc., only childhood can be a lonely road indeed.

When I was a young girl and a young teen, I really wished I had siblings. I thought of how cool an older brother or sister would be, or how nice it would be to be an older sister. Then, when I was 15, I realized I was so used to this way of being that I didn't want siblings anymore. Now, I kinda wish I *had* some sibling assistance with certain things, but it's far too late for those things at present and all the really tough and difficult things I've been able to handle as an only child anyway so I can take it from here very well thank you very much. :)

I heard only children relate best to other only children and eldest children, btw, and that all of the qualities associated with eldest siblings also apply to only children. Hm.

see i don't believe this is true at all, but then i don't have that wide a survey to call on

Same here. I wish I had some cousins sometimes. People that kinda looked like me and had the same last name and were the same age maybe. I may not be an only child, but my sister and I are only-grandchildren, if that makes any freaking sense whatsoever.

Another reason to date me. Oh, wait.

Well, no statutory rape charges in that case.

http://www.empresasintegral.com/sp/arte/integral.gif child dx

yeah books and radio and the library's A/V section

scorching take

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DywVrXzUYAAVJnE.jpg:small

:(
that's horrible

"in this new anything-goes society we’ve constructed, it’s impolite to point out that traditional families build better products and prodigies"

!

jason whitlock is such a fucking scumbag

wow, rude

Obviously that is not directed towards you, call all destroyer!!!

my parents are divorced, so i never had a chance to be a good product or prodigy, but it hadn't occurred to me that 'traditional families' required multiple children. is two enough? adam and eve had at least five

My parents are mad at me for not having or wanting children and I'm an only child lol sorry you had to learn about the importance of diversifying your portfolio this way

— Opinion Leader (@InternetHippo) September 10, 2019

same

that's a good way to put it!

My mother said “the way things are today, in some ways I’m glad I’m not a grandmother.”

Uh, ok

ooooof

I definitely grasped the concept of monopolistic industries as an only child ... of course, someone/something could always come along and be a market disruptor

one of the roughest feelings i deal with as an only child (without children) is the realization that -- beyond my parents -- everyone in my inner circle or "chosen family" is there contingent on me being in their good graces. if they decide they don't like me or something i have said or done, they are totally within their right to sever the connection, or let it fade or whatever mode of friendship-conclusion you prefer. it leads me to feel that i don't have anyone solidly and reliably "in my corner" in that way that people always say that family "has your back" even when no one else does.

it's a very popular narrative to declare "family is the only thing that matters" because friends are temporary and contingent. where does that leave someone like me? where does that leave someone for whom close connections are all voluntary and dependent on being liked? it's enough to give me that very familiar and old despair of "you have no one"

:( apols for being maudlin, i don't have anywhere else to put this. being an aging childless only child is hard in a very special way. at least it feels like that today.

I'm a childless only child - my experience is that friends are way more reliable that family. An observation arrived at from looking at my own family and other peoples. I've known people with lots of brothers and sisters who couldn't rely on any of them.

my entire family sucks. Having siblings can still leave you alone.

a couple of years ago my mom told me my brothers were asking her if I would be ok being named guardian of their children (one set of parents have high risk jobs). First, I was like 'fuck no" and then also laughing that they didn't ask me directly. I really hope they didn't put me down.

I think what I’m trying to say is that the precariousness of close relationships in general is in stark relief when the potential of familial relationships doesn’t exist. Sure I could have siblings and they could be estranged from me. But I don’t so even though it’s obvs not a given they’d be close, it’s not even an option bc they don’t exist. Does that make sense? Hard to explain.

that way that people always say that family "has your back" even when no one else does.

it's a very popular narrative to declare "family is the only thing that matters"

one of the hardest, most alienating things about familial relationships that are toxic and damaging are these same narratives!

there's real truth in that other trite saying ime- friends being the family you would choose for yourself.

I have nothing against only children. It has an effect on them, sure, but I find all people to be such mixed bags of traits that whether or not they have siblings is lost in a sea of ever-shifting emotions, reactions, and acquired habits. I struggle to keep up with the utter strangeness of human proclivities in general.

I have nothing against only children.

truly your magnanimity knows no bounds

when the entire thread is cast as C or D, I might be forgiven for eliminating D as my preferred option. up to you, ofc.

