As the year winds down, so does my mood

Maybe diminished daylight is a factor?

professional help is never a bad thing, but its a bit rich coming from me since i always disdain it for myself.

I would love to do talk therapy (that's what really pulled me out of this slump last year) but I can't afford it. My insurance co-payments are too high. (on top of that the district is switching our insurance and the cost is going up so much I may not be able to afford my medications anymore much less doctor visits. )

For me this time of year isn't too harsh, as I enjoy winter sports and the mindless ceremony of the holidays. Also, my birthday is in September so the last real day of dangerous, depersonalising partying is Halloween, giving me two months to refocus myself.

One technique is watching people simply walk down the street during very cold evenings. They all look so determined. And they can't be too happy either, so don't sweat it if you're not.

You can get to sleep almost instantly, even after work, if you take sublingual tabs of melatonin. Just make sure your contacts are out before you put it in your mouth! Bye, world. See you when there's sun again.

I'm trying to make myself agree that before I would go so far as to attempt suicide again that I'll just walk away from everything. There's very little that's keeping me from doing this now. A few things, but not many. But one of these days I might just take what little money I can get, hop in the car and just disappear. Sounds so refreshing.

Then I realize they won't be.

I wish I had some startling revelation, or even words of advice, but I don't. I hope you find something that works for you this year, Sam - my life is enriched by your presence. Also.. well, because maybe you'll hit on a reason I can use to convince myself, too.

I did a search for threads with "depression" and was depressed about how many of the results were posts by me. :(

Mary. .I don't know. Birthdays have always sucked for me. A lot for what you're saying I think. Overall this time of year reminds me of time passing and how I'm accomplishing less and less the older I get.

My friends are all pathetic drunks. Anything special they'd want to do for me would involve drinking. I wanted to go to West Texas and visit Marfa by myself as a little treat o' sanity over thanksgiving but discovered last night that I didn't have the money.

I get depressed on my birthday, but nothing as serious as you mention. Christmas and New Year's are pretty much non-holidays for me, not depressing, but not particularly life-affirming either. Though I think that these holidays are particularly difficult times for many.

christmas is going to be awful this year.

Usually no one remembers it's my birthday except for my mom and the bartenders at Ships.

I know overall I've accomplished a lot but lately it seems each year I'm worse off than the year before. Let's see, how am I doing better now than this time last year? hmm. . .I have a bigger TV. And I haven't started stockpiling pills. Yay me.

My perceptions are warped. This is a fact of life.

I know I need to get regular sleep (ha) and exercise (yeah right) but right now it's all I can do to get up and put my clothes on each morning. I almost didn't do that today!

(Also, Sam, aren't you just getting over being sick? This could be contributing to current lack of energy.)

Lord knows how I'm dealing with various issues and feelings, things I won't get into at this time. But I do know that one thing that doesn't so much provide me with comfort as it does make me feel a little less weird, a little more normal, is when I have reminders such as this thread that there are others who are dealing with inner issues as well and that it's not strange at all, in the end.

Sam, you're an amazing person inside and out. You're much stronger than you give yourself credit for. I hope you recognize how much your presence has meant to me, especially around here. You're great and deserve to take good care of yourself.

I now we argue/disagree about many issues related to mental health, Sam, but I really do feel for you. Winter, especially December, is a really horrible, just generally bad time of year, for me, too. Fortunately, my birthday isn't around this time, but Christmas and New Years are triggers for some of the worst depressions I've ever had. Two years ago this Christmas, I did attempt suicide. (Fortunately I was drunk at the time, so I botched it, and I'm still here.) Last Christmas I probably would have gone the same way were it not for being "saddled with" an unexpected houseguest whose problems ended up distracting me from my own problems.

I think that the time of year and the dark days definitely don't help. But that's not the trigger. Christmas and New Years (and birthdays too) are celebrations of family and friends, and if you're feeling hard-done by in that department, then it's really like a punch in the gut. And again, the milestone thing. It's very easy to get sucked into the "Oh my god, I haven't progressed at all in the past year, in fact I'm worse off than I was last year" trap of negative thinking.

When it gets that bad, you really do have to start concentrating on the little things, one day at a time, and all that, cause if you think about the big picture, you'll go mad. Stop thinking about accomplishments in terms of what you've accomplished in the past year, but start thinking about "Wah-hey! I washed the dishes!" Woo, I did the laundry, that's my big accomplishment for the day!" Concentrate on congratulating yourself for the little things that take the willpower of a crusading saint, rather than berrating yourself about the other things.

Kate I think you're right about taking things in small chunks. I read about someone who set a kitchen timer and concentrated on doing productive things for 15 minutes and then rewarding herself for this. Maybe I'll try something like that.

almost didn't make it to school today. Stayed in bed for so log that I didn't even have time to take a shower.

Yes, this is what my sister (who is uninsured) does and it has helped her immensely. I think it is always helpful to talk with someone like a counselor who can help you put things into perspective when you're feeling this way.

I've found, when I get into a trough, exactly the same problems with getting going, especially getting out of bed. The only good way I found was to INSTANTLY get up, the moment I awoke, no pause for thought at all. It mostly worked for me, but I don't know if it would for you.

The small steps advice is very good too. Don't make big plans and feel bad about not fulfilling them, just decide to do one thing and do it immediately, and don't worry about the next thing, as far as possible. Treat yourself when you do manage something.

