only children, C or D?

I am one, of course. I don't know, I learned how to entertain myself and probably read a lot more books than I would've with bruvvers and sisters running around.

(I am, unsurprisingly).

On the other hand I know only children who are nothing like this.

but you know what i mean

On the whole, pop psychology is bollocks, but the thing about dating people in the same place in the family order (also, large family/small family) is actually quite sensible.

Even if, as only children, you may have very different routines, it's moot that your routine is your own, and the other partner shouldn't f@ck with it.

When it comes to wanting privacy, living your own life, getting parental love, etc., being an only child rocks. When it comes to taking care of parents, taking responsibility when things go wrong, playtime as a child, etc., only childhood can be a lonely road indeed.

When I was a young girl and a young teen, I really wished I had siblings. I thought of how cool an older brother or sister would be, or how nice it would be to be an older sister. Then, when I was 15, I realized I was so used to this way of being that I didn't want siblings anymore. Now, I kinda wish I *had* some sibling assistance with certain things, but it's far too late for those things at present and all the really tough and difficult things I've been able to handle as an only child anyway so I can take it from here very well thank you very much. :)

I heard only children relate best to other only children and eldest children, btw, and that all of the qualities associated with eldest siblings also apply to only children. Hm.

see i don't believe this is true at all, but then i don't have that wide a survey to call on

Same here. I wish I had some cousins sometimes. People that kinda looked like me and had the same last name and were the same age maybe. I may not be an only child, but my sister and I are only-grandchildren, if that makes any freaking sense whatsoever.

Another reason to date me. Oh, wait.

Well, no statutory rape charges in that case.

http://www.empresasintegral.com/sp/arte/integral.gif child dx

well not alone but you know

and I best wishes for you mom!

A - I hope your mom's surgery goes well.

apparently "siblings day" happened again, and again it can go to hell

As someone with three siblings, I fully agree.

My mum is an only child. This means I have less aunts and uncles and cousins, therefore as a child I got less Christmas presents which was dud

Same here. I wish I had some cousins sometimes. People that kinda looked like me and had the same last name and were the same age maybe. I may not be an only child, but my sister and I are only-grandchildren, if that makes any freaking sense whatsoever.

― Pleasant Plains (Pleasant Plains), Tuesday, November 11, 2003

Something funny I discovered in the past 20 years:

• Father of my mom, the only child between him and my grandmother, leaves family when my mom is two.

• Marries the woman he met during the war in Italy.

• They have a daughter together.

• She grows up and eventually marries — follow me here — a man with the same first and last name as my childless uncle, my father's brother.

• They have a son, who's just slightly older than me.

So I do (sorta) have a cousin around my age with the same last name. He's just related to me through my estranged maternal grandfather.

And no, I haven't tried to contact him.

https://i.imgur.com/J5NDIiW.png

Don't know if I mentioned it here though I am sure I have elsewhere on ILX at some point. I am an only child with one cousin. I had two but one was hit by a train and died when I was 12. I do, however, have a half sister in Germany who I have known about since I was 18 but only met for the first time 2 years ago. Currently trying to figure out how to navigate that situation as my dad, who is also her dad, doesn't want to be reconnected with her. It's a long story. Anyway, not sure how I feel yet about discovering new relatives. It's complicated.

There were many weird parts about meeting her but the weirdest is prob that I think we do look similar in some ways. We have the exact same colour green eyes.

Studying wills, estates and trusts for work made me think about this thread and y’all…. No siblings, no kids … I try not to dwell on it

Oh god, we’re working on our estate planning right now. We’re two only children with an only child, and we don’t trust our old parents or any of our extended family for guardianship and other things. Doesn’t leave us a lot of options, other than reaching out to friends and hoping that it’s not a crazy ask. I guess a lot of people would use their sisters/brothers in this scenario, but we don’t got those.

reaching out to friends and hoping that it’s not a crazy ask.

I don't think the question is crazy; it's necessary. What's hardest is providing your friends with enough information for them to understand what if would mean if they said "yes", which means you have to understand it, too.

Add: We were in a similar position. There's no easy answer, but it might help to tell your friends that saying yes doesn't irrevocably commit them. Everything would be decided and arranged in partnership with the courts and the state's child welfare services. Of course, both those institutions would be ecstatic to have the friend expressly mentioned among your estate papers as meeting your approval and having already expressed a willingness to act as guardian, but if their life circumstances have changed to the point where they no longer can accept that responsibility, then they do not have to. You might feel a bit safer if you had a second or third alternative on your list. With normal luck, none of this will ever be needed!

