Leave my cheese alone. Bitch.

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My roommate keeps eating my food. I'm really poor and can't afford to have her eating it, and I've yelled at her about it before but she continues, usually taking things from my cupboard or the fridge in the middle of the night and not even bothering to conceal it, like eating half a box of cereal and leaving the box open on the counter beside a bowl with bits of the cereal floating soggily in the milk. She's a vegetarian, so I've considered limiting my consumption to pork chops and beef jerky, but I'm not really keen on that idea. Locks on the cupboard? Punching her in the face? What should I do?

― kirsten (kirsten), Monday, 24 November 2003 02:14 (twenty-two years ago)

if saying "leave my cheese alone. bitch." doesn't provoke apologies or discourse, I'd definitely let them know you're willing to punch them if they keep it up.

― Anthony Miccio (Anthony Miccio), Monday, 24 November 2003 02:24 (twenty-two years ago)

go on the meat-only diet

― Orbit (Orbit), Monday, 24 November 2003 02:25 (twenty-two years ago)

put rat poison in some of the items.

― colin s barrow (colin s barrow), Monday, 24 November 2003 02:34 (twenty-two years ago)

Haha! That's the kind of advice I'm looking for.

― kirsten (kirsten), Monday, 24 November 2003 02:36 (twenty-two years ago)

inject milk into her pillow and mattress

― the surface noise (electricsound), Monday, 24 November 2003 02:36 (twenty-two years ago)

buy only cheese that has bacon bits in

― the surface noise (electricsound), Monday, 24 November 2003 02:37 (twenty-two years ago)

Gross! More, please!

― kirsten (kirsten), Monday, 24 November 2003 02:37 (twenty-two years ago)

and she's still your roommate because...

― M Matos (M Matos), Monday, 24 November 2003 02:38 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh, it's a year lease, and it's either this or live with my parents.

― kirsten (kirsten), Monday, 24 November 2003 02:38 (twenty-two years ago)

Put a horse's head in her bed.

― Rockist Scientist (rockistscientist), Monday, 24 November 2003 02:39 (twenty-two years ago)

i used to have a roommate that was vegitarian, but also lactose intolerant. for some reason he thought he could survive on eating only cheese. and not just normal cheese, but the stinkiest garlic infused cheese. and he'd go to bed earlier than me (this is back in college where we had to share rooms) and i'd open the door and it just smelled like warm diarhea. not fun.

― JaXoN (JasonD), Monday, 24 November 2003 02:41 (twenty-two years ago)

Try deducting from your share of the rent or utilities the cost of what she's taking from you.

Or else put meat in all your food, and tell her, "Oh by the way, I put bacon bits in the cereal which you are. And that cheese is made with rennet. That comes from the stomachs of baby cows."

― j.lu (j.lu), Monday, 24 November 2003 02:44 (twenty-two years ago)

Haha, I used to be a vegetarian, and an old roommate I had used to threaten to put "meat jimmies" in my food. "Meat jimmies" is the term she thought up for the little fatty bits that stick to the pan when you brown hamburger. She only made this threat to be an ass, though. Not because I was eating her food. I guess I could tell my current roommate about meat jimmies.

― kirsten (kirsten), Monday, 24 November 2003 02:47 (twenty-two years ago)

I do think the idea of putting meat in everything might help.

It's a shame you have to deal with this. It would probably make me flip out.

I was a vegetarian for a long time, and though I no longer am, I feel a twinge of embarrassment that she is such a poor representative of vegetarianism.

― Rockist Scientist (rockistscientist), Monday, 24 November 2003 02:48 (twenty-two years ago)

I like this thread title as an alternative to "Who Moved My Cheese?"

― Rockist Scientist (rockistscientist), Monday, 24 November 2003 02:50 (twenty-two years ago)

If it were me I would probably end up hiding my cereal in my room and eating it with reconstituted powdered milk. Then I'd leave my old stale cereal and a container of rotten milk in the kitchen. Later I'd ask, "Why didn't you eat that cereal and milk I had in the kitchen? I left it just for you!"

― Poppy (poppy), Monday, 24 November 2003 02:55 (twenty-two years ago)

one word: sublet

― M Matos (M Matos), Monday, 24 November 2003 02:57 (twenty-two years ago)

ass --> curb

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Monday, 24 November 2003 03:02 (twenty-two years ago)

If this is the only irritating thing about your flatmate, tell her you don't mind her eating your food but since you have to budget, why not go halvsies on the stuff you both eat? If she declines she's a schmuck. Also earmark one shelf as 'if you eat this I will kill you'.

― suzy (suzy), Monday, 24 November 2003 03:13 (twenty-two years ago)

I wish I could say this was the only irritating thing! I'm sure I irritate her, too, though. So I'll just try to stick it out and buy lots of meat products.

― kirsten (kirsten), Monday, 24 November 2003 03:35 (twenty-two years ago)

Doesn't she have any food you can steal on her? Every time she eats something of yours, take an equivalent amount of her food.

― Poppy (poppy), Monday, 24 November 2003 03:45 (twenty-two years ago)

Ew, all she has is cream of mushroom soup and spaghettios.

