Your favourite joke

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My favourite joke has to be the one where the cowboy takes a shit in a hat.

― dog latin, Monday, 24 November 2003 01:51 (twenty-two years ago)

my favourite one is the Oasis Soup one. actually that's the only one i can remember how to tell

― the surface noise (electricsound), Monday, 24 November 2003 01:54 (twenty-two years ago)

The one with the guy whose wife falls into labour on April 1st.

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Monday, 24 November 2003 02:00 (twenty-two years ago)

wouldn't it be better if she fell into Labour on May 1st? :-)

― Orbit (Orbit), Monday, 24 November 2003 02:01 (twenty-two years ago)

"how many bananas are in a bunch?"

"i dunno. how many?"

"a bunch."

― bad jode (Jody Beth Rosen), Monday, 24 November 2003 02:02 (twenty-two years ago)

Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So men will remember them.

― Pancakes For Breakfast! (Dee the Lurker), Monday, 24 November 2003 02:16 (twenty-two years ago)

What's brown and sticky?...obv.

― @d@ml (nordicskilla), Monday, 24 November 2003 02:20 (twenty-two years ago)

A Fudgicle?

― Jeremy the Kingfish (Kingfish), Monday, 24 November 2003 02:29 (twenty-two years ago)

What's brown, black and blue?

A brunette who has been telling too many blonde jokes.

― j.lu (j.lu), Monday, 24 November 2003 02:31 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm not so big on most jokes, but I like the one about the guy who had a head that was half giant orange.

― Dan I., Monday, 24 November 2003 02:31 (twenty-two years ago)

syd barrett? oh, wait...

― Orbit (Orbit), Monday, 24 November 2003 02:32 (twenty-two years ago)

What's the only kind of wood that can't float? That's a good joke.

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Monday, 24 November 2003 02:34 (twenty-two years ago)

hollywood?

― the surface noise (electricsound), Monday, 24 November 2003 02:36 (twenty-two years ago)

Natalie Wood.

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Monday, 24 November 2003 02:36 (twenty-two years ago)

How many Oasis fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Both of them.

― Curt1s St3ph3ns, Monday, 24 November 2003 02:40 (twenty-two years ago)

The one about how to stop a clown from smiling.

― Poppy (poppy), Monday, 24 November 2003 02:57 (twenty-two years ago)

Once I stopped a clown from smiling by cutting her off on the interstate. I don't know the joke, though.

― kirsten (kirsten), Monday, 24 November 2003 03:02 (twenty-two years ago)

The punchline is: "Hit him in the face with an axe!"

― Poppy (poppy), Monday, 24 November 2003 03:46 (twenty-two years ago)

A priest, a rabbi, and a hooker all walk into a bar.
The hooker asks: what is emo?
The rabbi says: http://www.oleswanson.com/images/emo.jpg

― bnw (bnw), Monday, 24 November 2003 04:08 (twenty-two years ago)

The punchline is "I had to use the chair!"

― Sterling Clover (s_clover), Monday, 24 November 2003 04:11 (twenty-two years ago)

wouldn't it be better if she fell into Labour on May 1st? :-)

dude. thats my birthday!

i like the blood on he clownsuit joke told to me by someone here.

― katharine (katharine), Monday, 24 November 2003 04:14 (twenty-two years ago)

what has two thumbs and loves to eat pussy?

― hstencil, Monday, 24 November 2003 04:43 (twenty-two years ago)

what has two thumbs and loves to eat pussy?

i dunno, but are you giving out phone numbers?

― Orbit (Orbit), Monday, 24 November 2003 04:48 (twenty-two years ago)

way to ruin the punchline!

― hstencil, Monday, 24 November 2003 04:58 (twenty-two years ago)

sorry...
*runs away*

― Orbit (Orbit), Monday, 24 November 2003 04:59 (twenty-two years ago)

Thumby McRugmunch?

― zappi (joni), Monday, 24 November 2003 05:06 (twenty-two years ago)

Sissy Hankshaw?

― Haikunym (Haikunym), Monday, 24 November 2003 05:08 (twenty-two years ago)

new rule: you have to *tell* the jokes on this thread! the suspense of finding out about the man with half an orange head is terrible!