Y'all, I've come to say that I've experienced losing both parents as an only child and while having siblings in an ideal world would mean I would have an innate support structure, the reality is that having siblings (or indeed relatives of any kind) doesn't automatically = support and I've found myself relying mainly on my friends for support. I have one aunt and two cousins I'm close to but by and large I count my friends as my family. The only aspect of my personality I'd lay the blame on with my being an only is my deep introversion IRL. Otherwise I'm the same as those of y'all with siblings.

it's a very popular narrative to declare "family is the only thing that matters" because friends are temporary and contingent. where does that leave someone like me? where does that leave someone for whom close connections are all voluntary and dependent on being liked? it's enough to give me that very familiar and old despair of "you have no one"

<3 -- I go through this at least once a month. Also, an only child, also no kids ... when I got out of my "marriage" 10 years ago, I felt this super hard. Like, for me, my partner was my family (outside of my parents), and seeing how that serious, committed relationship was temporary and contingent, ... none of my other friends at that time were nearly as close. I feel like a tendency to independence and self-sufficiency is a common only child trait, and I think I just doubled down on that after becoming single, and also when I have those feelings of alienation or contingency. And, I think we've actually talked about this on the no-boys thread, but it's hard not to focus on feelings of rejection, exclusion, or possible rejection and exclusion -- as opposed to focusing on, "hey, I am an awesome friend to myself, and I can do all these things on my own, and feel happy and a sense of accomplishment for being independent and self-sufficient." ... I feel, culturally, the latter is easier for cis-males, and more difficult for cis-females, because we tend to be conditioned to derive self-worth from close relationships to others.

oh, and because la lechera, you were the one that brought this up -- about 5 years ago, I was in a band with a friend (it was a duo), and he decided he didn't want to be in the band anymore. I had also been in another band with two other friends, and that one had a bunch of problems and I parted ways with that band due to issues with the bandleader. Anyway ... being in a band/wanting to be in a band kinda amplifies this stuff ... at least for me. ... One of the things I did that actually made it better was develop a solo project/material, something musical that I could do on my own and feel good about.

yeah i take a lot of pride in being able to take care of myself & have been a self-care devotee since before there was a widely-recognized term for it. i don't expect anyone to take care of me aside from myself. this is definitely an only child thing ime!

the precariousness of voluntary close relationships legit scares me; it scared me yesterday more than most days. thanks for understanding. there's really nothing that anyone can do or say to change it, i just have to feel more at peace with it.

It has an effect on them, sure, but I find all people to be such mixed bags of traits that whether or not they have siblings is lost in a sea of ever-shifting emotions, reactions, and acquired habits.

Def agree with this. It's sorta like astrology where there's confirmation bias.

i don't expect anyone to take care of me aside from myself. this is definitely an only child thing ime!

Myself and my 2 sisters are this way

whereas the only child I'm dating cannot pump her own gas, cook her own meals, etc

ok well it's a me thing then
mama literally told me "you have to take care of yourself because no one else is going to do it" and that's how it was

I feel like a tendency to independence and self-sufficiency is a common only child trait, and I think I just doubled down on that after becoming single, and also when I have those feelings of alienation or contingency. And, I think we've actually talked about this on the no-boys thread, but it's hard not to focus on feelings of rejection, exclusion, or possible rejection and exclusion -- as opposed to focusing on, "hey, I am an awesome friend to myself, and I can do all these things on my own, and feel happy and a sense of accomplishment for being independent and self-sufficient." ... I feel, culturally, the latter is easier for cis-males, and more difficult for cis-females, because we tend to be conditioned to derive self-worth from close relationships to others.

I count several close friends among my support system but even then, I tend to congregate with very few people at one time, usually just one or two others. I too feel as though the default for women is to coalesce as a large group and in fact quite a few of my women friends have FB profiles full of photos of them with several other women gathered together. I'm the odd one out in that respect, yet I feel a kinship to quite a few other people, both men and women. I don't think you have to have friend circles operate in a prescribed/proscribed manner in order to reap the benefits of friendship, though I suppose it helps that I don't have an actual family family of my own to rely upon. Also, I love doing things on my own, from going to the movies to attending concerts, and would honestly rather do these things by myself than drag a bemused other person along just so I can say I'm not alone.