Yeah, the back ups and the back ups of the back ups are where it gets hard!

"pork chops with a married couple" made me laugh
https://www.tiktok.com/@newyorkjeff/video/7210172353031064874?lang=en

bump

we rule

i will admit that i found having a roommate (in a very small room) in my first year of university somewhat difficult

but mostly that was because he was an asshole who insisted on practicing his classical guitar while i was trying to sleep

lol iirc he was an only child too

obv impossible to know what stuff is a 'me' thing and what is an only child thing but noise and people talking over one another has always stressed me out a lot even bizarrely when I see it on TV and it's a scene of a family chaotically getting kids ready to leave the house for school or something equally innocuous. as far as fitting the only child stereotype I am definitely at my most happy/content/at ease when by myself, but then again maybe people who have siblings and who also happen to be really social are too as far as I would know.

hi 5

I hate being by myself but according to the probably bogus psychometry tests available from thee interwebz I am in the top 10% of extroverts. This made it feel hard growing up only, I think. Our daughter the introvert is definitely doing just fine.

I was not an only child but I feel like I sculpted part of my childhood experience in a way such that I excluded myself from being an active sibling. I don't know exactly why or how. I remember playing with my sister when we were both pretty young, but it was often semi-adversarial in a little kid way, then a period of doing some things together, followed by me being ON COMPUTER and then both of us being involved in complementary activities, where we were doing similar things at different times, or different things at different times so we wouldn't be interacting.

For instance, she was a freshman in high school when I was a senior and we were both in orchestra, with me in the first violin section and her being a cellist and all I remember about it was being annoyed at a few of my creepy peers! And then we were in college with a one-year overlap at the same school, and I think she befriended and hung out with my roommates more than me. Kind of funny.

I am pretty extroverted, but I need my “alone” time in order to feel sane. I have also noticed that since the pandemic, I have needed more of this alone time.

Xp mookie — I had the early morning workout queen who blowdried her hair while I was trying to sleep— she was also an only child. The college eventually gave us both single rooms.

i have spent a LOT of time trying to figure out which parts of my dysfunction were a product of being an only child and which were a product of being the only child of my particular parents. turns out that the latter was way more important.

because i did not have experience to the contrary, i used to attribute all of it to only-childhood. turns out that being an only is actually totally fine for a lot of people provided they have a support system that goes beyond their parent/s (which I did not have)

It was a pretty massive realization for me!

Yeah when we decided to have an only I was VERY much against it until my partner pulled up the peer-reviewed research showing most only children are just fine, it was just my situation with a narcissist mother that made things worse than they needed to be.

i actually thought of you when i posted that -- part of my decision to not reproduce was predicated on the belief that i couldn't do that (force only childhood) to someone else. turns out that is not actually the problem and not being a narcissist solves it.

Both my parents had siblings and I was their 2nd attempt at reproduction… the first one died, so they quit after me. 50/50 success rate. Could be worse.

I do wonder if being an only put me at a disadvantage in re navigating workplace politics or made me prefer to be self-employed…

I was [Hidden text. Click to view]

i have spent a LOT of time trying to figure out which parts of my dysfunction were a product of being an only child and which were a product of being the only child of my particular parents. turns out that the latter was way more important.

because i did not have experience to the contrary, i used to attribute all of it to only-childhood. turns out that being an only is actually totally fine for a lot of people provided they have a support system that goes beyond their parent/s (which I did not have)

It was a pretty massive realization for me!

I have also thought about this in regards my mother, whom I had to cut off for a few years in order for her to understand that my life was not an extension of her ego. But growing up with her was stifling, bordering occasionally on verbally abusive— she was so concerned about how I appeared to the outside world that she once called me a slur to my face, repeatedly, because I wasn’t walking the way she wanted me to walk on our way to church. My father, who has always been my greater advocate, told her exactly where she could take that kind of attitude toward me, and she got in the car and drove off and we didn’t see her for two days. I thought this was my fault but my dad assured me it wasn’t. This was when I was 12 years old!! And while it was never that bad again, it continued for years in other ways.