― kirsten (kirsten), Monday, 24 November 2003 03:46 (twenty-two years ago)

You don't have to eat it, just take it and pretend you ate it.

― Poppy (poppy), Monday, 24 November 2003 03:55 (twenty-two years ago)

"Bitch, where the motherfucking cheese at?"

― miloauckerman (miloauckerman), Monday, 24 November 2003 04:21 (twenty-two years ago)

I suggest buying a pig's head and pinning the above thread title, scribbled in blood on a sheet of notepaper, with a bloody great kitchen knife.

Of course, you could always corral your food in one area of the fridge/pantry and boobytrap it. I'm thinking something along the lines of a mousetrap. Something that you can easily disarm.

― Michael Stuchbery (Mikey Bidness), Monday, 24 November 2003 05:06 (twenty-two years ago)

Haha all I can do is think of the Ween Pizza Hut song now, sorry.

― Allyzay, Monday, 24 November 2003 14:51 (twenty-two years ago)

I lived through this in college. You've already sat her down and asked her nicely to stop eating your food, correct? Well then, no joke, I'd go for the locks-on-the-cupboards immediately. Fuck her. Some people are just impossible.

― Jeanne Fury (Jeanne Fury), Monday, 24 November 2003 14:58 (twenty-two years ago)

"kerb"

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Monday, 24 November 2003 15:02 (twenty-two years ago)

slap her around with some boloney.

― Chris B. Sure (Chris V), Monday, 24 November 2003 15:05 (twenty-two years ago)

leave her cheese out in the wind.

― g-kit (g-kit), Monday, 24 November 2003 15:24 (twenty-two years ago)

I went for the psychotic mental wummin trick, it worked. I lived (through necessity, not choice) with 2 blokes who thought it was acceptable to eat almost all my food when I was existing on a budget of £15 a fortnight. I tried asking nicely, I tried notices, I tried hiding it all - they found it, they thought it was funny. Eventually I waited till they were sitting down to a feast of about 15 slices of toast, made with my bread and butter and a tin of my beans - I rampaged in (literally, nearly took the door off the hinges), asked them if they were enjoying my food - then I tipped it up all over the place. They didn't do it again. Risky, but worth it to see the look on their faces.

― smee (smee), Monday, 24 November 2003 15:44 (twenty-two years ago)

blimey smee, i guess that showed em huh?!! Maybe borrow smee to do the job!

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Monday, 24 November 2003 15:57 (twenty-two years ago)

And "tipped it up" is British slang for "puked", then?

― Casuistry (Chris P), Monday, 24 November 2003 16:02 (twenty-two years ago)

Kirsten, if you can get laxative powder, put it in "your" milk so when she puts it in "her" tea she'll make poop soup.

― suzy (suzy), Monday, 24 November 2003 16:39 (twenty-two years ago)

Nope, just means I tipped the plates over, on to the carpet, so they couldn't eat anymore unless they were parital to carpet fluff and dirt....

xpost

― smee (smee), Monday, 24 November 2003 16:40 (twenty-two years ago)

Kirsten doesn't appear to have caught roommate in the act. If I was cross enough and saw an irritating flatmate eating my stuff I'd just silently take it away from them, first plate, and then fork or spoon from hand. Or just put your cards on the table and warn her that if she keeps this up, she'll have to move out. If you say this - whether you are entitled to or not - you have the balance of power on your side.

― suzy (suzy), Monday, 24 November 2003 16:50 (twenty-two years ago)

just lick every food item you buy. or anything you suspect her of using.

― dyson (dyson), Monday, 24 November 2003 16:53 (twenty-two years ago)

this includes items such as tampons & ass creme - show her you mean business¡

― dyson (dyson), Monday, 24 November 2003 16:57 (twenty-two years ago)

exactly. put asscream on the tampons, cheese, etc.

― Jeremy the Kingfish (Kingfish), Monday, 24 November 2003 17:29 (twenty-two years ago)

this is a ween song in the making

― dyson (dyson), Monday, 24 November 2003 17:30 (twenty-two years ago)

Thank you all for the wonderful suggestions. I don't have any "asscream," but I could probably whip up a few Nair tacos or something.

― kirsten (kirsten), Monday, 24 November 2003 17:38 (twenty-two years ago)

We all scream for ass cream!

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Monday, 24 November 2003 17:49 (twenty-two years ago)

And when you do lick the food, make sure your roommate sees you doing it.

― tokyo rosemary (rosemary), Monday, 24 November 2003 20:19 (twenty-two years ago)

Carve a life-sized horse's head out of cheese, and leave it on her pillow. Create "blood" with milk and food coloring.

― Layna Andersen (Layna Andersen), Tuesday, 25 November 2003 04:27 (twenty-two years ago)

I was always so nice to my abusive, taking-advantage roommates, wtf people.

― Allyzay, Tuesday, 25 November 2003 04:29 (twenty-two years ago)

Steal the tampons while she's WEARING them!

No... don't hit submit, Trayce... ahhh fuck it.

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 25 November 2003 04:55 (twenty-two years ago)

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