Ya was gonna say it's prob due to parenting. She was her parents "special lil girl" and was smothered, over-protected.
xp

mama literally told me "you have to take care of yourself because no one else is going to do it" and that's how it was

― weird woman in a bar (La Lechera), Tuesday, February 4, 2020 12:18 PM (nine seconds ago)

haha mine was very similar -- it definitely was a factor in the pressure she put on me to get a good education and learn marketable skills. Also, recently she told me that she read some article that was a survey of middle-aged women that found their greatest fear was of becoming homeless / street beggars. ... I will leave her assessment of common traits of the male gender for another thread. LOL

this thread is the largest collection of only children i am aware of/have access to and i am taking this opportunity to bump it

three reasons:

* i have detached enough from social media to not have caught it in real time, but apparently "siblings day" happened again, and again it can go to hell

* NPR seems to be running a series about "the science of siblings" and it too can go fuck itself. how rude.

* my mom is in the middle of heart surgery rn and i don't have anyone to talk to about it. instead i have to go to work and pretend to feel normal and it sucks.

that's all!

To be fair to the people I do have to talk with about this, I appreciate their ears. It's exceptionally difficult for me to reach out to people and be like "hey guess what my mom is in the middle of surgery" bc it feels (and probably is) at least somewhat intrusive.

I feel you! Going through major health stuff with both parents in the past year+ ALONE has been challenging and massively guilt inducing.

well not alone but you know

and I best wishes for you mom!

A - I hope your mom's surgery goes well.

apparently "siblings day" happened again, and again it can go to hell

As someone with three siblings, I fully agree.

My mum is an only child. This means I have less aunts and uncles and cousins, therefore as a child I got less Christmas presents which was dud

Same here. I wish I had some cousins sometimes. People that kinda looked like me and had the same last name and were the same age maybe. I may not be an only child, but my sister and I are only-grandchildren, if that makes any freaking sense whatsoever.

― Pleasant Plains (Pleasant Plains), Tuesday, November 11, 2003

Something funny I discovered in the past 20 years:

• Father of my mom, the only child between him and my grandmother, leaves family when my mom is two.

• Marries the woman he met during the war in Italy.

• They have a daughter together.

• She grows up and eventually marries — follow me here — a man with the same first and last name as my childless uncle, my father's brother.

• They have a son, who's just slightly older than me.

So I do (sorta) have a cousin around my age with the same last name. He's just related to me through my estranged maternal grandfather.

And no, I haven't tried to contact him.

https://i.imgur.com/J5NDIiW.png

Don't know if I mentioned it here though I am sure I have elsewhere on ILX at some point. I am an only child with one cousin. I had two but one was hit by a train and died when I was 12. I do, however, have a half sister in Germany who I have known about since I was 18 but only met for the first time 2 years ago. Currently trying to figure out how to navigate that situation as my dad, who is also her dad, doesn't want to be reconnected with her. It's a long story. Anyway, not sure how I feel yet about discovering new relatives. It's complicated.

There were many weird parts about meeting her but the weirdest is prob that I think we do look similar in some ways. We have the exact same colour green eyes.

Studying wills, estates and trusts for work made me think about this thread and y’all…. No siblings, no kids … I try not to dwell on it

Oh god, we’re working on our estate planning right now. We’re two only children with an only child, and we don’t trust our old parents or any of our extended family for guardianship and other things. Doesn’t leave us a lot of options, other than reaching out to friends and hoping that it’s not a crazy ask. I guess a lot of people would use their sisters/brothers in this scenario, but we don’t got those.

reaching out to friends and hoping that it’s not a crazy ask.

I don't think the question is crazy; it's necessary. What's hardest is providing your friends with enough information for them to understand what if would mean if they said "yes", which means you have to understand it, too.

Add: We were in a similar position. There's no easy answer, but it might help to tell your friends that saying yes doesn't irrevocably commit them. Everything would be decided and arranged in partnership with the courts and the state's child welfare services. Of course, both those institutions would be ecstatic to have the friend expressly mentioned among your estate papers as meeting your approval and having already expressed a willingness to act as guardian, but if their life circumstances have changed to the point where they no longer can accept that responsibility, then they do not have to. You might feel a bit safer if you had a second or third alternative on your list. With normal luck, none of this will ever be needed!

Yeah, the back ups and the back ups of the back ups are where it gets hard!

"pork chops with a married couple" made me laugh
https://www.tiktok.com/@newyorkjeff/video/7210172353031064874?lang=en