― Maria (Maria), Monday, 24 November 2003 05:32 (twenty-two years ago)

why do they put cats' eyes down the centre of the highway?
'cause if they used cats' arses they would need 2x as many cats.

― duane, Monday, 24 November 2003 05:44 (twenty-two years ago)

The only joke I recall from all the ILX joke threads combined:

Q: What's pink, 12 inches long, and makes a woman scream in the morning?

A: Crib death

― Aaron A., Monday, 24 November 2003 06:53 (twenty-two years ago)

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

― ModJ (ModJ), Monday, 24 November 2003 08:02 (twenty-two years ago)

Nothin', you already done told her twice

― miloauckerman (miloauckerman), Monday, 24 November 2003 08:05 (twenty-two years ago)

What do you do when the dishwasher stops working?

― miloauckerman (miloauckerman), Monday, 24 November 2003 08:06 (twenty-two years ago)

Leave her?

― ModJ (ModJ), Monday, 24 November 2003 08:07 (twenty-two years ago)

Slap her.

― miloauckerman (miloauckerman), Monday, 24 November 2003 08:08 (twenty-two years ago)

My brother told me an evil joke yesterday.

Whats the best thing about shagging twenty eight year olds?

There's twenty of them.

― Johnney B (Johnney B), Monday, 24 November 2003 08:23 (twenty-two years ago)

Favorite kid joke:
"What did the mayonnaise say to the fridge."
"Close the door, I'm dressing."

Favorite blonde joke:
"How are a blonde and jello alike?"
"They both jiggle when you eat 'em."

― Eric H. (Eric H.), Monday, 24 November 2003 08:33 (twenty-two years ago)

What's the ultimate lay?

Fucking a pregnant woman while the fetus gives you a blowjob.

― miloauckerman (miloauckerman), Monday, 24 November 2003 08:36 (twenty-two years ago)

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Fuck her.

― miloauckerman (miloauckerman), Monday, 24 November 2003 08:37 (twenty-two years ago)

What do you get if you stab a baby on the head?

An erection.

I am very very sorry.

― neil simpson (neil simpson), Monday, 24 November 2003 09:54 (twenty-two years ago)

'in' the head.

bollocks.

:-(

― neil simpson (neil simpson), Monday, 24 November 2003 09:55 (twenty-two years ago)

what do you call a dog with five nobs?

mariah carey and west life

― ken c, Monday, 24 November 2003 10:46 (twenty-two years ago)

What do you can three dogs and a blackbird?

The Spice Girls.

― Dr Liam Fox (DJ Mencap), Monday, 24 November 2003 11:05 (twenty-two years ago)

the jokes that i can remember are all about 3rd grade level. my fave is:

what's the geekiest place in outer space?

-- the dork side of the moon.

― colette (a2lette), Monday, 24 November 2003 11:15 (twenty-two years ago)

oh! and have you heard about the new pirate movie?

― colette (a2lette), Monday, 24 November 2003 11:15 (twenty-two years ago)

it's rated 'arrrrrr!'

― colette (a2lette), Monday, 24 November 2003 11:16 (twenty-two years ago)

In Dorset owns this thread.

― Dave B (daveb), Monday, 24 November 2003 11:43 (twenty-two years ago)

(this is a horribly offensive joke i heard while in school - loved it when i heard it tho')

why do women get periods?

because they deserve them

― weasel diesel (K1l14n), Monday, 24 November 2003 12:51 (twenty-two years ago)

colette, thank you for saving this thread (for me, anyway).

*is going to have to remember the pirate movie one*

― Tenacious Dee (Dee the Lurker), Monday, 24 November 2003 13:38 (twenty-two years ago)

What's sick?

A truck full of dead babies.

What's sicker?

One of them is alive.

What's sicker?

She eats his way out.

What's sicker?

She comes back for more.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Monday, 24 November 2003 16:47 (twenty-two years ago)

It's not so much a joke but yesterday on the Fox football pre-game show Terry Bradshaw was interviewing Brett Favre about his ironman streak of starts (over 200) and said that when he was still playing he started over 30 games in a row at one point but "that was when men were men" to which Favre replied "and when sheep were scared"! Sunday morning network tv at its finest.

― Bryan (Bryan), Monday, 24 November 2003 16:50 (twenty-two years ago)

these are all brilliant. keep em coming.