When I was 25, at the end of a visit, she told me, “you’re trying too hard to be gay,” which resulted in an enormous fight. I then got on a plane, and didn’t speak to her or see her for close to two years. She got the hint.

Damn … sorry to all ilxors w bad momz.

in my case it was a dad, but my mom fully aligned herself with him so they were a team while i was left to take care of myself. it did not seem like (and was not) a very good deal for me, which is why i always thought it was being an only that was my primary prob. it took a long time to realize that was not the case.

i was very stubborn in discovering that it was my parents who were the problem -- i needed to believe they were good bc they were the only people i had.

i am sorry that was the case for you, LL. for me, i had made my friends my family, and really leaned on them. i didn’t see my parents for major holidays for a decade— i still sometimes don’t see them on Thanksgiving or Christmas.

I had the early morning workout queen who blowdried her hair while I was trying to sleep— she was also an only child. The college eventually gave us both single rooms.

when i filled out the paperwork for college, it asked if i'd prefer a single room, to which i of course said hell yes -- i didn't realize this came at an additional expense. as the money for all this was coming from a variety of sources including three parents, a grandparent, and the u.s. navy, i was soon disabused of this choice and got thrown in with guitar guy less than a week before classes started

the study abroad i did was at a place with residences that were all singles, genders mixed throughout rather than by wing, and unisex bathrooms. altogether more adult (and more conducive to learning, among other things)

i was very stubborn in discovering that it was my parents who were the problem -- i needed to believe they were good bc they were the only people i had.

if I hadn’t met my partner and we hadn’t had a child together and my insane mom hadn’t decided our Jewish daughter needed an advent calendar I still wonder - would I still be talking to those people every week, and suffering through the accompanying stress? Yeesh. Breaking up with them wasn’t easy but my god was it ever worth it.

i was one of two kids and i have two kids and it's so hard to imagine just having one - i feel like i would be WAY too invested in him/her, i'd put too much pressure on their shoulders despite my best efforts. two or more seems like it spreads out the parental expectations in a helpful way

were you elder or younger

Only child here. I would never say I am at my most content alone - I am most content seated at a table chatting shit, or maybe on the couch showing friends some film I think they'll enjoy - but I am very able to be alone for prolonged periods, can keep myself occupied, almost never feel frustration if someone cancels plans.

Sensitivity towards playful teasing...tbh I always assumed this was more about growing up very Other and getting a lot of bullying at an early age, but yeah I do have that, and am the worst of hypocrites about it.

My cousin, an only child, is the most gregarious person I know -- like, he can't imagine not hosting a party or trying to work the room. He was spoiled rotten as a kid.

He has four children of his own, in large part because, he says, he missed not having bros and sisters.

Oh I definitely had pressure… also part of the gender issues, because I felt like I had to be both son and daughter…

Never felt the need for a sibling - I looked at all children younger than myself as nuisances and assumed I had the same status for any kid older.

I still remember the dreams I used to have wishing I had a brother.

This thread is really making me wish ilx had emojis like slack and teams, I know that’s dumb but I just want to slap hugging-people under lots of y’alls posts

thread honestly helping me process adoption decisions, thanks...

i think it is worth mentioning the obvious: that the calculus for how many children to have is different depending on what sort of reproductive system you have. if you are a child-bearer, you may feel differently about being pregnant more than once (or maybe you love being pregnant, everyone is different)

i can only speak for myself, but having an only child was off the table (for reasons above) and having more than one sent my mind reeling not only because of the disruption to my life being pregnant for 18 months but also bc i have literally no idea what to do when there are two kids. i only know how to deal with one (because that is all i saw as a child) and i am perfectly happy with my decision.

i do think it's different for girls thought tbrrwu

very true!

my mom has said that she views herself as having some vague or not specifically diagnosed neuroatypicality, maybe just anxiety or depression, and during the calm parts of pregnancy she thought that maybe this was what it felt like to feel normal. this was in the context of taking ssris, which made her feel better later in life. she had two kids, so it didn’t turn into a compulsive child-having situation but I kind of wonder about some people who have many children

I started to feel better about my introversion once a boss I had pointed out that it’s actually kind of a skill to be able to work alone for hours without needing to talk other people or move around constantly.

that is championship boss feedback, good job boss

Yeah she was a great leader and really proactively cared about people, I am lucky and grateful to have worked under her.