Good luck with continuing to make it into work - I felt much worse when I took days off. Useless and scared and miserable, and it just got harder to get myself started again.

I've emailed you as well, with some other stuff. Take care of yourself.

and i agree with you about time off. part of me is looking forward to holiday break and another dreads the lack of routine.

Some days it's hard for me to get out of bed; some days I regret that I've even woken up at all. I think about running away from the mess my life has become and it's a daily struggle for me not to. I don't want to be me anymore, this shell of the person I was. I don't want to be alone, but I am.

I know it will get better, these things usually do, but I'm not sure I have the strength to hold on until it does. I know I can make it better, I know there are people who care about me, and I know there are people I can talk to, but I don't want sympathy. I don't want anyone to say, 'I understand' because they don't. Not really. I want to get out of bed in the morning and for things to be the way they were supposed to be, realizing full well how ridiculous that is. My heart is broken and I'm feeling very hopeless, which is not at all what I present to the world. There are reasons to go on, and so I will. Sometimes I just really don't want to.

Don't worry about who I am, it doesn't matter. For those of you who figure it out, well, go Sherlock. I hate myself for these moments of weakness, but I have to let them out somewhere, somehow.

As I've mentioned on other threads, my mom and both my sisters have come very close to attempting suicide. My mom came the closest to succeeding. The only reason she decided to live was that she didn't want to set a bad example for her children. I don't know if it helps, but imagine what would happen when your kids at school found out you commited suicide..?

Personally, I had a horrible time with depression, but most of it was during high school. I often considered killing myself, but I never followed through with any plans. I was tired of being forced to move every year and felt no stability in my life. Then it got to the point that I just stopped going to school. I refused to get out of bed pretty much for 2 weeks. The doctor said maybe I had mono, but I didn't test positive for it. That's what we told my school anyway. Soon afterwards I was put on a bunch of different anti-depressants and then stuck with Paxil until the end of college. I went to counseling the entire time too. And somehow that combination really helped, along with the obvious - which was that I was allowed at college to be in the same place with the same people for 4 years.

Please do know that a lot of people here really do care about you. Would it help if you got a roommate? Or moved in with a family member? Maybe just having someone there when you got home would help.

Maybe you should try to cut back on your responsibilities a bit more. I know this seems small, but if your two kitties really are more trouble than they're worth, maybe you should find them new homes. You could put up fliers at least. For me, cats are a real help when I get depressed because they'll cuddle with you and pur and be a warm body, but maybe you expect too much of yourself and that's something that could give.

And Jess is right, having a hard time with things, and admitting so, is not a weaknesss.

anyway, cheers y'all. and in the do-as-i-say-not-as-i-do dept, remember that alcohol is a depressant...

I do think the recommendations for sleep and exercise will help too. It's just so hard to motivate yourself to do these things when you're already in a hole. I was good about going to the gym there for awhile but have completely dropped off the last couple of weeks. I like walking outdoors but it's not really safe. There have been a lot of armed muggings and carjackings in my hood lately and I'm cautious just going to the store.

A change of environment, by which I mean being in a place where you can talk about your life with people who have a different perspective from the people you encounter on a daily basis, can do wonders for you. When you return to your old environment, things may be the same, but you can use what you've learned in the other one.

I know I need to get regular sleep (ha) and exercise (yeah right) but right now it's all I can do to get up and put my clothes on each morning.

With the disclaimers that I'm a little out of my depth in this whole area, can't really say much about what's medically important, and can only imagine how much time/energy your responsibilities take up, I'll say that I don't think you can underrate the importance of exercise and sleep. Maybe you need someone to help/make you do these things? Maybe they can be seen like investments - they'll take up time/energy now but return more later?

A regular sleep pattern is key. Don't try to 'catch up' on weekends. If you get up at 7 or 8 during the week, try not to sleep past 10. Not only will it be good for you physically, but sticking to some sort of schedule will also be good for you psychologically. (though yeah, there's the whole chicken-egg thing going on there)(this is definitely in the 'do as i say not as i do' department)

Oh, another thing that helps me is cutting the opportunities to get into bad states of mind. This often means just having stuff to do, but not just chores - rewards and relaxation are very important.

One holiday down, two to go. How is everybody doing?

I was pretty high the past couple of weeks but the downturn started a few days ago. I've felt paralyzed with anxiety, ignoring the phone/door etc. Didn't go to school today (brilliant move on my part), etc.

I can't wait to see my pysch in January. She's got to do something to help me, new meds, referral to a therapist to help me figure out coping techniques, etc. I just can't keep hanging on by my fingernails, not with this job.

Best, Sam.

So a month, approx.

I hate that. I hate that I have to feel ashamed and am forced to lie. But I can't really go in to the principal and tell him I was absent b/c I'm unstable, my meds aren't working right and I can't see my pysch until after winter break.

*sigh*

could you see someone else? (apart from your regular psych i mean). i wish you well, sounds like you're having a crap time of it with little support.

If it gets too bad I can always go to the hospital.

finding and feeling comfortable with doctors is very hard. i've just now (after 2 years) gotten comfortable enough with this doctor to articulate some of my problems. The thought of trying to get a new doctor just creates unneeded stress.

i'm thinking of calling and calling my pysch's office again.

i suck. i hate this shit.

I hope that the appointment went okay yesterday. Hoping for the best for you...