― bad jode (Jody Beth Rosen), Monday, 24 November 2003 16:51 (twenty-two years ago)

four months pass...

famous last words...

― thread reviver, Tuesday, 20 April 2004 12:50 (twenty-one years ago)

I can only ever remember one or two jokes when I'm on the spot.

"A skeleton walks into a bar. He asks for a beer and a mop."

*blank stare as it sinks in that the joke's over*

― Jordan (Jordan), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 12:54 (twenty-one years ago)

A wood worm, after giving up his job because it was boring, walks into a bar and asks "is the bar tender here"?

― Robbie Lumsden (Wallace Stevens HQ), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 12:56 (twenty-one years ago)

Q: Why did the american football player cross the road?
A: To get his Quarterback.

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 13:08 (twenty-one years ago)

Cezanne walks into the Café des Artistes, spots Van Gogh propping up the bar.
Cezanne: "Hey Vincent! Can I get you a drink?"
Van Gogh: "No thanks, Paul, I've got one 'ere."

― joker, Tuesday, 20 April 2004 13:20 (twenty-one years ago)

Q: Why did the pervert cross the road?

A: 'Cos his dick was stuck up the chicken's arse

― Michael B, Tuesday, 20 April 2004 13:32 (twenty-one years ago)

soooo....

Michael Owen is walking down the street and he bumps into a friend. His Friend shouts over "hey Michael U look really good today! how are U feeling?" "I feel great" *sniff* "U smell baaaad". A little perturbed he walks on and meets his manager "Michael, you look good today!" "thanks! I feel great!" *sniff* "you smell baaaad". Miffed at this second assault on his odour, he goes home. His wife:" Mikey, you look so good today. how have you been feeling?" "I feel great!" *sniff* "you smell baaaaaad..."

Now on this third comment he decides to persue medical help, so goes to the club doctor. "Mr. Owen, you look good. are you feeling okay?" "i feel great" "Why have you come to see me? Incidentally," *sniff* "you smell baaaaad!"

"That's just the thing you're the fourth person today to say that."

"Ok. let's look at the facts: You look good, you feel great, but you smell bad. oh! it's cause you're a fanny"

b'doom tsch

note: the opinions exressed in this joke are not necessarily the same as Robbie Lumsden's.

― Robbie Lumsden (Wallace Stevens HQ), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 13:40 (twenty-one years ago)

what's black and runny?

Linford christie.

― Robbie Lumsden (Wallace Stevens HQ), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 13:42 (twenty-one years ago)

I like the joke that begins with a setup and ends with a punchline.

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 13:59 (twenty-one years ago)

still contemplating "she eats his way out" from back up there a ways.

a guy goes to the doctor
"i get these terrible headaches," he says.
"hmm. do you masturbate?" asks the doc.
"yes. why?" the patient asks.
"great, isn't it?

― andrew m. (andrewmorgan), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 16:44 (twenty-one years ago)

A kid is playing in an alley & finds a welder's mask in the trash. "Cool" sez he .. and he puts it on. He's wandering around, looking a the work through a green tinted lens, having a great time.

A guy drives up and says - "hey! Do you want to take a ride?"
The kid thinks "I know it's wrong to take a ride with strangers, but .. he seems like a nice fellow, so.." "Sure," he says.
He gets in the car - the guy offers him some candy, and the kid gladly takes it - still playing with the flippy lens on the welder's mask.
The guy says "So - have you ever seen a naked man before?"
The kid says "Uh .. no. Can't say I ever have."
Guy: "Would you like to?"
Kid: "No. I can't say that I would."
Guy: "Do you know what it means when a guy gets a bulge in his trousers?"
Kid: "Yeah.' (Thinks, "sicko")
Guy: "Do you want to feel it?"
Kid: "Um, I gotta confession to make. I'm not really a welder."

― dave225 (Dave225), Tuesday, 20 April 2004 17:03 (twenty-one years ago)

My new favourite joke is the one about the rapper who cleans his kitchen.

― dog latin (dog latin), Sunday, 2 May 2004 12:02 (twenty-one years ago)

haha Robbie "because it was boring"!! lawsy law

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Sunday, 2 May 2004 12:16 (twenty-one years ago)

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